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How can I stop overthinking everything? A clinical psychologist offers solutions

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/kirsty-ross-1513078">Kirsty Ross</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/massey-university-806">Massey University</a> As a clinical psychologist, I often have clients say they are having trouble with thoughts “on a loop” in their head, which they find difficult to manage. While rumination and overthinking are often considered the same thing, they are slightly different (though linked). <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle">Rumination</a> is having thoughts on repeat in our minds. This can lead to overthinking – analysing those thoughts without finding solutions or solving the problem. It’s like a vinyl record playing the same part of the song over and over. With a record, this is usually because of a scratch. Why we overthink is a little more complicated. <h2>We’re on the lookout for threats</h2> Our brains are hardwired to look for threats, to make a plan to address those threats and keep us safe. Those perceived threats may be based on past experiences, or may be the “what ifs” we imagine could happen in the future. Our “what ifs” are usually negative outcomes. These are what we call “<a href="https://ccbhc.org/hot-thoughts-what-are-they-and-how-can-you-handle-them/">hot thoughts</a>” – they bring up a lot of emotion (particularly sadness, worry or anger), which means we can easily get stuck on those thoughts and keep going over them. However, because they are about things that have either already happened or might happen in the future (but are not happening now), we cannot fix the problem, so we keep going over the same thoughts. <h2>Who overthinks?</h2> Most people find themselves in situations at one time or another when they overthink. Some people are <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle">more likely</a> to ruminate. People who have had prior challenges or experienced trauma may have come to expect threats and look for them more than people who have not had adversities. Deep thinkers, people who are prone to anxiety or low mood, and those who are sensitive or feel emotions deeply are also more likely to ruminate and overthink. Also, when we are stressed, our emotions tend to be stronger and last longer, and our thoughts can be less accurate, which means we can get stuck on thoughts more than we would usually. Being run down or physically unwell can also mean our thoughts are <a href="https://healthify.nz/hauora-wellbeing/m/mental-health-and-your-body/">harder to tackle</a> and manage. <h2>Acknowledge your feelings</h2> When thoughts go on repeat, it is helpful to use both emotion-focused and problem-focused <a href="https://link.springer.com/referencework/10.1007/978-1-4419-1005-9">strategies</a>. Being emotion-focused means figuring out how we feel about something and addressing those feelings. For example, we might feel regret, anger or sadness about something that has happened, or worry about something that might happen. Acknowledging those emotions, using self-care techniques and accessing social support to talk about and manage your feelings will be helpful. The second part is being problem-focused. Looking at what you would do differently (if the thoughts are about something from your past) and making a plan for dealing with future possibilities your thoughts are raising. But it is difficult to plan for all eventualities, so this strategy has limited usefulness. What is more helpful is to make a plan for one or two of the more likely possibilities and accept there may be things that happen you haven’t thought of. <h2>Think about why these thoughts are showing up</h2> Our feelings and experiences are information; it is important to ask what this information is telling you and why these thoughts are showing up now. For example, university has just started again. Parents of high school leavers might be lying awake at night (which is when rumination and overthinking is common) worrying about their young person. Knowing how you would respond to some more likely possibilities (such as they will need money, they might be lonely or homesick) might be helpful. But overthinking is also a sign of a new stage in both your lives, and needing to accept less control over your child’s choices and lives, while wanting the best for them. Recognising this means you can also talk about those feelings with others. <h2>Let the thoughts go</h2> A useful way to manage rumination or overthinking is “<a href="https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Options.pdf">change, accept, and let go</a>”. Challenge and change aspects of your thoughts where you can. For example, the chance that your young person will run out of money and have no food and starve (overthinking tends to lead to your brain coming up with catastrophic outcomes!) is not likely. You could plan to check in with your child regularly about how they are coping financially and encourage them to access budgeting support from university services. Your thoughts are just ideas. They are not necessarily true or accurate, but when we overthink and have them on repeat, they can start to feel true because they become familiar. Coming up with a more realistic thought can help stop the loop of the unhelpful thought. Accepting your emotions and finding ways to manage those (good self-care, social support, communication with those close to you) will also be helpful. As will accepting that life inevitably involves a lack of complete control over outcomes and possibilities life may throw at us. What we do have control over is our reactions and behaviours. Remember, you have a 100% success rate of getting through challenges up until this point. You might have wanted to do things differently (and can plan to do that) but nevertheless, you coped and got through. So, the last part is letting go of the need to know exactly how things will turn out, and believing in your ability (and sometimes others’) to cope. <h2>What else can you do?</h2> A stressed out and tired brain will be <a href="https://mentalhealth.org.nz/resources/resource/stress-and-how-to-manage-it">more likely</a> to overthink, leading to more stress and creating a cycle that can affect your wellbeing. So it’s important to manage your stress levels by eating and sleeping well, moving your body, doing things you enjoy, seeing people you care about, and doing things that fuel your soul and spirit. Distraction – with pleasurable activities and people who bring you joy – can also get your thoughts off repeat. If you do find overthinking is affecting your life, and your levels of anxiety are rising or your mood is dropping (your sleep, appetite and enjoyment of life and people is being negatively affected), it might be time to talk to someone and get some strategies to manage. When things become too difficult to manage yourself (or with the help of those close to you), a therapist can provide tools that have been proven to be helpful. Some helpful tools to manage worry and your thoughts can also be found <a href="https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety">here</a>. When you find yourself overthinking, think about why you are having “hot thoughts”, acknowledge your feelings and do some future-focused problem solving. But also accept life can be unpredictable and focus on having faith in your ability to cope. <img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/223973/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/kirsty-ross-1513078">Kirsty Ross</a>, Associate Professor and Senior Clinical Psychologist, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/massey-university-806">Massey University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-can-i-stop-overthinking-everything-a-clinical-psychologist-offers-solutions-223973">original article</a>.

Mind

Mothers’ dieting habits and self-talk have profound impact on daughters − 2 psychologists explain how to cultivate healthy behaviors and body image

