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Ethical non-monogamy: what to know about these often misunderstood relationships

<p>Imagine Sarah and John have been in a <a href="https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/rewriting-the-rules?_pos=1&amp;_sid=0287cd7c7&amp;_ss=r">monogamous relationship</a> for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.</p> <p>No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.</p> <p>There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468">non-monogamous relationships</a>, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their <a href="https://today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data">ideal relationship</a> is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/throuples-restaurants-valentines-day-b2010151.html">Lelo</a>, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.</p> <p>What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on <a href="https://bettymartin.org/videos/">agreed, ongoing consent</a> and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8321986/">polyamory</a>, open relationships and <a href="https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1348/014466606X143153">swinging</a>.</p> <p>These relationships are often <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub/10.1177/01461672221139086">stigmatised</a> and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.</p> <p>Yet <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550619897157">research has shown</a> that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1088868312467087?casa_token=We5Fp9hOPjQAAAAA:LI0m000j1SwvqGMbCVWekUcZ5z9DfqzuMmUtdIi59-OJiEZJ0_EjxlYq3pU6xcUZr5jIG9vlvXxztA">reported</a> higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19419899.2011.631571">relational intimacy</a> than people in monogamous relationships.</p> <h2>Misconceptions and stigma</h2> <p>One <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13178-021-00667-7">stigmatising view</a> is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282130422_A_Comparison_of_Sexual_Health_History_and_Practices_among_Monogamous_and_Consensually_Nonmonogamous_Sexual_Partners">sexually transmitted infections</a> (STIs).</p> <p>However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S174360951534008X?via%3Dihub">safer sex practices</a> than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to <a href="https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/12/10/2022/6966715">cheating</a> where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.</p> <p>In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13178-021-00667-7">diverse needs</a>. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.</p> <p>Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1041794X.2018.1531916">research</a> has found that it can be more <a href="https://nsuworks.nova.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3297&amp;context=tqr">manageable</a> than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.</p> <h2>Exploring non-monogamy</h2> <p>Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33990929/">stereotypical</a> view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.</p> <p>If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.</p> <p><strong>1. Communicate openly</strong></p> <p>Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-018-1286-4">jealousy</a>.</p> <p><strong>2. Practice safe sex</strong></p> <p>Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.</p> <p><strong>3. Stop shame</strong></p> <p>Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.</p> <p>While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.</p> <p><em>Image credit: Shutterstock</em></p> <p><em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/ethical-non-monogamy-what-to-know-about-these-often-misunderstood-relationships-200785" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.</em></p>

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Can milkshakes and sharks teach kids consent?

