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Christchurch attack victims' families reflect on tragedy five years on

It's been five years since 51 men, women and children, were murdered in a terror attack when a white supremacist opened fire at Al Noor and Linwood mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand. Now, the victims' families have reflected on the tragic day, and commemorated their loved ones on the five-year anniversary of the attacks. Dr Maysoon Salama, who lost her son Atta Elayyan, 33, relives the grief of losing her son every day. “The pain is still fresh,” she told 7NEWS. Five years on, the good memories she shared with her son still play back in her mind. “Atta was an amazing son,” she said. “He’s touched the lives of so many people.” Despite the tragedy, Dr Salama remains strong and finds herself healing through her granddaughter Aya. “I feel like I see her father when I see her,” she said. “It’s a really hard journey ... but she has always been my focus.” Aya was two when she lost her father, and Dr Salama was faced with the heartbreaking task of helping her granddaughter adjust to a life without her father. “When I look her in the eyes and she will ask, ‘Where is my dad?’, what am I going to tell her?” she recalled thinking. “How are we going to tell her when she’s so attached to her daddy? She loved him so much.” Dr Salama's husband, Mohammad Alayan, was among the dozens of people hospitalised following the attack, with doctors at the time saying he was “lucky to survive”. “He had been shot twice. One in his head and it affected his vision and one in his shoulder and she said it was just a few millimetres away from his heart,” Maysoon said. The couple run a Muslim childcare centre An-Nur, and have worked together to help children navigate New Zealand's darkest days. She recalled the sinking feeling when she first heard of the attacks while at work, and how her husband's first instinct was to tell her to protect herself and everyone at the childcare centre. “I got a call from my husband and he told me he was in hospital and that I have a big responsibility to protect the children and the teachers and lock down, close the doors because he was afraid the shooter would also come to our place because we are a Muslim childcare centre,” she said. “More families who were distressed started coming to pick up their children, and some of them even had blood on their shirts, some of them witnessed the thing. “It was really an awful situation.” Not long after, she learned that her own son had also been injured, but at the time had no idea of the reality of it all. Aya Al-Umari lost her brother, Hussein, on the fateful day. “It happened so suddenly, I had no time to grieve,” she said. Hussein spent the last moments of his life protecting other people, and even though Aya misses his hugs more than anything, she takes comfort in knowing that her brother's legacy will live on. “He had the opportunity to escape, but he didn’t,” she said. “He was running towards the terrorist. “It really goes to show, especially in his last moments, he was always a giver.” Both Aya and Dr Salama both take comfort in the belief that their loved ones died as as a Shahid – a true martyr who died in the name of their faith in Islam. Dr Salama hopes that the findings from last year’s coronial inquest, expected to be handed down this year, will provide a sense of closure to the victims' families. She also hopes that people will use the fifth anniversary of the shootings to reflect on the work that is yet to be done and call for more action in fighting Islamophobia and extremism. “We can fight Islamophobia by challenging the biases and educating ourselves also and intervening against discrimination. “See something, say something.” Canterbury's Muslim community will also gather today to honour the victims with a commemoration service at Masjid Annur in the evening, according to <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/national/511744/muslims-mark-5th-anniversary-of-christchurch-mosque-terror-attacks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">RNZ</a>. Brenton Tarrant, who was behind the terror attacks, was sentenced to life in jail without parole – the first person in New Zealand's history to receive the sentence because his actions were deemed "so wicked". Images: 7News

Caring

"I still don't know what I did wrong": Susan Sarandon reflects on breaking royal protocol

Susan Sarandon has opened up her brush with royalty, and how she was slammed for "breaking royal protocol". The 76-year-old actress recalled attending the Royal Windsor Cup at Guards Polo Club with her youngest son in 2018, where she met Queen Elizabeth. Sarandon said she was given conflicting advice about what to do when she came face-to-face with Her Majesty, as she explains in the documentary Portrait of the Queen. "[When] I got to to England and my friends were like, 'do not bow, whatever you do don't bow, that is so passe'," Sarandon recalled. "You know, there's this push and pull about whether and how much respect you're going to give to the royal family and whatever. They said to me 'don't bow. Do not bow' and I thought, 'well, I'm going to be respectful'." When the day arrived, Sarandon and her son Miles were seated in a different section, where she received a briefing from a royal aide before the Queen arrived for their meeting. "They said: 'Don't ask her any questions. [If] she talks to you, it's okay but don't ask her anything. And this is what you have to do, you know, bow when she comes'," Sarandon recalls. "So I'm all stressed out, I think, 'am I going to bow or am I not going to bow?' "So anyway, the moment came when they finally said: 'Okay, it's your turn to meet the Queen'. And here is what happened - she was sitting down! "So of course, I had to bend over to shake her hand and so it looked like a curtsy. So, at the end of the day, I kind of did bow and the headlines still said after all of that, that I had gone against protocol somehow. I still don't know what I did wrong." At the time, the British press condemned the actress for breaking royal protocol by initiating a handshake with the Queen. Despite the semantics of their meeting, Sarandon said her brief encounter with Her Majesty was perfectly pleasant. "She was lovely to me," Sarandon says. "I don't think we had a very long conversation. I think it was kind of just 'Oh, it's so nice to meet you'. And, and I said 'it's so nice to meet you'. And I remembered that you can't ask her anything." "So that definitely puts a damper on your conversation because she has to be in charge of everything." Image credits: Getty Images

Beauty & Style

Do emoji reflect our emotions, or are we just putting on a brave face?