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/janet-j-boseovski-451496">Janet J. Boseovski</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-north-carolina-greensboro-2069">University of North Carolina – Greensboro</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/ashleigh-gallagher-1505989">Ashleigh Gallagher</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-north-carolina-greensboro-2069">University of North Carolina – Greensboro</a> Weight loss is one of the most common health and appearance-related goals. Women and <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db340.htm">teen girls</a> are <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db313.htm">especially likely to pursue dieting</a> to achieve weight loss goals even though a great deal of research shows that <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-thin-people-dont-understand-about-dieting-86604">dieting doesn’t work over the long term</a>. We are a <a href="https://www.duck-lab.com/people">developmental psychologist</a> and a <a href="https://psy.uncg.edu/directory/ashleigh-gallagher/">social psychologist</a> who together wrote a forthcoming book, “Beyond Body Positive: A Mother’s Evidence-Based Guide for Helping Girls Build a Healthy Body Image.” In the book, we address topics such as the effects of maternal dieting behaviors on daughters’ health and well-being. We provide information on how to build a foundation for healthy body image beginning in girlhood. <h2>Culturally defined body ideals</h2> Given the strong influence of social media and other cultural influences on body ideals, it’s understandable that so many people pursue diets aimed at weight loss. <a href="https://communityhealth.mayoclinic.org/featured-stories/tiktok-diets">TikTok</a>, YouTube, Instagram and celebrity websites feature slim influencers and “how-tos” for achieving those same results in no time. For example, women and teens are engaging in rigid and extreme forms of exercise such as 54D, a program to <a href="https://54d.com/">achieve body transformation in 54 days</a>, or the <a href="https://health.clevelandclinic.org/75-hard-challenge-and-rules">75 Hard Challenge</a>, which is to follow five strict rules for 75 days. For teens, these pursuits are likely fueled by trendy body preoccupations such as the desire for “<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/06/well/move/tiktok-legging-legs-eating-disorders.html">legging legs</a>.” Women and teens have also been been inundated with recent messaging around <a href="https://theconversation.com/drugs-that-melt-away-pounds-still-present-more-questions-than-answers-but-ozempic-wegovy-and-mounjaro-could-be-key-tools-in-reducing-the-obesity-epidemic-205549">quick-fix weight loss drugs</a>, which come with a lot of caveats. Dieting and weight loss goals are highly individual, and when people are intensely self-focused, it is <a href="https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2000.19.1.70">possible to lose sight of the bigger picture</a>. Although women might wonder what the harm is in trying the latest diet, science shows that dieting behavior doesn’t just affect the dieter. In particular, for women who are mothers or who have other girls in their lives, these behaviors affect girls’ emerging body image and their health and well-being. <h2>The profound effect of maternal role models</h2> Research shows that mothers and maternal figures <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2017.11.001">have a profound influence on their daughters’ body image</a>. The opportunity to influence girls’ body image comes far earlier than adolescence. In fact, research shows that these influences on body image <a href="https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-toxic-diet-culture-is-passed-from-moms-to-daughters">begin very early in life</a> – <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/bs.acdb.2016.10.006">during the preschool years</a>. Mothers may feel that they are being discreet about their dieting behavior, but little girls are watching and listening, and they are far more observant of us than many might think. For example, one study revealed that compared with daughters of nondieting women, 5-year-old girls whose mothers dieted <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/S0002-8223(00)00339-4">were aware of the connection between dieting and thinness</a>. Mothers’ eating behavior does not just affect girls’ ideas about dieting, but also their daughters’ eating behavior. The amount of food that mothers eat <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appet.2018.04.018">predicts how much their daughters will eat</a>. In addition, daughters whose mothers are dieters are <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appet.2018.04.018">more likely to become dieters themselves</a> and are also <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eatbeh.2007.03.001">more likely to have a negative body image</a>. Negative body image is <a href="https://theconversation.com/mounting-research-documents-the-harmful-effects-of-social-media-use-on-mental-health-including-body-image-and-development-of-eating-disorders-206170">not a trivial matter</a>. It affects girls’ and women’s mental and physical well-being in a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105317710815">host of ways</a> and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2011.06.009">can predict the emergence of eating disorders</a>. <h2>Avoiding ‘fat talk’</h2> What can moms do, then, to serve their daughters’ and their own health? They can focus on small steps. And although it is best to begin these efforts early in life – in girlhood – it is never too late to do so. For example, mothers can consider how they think about and talk about themselves around their daughters. Engaging in “fat talk” may inadvertently send their daughters the message that larger bodies are bad, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2020.07.004">contributing to weight bias</a> and negative self-image. Mothers’ fat talk also <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2021.1908294">predicts later body dissatisfaction in daughters</a>. And negative self-talk isn’t good for mothers, either; it is associated with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105318781943">lower motivation and unhealthful eating</a>. Mothers can instead practice and model self-compassion, which involves treating oneself the way <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2016.03.003">a loving friend might treat you</a>. In discussions about food and eating behavior, it is important to avoid moralizing certain kinds of food by labeling them as “good” or “bad,” as girls may extend these labels to their personal worth. For example, a young girl may feel that she is being “bad” if she eats dessert, if that is what she has learned from observing the women around her. In contrast, she may feel that she has to eat a salad to be “good.” Moms and other female role models can make sure that the dinner plate sends a healthy message to their daughters by showing instead that all foods can fit into a balanced diet when the time is right. Intuitive eating, which emphasizes paying attention to hunger and satiety and allows flexibility in eating behavior, is associated with <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/s40519-020-00852-4">better physical and mental health in adolescence</a>. Another way that women and especially moms can buffer girls’ body image is by helping their daughters <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2021.12.009">to develop media literacy</a> and to think critically about the nature and purpose of media. For example, moms can discuss the misrepresentation and distortion of bodies, such as the use of filters to enhance physical appearance, on social media. <h2>Focusing on healthful behaviors</h2> One way to begin to focus on health behaviors rather than dieting behaviors is to develop respect for the body and to <a href="https://theconversation.com/body-neutrality-what-it-is-and-how-it-can-help-lead-to-more-positive-body-image-191799">consider body neutrality</a>. In other words, prize body function rather than appearance and spend less time thinking about your body’s appearance. Accept that there are times when you may not feel great about your body, and that this is OK. To feel and look their best, mothers can aim to stick to a <a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-the-best-diet-for-healthy-sleep-a-nutritional-epidemiologist-explains-what-food-choices-will-help-you-get-more-restful-zs-219955">healthy sleep schedule</a>, manage their stress levels, <a href="https://theconversation.com/fiber-is-your-bodys-natural-guide-to-weight-management-rather-than-cutting-carbs-out-of-your-diet-eat-them-in-their-original-fiber-packaging-instead-205159">eat a varied diet</a> that includes all of the foods that they enjoy, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-runners-high-may-result-from-molecules-called-cannabinoids-the-bodys-own-version-of-thc-and-cbd-170796">move and exercise their bodies regularly</a> as lifelong practices, rather than engaging in quick-fix trends. Although many of these tips sound familiar, and perhaps even simple, they become effective when we recognize their importance and begin acting on them. Mothers can work toward modeling these behaviors and tailor each of them to their daughter’s developmental level. It’s never too early to start. <h2>Promoting healthy body image</h2> Science shows that several personal characteristics are associated with body image concerns among women. For example, research shows that women who are <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2020.02.001">higher in neuroticism</a> <a href="https://doi.org/10.1186/2050-2974-1-2">and perfectionism</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.983534">lower in self-compassion</a> or <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2013.08.001">lower in self-efficacy</a> are all more likely to struggle with negative body image. Personality is frequently defined as a person’s characteristic pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But if they wish, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/per.1945">mothers can change personality characteristics</a> that they feel aren’t serving them well. For example, perfectionist tendencies – such as setting unrealistic, inflexible goals – can be examined, challenged and replaced with more rational thoughts and behaviors. A woman who believes she must work out every day can practice being more flexible in her thinking. One who thinks of dessert as “cheating” can practice resisting moral judgments about food. Changing habitual ways of thinking, feeling and behaving certainly takes effort and time, but it is far more likely than diet trends to bring about sustainable, long-term change. And taking the first steps to modify even a few of these habits can positively affect daughters. In spite of all the noise from media and other cultural influences, mothers can feel empowered knowing that they have a significant influence on their daughters’ feelings about, and treatment of, their bodies. In this way, mothers’ modeling of healthier attitudes and behaviors is a sound investment – for both their own body image and that of the girls they love.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/221968/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/janet-j-boseovski-451496">Janet J. Boseovski</a>, Professor of Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-north-carolina-greensboro-2069">University of North Carolina – Greensboro</a> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/ashleigh-gallagher-1505989">Ashleigh Gallagher</a>, Senior Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/university-of-north-carolina-greensboro-2069">University of North Carolina – Greensboro</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/mothers-dieting-habits-and-self-talk-have-profound-impact-on-daughters-2-psychologists-explain-how-to-cultivate-healthy-behaviors-and-body-image-221968">original article</a>.