<p dir="ltr">Criticism over the government’s ‘bizarre’ new campaign designed to educate school kids on consent have come from sex educators and advertising bodies alike. In the campaign, actors discuss respectful relationships with the help of a milkshake, taco and a shark.</p> <p dir="ltr">The videos, made by The Good Society, Morrison government’s Respect Matters organisation, discuss topics involving consent and relationships across the different school groups. In the videos aimed at senior high-school students (Years 11-12), actors act out the process of gaining consent through a discussion of ‘trying milkshakes’ and other activities.</p> <p dir="ltr">The ‘Moving the Line’ campaign also features a man trying to convince a woman to swim in shark-infested waters, reassuring her that they’ll be fine with his spear gun. Another depicts a man eating tacos to discuss sexual assault, saying that people have desires and objects such as tacos do not.</p> <p dir="ltr">According to<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://thegoodsociety.gov.au/about/what-is-the-good-society" target="_blank">The Good Society website</a>, all content has been developed to align with the Australian curriculum, but rape prevention advocates have criticised the resources, saying that they fail to meet national education standards.</p> <p dir="ltr">Fair Agenda and End Rape on Campus on Australia (EROCA) called for a complete review of the content featured on the website. In a statement, the two groups said the videos are often “confusing” for teens trying to navigate the behaviours the videos try to address.</p> <p dir="ltr">Caitlin Roper of Collective Shout, a national body campaigning against the objectification in media and advertising, agreed and<span> </span><a rel="noopener" href="https://honey.nine.com.au/latest/governments-sex-and-consent-education-video-slammed/1b924691-c64e-4b1d-b1a8-a313eabd8357" target="_blank">told 9Honey</a><span> </span>the videos are “confusing and awkward”.</p> <p dir="ltr">“They underestimate young people’s ability to comprehend sexual assault completely,” Roper said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“It’s important to have a national dialogue, but the content widely missed the mark.”</p> <p dir="ltr">The Good Society launched last week with 350 online materials about safe and respectful relationships for schools and families. As part of the government’s Respect Matters program, the program aims to support respectful relationships education in Australian schools and change attitudes of young people around domestic, sexual, and family violence.</p> <p dir="ltr">The push for better consent education came after Sydney activist Chanel Contos’ petition to teach consent earlier, which received 4,000 testimonies detailing school-aged sexual assault.</p> <p dir="ltr">These include allegations of violent rapes, coerced drinking, and sexual harassment, mostly perpetrated by young male students.</p> <p dir="ltr">Roper says the new videos, including the one depicting a woman rubbing a milkshake in a man’s face, avoid ‘real, honest, and meaningful conversations’ and neglect to acknowledge the ‘highly gendered’ nature of sexual assault.</p> <p dir="ltr">Depicting a woman as the perpetrator, “didn’t acknowledge the fact it is overwhelmingly women and girls enduring sexual assault and rape by men and boys,” Roper said.</p> <p dir="ltr">“Kids are open to having these tough conversations, but the concept of consent alone is quite limited.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“Better education around sex and consent is largely meaningless without looking at the wider culture and male sexual entitlement,” she said.</p> <p dir="ltr">A recent report by UN Women found that 97 percent of women experienced some form of sexual assault or harassment before they turn 24, and 97 percent of men who experienced sexual assault were assaulted by men.</p> <p dir="ltr">The videos also drew criticism for downplaying the experience of the victim and for offering more support to the perpetrator.</p> <p dir="ltr">In a narration over an infographic likening sharing milkshakes to consent, the narrator said, ‘In a respectful relationship, if someone moves the line, you might be upset but ultimately want to repair the situation.’</p> <p dir="ltr">In the video, the woman, named Veronica, smears a milkshake in the face of her visibly unhappy male counterpart, Bailey.</p> <p dir="ltr">‘It’s just a funny game, Bailey. I know you really like my milkshake,’ Veronica tells him.</p> <p><img class="post_image_group" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/NbkEtQQ1DhxyN-_fHZdBJtzjHFE6jV1y3mcHCgnH6ieGUiwgwIbEbzrjkbEGBPEXnD8VyY0q_jo-ywiCptX8h6KEiUbx6ROzUet4N_IwlT-pPHPZdaHm8d2ZM1-2JM82N2CCtaU_" alt="" width="396" height="214" /><span></span></p> <p dir="ltr">‘Maintaining any relationship is hard work, but handling a disrespectful relationship can be upsetting, lonely, even dangerous. In fact, it can be one of the hardest things we do in our lives,” the narrator continues.</p> <p dir="ltr">Brandon Friedman, co-founder of sex education program Elephant Ed, told 9Honey, ‘Any engagement with young people around consent and respectful relationships needs that balance between humour and clear and concise messaging.’</p> <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CMwCOXfDlZh/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="13"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CMwCOXfDlZh/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Elephant Ed 🐘 (@elephant.ed)</a></p> </div> </blockquote> <p dir="ltr">‘Historically there has been taboo and shame that surrounds these issues and often people will side step around them without tackling them. But young people are crying out for educators to tackle them head on.’</p> <p dir="ltr">Social media was filled with criticism of the campaign, as many slammed how the videos approached teaching consent.</p> <p dir="ltr">EROCA wrote, ‘Yes the videos are weird. They trivialise what is a very serious issue. But they’re just one small part of what’s wrong with this resource. We need the government to start listening to actual experts in violence prevention.’</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr">I spent three days digging through the government's website. I watched every video. I read all of the accompanying materials. <br /><br />I cannot work out what the milkshakes, tacos or sharks are supposed to represent. And I run an org called "End Rape on Campus Australia". <a href="https://t.co/sshajJPAkk">https://t.co/sshajJPAkk</a></p> — Sharna Bremner (@sharnatweets) <a href="https://twitter.com/sharnatweets/status/1383943321345613825?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">April 19, 2021</a></blockquote> <p dir="ltr">When the program launched last week, Federal Education and Youth Minister Alan Tudge said the program would be a ‘vital role’ in informing young Australians on consent and sex education.</p> <p dir="ltr">‘These materials will provide additional support to better educate young Australians on these issues and have been designed to complement programs already being offered by states and territories,’ he said.</p> <p dir="ltr">‘I will be discussing these matters further with my state and territory counterparts when we meet later this month.’</p> <p dir="ltr">Consent education on the Australian curriculum will be publicly reviewed on April 29.</p>