As if human communications weren’t complicated enough. Researchers are saying people also use emoji to reflect or mask their internal emotional state, depending on the context and accepted social rules <a href="https://emojipedia.org/confused-face/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😕</a> As we all know, in face-to-face communication, a person may choose to “mask” their true internal feelings in certain situations, like receiving an unwanted gift. They might smile, or display positive facial expressions, contradicting their true feelings. And such displays are often governed by expected social norms and differ according to culture <a href="https://emojipedia.org/face-in-clouds/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😶‍🌫️</a>. Moyu Liu from the University of Tokyo was curious about whether emoji used in online communications – on social media, texting or email – work the same way <a href="https://emojipedia.org/thinking-face/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">🤔</a>. Just like facial expressions, emoji can represent or mask emotions, <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1035742/full" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Liu’s study found</a>. However negative emoji are more likely to represent a persons true feelings. Liu says “with online socializing becoming ever more prevalent, it is important to consider whether it is causing us to become more detached from our true emotions.” “Do people require a ‘shelter’ to express their genuine emotions, and is it possible to break free from pretence and share our true selves in online settings?” More than 1,200 Japanese participants were recruited for the study, aged 10 – 29 years, and all users of a popular downloaded emoji keyboard<a href="https://emojipedia.org/keyboard/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">⌨️</a> in Japan called Simeji. Particpants were asked to respond as they normally would to a set of private and public messages, while also rating the intensity of their emotions. The study shows people use emoji in a similar way to facial expressions. Positive faces <a href="https://emojipedia.org/hugging-face/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">🤗</a><a href="https://emojipedia.org/grinning-face-with-big-eyes/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😃</a><a href="https://emojipedia.org/smiling-face-with-smiling-eyes/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😊</a> were used in both positive contexts, and negative contexts where the user wanted to cover their true emotional state. However, negative emoji strongly reflected intense negative emotions <a href="https://emojipedia.org/pouting-face/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😡</a><a href="https://emojipedia.org/face-with-steam-from-nose/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">😤</a>. People were more likely to truly express their emotions using emoji in private, rather than public communication. And they were more likely to use masking emoji – not matching their emotions – when dealing with high status individuals. And in general, were less likely to use emoji in these contexts <a href="https://emojipedia.org/zipper-mouth-face/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">🤐</a>. Liu emphasized that the study should be expanded in the future to include a broader span of demographics and consider different cultural contexts. The Simeji keyboard is extremely popular among young women, which skewed the sample towards women and younger participants. Image credits: Getty Images <img id="cosmos-post-tracker" style="opacity: 0; height: 1px!important; width: 1px!important; border: 0!important; position: absolute!important; z-index: -1!important;" src="https://syndication.cosmosmagazine.com/?id=238355&title=Do+emoji+reflect+our+emotions%2C+or+are+we+just+putting+on+a+brave+face%3F" width="1" height="1" data-spai-target="src" data-spai-orig="" data-spai-exclude="nocdn" /> <div id="contributors"> This article was originally published on <a href="https://cosmosmagazine.com/technology/do-emoji-reflect-our-emotions/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">cosmosmagazine.com</a> and was written by Petra Stock. </div>

Technology

Kate Bush reflects on hit song revival

British singer-songwriter Kate Bush has reflected on a new generation of fans discovering her music that was made popular in the 1980s. After appearing in the highly-anticipated new season of the Netflix series Stranger Things, Bush’s 1985 hit song Running Up That Hill has found itself back in the top 10 of the international music charts. In a rare interview, the singer told <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007qlvb">BBC’s Woman’s Hour</a> radio show how wonderful it has been to have a new legion of younger fans. She said, “Well it’s just extraordinary. I mean, you know, it’s such a great series, I thought that the track would get some attention. But I just never imagined that it would be anything like this. It’s so exciting. But it’s quite shocking really, isn’t it? I mean, the whole world’s gone mad.” She added, “What’s really wonderful I think is this is a whole new audience who, in a lot of cases, they’ve never heard of me and I love that. The thought of all these really young people hearing the song for the first time and discovering it is, well, I think it’s very special.” Bush also discussed the meaning of the song and how it has been reinterpreted by the show, giving the track a new life. She said, “I really like people to hear a song and take from it what they want. But originally it was written as the idea of a man and a woman swapping with each other. Just to feel what it was like, from the other side.” She also revealed that the show led her to listen to Running Up That Hill for the first time in a long while, admitting “I never listen to my old stuff.” “But then you know, when things like this come along, I’m normally involved in something like you know, maybe doing an edit or revisiting the track for some kind of other reason, I’m working on it. So yeah, I hadn’t heard it for a really long time.” Image credits: Getty Images