Mind

The 4 biggest gift-giving mistakes, according to a consumer psychologist

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/julian-givi-1395671">Julian Givi</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/west-virginia-university-1375">West Virginia University</a> A good gift can elicit a surge of happiness and gratitude in the recipient. It also feels great to give, <a href="https://theconversation.com/whats-the-point-of-holiday-gifts-173306">with psychologists finding</a> that the joy of giving a gift is more pronounced than the pleasure of receiving one. Unfortunately, there are times when you receive a gift and you have to force a smile and fake your gratitude. I’m a consumer psychologist <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=wjAq_TcAAAAJ&hl=en">who specializes in gift-giving research</a> – in particular, gift-giving mistakes. Here are four of the most common ones. <h2>1. Prioritizing the big reveal</h2> One way givers can err is by focusing too much on <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721416656937">the moment the recipient will open the gift</a>. Givers want their gift to be <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/675737">desirable</a>. They hope <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2011.03.015">to surprise</a> the recipient and <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.2733341">put a smile</a> on their face. A chocolate fondue fountain might meet these criteria – it’s quirky and sure to elicit curiosity and smiles from onlookers. However, when people receive a gift, they care less about the moment the bow comes off, and instead think about the weeks and months ahead. People want gifts that are <a href="https://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/1023703/volumes/v45/NA-45">useful</a> and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/675737">reliable</a> and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2011.03.015">meet their needs</a>. How often would a chocolate fondue fountain realistically be used? Compare that to a new coffee maker, which could see action every day. Sure, it isn’t a novelty – and probably won’t elicit “oohs” and “ahhs” on Christmas Day – but the recipient will be quite happy to have it on hand when their alarm rings each morning. <h2>2. Unique and new are overrated</h2> Another factor that can lead givers to go wrong involves unwritten rules for what constitutes good gift-giving practices. Givers often focus on these rules more than they should. For example, they may <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2020.05.023">avoid giving the same gift</a> to someone in back-to-back years because this goes against the norm of giving a unique gift each year. Givers also often <a href="https://doi.org/10.1348/014466604x23428">refrain from giving used products</a> as gifts because this violates the unspoken rule that a gift should be brand new. In contrast, recipients are quite open to gifts that violate these norms. If someone loves a certain type of wine, they’re <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2020.05.023">more than happy to receive it</a> in subsequent years. And if one digital camera is lightly used but possesses several innovative features, while another is new but has fewer features, people <a href="https://doi.org/10.1348/014466604x23428">are happy to receive the used one</a>. <h2>3. Being risk-averse</h2> Givers can make missteps when they avoid gifts that they see as too risky. Consider sentimental gifts, like a scrapbook or a nostalgic memento. Studies have shown that recipients <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2017.06.002">love these gifts</a>; they <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000036">elicit happiness for extended periods of time</a>. Givers, however, tend to <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2017.06.002">shy away from sentimental gifts</a> because they see them risky – sure, they could be a home run, but they could also whiff. Doubts can creep into shoppers’ heads as they consider sentimental gifts: What if it comes across as sappy? What if the recipient thinks I’m being cheap? And so people tend to opt for <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S105774081730044X">safer, superficial gifts</a> that they assume will be at least somewhat well-liked. Or, to continue with the baseball analogy, givers are happy to take the sure single. As another example, consider material goods versus experiences. When giving gifts, people often opt for <a href="https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucy010">tangible objects over experiences</a> because material goods are on the safer side – almost everyone could use a new appliance or a new shirt. Experiences are trickier; they require a bit more of an understanding of who the recipient truly is – not everyone loves going to see the symphony. Yet recipients tend to be <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/jcpy.1281">more open to experiences than givers anticipate</a> – and these gifts <a href="https://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/1017575/volumes/v42/NA-42">are actually more likely to make people happier</a> than material goods. <h2>4. Does the thought really count?</h2> Givers can also err by wanting their gift to appear especially thoughtful. Of course, recipients appreciate thoughtfulness – but not when it comes at the expense of receiving something that’s actually useful. This plays out when givers are shopping for multiple people. They’ll often <a href="https://doi.org/10.1086/674199">choose unique gifts for each recipient</a>, rather than give the same gift to everyone, because a distinct gift for each person will make them feel as though they put more time and effort into gift selection. People do this even if they realize that some recipients will be receiving less desirable gifts. You’ll also see this happen with <a href="https://www.acrwebsite.org/volumes/1020146/volumes/v43/NA-43">gift cards</a>. Givers often choose specific gift cards – to a particular clothing store or restaurant, for example – that reflect the interests or tastes of the recipient. But recipients are more open to gift cards that give them more flexibility and freedom – think an Amazon or Visa gift card. That way, they can decide whether to splurge on a new sweater, dine out at their favorite restaurant – or do both.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/195169/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /> <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/julian-givi-1395671">Julian Givi</a>, Assistant Professor of Marketing, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/west-virginia-university-1375">West Virginia University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/the-4-biggest-gift-giving-mistakes-according-to-a-consumer-psychologist-195169">original article</a>.

Money & Banking

13 things psychologists wish you knew about happiness

<h2>Listen to melancholy music</h2> You heard that right! You officially have another excuse to listen to Adele on repeat (as if you even needed one anyway). Studies suggest that blasting some depressing and sappy tunes can actually help boost positive and peaceful feelings, which can be therapeutic, cathartic, and calming. <h2>Actually speak to the person next to you on the train or bus</h2> People are happier during their commutes when they chat up their seat neighbour, even if they think it will make the trip less positive and productive, according to a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Try to get over your fear of speaking to strangers or worrying that you’re bothering them – you could bring some joy to both of you! “The biggest source of misery in the workplace is actually getting there and back,” says Dr Art Markman, PhD, author of Brain Briefs. “People are generally unhappy when forces outside their control are affecting their lives.” Obviously, you can’t control other drivers or the schedule of public transportation, so it helps to find aspects of your commute that you can control. “Get in conversations with random strangers on the train or bus,” says Dr Markman. “The more you take control of the situation, the happier you’ll be.” <h2>Know that money sometimes can buy happiness</h2> “They say money can’t buy happiness,” says Dr Nancy Etcoff, PhD, an assistant clinical professor at Harvard Medical School. “But it can if what you buy is extra time, or pay to delegate tasks.” So don’t feel guilty ordering in Chinese food or hiring a house cleaner. A study found that people who spend money to save time tend to be happier than those who don’t. Yes, it might be overkill to order takeout for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, or to have someone clean your home more than once a week. But consider sending out your dry cleaning this week to save you the time of ironing yet another shirt. <h2>Call your mum </h2> When was the last time you picked up your smartphone to actually make a call? Research has found that hearing your mum’s voice can help reduce stress, which means a happier you. Talking on the phone was found to reduce a key stress hormone and release the feel-good brain chemical oxytocin that is thought to play a key role in forming bonds. It goes without saying that you’ll also make Mum’s day. <h2>Hang out with happy people</h2> Yawns aren’t the only things that are contagious. Research has found that the more you surround yourself with positive people, the happier you’ll feel. Go ahead and enjoy a round of drinks with your girl squad, grab coffee with that woman at school pickup who’s always smiling, or schedule a visit with your cheery hairdresser. <h2>Daydream about your upcoming holiday</h2> Do you yearn to be lying on the beach, exploring the mountains, trekking in the jungle, or touring a museum – right this minute? Believe it or not, getting out of town won’t necessarily make you happier, a study found. But thinking about going out of town is another story. The fact is that we get an extra boost of joy if we delay pleasure. We build positive expectations, imagining how amazing the experience will be. That warm sun or the frozen strawberry daiquiri by the pool? It’s just an added bonus. <h2>Speak to the person behind you in the supermarket</h2> Research has found that making friends – not just online – boosts our spirits. “Face-to-face, human interactions are the elixir for nearly everything that ails us,” says Dr Kit Yarrow, PhD, a consumer psychologist, professor, author, consultant, and speaker. “Though every interaction may not create happiness, in the long run, [it’s] the sense of community that’s created will.” Say hello to the mum next to you on the sideline at the soccer game. Chat up your new co-worker in the lunchroom. You never know who you’ll meet and what kind of connections you’ll make. <h2>Dust off your yearbook</h2> It’s time to reminisce about fond memories from the past, so dig up your wedding album or high school yearbook, and then call or email your high school or childhood besties. Research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin has found that feeling nostalgic about the past will increase optimism about the future and make you happier. <h2>Hang out with man’s best friend</h2> Power to the pets! Studies show that playing fetch with your dog or cuddling up with your cat does the body good. Interacting with pets has been found to release oxytocin, and you’ll be left with a joyous feeling. <h2>Be a little selfish</h2> “Being selfish is sometimes the best thing for yourself and others,” says Antonia Hall, MA, a psychologist, relationship expert, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Self-care may cause disappointment to others, like when you decline an invitation or cancel plans, Hall says. “But your wellbeing is more important.” If you’re unhappy, it won’t be a positive experience for either of you anyway, she says. Image credit: Shutterstock This article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/conditions/mental-health/13-things-psychologists-wish-you-knew-about-happiness" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.

Mind

Why do people tailgate? A psychologist explains what’s behind this common (and annoying) driving habit

