Wed, 19 Dec, 2018
Mum’s heartbreaking letter to daughter who took her own life
Linda Trevan from Melbourne tragically lost her 15-year-old daughter Cassidy to suicide in 2015. Cassidy faced a life of bullying and was later gang raped. Now three years later, Linda shares her emotional letter dedicated to her daughter.
This letter may contain triggering or disturbing material. If you would like to support Linda and her fight against bullying, visit her Facebook page.
My darling Cassidy, it’s three years tonight. Three years since that knock on the door that was to end my world.
I ran to the front door assuming it was you arriving home from the beach where your dad had taken you for two days to try to cheer you up.
But when I opened the door it was two police officers. I was confused. They asked to come in, and then they asked me to sit down. I refused. My first thought was that you’d been in a car accident and that your dad was hurt. “Just tell me what’s happened,” I said.
“We are sorry to inform you that your daughter took her own life this afternoon.”
I just remember backing away from them with my hands over my face wailing, “no, no, no, no, nooooo”.
They helped me to a chair as my whole body started to give way at the same time as my world fell apart.
It was 8.30pm, but they told me you’d been pronounced dead at 6.10pm, although you had actually died around 4.30pm, almost 100km away from me. They said your lifeless little body would already be with the coroner. How could you be dead? How could you have been dead for four hours without me feeling it? How could I not have been with you in your final moments?
In some ways it feels like only yesterday… In other ways it seems like forever ago. But it always just feels like the emptiest, deepest, most unimaginable pain. To know that I’ll never see you again, never hug you again, never laugh with you again, never rub your little back to help soothe you to sleep again.
The day you died I feel like I died too, and that I’ve barely existed since then. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to create a meaningful life for myself without you. I miss you so so very much, every second of every day, and you still dominate the bulk of my daily thoughts.
Last night I lit a 55-hour candle so you can find your way home to me. Come and visit me in my dreams, please, I need to see you, to have just one more joyous moment with you.
I don’t think I’ve made it to the acceptance stage of grief yet. How can I ever accept that my precious only baby was so betrayed, so wronged, so let down by society and every professional who failed to help and protect you, both before and after what happened to you? How can I ever accept that you were so broken, so so very sad that you had to take your own life to stop your pain? The knowledge of how badly you had to suffer just kills me and always will.
I’m so so sorry that I couldn’t fix you and make it all better, like a mum should be able to, so that we could still be together today and forever.
My grief is still so incredibly overwhelming. But I have to try to stay strong so that I can keep your name and your memories alive and continue spreading bullying awareness to try to save other lives.
Love and proudness my precious darling, my forever 15, my teen-angel, you were my dream come true my beautiful baby. I love you and miss you so very much, with every little fragment of my broken heart. You were the love of my life, an absolute joy, and It was an honour and a privilege to be your mum. I just keep having to tell myself that you are no longer in pain and are now at peace. fly, fly, my infinite child.
I wish you could see how much love and support your story has received from all around the world. You will live on in my heart, and in the hearts of thousands all around the world, forever. xxx
Cassidy was only 13 years old when she was gang raped by a group of students. After the incident occurred, her family had decided to relocate, but despite moving away, the young teenager faced bullying online up until the day she passed away, 22 months later.
Linda is now wanting to make sure no other parent goes through what she has gone through and is hoping that this letter will push children to speak to someone they trust if they are being bullied.
If you are troubled by this article, experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call the Depression Helpline at 0800 111 757 or visit depression.org.nz.