Music

“I am one of the group”: Francis Coppola reflects as ‘The Godfather’ turns 50

American writer and director Francis Ford Coppola has made dozens of films and gone on to win five Academy Awards and six Golden Globes, but The Godfather may just be his crowning achievement. With the first film in the trilogy celebrating its 50th anniversary, the acclaimed director shared the dramatic effects its success had on his life in an exclusive interview with <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.empireonline.com/movies/news/francis-ford-coppola-godfather-at-50-changed-my-life-exclusive/" target="_blank">Empire</a> magazine. “Well, it’s odd, of course. To think that 50 years has gone by since the adventure of The Godfather, and when that changed my life so dramatically,” he told the publication. “Because now the Coppola family is considered synonymous with [the film by] many people, [but] when I came to LA, to UCLA Film School, I just dreamed to get a peek inside a studio. “Movies were an exotic fairyland.” While making the film and in the leadup to its initial release, Coppola was under financial pressure to support his wife and kids. But, its debut in 1972 - prompting lengthy queues just to buy tickets - saw Coppola’s fortunes change drastically. “I went from having zero money at all and a family to support, to having several million dollars, which was astonishing,” he recalled. “No one in my family had that kind of money. I went from being unknown and poor with a lot of family responsibilities - I was married young and I loved my kids and my family - to having some money and acclaim. I was famous, everyone knew about The Godfather and everyone knew about me.” Though The Godfather certainly provided Coppola with fame and wealth, the 82-year-old says it gave him something else he had always wanted: a sense of belonging. “The way I look at it, I always wanted to be one of the group,” he said. “As first, I was an outsider, and I wasn’t included in the group because I was a new kid, or I was poor. Then I became famous, and a success, so I still wasn’t one of the group. “In my heart, all I ever really wanted was to be considered one of the group, which I am now because when they talk about all the big directors of the ‘70s, they say George Lucas and Francis Coppola and Marty Scorsese and Steven Spielberg and Brian De Palma and Paul Schrader. “So I have what I want - I am one of the group.” <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> Trailer for the 50th anniversary of Francis Ford Coppola's masterpiece ‘The Godfather’, which will be released in select theatres on February 25 <a href="https://t.co/7vgsBADsF1">pic.twitter.com/7vgsBADsF1</a> — Lost In Film (@LostInFilm) <a href="https://twitter.com/LostInFilm/status/1481648113307701259?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 13, 2022</a></blockquote> To celebrate the film’s milestone, Paramount Pictures and Coppola’s production company American Zoetrope have restored the trilogy - which will be released in 4K Ultra HD for the first time in March this year. “We felt privileged to restore these films and a little in awe every day we worked on them,” <a rel="noopener" href="https://thelatch.com.au/the-godfather-50th-anniversary-australia/" target="_blank">said</a> Andrea Kalas, the senior vice president of Paramount Archives. “We were able to witness first-hand how the brilliant cinematography, score, production design, costume design, editing, performances, and, of course, screenwriting and direction became famously more than the sum of their parts. “It was our commitment to honour all of the filmmakers’ exceptional work.” The Godfather 50th Anniversary will be released in select cinemas from February 25, 2022. Image: Vivien Killilea (Getty Images) / Silver Screen Collection (Getty Images)

Movies

"Moved beyond words": Prince Charles reflects on UK COVID pandemic

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> Prince Charles has been "moved beyond words" as he released a video message marking the National Day of Reflection in the UK. The National Day of Reflection marks one year since the first COVID-19 lockdown started in the UK and honours the 126,000 lives lost since the start of the pandemic with a minute silence at midday UK time. The Prince of Wales has battled coronavirus himself in April and paid tribute to the communities across the UK that have banded together and sacrificed for others. <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> One year on since the UK went into lockdown, The Prince of Wales, as Patron of <a href="https://twitter.com/mariecurieuk?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@mariecurieuk</a>, shares a message to mark this <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/DayOfReflection?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#DayOfReflection</a>. 🌼 <a href="https://t.co/sRY7Ba6Czy">pic.twitter.com/sRY7Ba6Czy</a> — The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall (@ClarenceHouse) <a href="https://twitter.com/ClarenceHouse/status/1374283438434443267?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 23, 2021</a></blockquote> "We have all been inspired by the resourcefulness we have witnessed, humbled by the dedication shown by so many, and moved, beyond words, by the sacrifices we have seen," he said in the clip. "Whatever our faith or philosophy may be, let us take a moment together to remember those who have been lost, to give thanks for their lives, and to acknowledge the inexpressible pain of parting. "In their memory, let us resolve to work for a future inspired by our highest values, that have been displayed so clearly by the people of this country through this most challenging of times." The video message was recorded on behalf of the Marie Curie Foundation where Prince Charles is the royal patron. The charity estimates six million people have been bereaved since the beginning of the pandemic. "Many people who are grieving say the support they receive from their friends and family is one of the things that helps them get through," the charity said, adding: "Don't be afraid to reach out." </div> </div> </div>

Caring

"Not 100 per cent yet": Federer reflects on first match in over a year

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> Tennis legend Roger Federer made his great comeback after a 13-month break. He had two operations on his right knee since playing at the Australian Open last year and decided to get back into the swing of things and play in the Qatar Open. Federer beat Dan Evans 7-6 (8), 3-6, 7-5, but said it feels like he has been gone for ages. "It feels like I have been away for even longer than I actually have been". He also admitted he's not at 100 per cent yet. "I'm not 100% yet," he said. "I can feel it. I can see it, you know. From that standpoint, important is to be 100% by the grass court season. I know that. I'm still building up. So this is a steppingstone." The match went for nearly two and a half hours, and the tennis great admitted he was tired by the end of it. "I was very happy with how I was able to handle the tough moments. I didn't feel like my game started to wobble the more important the points got. I think I was able to play how I wanted to play, so I think that's always a great sign and a great feeling to have," Federer said in a post-match video conference. "In practice, it doesn't matter if you miss a backhand down the line, being down break point," he said. "But here it matters a lot." Dan Evans had no bad blood despite losing to Federer, as he can't wait to see what happens next for him. "From a fan's point of view, it's going to be interesting to see how he goes at his age — he's 39, and that's obviously unheard of, that someone is still competing for Grand Slams at that age," said Evans. "It's going to be real good to watch for everybody, to see what happens, see if he wins. I think most people would hope he wins another, probably, Wimbledon," Evans said. "We'd all be pretty pumped if he got over the line at another Slam." </div> </div> </div>