It’s hot, you’ve had a battle to get the kids in the car, and now you’re going to be late for the family lunch. You turn onto the freeway only to get stuck behind a slow driver in the fast lane. You want them to move over or speed up, so you drive a little closer. Then closer. Then so close it would be difficult to avoid hitting them if they stopped suddenly. When that doesn’t work you honk the horn. Nothing. Finally, frustrated, you dart into the left lane and speed past them. Today was one of those days where many small annoyances have led to you being aggressive on the road. This isn’t how you usually drive. So why was today different? <h2>Aren’t holidays supposed to be relaxing?</h2> Holiday driving may look a lot different to your usual commute. It may involve driving longer distances, or involve more frequent driving with more passengers than usual in the car. Holiday driving comes with <a href="https://www.bitre.gov.au/publications/ongoing/road_deaths_australia_monthly_bulletins">increased risk</a> (road deaths tend to spike during the holidays). That’s why news bulletins often carry the latest “road toll” figures around public holidays. But whether you drive differently to normal comes down to the value you place on your <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/S0001-4575(03)00037-X">time</a>, rather than when you drive. If you are in a rush, your time becomes more precious because you have less of it. If something, or someone, infringes on that time, you may become frustrated and aggressive. This is basic human psychology. You can get angry when someone gets in the way of what you are trying to achieve. You get angrier when you think they are acting <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.106.1.59">unfairly or inappropriately</a>. Usually before you respond, you evaluate what has happened, asking who is at fault and if they could have done things differently. But when you are driving, you have less time and resources to make detailed evaluations. Instead, you make quick judgements of the situation and how best to deal with it. These judgements can be based on how you are <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.81.1.146">feeling</a> at the time. If you are frustrated before getting in the car, you are likely to be easily frustrated while driving, blame other drivers more for your circumstances, and express this through aggressive driving. Tailgating and speeding <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7967(01)00063-8">are examples</a> of this aggression. A driver frustrated by the perception that someone is driving too slowly, or in the wrong lane, might speed past the offending driver, and maintain this speed for some time <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2010.551184">after the event</a>. Aggressive tailgating may be seen as reprimanding the driver for their perceived slow speeds, or to encourage them to move out of the way. The problem is, when you are angry, you underestimate the risk of these behaviours, while <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.81.1.146">over-estimating</a> how much control you have of the situation. It’s not worth the risk. A <a href="https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1513271113">study of real-world driving</a> shows both tailgating and speeding increase the odds of being in a crash more than if driving while holding or dialling a mobile phone. Drivers who are tailgating or speeding have a 13 to 14-fold increase in odds of being in a crash, compared to when they are driving more safely. <h2>Here’s what you can do</h2> One way to stay safe on the roads these holidays is to recognise the situations that may lead to your own dangerous behaviours. The Monash University Accident Research Centre has <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsr.2022.07.011">developed a program</a> to help drivers reduce their aggressive driving. This helps drivers develop their own strategies to stay calm while driving, recognising that one strategy is unlikely to suit every driver. Almost 100 self-identified aggressive drivers <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022437522000998?via%3Dihub">developed</a> four types of tips to remain calm while driving: <ol> <li> before driving: tips include better journey planning, allowing enough time for the trip and recognising how you are feeling before you get in the car </li> <li> while driving: this includes travelling in the left lane to avoid slow drivers in the right lane, or pulling over when feeling angry </li> <li> in your vehicle: such as deep breathing or listening to music </li> <li> ‘rethinking’ the situation: acknowledge that in some situations, the only thing you can change is how you think about it. For example, ask yourself is it worth the risk? Or personalise the other driver. What if that was your loved one in the car in front? </li> </ol> Four months after completing the program, drivers reported less anger and aggression while driving than before the program. The strategies that worked best for these drivers were listening to music, focusing on staying calm and rethinking the problem. A favourite rethink was a 5x5x5 strategy. This involved asking yourself whether the cause of your anger will matter in five minutes, five hours or five days. If it is unlikely to matter after this time, it is best to let go. The holidays are meant to be relaxing and joyous. Let’s not jeopardise that through reactions to other drivers. Image credits: Getty Images This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-do-people-tailgate-a-psychologist-explains-whats-behind-this-common-and-annoying-driving-habit-193462" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>.

Travel Tips

Agoraphobia symptoms: Psychologists list the 5 main signs

Agoraphobia symptoms can include way more than the ‘homebody’ stereotype. Here's how to know if your avoidance means something more... Anxiety disorders Anxiety is nature’s way of preparing us to handle difficult situations. That’s why occasional anxiety is no problem – it’s healthy, even. But when run-of-the-mill nerves become irrational, chronic, or overwhelming, an anxiety disorder may be at play. Anxiety disorders are the most common type of mental health condition, according to research published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience. An estimated 33.7 per cent of the population experiences an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime. Still, anxiety disorders can manifest in different ways, explains clinical therapist, Dr Joshua Estrin, who specialises in anxiety treatment. Some people experience generalised anxiety, or a persistent worry about everyday issues and situations. Others may develop what he calls more focused anxiety symptoms, like agoraphobia. What is agoraphobia? Most adults struggling with agoraphobia follow one of two common patterns, explains psychologist, Dr Peggy Loo. “One is often an extreme worry that they cannot leave the situation they’re in by their own free will, getting stuck,” she says. Others experience a disproportionate fear that something negative will occur while in a situation they have no control over – like having a panic attack or getting sick – and they won’t be able to get help or escape. “Sometimes agoraphobia may develop after a real-world negative experience you are worried about happening again, but sometimes the perceived threat alone is enough to create debilitating anxiety.” An individual with agoraphobia will often avoid certain places and situations or even opt never to leave the house without company, Dr Loo says. This avoidance behaviour is one reason the condition gets confused with its cousin, social anxiety, which triggers an intense fear or anxiety related to social situations, particularly over being judged, embarrassed, or criticised by others. What are the symptoms of agoraphobia? Diagnostically, a person with agoraphobia has an intense fear response when they’re in (or sometimes just when they’re anticipating) at least two of the following situations: using public transportation, being in open spaces, being in enclosed spaces, standing in lines or crowds, being outside of the home alone. “Even the thought of being in a certain situation can cause someone to literally feel crippled, trapped, immobilised,” Estrin says. Physical symptoms tend to show up following this abrupt surge of intense fear or discomfort, says psychotherapist, Laurie Singer. “They reach a peak within minutes and, typically, present four or more physical symptoms which can include: [heart] palpitations, sweating, trembling or shaking, a shortness of breath, the feeling of being smothered or choked, chest pain, nausea, or feeling dizzy and faint.” How common is agoraphobia? According to a study released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), 4.6 per cent of Australian adults experience agoraphobia. But in reality, says Dr. Estrin, this rate could be much higher. The ABS suggests that only 35 per cent of people with an anxiety disorder seek treatment. And just like many mental health disorders, agoraphobia exists on a continuum – and there’s a huge range of severity. “One person might have more mild agoraphobia, experiencing anxiety when they are in very large, crowded places such as a concert or conference for work,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Tynessa. These people might get some symptoms of agoraphobia in these specific situations but are able to work around it in their daily lives by sticking to activities within their comfort zone. Until it causes a disruption in their life, these people may not address the underlying agoraphobia. “Another person might be toward the more severe end of the scale – they might be almost completely homebound,” Dr Franks says. “They will not leave home at all because of their anxiety about being in a situation where they cannot easily escape or get help.” She adds that some people describe their fears as constant, while others say theirs are triggered by specific events or demands. Can agoraphobia develop suddenly? Someone may be aware they’re experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia, Singer says. But like most forms of anxiety, it’s not always so black and white. “Those who are experiencing situational agoraphobia may opt not to engage in activities or events that create anxious feelings – [using] an out of sight, out of mind approach,” she says. Additionally, someone may not know why a panic attack occurs, yet do understand what situations can trigger it. While it can be tempting simply to avoid the trigger, it’s best to try and address this type of anxiety at its core, “as it can easily take on a life of its own,” Singer explains. If someone does notice they’ve started showing signs of agoraphobia, “we would want to watch and wait to see if the anxiety they’re experiencing persists, or if it turns out to be an isolated experience,” Dr Franks says. In some cases, the anxiety may have been present all along, but the person hadn’t noticed it affecting their life or hadn’t really put the pieces together to realise that their agoraphobia has been more longstanding, she says. If you do start to notice that you’re avoiding certain situations, places, or things you previously enjoyed, Singer suggests speaking with a professional at the earliest signs. Written by Leslie Finlay. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/healthsmart/conditions/mental-health/agoraphobia-symptoms-psychologists-list-the-5-main-signs" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader’s Digest</a>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&utm_medium=articles&utm_campaign=RDSUB&keycode=WRA87V" target="_blank" rel="noopener">here’s our best subscription offer.</a> Image: Getty Images

Mind

“Aren’t you my psych?” Woman “matches” with her psychologist on dating app

Bored at home, swiping left or right on potential dates, an Australian woman was shocked to find that her psychologist allegedly matched with her on a dating app. The woman from Byron Bay was on the dating app Hinge and claims to have “matched unintentionally” with the mental health professional. She took to Facebook for advice on what to do, supported with screenshots of the alleged message exchange. “I need a bit of help and don't know what to do,” the young woman started. “My psychologist, who I haven't seen in a few months but have been in contact with, messaged me on Hinge. “I matched with him unintentionally and didn’t realise it was him until he messaged me.” The man reached out first writing, “Hey,” along with a heart eye emoji. “I feel like we’ve matched before.” The woman did not hesitate to ask him, “Aren’t you my psych?” Upon realising the “gross” nature of the situation, the psychologist immediately apologised to the woman, but continued the conversation and asked her how she was. She admitted to feeling “scared and violated” and wanted advice on how to approach the alleged situation. “A part of me wants to do something about it because I worry about other patients of his who he might do this to. Any help and advice on whether I should do something or not would be appreciated,” she said. She also shared a screenshot of a previous text message from the psychologist informing her that it’s been “months” since her last appointment. The woman explained that the reason she “matched” with him is because he was using a different name on the app. The psychologist eventually found out that the woman had shared screenshots of their interaction and threatened to sue her for defamation. “Hello, I believe you have been spreading slander about me on social media. Please expect to be hearing from a lawyer in regard to defamation over the next week or so,’ the psychologist allegedly texted the woman. “How is it defamation when everything is true?” she responded. “What you’ve done is grossly inappropriate and violates ethical codes. You’re not allowed to approach me in public let alone instigate contact on a dating app. Even after I said “aren’t you my psych?”, you still tried to continue the conversation knowing full well my status as a patient of yours. I will be reporting to AHPRA.” “I genuinely did not know that you were a client before you told me. I’m sure you can appreciate that I see a lot of clients and it’s been months since you have had a session,” he concluded. The Health Care Complaints Commission (HCCC) is understood to be investigating the alleged matter, according to <a href="http://news.com.au" target="_blank" rel="noopener">news.com.au</a>. Image: Facebook