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The offence of filming a private act without consent in Sydney

<p>A truck driver has faced <a href="https://www.sydneycriminallawyers.com.au/courts-we-attend/downing-centre-local-court/">Downing Centre Local Court</a> accused of using his mobile phone to film a naked woman while she was showering at the Sydney Morning Herald’s Sydney offices, and film a woman while she was showering.</p> <p>The 25-year old man, Braiden Head, from Western Sydney, allegedly entered the female changing rooms in the building between 10.10am and 10.30am.</p> <p>The woman claims she entered the shower at around 10am and, several minutes later, noticed the phone pointed at her. She says she attempted to chase the person but failed to catch up with him, before contacted police who arrested and charged the defendant the following day.</p> <p>Mr Head is not an employee of the Nine Entertainment Co. Holdings Limited – the owners of the Sydney Morning Herald. Nine’s management says they are unaware how the man entered the building, although <a href="https://www.news.com.au/national/nsw-act/courts-law/woman-allegedly-filmed-while-having-a-shower-at-work/news-story/2d7c9bd6f8fb7e9b206ded998c1b96a9">it has been reported</a> he is a driver for a uniform and wash room supply company.</p> <p>Mr Head has pleaded not guilty to filming a private act without consent and is scheduled to reappear in Downing Centre Local Court in April.</p> <p><strong>The offence of filming a person engaged in a private act</strong></p> <p><a href="https://www.sydneycriminallawyers.com.au/criminal/legislation/crimes-act/filming-person-engaged-in-private-act/">Filming a person engaged in a private act</a> Is an offence under <a href="http://www5.austlii.edu.au/au/legis/nsw/consol_act/ca190082/s91k.html">section 91K of the Crimes Act 1900</a> which carries a maximum penalty of 2 years in prison.</p> <p>To establish the offence, the prosecution must prove beyond reasonable doubt that:</p> <ul> <li>You filmed another person,</li> <li>The person was engaged in a private act,</li> <li>The filming was for your sexual arousal or sexual gratification,</li> <li>You did not have consent to undertake the filming, and</li> <li>You knew you did not have consent to undertake the filming.</li> <li>The maximum penalty increases to 5 years in prison where:</li> <li>The person filmed was under the age of 16, or</li> <li>You installed a device for the purpose of the filming.</li> <li>A ‘private act’ is defined as:</li> <li>A state of undress</li> <li>Using the toilet, showering or bathing</li> <li>A sexual act of a kind not ordinarily done in public, or</li> <li>Any other like activity.</li> </ul> <p><em>Written by Sonia Hickey and Ugur Nedim. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.sydneycriminallawyers.com.au/blog/the-offence-of-filming-a-private-act-without-consent-in-nsw/">Sydney Criminal Lawyers.</a></em></p>

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