Caring

"It was what he wanted": Sean Connery widow reflects on final moments

<div class="post_body_wrapper"> <div class="post_body"> <div class="body_text redactor-styles redactor-in"> Micheline Roquebrune, the grieving widow of movie legend Sir Sean Connery revealed that the star wanted to "slip away quietly" after a long battle with dementia. The pair were married for 45 years and Micheline took the time to reflect on her "wonderful life" with her husband who died in his sleep overnight. “It was no life for him. He was not able to express himself latterly,” Micheline told the <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8901151/Sean-Connerys-widow-Micheline-reveals-final-moments-Bond-star-died-aged-90.html" target="_blank" class="editor-rtflink">Daily Mail</a>. She added: “At least he died in his sleep and it was just so peaceful. I was with him all the time and he just slipped away. It was what he wanted.” Micheline, 91, said that his condition had quickly deteriorated. “He had dementia and it took its toll on him. He got his final wish to slip away without any fuss.” She also reflected on life without the star, saying it was "going to be very hard without him". “He was gorgeous and we had a wonderful life together. He was a model of a man. It is going to be very hard without him, I know that. But it could not last for ever and he went peacefully.” The pair first met in 1970 at a golf tournament, with Micheline not knowing who he was initially. “I saw this man from the back, and of course, he had a fine physique” she told The Sun of the 6ft 2 actor. “But that first day I didn’t know who he was or anything about him. “Then I dreamed I saw this man. I was in his arms. And I thought ‘At last, peace’. “The next day I went back to the tournament and that was that!”. Their connection was so strong that the couple didn't even need to speak the same language. “Oh we had no problem communicating — body language!” </div> </div> </div>

Relationships

Kirk Douglas’ grandson reflects on his passing in emotional interview

Kirk Douglas’ grandson has honoured the late acting legend in an emotional interview. Speaking to <a href="https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/cameron-douglas-legacy-grandfather-kirk-douglas-hard-imagine-anyone-doing-it-better-1278758">The Hollywood Reporter</a>, Cameron Douglas said it was difficult to lose his grandfather, who died on February 5 at the age of 103. “He was always there, always supportive and he believed in me even when maybe I had given up on myself,” said Cameron, who previously struggled with drug addiction. “Losing him is one of those things that, even when you sort of see it coming … it’s still difficult. “I take solace in the pride of being his grandson and having had the opportunity to spend as much time with him as I have. When I look at his life, what he accomplished and the way he carried himself, it's hard for me to imagine anyone doing it any better.” Cameron said he brought his partner Viviane Thibes and daughter Lua Izzy to Los Angeles so that the family could spend more time with Kirk. “I moved about 15 minutes away from them and have been spending a lot of time with him, bringing my daughter [and] Vivian over on weekends,” said the 41-year-old. “Just watching the bond between my daughter and grandfather was extremely special. “He would light up every time she was around. When she was in the same room, all she wanted to do was either be in his lap or be the focus of his attention. I'll remind her of that when she gets older, showing her that connection through photos.” Cameron followed in the footsteps of his father Michael and his grandfather to become an actor after serving nearly eight years in prison for possessing cocaine and <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/cameron-douglas-long-way-home-book-memoir-hollywood-life-prison-a9180571.html">distributing methamphetamine</a>. “He said to me, not that long ago, ‘Cameron, I’m so happy to see that you’re finally functioning’. That’s this kind of credo among the members of our family – to be ‘functioning’ – and I know that made him proud.”

Family & Pets

Royal Proposal: Prince William's romantic reflection with Duchess Kate

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge hosted a special reception on behalf of the Queen at Buckingham Palace on Monday evening to mark the UK-Africa summit. The couple were joined by Prince Edward and his wife, the Countess of Wessex along with Princess Anne. During the event, Prince William spoke candidly about his own love for the African continent, and included a sweet anecdote about his proposal to Duchess Catherine that took place almost a decade ago. "The African continent holds a very special place in my heart,” the Duke began. "It was the place my father took my brother and me shortly after my mother died. "And when deciding where best to propose to Catherine, I could think of no more fitting place than Kenya to get down on one knee," he said with a smile. At the time he proposed to his then-girlfriend with his late mother’s famous blue Ceylon sapphire and diamond ring. He continued, "Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to spend time in many other parts of Africa. "I'm also honoured to be the Patron of the Royal African Society and as Catherine and I have said to several of you here tonight we hope to have a chance to visit man more countries in the future and share our mutual love of your continent with our children." Duchess Catherine was a picture of ruby red perfection in a sheer and sequinned gown by Needle & Thread, which she paired with matching suede pumps and elegant waves. Countess Sophie, who was also in the midst of celebrating her 55th birthday, also opted for stunning red Alaia dress with capped sleeves. Just like his younger brother Prince Harry, the Duke of Cambridge holds Africa incredibly close to his heart. The Duke of Sussex said visiting Africa allowed him to heal after the tragic loss of his mother, calling the place his “second home”. It has also been recently revealed, that years before meeting Duchess Meghan, he reportedly confessed to royal reporter Rebecca English about wishing he could walk away from royal life, move to Africa and become a tour guide. Scroll through the gallery to see the Duchess of Cambridge in her stunning red ball gown.