Relationships

Feeling stressed during lockdown? A psychologist explains why

With New Zealand facing lockdowns once again, one Melbourne-based psychologist has been sharing some tips and insights into why we feel the way we do while locked down. <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/chrischeerspsychology/?hl=en" target="_blank">Chris Cheers</a> first entered the spotlight during Victoria’s sixth lockdown, where he discussed the concept of the “stress cycle”, which can be used to explain why we’re feeling the way we are lately. First things first, what’s a stress cycle? <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/mental-health/a27098268/how-to-de-stress/" target="_blank">Women’s Health</a> describes it as the moment when our bodies have learnt that we are now safe after facing some kind of threat. Your body goes from feeling panic, to entering fight or flight mode, to realising you are safe, and then resetting. Chris explains that when we experience stressors - like lockdowns - “our bodies react with stress” and enter fight or flight mode. “But your body can’t fight a lockdown, and it can’t run away,” he writes. “So your body becomes stuck in the emotion, and the stress cycle can’t be completed.” <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CSL_YC4Hw_r/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="13"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CSL_YC4Hw_r/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Chris Cheers Psychology (@chrischeerspsychology)</a> </div> </blockquote> To complete the stress cycle, Chis suggests slow deep breathing, exercise, letting out emotions, getting creative, or physically connecting with a loved one. Since we can’t control when lockdowns will end, focusing on what we can control can help us feel better. “At these times it’s helpful to focus on what is in your control,” Chris says. “Which means achievable behaviours like daily routine, sleep, exercise, and connecting to others. “But it’s important when we talk about self care to also recognise that it’s not easy. It’s about setting boundaries and saying no. “Sometimes it’s about acting against your patterns of behaviours or habits. Just because you know something is good for you, doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.” As for the times when lockdown hits the hardest, Chris has some more tips and words of advice. <blockquote style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CTJIYvFFeBA/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="13"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"></div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" rel="noopener" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CTJIYvFFeBA/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank">A post shared by Chris Cheers Psychology (@chrischeerspsychology)</a> </div> </blockquote> “Basically, your brain is a teenager again,” he writes. “This extended period of stress and uncertainty has left the brain depleted, especially in terms of prefrontal and executive function. “This makes it harder to plan, focus, handle emotions and practice self-control. “So often on the hard days I remind myself that it’s not me, it’s “lockdown brain”.” He suggests labelling and validating feelings you may be feeling underneath “lockdown fatigue”, both by talking to others about them and reminding yourself that they are a normal response to this kind of situation. Chris also recommends choosing one thing to achieve on a day, acknowledge the success of completing it, and reward yourself. “Lockdowns are getting harder, not easier. But know that even small changes to your day can make a big difference to your mental health. “Today, my one thing I set to achieve was this post. So now I’m going to celebrate with whatever cake the local cafe has for me. “I hope you find your one thing too.” Image: Chris Cheers Psychology / Instagram

Mind

What is doomscrolling? What psychologists need you to know

Seeking out bad news I first discovered the r/Collapse Reddit community – an online board to “discuss the potential collapse of global civilisation” – after interviewing a prominent climate change scientist for an article. During the course of our interview, he confessed that all the projections they were putting out there were “overly rosy.” He and his fellow researchers felt compelled to water things down for the public, he said, out of fear we would all just give up – instead of take action – if they told us the truth. I was not a fan of this scientific whitewashing. After our discussion, I started looking for more information about the range of projections on climate change, not just the palatable ones researchers felt like they “should” say. This was how I ended up at r/Collapse and found my people, which is to say a group of slightly paranoid, give-it-to-me-straight realists who also aren’t getting much sleep. It actually made me feel better. It’s not a collective of extremist doomsday preppers (although there are some of those). Rather, it is made up mostly of people like me, those who “seek to deepen our understanding of collapse while providing mutual support, not to document every detail of our demise.” I loved it so much I didn’t want to admit it might be turning into a problem. What I was doing has a name: doomscrolling. What is doomscrolling? This is the tendency to continue to surf or scroll through bad news, even though that news may be perceived as saddening, disheartening, or depressing. In addition to Reddit, my Twitter feed is an ode to the bleak. (Somehow, perhaps as a coping technique, I’ve managed to mostly keep my Facebook and Instagram shiny, happy places.) I’m not alone in this habit. For me, it started years ago with that interview, but for many people, the craziness of 2020 is how they got caught up in doomscrolling. And it makes sense, says Ken Yeager, PhD, a researcher and associate professor of medicine who leads The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center’s Stress, Trauma, and Resilience Program. “This year has been a year of unprecedented changes,” he says. “The pandemic, electoral issues, the economy, protests and public expression of raw emotions, natural disasters have all contributed to the phenomena known as doomscrolling. “Doomscrolling is the modern-day equivalent to watching a train wreck,” he adds. “It’s really very difficult to look away.” It should also be noted that this isn’t just an accidental phenomenon or a personality quirk. It’s also a business decision. From politicians to tech companies to mobile phone carriers, all kinds of people profit from us being overly engaged with technology. The more often they can get us to click, the more money they make, says Jeff Gardere, PhD, a psychologist and associate professor. It’s in their best interest to do whatever it takes to keep us reading, even if it’s not in our best interest. “The phone is our connection with the outside world. We are inundated with bad or negative news and it happens every few minutes,” he says. “The sense of urgency, excitement, and danger can become very addictive.” Why do we doomscroll? Doomscrolling serves a real purpose in people’s lives, some helpful and some harmful. People have different reasons for doing it and it’s important to understand what’s motivating your news habit, says psychiatrist Leela R. Magavi, MD. <h4>To try to make uncertain events make sense</h4> It’s easy to feel helpless and scared during these uncertain times and some people find that staying informed, even through doomscrolling, helps them feel comforted and in control. Understanding why and how something is happening can help it to feel less frightening. “It’s a way to understand or try to make sense of very uncertain times,” Yeager says. <h4>A sense of connectedness</h4> Another benefit is feeling connected to others who have similar concerns and worries or are in similar situations, Dr Magavi says. You feel like you’re part of a group and you’re not alone. <h4>Reassurance that you’re okay</h4> The third potentially useful reason, and perhaps the most surprising one, is that it can be a way to reassure yourself that things actually aren’t as terrible as they seem and that you’re doing alright, Yeager says. For instance, seeing news about a devastating hurricane on the other side of the world may make you grateful you live in a place where such weather events are uncommon. <h4>Feeling prepared</h4> “For some people, it can be empowering that they are on top of the latest disaster before other people,” Gardere says. “It’s almost like being ahead of the game.” This can also be helpful for knowing what you should be doing now to prepare. For instance, perhaps you need to pack a “go bag” in case of fire, while others may want to stock up on toilet paper in the face of new lockdowns. <h4>Fear of missing out</h4> Of course, there are also negative reasons people doomscroll. Top of that list: a deep-seated fear that you are missing out, Dr Magavi says. You’ve heard of FOMO (fear of missing out) for parties and weddings? Well, it turns out that you can get FOMO for natural disasters and wars, too. Constantly reading bad news can be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not missing anything important, she says. <h4>A way to manage anxiety</h4> Many people who doomscroll use it as a way to manage their anxiety about events they can’t control, Dr Magavi says. Unfortunately, this habit can quickly become a compulsion. You start out doomscrolling to relieve your anxiety and then the bad news only creates more of it. <h4>Boredom</h4> Boredom stemming from being trapped indoors during restrictions is another reason many of us start doomscrolling, Gardere says. Our phones are the one thing that’s with us no matter where we are. We’ve become more dependent on them for everything from information to entertainment to connection, he says. Some people scratch that itch with Candy Crush. Others read through alarming news reports. <h4>Hypervigilance</h4> Doomscrolling may be a manifestation of a deeper issue – hypervigilance, Yeager says. People who are in a state of hypervigilance have a heightened sensitivity to potential dangers and are constantly scanning their environment for threats. It exists as a way to help people monitor and escape dangers. But the problem is that when everything feels dangerous, then you’re on constant alert, which is mentally and physically exhausting. <h4>You’re addicted to your phone</h4> Every time you pick up your phone, you’re rewarded with a little hit of dopamine, leading many people to pick up their phone 75 to 100 or even more times per day, Yeager says. What’s one major way your phone can capture your attention? A big, negative news headline. And before you know it, you’re doomscrolling through all the headlines. “Picking up your phone is consistently rewarding and it can be very hard to break away from news feeds,” he says. <h4>It feels like doing something</h4> While each of these reasons resonates with me on some level, for me personally, I think I like doomscrolling because it feels like I’m doing something. It gives me the illusion of action without the responsibility or fear of stepping outside my academic comfort zone and, you know, actually doing something about all these problems. Written by Charlotte Hilton Anderson. This article first appeared in <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/healthsmart/conditions/mental-health/what-is-doomscrolling-what-psychologists-need-you-to-know">Reader’s Digest</a>. Find more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, <a href="https://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&utm_medium=articles&utm_campaign=RDSUB&keycode=WRA93V">here’s our best subscription offer</a>.

Mind

Are you a good person? Psychologists outline the traits of "everyday saints"

We have long been intrigued by the darker side of human psyche – look no further than our culture’s unwavering interest in serial killers, true crime and the morbid. In early 2000s, psychologists identified the trio of traits known as the “dark triad”: psychopathy (callousness and cynicism), narcissism (entitled self-importance) and Machiavellianism (tendency to exploit and manipulate). Since then, these antisocial traits have continued to become the focus of both academic research and public attention. However, Scott Barry Kaufman, a psychologist at Columbia University decided to look in another direction. “The dark triad and the dark side of our nature is an area that people keep on talking about over and over again,” he told the <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/science/2019-05-16/psychopaths-narcissm-the-dark-triad-fascinate-us-the-light-triad/11093104">ABC</a>. “I wanted to see if there was anything interesting about people who are not arseholes.” After testing <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00467/full?utm_source=S-TWT&utm_medium=SNET&utm_campaign=ECO_FPSYG_XXXXXXXX_auto-dlvrit">more than 1,500 people</a> of varying ages, genders, races and ethnicities, Kaufman and his colleagues proposed “light triad”, the three characteristics that best demonstrate the lighter side of the human nature. These three good personality traits are Kantianism (treating people as ends unto themselves rather than mere means), humanism (valuing the dignity and worth of each individual person), and faith in humanity (belief in the fundamental goodness of people). They are not necessarily the inverse of the dark triad – instead, there is a little bit of both light and dark in every one of us, the researchers said. “The absence of darkness does not necessarily indicate the presence of light,” the authors write in their paper. “There appears to be some degree of independence between the Light and Dark Triad, leaving room for people to have a mix of both light and dark traits.” Kaufman said it is important to examine what makes a “good” person in today’s world. “Yes, everyday psychopaths exist,” Kaufman wrote on <a href="https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/the-light-triad-vs-dark-triad-of-personality/?redirect=1">Scientific American</a>. “But so do everyday saints, and they are just as worthy of research attention and cultivation in a society that sometimes forgets that not only is there goodness in the world, but there is also goodness in each of us as well.” Even if you are tilted towards the dark side, it can still change, said Nick Haslam, a personality researcher at University of Melbourne. He said personality is not fixed throughout our lifetime. “Personality is not some mysterious thing lurking deep within the soul, it's just is the way you tend to behave. There is lots and lots of evidence that these things can change.” Want to know where your personality lies on the spectrum? Take the Light Triad Scale test <a href="https://scottbarrykaufman.com/lighttriadscale/">here</a>.

Mind

5 things psychologists do to reduce stress

Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re becoming stressed out until it’s too late, and de-stressing can be an incredibly difficult and time-consuming task. Thankfully, there are plenty of ways you can fast-track that relaxation process. To help you do just that, five psychologists have shared the stress reduction methods they swear by with the folks at <a href="https://brightside.me/inspiration-psychology/8-methods-to-get-rid-of-stress-that-even-psychologists-use-447060/" target="_blank">Bright Side.</a> 1. Write notes Writing down everything that comes to mind is a great way to clear your head and create a blank slate, says clinical psychologist Dr John Duffy. “To reduce stress, I make notes. Thoughts, situations, relationships with people, article ideas. I write down and give structure to everything that comes to my mind. This creative process is really helpful because we forget about problems, our head becomes clear, the tension goes down. After that, I can see things from a different perspective.” 2. Tighten then release your muscles Psychotherapist Kevin Chapman swears by this muscle relaxation technique first developed in 1920. It’s based on the idea that any strong tension is followed by strong relaxation. All you need to do is tighten your muscles for 10 seconds (e.g. make a fist) then release and feel the relaxation for 20 seconds. You can repeat these for all the muscle groups, perfect for targeting specific areas of tension. For information on how to do it, <a href="https://au.reachout.com/articles/a-how-to-guide-relaxation-training" target="_blank">click here</a>. 3. Change the way you react to stressful events Psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne has a motto she repeats to herself any time she’s confronted with a stress-inducing incident – “I can’t change the situation, but I can change my reaction.” Say, for example, you’ve just taken your car to the mechanic for emergency repairs and you won’t have it back for a few days. Yes, it’s inconvenient and stressful, but instead of focusing on the negative implications, focus on the positive. No car means you can get out in the fresh air and walk to your destination or enlist a friend or family member for a lift, which gives you the opportunity for a catch-up. 4. Stimulate your nerves Lawyer-turned-self-help-expert, Toni Bernhard, says simply running your fingers along your lips can help relieve stress. It works by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system (the system responsible for maintaining a calm, balanced state), naturally calming you down. “It’s my ‘go to’ practice for immediately calming my mind and body,” she explains. 5. Interrupt your flow of thought When you’re stressed, it’s easy to fall into the trap of becoming stressed about being stressed. That’s a lot of stress! To calm yourself down, psychologist Martin Seligman recommends a more physical approach. When you catch yourself stressing or worrying, clap your hands together and say out loud, “Stop! I’ll think about it later.” Another way to do this is wear a hairband on your wrist and snap it when your thoughts turn sour, or you can simply pinch yourself. This will break the cycle of negative thought and allow yourself to switch your focus back to the present. Tell us in the comments below, what never fails to calm you down?

Mind

10 essential tips for making better conversation

Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today. You and your partner are having a quiet dinner at home, but perhaps you are finding it a bit too quiet. Although you don't feel that communication has ever been an issue for you, it seems that lately you’ve run out of fresh things to say. Or perhaps you’re sharing a commute with your carpool buddy, and the minutes seem to be dragging on without any new topics to cover. The ride goes much faster when you can enjoy a good chat, but now you just can’t wait to arrive at your destination. Not knowing what to talk about can also affect you in social situations, such as an office party or a neighbourhood get-together. You’re in the corner with a co-worker or person from down the street, and just keep coming up short when the conversation switches to you. In a new study published by Joshy Jacob Vazhappilly and Marc Reyes (2017) of the University of Santo Tomas (Manila), the efficacy of an intervention designed to help distressed marital partners learn to communicate better was evaluated. Although applied in a treatment situation, their “Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program (ECCP)” could have broader applicability to any situation in which you find yourself unable to communicate in ways consistent with your wishes. In couples, as they point out, “healthy communication nurtures human relationship." ECCP trains couples over the course of a nine-module series. Some modules include training partners to listen with empathy (“with giraffe’s ears”), meaning to listen without judgment and to take criticism “jovially.” Other modules train couples to be genuine and truthful in turn, and to avoid “should-talks.” As they get further into the training, couples “use a new language of loving relationship of understanding and accepting.” Vazhappilly and Reyes evaluated the intervention’s efficacy on the marital satisfaction and communication scores of 32 Indian couples. There was no control group, but over the course of the five-week training, couples showed significant improvement on these two outcome measures. You may not feel you need such an intervention to get along better with your carpool partner, but the basic principles of ECCP could prove translatable to a variety of situations involving communication, particularly when you feel stuck. With these findings in mind, let’s take a look at 10 ways that you can become a better communicator when your conversations hit a bump in the road. 1. Listen to what the other person is saying If you’re <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201712/easy-ways-tell-whether-you-re-inadvertent-narcissist" target="_blank">too focused on what you should say next,</a> you’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of you. These could be areas of similarity between you and a person you’ve just met (such as having the same birthday), or lead-ins that your spouse provides which give you an opportunity to find out more. Either way, you’ll seem like someone who really has an interest in the other person, and you’ll also come up with further conversation topics. 2. Express yourself openly and honestly People can sniff out insincerity pretty well, and if you’re covering up, they’ll feel less like confiding in you. 3. Avoid making judgments No matter whether the person you’re talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like confiding in you. 4. Look for obvious cues as conversation jumping-off points People you don’t know that well may reveal features about their interests or background just by what they’re wearing. Someone wearing clothes with sport team logos gives you the opportunity to ask about their fan allegiance, which can make for interesting conversation if the team is from another city or country. Unusual or particularly artistic jewellery is another conversation-starter. 5. Stay on top of the news, and store some of it away so that you can chat about it later You might not want to get into a serious political discussion with someone you hardly know, but some events from the national or local news can present interesting titbits. There certainly is plenty going on to provide rich fodder for conversation, as long as you steer clear of particularly sensitive topics. 6. Come up with an agenda Just as meetings run more smoothly with a predetermined set of topics, your social conversations could benefit by similar planning. If you know you’ll be in the car with your carpool partner for an hour, think of three or four things you think would be fun to kick around. Similarly, with your romantic partner, planning a list of items you can cover at dinner could also keep the conversation alive. 7. Don’t be scared by silence A quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’ve become uninteresting. Sometimes a little break can give each of you a chance to refocus. 8. Note whether the other person would like to break off the conversation To be a better conversation partner, you sometimes need to know when to close as well as to open. If people sense that you don’t know when to stop talking, whether it’s saying goodbye at the door or letting your partner get on to other tasks around the house, they’ll tend to stay away from getting entangled in what they’ll perceive as a tedious interaction. 9. Be careful about making jokes that will be perceived as insensitive You and your partner likely have a somewhat broader range of potentially offensive topics that you can openly discuss than would you would with someone you hardly know. It’s much harder to back off from an unfortunate comment with people who aren't your closest friends or family members. 10. Use conversations with new people as practice for improving your skills The ECCP intervention was focused on married couples, but its principles can be translated to a variety of less intense situations. Let’s say you’re seated next to someone you’ve never met at a dinner for supporters of a local cause. The chances are good that you already have things in common, so make it your goal to find out what they are, and let the conversation evolve around these solid talking points. Honing your abilities in this way will give you greater confidence to help other conversations flow in the future. Being able to keep the conversation going can certainly build the bonds between you and the people you care about the most. And if you’re trying to have an enjoyable evening with someone you’ve just met, these primers may lead to surprising outcomes that can broaden your fulfillment in unexpected ways. Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/" target="_blank">Psychology Today</a>.