Caring

Does the mirror reflect how you feel? This photo series captures older people as they once were

Photographer Tom Hussey has created a series of images to take people on a journey through the lives of individuals living in aged care facilities. The gorgeous photographs serve as a poignant reminder that older generations had their own rich lives that led them to where they are now. <img width="500" height="334" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7120/reflections2_500x334.jpg" alt="Reflections2"/> <img width="500" height="334" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7121/reflections3_500x334.jpg" alt="Reflections3"/> <img width="500" height="334" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7122/reflections4_500x334.jpg" alt="Reflections4"/> <img width="500" height="333" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7123/reflections5_500x333.jpg" alt="Reflections5"/> <img width="500" height="333" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7124/reflections6_500x333.jpg" alt="Reflections6"/> <img width="500" height="333" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7125/reflections7_500x333.jpg" alt="Reflections7"/> <img width="500" height="333" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7126/reflections8_500x333.jpg" alt="Reflections8"/> <a href="http://www.tomhussey.com/SERIES/Reflections/thumbs" target="_blank">You can browse the entire collection at Tom Hussey’s website.</a> Image credit: Tom Hussey Related links: <a href="/news/news/2015/07/rhino-finds-home-after-poaching/">This orphaned rhino finds a home</a> <a href="/news/news/2015/07/what-happens-to-your-body/">Here's what happens to your body over the course of a single day</a> <a href="/news/news/2015/07/pack-size-causing-resistance-to-antibiotics/">Larger pack sizes could be causing a resistance to antibiotics</a>

News

Prince Charles reflects on his concern over Harry’s time in the army

As he celebrated the 60th anniversary of the Army Air Corps, Prince Charles spoke candidly about the fears he had for Harry during his military service. The next-in-line to the throne, decked out in his tropical service dress and AAC blue beret, addressed soldiers at a presentation in the grounds of Salisbury Cathedral yesterday. “As the father of a former Army Air Corps pilot myself, I am very much aware of the mixed emotions of pride and concern involved in your children embarking on helicopter training and operations,” he confessed. “I have no doubt that it is the unfaltering support, provided by those at home, that allows our soldiers to manage so well when the going gets tough.” Prince Harry entered the military in 2005, undergoing an intense 44-week training course at Sandhurst College. He fought on the front line in Afghanistan on two occasions – once as a forward air controller in 2007 and again in 2012, flying the Apache attack helicopter after retraining with the Army Air Corps. He left the AAC in 2014 to focus on his charity work and the Invictus Games. Charles himself had been the Colonel-in-Chief of the AAC for 25 years. “Army aviation has evolved continuously and has played a vital role in many of the key operations worldwide,” he said. “The campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan have demonstrated the decisive contribution that soldiers in the air can make to the outcome of the land-air battle.” Image: UK Press/Getty.

News

What a child’s humour says about their mental wellbeing

Claire Fox is a senior lecturer in psychology at Keele University. Her research focuses on bullying in schools and domestic violence. Just like adults, children use humour in their everyday lives. Some like to make fun of themselves whereas others like to laugh at the expense of others. But what effect does a child’s humour have, for example, on their relationships with others and how they feel about themselves? To find out, we studied the use of humour in children aged between 11 and 16, and discovered a link between a child’s humour style and their mental health. Our study is based on <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S0092-6566(02)00534-2" target="_blank">previous research</a> into styles of humour among adults. <a href="http://www.psychology.uwo.ca/people/faculty/profiles/martin.html" target="_blank">Rod Martin</a> and colleagues used a questionnaire to identify <a href="http://www.psytoolkit.org/survey-library/humor-hsq.html" target="_blank">four different types of humour</a>: self-enhancing, affiliative, self-defeating, and aggressive. They found evidence to suggest that someone’s styles of humour can have positive or negative impact on their relationships with others and their psychological well-being. Self-enhancing humour is used to enhance oneself, to boost one’s own sense of self, but is not detrimental to others. For example, someone who is feeling a bit upset about a situation can try to think of something funny about the situation so they feel better about it. Affiliative humour enhances relationships with others and reduces interpersonal tensions. For example, laughing and joking around with one’s friends. These two forms of humour are known as “adaptive” humour styles. Self-defeating humour is often used to enhance relationships with others at the expense of oneself, whereas aggressive humour can be used to make yourself feel better at the expense of others – such as making fun of another person. These two forms are known as “maladaptive” because of evidence which suggests they are <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19674401" target="_blank">potentially damaging to an individual</a>. It has been suggested that continual use of aggressive humour can alienate others, eventually having a detrimental effect on the user. Self-defeating humour can harm an individual’s mental health, since it involves putting yourself down and repressing one’s own emotional needs to appease others. It’s useful to distinguish between these forms as they have been linked to aspects of psychological and social adjustment. In many different studies, adults who use adaptive styles of humour are <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0092656602005342" target="_blank">typically found to have better mental health</a> and higher self-esteem, while those using maladaptive humour styles tend to have high levels of anxiety and depression and lower self-esteem. Use of aggressive humour also tends to be associated with social maladjustment – those who use it are more likely to experience problems in their interpersonal relationships. Humour in children From reading about the humour-styles approach we wanted to apply the model to children and young people by asking children to complete a series of questionnaires at the beginning and end of the school year. We found the links between humour styles and adjustment that have been found in adults also apply to children. Our study, <a href="http://ejop.psychopen.eu/article/view/1065/pdf" target="_blank">published in Europe’s Journal of Psychology</a>, found that those using self-defeating humour at the beginning of the school year were more likely to experience an increase in loneliness and symptoms of depression at the end of the year, along with a decrease in self-esteem. This can also lead to a vicious circle of depressive symptoms, causing a further increase in the use of self-defeating humour and so forth. However, <a href="http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886915006200" target="_blank">we also found</a> that those using self-defeating humour do not necessarily fare badly. Few people use only one style, but rather a combination of different styles. So we decided to take a broader approach to our analysis, categorising the children as either “interpersonal humourists”, which includes those who scored above average on aggressive and affiliative humour, but below average on the other two humour styles. “Self-defeaters”, who scored high on this style of humour, but low on all three others. The “humour endorsers” scored above average on all four humour styles. And finally, “adaptive humourists” scored high on the two adaptive styles of humour, but low on aggressive and self-defeating humour. The self-defeaters scored highest on social adjustment in comparison to the humour endorsers, who appeared to use self-defeating humour to an even greater extent than the self-defeaters themselves. This suggests that the negative effects of using self-defeating humour could be reduced if used alongside other more positive styles. What this means is that we should try to encourage greater use of the more positive self-enhancing and affiliative types of humour, since they appear to benefit mental health and self-esteem. Self-defeating humour, despite seeming to make others feel better in the short term, can lead to psychological and social adjustment problems, and so should be discouraged, or perhaps used in combination with more positive styles of humour. So how can this be achieved? My recent work with <a href="https://esrcbullyingandhumourproject.wordpress.com/research-team/lucy-james/" target="_blank">Lucy James</a> involves an innovative educational intervention to explain the different styles of humour and their impact to school children. This is not so much about teaching children to be “funny”: it’s about educating them about the potential positive and negative effects of the ways in which humour can be used, which will hopefully improve their relationships with others and how they feel about themselves. Written by Claire Fox. First appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank">The Conversation</a>.

Family & Pets

Reflecting on my spirituality throughout the years

Margaret Cunningham, 61, is ‘semi-retired’ from her role in digital communications. She is a hobby writer who particularly enjoys writing articles with a reflective viewpoint. A lifelong passion of health and fitness means she is known in her community as ‘that lady who runs.' The In Hindsight series, of which this story is part of, is a collection of stories and moments that have impacted my life. They are snippets of insights and experiences. In the end, these stories will tell the tale of the dash (-) between the dates of my first and last breath. I want these stories to mean something – to let all who read them know the person behind the tags of daughter, sister, mother, wife and grandmother. My mother led an eventful life. Her eulogy certainly revealed a woman with an adventurous spirit, but as my brother delighted us all with the telling of her story I was struck by the thought that her life was just a list of events. The story of her soul, I don’t know. How she felt about her list of events. Her fears, her disappointments and regrets. Of being frightened, of loving, of lessons learned. What made her feel alive? I don’t know. She took this with her to the grave as did my father with his life. And this is at the heart of the In Hindsight series. Me is not my soul – I am more than a list of events. In every Hindsight story lies a chapter of my soul. So to be true to the Hindsight philosophy, I need to talk about the moment when I realised that everything I perceived God to be was a lie. Even now as I write the words, I feel its impact on my soul. From the moment of conception our lives are shaped by others. Within the womb and out of the womb, our first experiences of life are provided by parents or caregivers. In those early years it is adult decisions, opinions, customs, actions, and perceptions that shape what we believe and how we feel. As children we unconsciously accept the beliefs of those around us as the truth. No questions asked. So my parent’s authoritarian Catholicism was my first introduction to God. As far as I was concerned God was religion and religion was God. It’s interesting the impact this had on me. On the one hand, the moment I left home I never stepped back into the Catholic Church, yet God… well I just couldn’t get rid of God. In her book, Watching the Tree, author, Adeline Yen Mah says, “… change is the only constant. To that I will add also the universal human yearning for truth and wisdom.” I never quite know whether to use the term ‘fortunately’ or ‘unfortunately’, but the yearning for truth and wisdom seems to be the road I have travelled. Fitting God, or not fitting God, into our own worldview is a good way to keep God under control. We are good at shaping God to our expectations. God is who we want God to be. And so it was for me. From childhood to adulthood I constructed my own set of values and spiritual beliefs based on past and present life experiences. Naturally these evolved over time because real experiences do change us. The worldview of my youth and for much of adulthood was what I chose to believe. And as is the arrogance of youth, I believed that whatever my worldview was at the time, was the ultimate source of the truth. I still cringe at some of the zealous moments of my spiritual life as I moved through the ‘born again’ scene. As well-intentioned as they might have been, they had more to do with my own ignorance and ego than any display of tolerance, peace or truth. Most of all I feel cross with myself because I did not question. Nothing is what it seems – and this is exactly why we should question everything we think. Wasn’t it Albert Einstein who said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”? Kids are such natural questioners. They start off asking endless ‘why’ and ‘what if’ questions, but somewhere along the way fewer and fewer questions are asked. Why is that? Is it because as adults we think the constant ‘why’ and ‘what if’ questions tedious? Do we say ‘… go away I’m busy’ or do we laugh at a question because we think it silly? The fear of being knocked back, ridiculed or laughed at was very real for me as a child and this accompanied me into adulthood. I didn’t ask questions because I just believed everyone else’s truth. We all have a ‘spirituality’ whether we want one or not, even if we believe/don’t believe in God, or whether we are religious or not. Mention God, spirituality or religion and it conjures up images of churchy, holy, pious, New Age or some other airy fairy mystical perception. This was, and is not me, and if I could write this in shouty CAPS I would. I have led a fairly eventful life exploring most of what life has on offer, the good and the bad. God was just always part of my spirituality and I would modify God to suit my views, values and worldviews at the time. On this particular day I was about to literally dump God for good. God was not behaving as I wanted and acting as I believed God should. Why did God not seem to be answering my prayers? Why did God not feed the starving? Injustice. Wars. Greed. Power. Rape, Poverty, Disease. Why were some babies born just to die? Six million Jews and minority groups massacred in the holocaust. Couldn’t you have stopped this God? Why? Why? Why? So many questions. It was then I became aware of another option. What if everything I believed and perceived God to be was a lie? And it was. So I let God go. For a while I felt utterly bereft. Bewildered and panicky at what was happening. It felt as though I had wasted 50 years of my life chasing God, of being conned by my mind. Letting God go left a huge void. But at the same time completely liberating. I read somewhere that if we continue to journey trying to make things fit into our own worldview then no one will benefit. I had designed God so I could control God. Throughout history, God has suffered a great injustice at the hands of those who claim to be the closest to God. No one person or religion has a monopoly on the truth. What did I replace God with? Oh, I didn’t replace God, no, I just let God go to be God. I have no intention of replacing God with another God. God just is, that’s all. What remains though is room. Plenty of room for God to be God. What I have noticed is how my attitudes towards others have changed. The people I meet and their life experiences have become incredibly precious. Love, peace and tolerance take on new dimensions when you let God go to be God. Nothing is what it seems. Maybe what you believe right now is the truth and you have the answers. If that’s the case, then don’t be afraid of to ask yourself the question. What if everything I perceive, or don’t perceive, God to be is a lie? It may well be that you end up right back where you are now. But it’s a wonderful, exhilarating, never-ending question of what, and who God is, or is not, to explore. Read more from Margaret’s In Hindsight series here: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/12/margaret-cunningham-on-fear/">Don’t let fear stop you from your goals</a> <a href="https://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2017/01/margaret-cunningham-on-time-to-do-nothing/%20">In praise of doing nothing</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/relationships/2016/11/margaret-cunningham-on-what-makes-a-marriage-last/">What really makes a marriage last</a>