Relationships

10 lessons in lasting happiness from a psychologist

Dr Anthony Gunn is a psychologist who specialises in treating fears and phobias. Can we really become happier or is happiness determined by our genes? Researchers have found that 50 per cent of our happiness is determined by genes and only 10 per cent by what happens to us in our lives. Amazingly, this means 40 per cent of our happiness is within our control. In spite of what you have inherited or what tragedies you have experienced in life, there are things you can do to increase your happiness. Continue reading to learn the lessons of lasting happiness. “The basic root of happiness lies in our minds; outer circumstances are nothing more than adverse or favourable.” – Matthieu Ricard 1. Need versus want Most of us in developed countries have all our basic needs met: food, shelter, hygiene, safety and education. So we have to rely on wants to make us happy, such as wanting a new car, new lounge, bigger TV, newer phone. Sadly, our wants will never make us happy in the long term because we don’t need them to survive. Tap back into your basic needs. For example: <ul> <li>Thirst: Do a physical challenge that causes you to develop a real thirst, and notice how good a drink of water tastes.</li> <li>Safety: Feel a buzz of exhilaration by taking a small risk, such as doing a difficult water activity or holding a tame snake at a zoo.</li> <li>Warmth: Have a cold shower in cold weather and then focus on getting warm.</li> </ul> Happiness is appreciating the things we most need. 2. Habituation, the villain of happiness Do you like chocolate? The first piece of chocolate will taste great, yet each subsequent piece will offer decreasing pleasure. Why? It’s because we get used to things; in psychology, this is called habituation. You think you’ll be happy once you get that new car, renovated kitchen, polished floorboards or whatever, but the happiness won’t last long because the novelty wears off. The result is that you need to buy another new object to try to increase your happiness again. Before buying a new non-essential object, ask yourself how long it will keep you happy. “An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.” – Pliny the Younger 3. Flexibly happy A key feature of many types of mental health issues is that the suffering person is inflexible to change. Change is all around us. Simply by reading this book you will have changed. Instead of trying to fight the inevitable, embrace change – one of the keys to happiness. Change doesn’t have to be negative; it can offer variety, novelty, surprise and excitement. Try making small changes in your life: try a new fashion, rearrange the furniture in your home or office, try a new food, or skip for the fun of it. Once you get used to making small changes, bigger ones will seem possible. Go on, embrace change and become flexibly happy! “The key to sustained happiness, health, and longevity is flexibility.”– Ev Durán 4. Count Your Blessings Researchers have found that regularly counting your blessings increases happiness. Try the experiment researchers used: for one week, set aside ten minutes each night before you go to bed to write down three things that went well that day. You have to physically write it down on paper or type it on your computer, instead of just doing the exercise in your head. Next to each positive event in your list, answer the question, “Why did this good thing happen?’ The researchers found that not only did this make people happier, but the benefits lasted for six months. Give it a go! “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr Seuss 5. Get off the worry wheel Worry is a happiness killer. Do you often keep going over problems in your mind that you can’t solve? This is known as rumination. Whether you’re worrying about what people think, financial issues, or the wellbeing of family members, ruminating on problems will risk happiness. What’s worse is that it often feels good, like we are fixing the problem, but this is a trap. Rumination is similar to a hamster on a wheel: you put in lots of work but go nowhere. Break the wheel of worry through action. What can you physically do about the problem? If everything has been done, then distract yourself from the problem by doing activities that bring enjoyment. Starting today, what can you do to get off the worry-wheel? 6. Success doesn’t equal happiness A common way of thinking is that success amounts to happiness. For example, if a person works harder, then they’ll be more successful, and if they become more successful, they’ll be happier. The problem with this logic is that every time you succeed you have to change the goalposts. It is often said that actors, athletes or business people are only as good as their last performance. Maybe you did well in your last test, but now have an expectation to maintain this high level. Maybe your sales targets were reached, but then were increased to keep pushing you. Success is one measure of our achievements, but it’s also a dangerous illusion if you believe it’s the only gauge of happiness. Does what you do truly make you happy? If yes, then you are a success. If no, then it may be time to re-evaluate your goals. 7. Drown-proofing Fear Imagine having your ankles bound and your hands tied behind your back before being thrown into a swimming pool. Sounds horrific! This is what soldiers seeking to qualify for the elite US Navy Seals are forced to go through. The logic is that it teaches soldiers to overcome their initial panic and discover that they can indeed swim when bound. I use this example not so you’ll try this, but to show what can be achieved once fear is controlled. We humans are far more resilient than we often give ourselves credit for. We can’t get rid of fear, but we can learn to embrace it. A fear that controls you will also control your happiness. What small fear can you embrace and master? “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” – Joseph Campbell 8. Question your judgments Try this brainteaser: a bat and ball cost $1.10. The bat costs $1 more than the ball. How much is the ball? If you said the ball costs 10 cents, you have fallen into a common trap that also catches many top university students. If the ball was 10 cents then the bat (to be worth $1 more than the ball) would have to cost $1.10, and this totals $1.20. The correct answer is the ball would cost 5 cents (5 cents + $1.05 = $1.10). The reason we make this common mistake is that our brains look for the easiest option and then latch on to it as a way of saving time and energy. The next time you make a quick negative judgement about either another person or yourself, pause. Often happiness is found when we are prepared to accept that our opinions may not be correct, especially opinions about what we think we can’t do. 9. Be aware of the “I used to…” syndrome You’ve probably heard fit and able people say things such as: <ul> <li>I used to go fishing.</li> <li>I used to go camping.</li> <li>I used to go dancing.</li> <li>I used to exercise.</li> <li>I used to socialise more.</li> </ul> If a person still wants and is physically able to do an activity that previously gave them enjoyment, but chooses not to, then it’s time for concern. The moment a person uses the words “I used to”, they have an under-investment in their physical and emotional wellbeing. If you find yourself using the “I used to” statement, stop and take stock of your life because it’s likely you’re putting your own needs way down the priority list. Make happiness a priority by replacing I used to with I will. 10. Pay your social debts I’m not talking about being in debt with financial institutions, but rather being in debt with people you know. The discomfort of feeling indebted to others can be a drain on happiness. Have you been helped by someone you know, but not returned the favour? Maybe they babysat your kids or gave you a lift. It’s important to return the favour where possible: offer to mind their kids or reciprocate hospitality. If you can’t repay the debt in this way, then consider giving a small gift. Remember, it doesn’t matter what the gift is. What’s important is that you acknowledge their help, to show you aren’t taking them for granted. Have you paid all your social debts? “Debts are like children: the smaller they are the more noise they make.” – Spanish proverb <img width="156" height="217" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/24883/get-happy-cover_156x217.jpg" alt="Get Happy Cover" style="float: right;"/>This is an edited extract from Get Happy by Dr Anthony Gunn published by Hardie Grant Books RRP 21.99 and is available in stores nationally. Related links: <a href="/health/mind/2016/06/overcoming-pain-using-the-power-of-the-mind/">Overcoming pain using the power of the mind</a> <a href="/health/mind/2016/06/trick-to-make-you-a-morning-person/">The 4 tricks guaranteed to make you a morning person</a> <a href="/health/mind/2016/06/extraordinarily-simple-ways-to-be-happy/">5 extraordinarily simple ways to be happy</a>