Mind

68-year-old’s poem reflecting on the passage of time

Anne Marr, 68, is a registered hairdresser, whose hobbies include writing, gardening, caring for wild life and learning. She’s also studied health, journalism and pain management. Time If a wish could be granted for me it would be for more time to see All the wonders of earth and more time in this space my soul has chosen to grow; Please time go slow. There’s so much to learn and so much to do it’s hard each day to see it all through, And I sometime feel that my time is not real but just in my mind as each day I leave behind; With always a wish there was more time to fit it all in and where to begin. How do I choose which is right for me when there is so much my heart wants to see. I wonder if time will stretch for me with spreading arms that grow like a tree. And I must remember it all should be fun even the days when I’m on the run, And then I remind myself, just love, breath, pause, and feel the sun. For if love comes first in all that we do then there’ll be enough time to see us all through to the next timeless step of our soul as we leave this place in search of our goal. If have you have a story to share, please head over to the <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/community/contributor/community-contributor/">“Share your Story” page.</a> Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/health/mind/2016/09/crying-can-be-good-for-you/">Having a big cry can actually be good for you</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/health/mind/2016/09/10-steps-to-build-your-confidence/">10 steps to build your confidence</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/health/mind/2016/09/5-scientific-ways-to-make-your-brain-happy/">5 scientific ways to make your brain happy</a>

Mind

My Tuesdays with Lewis: reflections from a new grandparent

Pat Simmons, 69, is a writer of poems, short stories, flash fiction and articles. Her work has been published in anthologies and children’s magazines and she has won writer competitions in Australia and the UK. I’m not one of those people who always dreamed of having grandchildren. I used to think that it might be quite nice, but then I’d see these weary, harassed looking people in shopping centres and on the buses saying things like: “I’ve got them three days a week now.” “Me too and there’s another one on the way.” “Lovely having grandchildren though, isn’t it?” ‘Oh yes,” they’d sigh, as they struggled with shopping bags, strollers and wriggling toddlers. It made me wonder whether grandparenthood was all it’s cracked up to be. Then, in August 2014, Lewis was born. No longer working full-time and having moved to the beautiful south coast of NSW where my daughter and son-in-law were living, I was able to visit them regularly and babysit for a few hours here and there. And, of course, Lewis was, and is, adorable and far superior to anyone else’s grandchild. (In my eyes anyway!) Now he’s eighteen months old and both his parents, like most parents of young children these days, need to work. Lewis attends Family Day Care on Mondays and Thursdays and he spends Tuesdays with me. <img width="252" height="336" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/23694/pat-simmons-lewis_252x336.jpg" alt="PAT SIMMONS LEWIS" style="float: right;"/>I must confess that I was pretty nervous on that first Tuesday. He’s an active little guy and, like any eighteen month old, he needs constant supervision. And me? Well, I’m in good health but will be seventy this year and seriously wondered whether I’d be able to cope. What would we do all day? Would he be bored? Would I be bored? It’s a strange thing how your confidence begins to diminish when you retire from full time work. I had to give myself a good “talking to”. Come on, I said to the nervous me. You’ve worked in Children’s Services for twenty years. You have adegree, you’ve studied child development.You have a grown-up son and daughter for goodness sake. The first Tuesday with Lewis went well. I enjoyed our day and I’m pretty sure he did too. “What did you do?” asked my daughter. “Well, we played and… and… stuff.” “How long did he sleep for?” “Two hours,” I said proudly. (I knew the answer to that one.) “Did he eat all his lunch?” “Yes,” I said, failing to mention that my two dogs sat under the highchair waiting patiently for food to be dropped. And it was. The dogs enjoyed their chicken and mashed potato. Reflecting on my first Tuesday with Lewis that same evening, I made some notes about our day together: <ul> <li>We played with the water table, filling it, emptying it, floating toys in it.</li> <li>We blew bubbles. (Those $1.00 bubble wands are great).</li> <li>Lewis found a torch and played with it for ages, shining its beam on the walls and ceiling.</li> <li>Lewis spent lots of time fiddling with the television remotes and my phone.</li> <li>I taught him a little song.</li> <li>He chased the cats, tolerated the dogs and helped feed the guinea pigs.</li> <li>He ate and slept.</li> <li>And we both laughed a lot.</li> </ul> Every Tuesday evening now I write down what we did during the day and reflect on what a joy the day has been and how incredibly lucky I am to have this little boy in my life. Is grandparenthood all it’s cracked up to be? At this moment in time, most definitely. If you have a story to share please get in touch at <a href="mailto:melody@oversixty.com.au" target="_blank">melody@oversixty.com.au</a>. Related links: <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/06/having-a-sibling-makes-boys-selfless/">Having a sibling makes boys selfless</a> <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/06/sibling-rivalries-in-my-childhood-shaped-who-i-am-today/">Sibling rivalries in my childhood shaped who I am today</a> <a href="/lifestyle/family-pets/2016/05/kids-are-the-worst-instagram/">In pictures: Kids behaving badly</a>