Mind

Breaking up doesn’t have to break you

Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfillment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today. There’s no question that the ending of a close relationship can be wrenching. Whether through breakup, divorce, or the death of your partner, you will inevitably go through a period of great sadness. Common wisdom is that the best way to recover is to “work through” the loss and rid yourself of all memories of your absent partner. Friends may tell you that as long as you give it time, you’ll eventually forget about the person and be able truly to move on with your life. Psychological wisdom traditionally agreed with this viewpoint. The trouble with this approach when it comes to a close relationship’s ending is that it’s wrong. The closer the relationship, the greater the chances that it’s burrowed deep into your psyche. Although you are changed by all the relationships you have, even some that may be brief and seemingly insignificant at the time, it’s the ones that have persisted that are most likely to have changed you in fundamental ways. This view of close relationships is based on the general principles of attachment theory, which proposes that we carry remnants of our earliest relationships with caregivers into our adult years. These are the most fundamental influences on our so-called “working models” of ourselves, but not the last ones. According to bereavement researcher Margaret Stroebe, it’s not unhealthy for our attachment bonds to live on even after our loved ones have departed. At the root of this is the underlying truth that this person was once a part of your own identity, and that your ex’s view of you was vitally important to your own self-definition. You saw yourself as he or she did, and indeed may have found it difficult to imagine yourself in any other way. (In other words, you “completed” each other.) Your ex also most likely affected your life in thousands of less profound ways. Your choice of vegetables may have been predicated on your partner’s preferences, and even your decisions about wearing your hair probably reflected the look your partner favoured. Now that the partner isn’t with you, it may take you a minute or two while at the grocery store to realise that you can go ahead and buy the broccoli your partner couldn't tolerate but which you love. Clearly, we can’t easily erase people either from our self-definitions or our routines. However, other than making those minor adaptations to our daily lives, is there any reason we should have to wipe the slate clean? What if your partner taught you valuable life lessons you’d never have learned on your own? How about the way he or she made you feel better about yourself when your self-esteem took a beating from disappointments you faced at work? You don’t need to unlearn those valuable insights or purge the positive impact your partner had on you. These have now become a part of you. While you’re in the midst of the pain of a relationship’s ending, it may be hard to see how you will emotionally survive. By using this dual-process model of restoration and loss, you will adapt to the change a break up of a relationships brings: <ul> <li>Restoration. To ease the burden of dealing with the changes the breakup will require, start by making a list of what needs to be done to rework your daily life. Depending on how you distributed household responsibilities, you may have to take on more childcare, driving, or bill-paying—or become more handy. This may require a trip to the hardware store, or a laundry-room refresher. As you make the many practical adaptations in your life the breakup will require, consider using some positive reframing as a coping method. Instead of seeing these responsibilities as problems, view them as opportunities to develop new parts of yourself. You might find that you’re actually pretty good with a hammer and nails.</li> <li>Loss. The loss function means that you psychologically come to terms with the relationship’s ending. Of the two processes, this is definitely the tougher one. Adjusting to the absence of a person who was so much a part of your life will not happen easily, but the burden may be reduced somewhat when you realise that you don’t have to rid yourself of all of the relationship's remnants. You can hold onto the parts that provide you with inner sustenance. As with the restoration process, there will be times when you might need to rely on positive reframing. It’s important to avoid the temptation to label everything about your ex as “bad,” even though when the wounds are freshest, you’ll find it hard to acknowledge any of his or her redeeming qualities. After that immediate pain subsides, you can start to look back and find positive meanings from both your ex and that part of your own identity that was wrapped up in his or hers.</li> </ul> The work of Stroebe and her collaborators makes us realise that continued bonds of attachment to our exes in our lives can be healthy and growth-promoting. Even if it's a relationship that ended decades ago, it's a part of the narrative that has become your own personal life story, for now and in the years to come. Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2015/10/tips-for-dating-after-60/">5 tips to get back into dating after 60</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2015/03/what-to-do-when-you-feel-like-giving-up-dating/">Given up on dating? Then you need to read this!</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2014/08/it-took-630-contacts,-62-coffee-dates-and-5-relationships-before-i-found-my-husband/">It took 630 contacts, 62 coffee dates and 5 relationships before I found my husband</a>

Relationships

Why we stay in bad relationships

Janice Killey, principal psychologist at Life Resolutions Kogarah in New South Wales, writes for Over60 about why people stay in bad relationships and how to move forward to create a healthy and happy partnership. What does every good relationship have, what happens when it turns sour and negative habits creep in, and what can you do to move forward? A healthy relationship requires good communication, respect, and plenty of good habits exhibited by both parties. If you haven’t the first two attributes the positive good habits can be replaced by negative bad habits which further erode the relationship. So why do relationships continue to exist in this subversive manner rather than addressing the issues or finishing the relationship? The reasons couples stay together when their relationship has become toxic include the fear of loneliness, the worry of not finding someone else, guilt, you feel sorry for the other person, thinking you have invested too much time in the relationship. Other justifications include, “I’m too old, I don’t think it’s worth it”, financial security, regret of spending your time with the wrong person, hope that things will change. The individuals stay together, begrudgingly tolerating each other, not addressing the issues but as a defence develop bad habits consciously or subconsciously to hurt them self, their partner, their relationship, and quite possibly those around them. This negative behaviour helps them avoid the underlying issues that are surrounding their relationship problems. Moving forward If you can work together to weed out the negative issues and habits that is the most direct answer. Be careful of taking advice from well-meaning friends and family. Most people benefit from working with an independent, professional psychologist or counsellor. Couples come to therapy to work on their communication skills, to reignite respect for one another, identify bad habits and replace them with good habits. At <a href="http://www.liferesolutions.com.au/kogarah/" target="_blank">Life Resolutions Kogarah</a> we find many couples in relationship counselling also need one on one counselling to work on personal issues that maybe affecting the relationship. This could be an individual’s past family history or relationships, cultural differences, jealousy, anger issues, not dealing with job loss and/or retirement anxieties, traumas, substance abuse, or maybe some longstanding undefined personality issue. One on one therapy can be undertaken by the same psychologist working with the couple or another psychologist as this therapy remains confidential unless the individual wants to discuss it with their partner. Sometimes after counselling some couples find that they are two incompatible people and seek to move forward separately. Some tips to help you create a healthier relationship: <ul> <li>Show gratitude and pay attention to that person by your side.</li> <li>Communicate with respect</li> <li>Listen to and stop blaming one another.</li> <li>Clarify miscommunications and misunderstandings.</li> <li>Identify and validate your partner’s feelings. Sometimes the simplest solution is to just stop and listen to what your partner is saying. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how he or she could be feeling that way or seeing things in that light.</li> <li>Act in more kind and loving ways to one another.</li> <li>Communicate the idea that feelings can change and be affected by actions.</li> <li>If needed seek help from a trained psychologist or counsellor who has had relationship training that can work with you on all of the above.</li> </ul> To sum up, healthy relationships require good communication, respect for one another, and plenty of positive relationship habits. Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/01/how-to-make-love-last/">The secret to make love last</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/01/science-behind-couples-who-die-together/">There’s a science behind couple that die close together</a> <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2015/12/signs-of-a-toxic-friendship/">5 signs of a toxic friendship</a>

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What is doomscrolling? What psychologists need you to know

Are you a good person? Psychologists outline the traits of "everyday saints"

5 things psychologists do to reduce stress

10 essential tips for making better conversation

10 lessons in lasting happiness from a psychologist

Breaking up doesn’t have to break you

Why we stay in bad relationships

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How can I stop overthinking everything? A clinical psychologist offers solutions

Mothers’ dieting habits and self-talk have profound impact on daughters − 2 psychologists explain how to cultivate healthy behaviors and body image

The 4 biggest gift-giving mistakes, according to a consumer psychologist

13 things psychologists wish you knew about happiness

Why do people tailgate? A psychologist explains what’s behind this common (and annoying) driving habit

Agoraphobia symptoms: Psychologists list the 5 main signs

“Aren’t you my psych?” Woman “matches” with her psychologist on dating app

Feeling stressed during lockdown? A psychologist explains why

What is doomscrolling? What psychologists need you to know

Are you a good person? Psychologists outline the traits of "everyday saints"

5 things psychologists do to reduce stress

10 essential tips for making better conversation

10 lessons in lasting happiness from a psychologist

Breaking up doesn’t have to break you

Why we stay in bad relationships

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