Family & Pets

700 mirrors create reflective pool in historic cathedral

Historic, solemn and stately, St John’s Church in North Lincolnshire is generally well worth a visit in and of itself if you are ever exploring the United Kingdom. But, as you can probably imagine just by scrolling through the spectacular images in the gallery above, there’s never been a better time to visit this site. Liz West, an artist from the UK, has used the 125-year-old cathedral floor to create a spectacular art installation that has visitors to the church enraptured. Over 700 circular mirrors were arranged to fill the space with light and colour, creating an ever-evolving artwork that changes with light and perspective. Speaking of her work, West said, “The work changes constantly, depending on what time of day it is. As darkness comes, the gallery spotlights reflect off the coloured mirrors and send vivid dots of colour up into the interior of the former church building, illuminating the neo-Gothic architecture.” Visitors to St Johns are now encouraged to find their own reflection in the sea of colours, refracting the image and making themselves part of the creative process. To see all the images of the piece, scroll through the gallery above. Isn’t it quite an incredible piece of art? Have you ever been to that corner of the world, and if so, what was your favourite part of the United Kingdom? Share your thoughts in the comments. Image credit: Twitter / LizWest_Art Related links: <a href="/travel/international-travel/2016/06/10-best-rated-tourist-landmarks-in-europe-tripadvisor/">10 best-rated tourist landmarks in Europe revealed</a> <a href="/travel/international-travel/2016/06/10-lesser-known-new-zealand-holiday-spots/">10 lesser-known New Zealand holiday spots</a> <a href="/travel/international-travel/2016/06/tips-for-travelling-in-europe/">5 quick tips for travelling in Europe</a>

International Travel

90-year-old’s beautiful birthday speech reflecting on her life

Rose Osborne, 67, was a registered nurse for 45 years before retiring to become a personal historian, owner and creator of <a href="http://www.writemyjourney.com/" target="_blank">Write My Journey</a>, a life story writing service that turns memories into a beautiful hardcover book. How would you feel if you could communicate with family and future generations and guide them with your wisdom whether you are around or not? The gift of your wisdom and values may be the inspiration they need at a particular moment. This gift is priceless and isn’t out of reach for anyone. A Personal Letter of Life Celebration or an Ethical Will can achieve this level of communication for you. It is suitable for use at all rite-of-passage events such as significant birthdays, anniversaries or read as a eulogy. It can also be included in your estate planning and final Will to be opened when the time is right. May was a special client of Write My Journey and asked for a Personal Letter of Life Celebration to be read at her birthday celebration. She wanted to speak to each and every person and for them to know a little about her personal life moments. After the loss of her husband and the closing down of the family home, she became very reflective. She wanted some messages carried forward in the family that could help the young ones and their children. The letter was to be read by a great granddaughter, and every guest given a copy in a beautiful presentation box as a keepsake. A Personal Letter of Life Celebration is different to a biography or memoirs which document your life journey, events and experiences. A Personal Letter will reflect on your core personal values, feelings and lessons learnt. It can open those challenges that perhaps changed your life and impacted on the family, those moments when you wished you had shared more of your vision and dreams or those lessons hard learnt that could be useful to a young family member. There is no right or wrong way to write such a letter only that it should feel as if you are talking from your heart to the reader’s heart. Write from the ‘I’ perspective and address your family members directly. They will be delighted and happy that you have considered their needs and life journey. An excerpt from May’s Personal Letter of Life Celebration This is my 90th year and I am told, I am going to have a birthday party. I don’t mind. I love seeing the family together and there are so many of you these days. I cannot believe all of these lives come from Pat and me. Pat was the love of my life. He died last year and we had been married 70 years. Not a day went by in all that time, when I did not think how lucky I was riding my bike home with my friend Ruth. Ruth and I were barely 18 years of age and had finished our shift on the railway; we weren’t eager to ride the three miles to our homes too quickly as we were enjoying a lively chat. Whether it was by fate or design I don’t know, but my life changed the moment Pat whistled me and I stopped to check him out. Ruth and I were childhood friends and we were inseparable. We both worked on the Diesel that travelled to Broken Hill serving meals. Regardless of the weather, we met at 5 am on the corner and rode our bikes to the Railway Station. One day on the way home, we met our life partners, two Air Force boys. They were Sydney boys and were in the process of being discharged after the war. The discharge unit was based outside of town at the local airport. The whistle Pat sent through the early evening summer air sounded magical. The boys doubled us home and it was love for both Ruth and I. I married Pat and Ruth married Max. Ruth and I are now widows and we both reside in the same aged care facility in the town we have lived in our whole lives. Friends are very important to me and strangely enough, I am being reunited with many old friends in my aged care home, and am absolutely cherishing their kindness and friendship. I am meeting people second time around and it is feels like a different relationship that has blossomed from an old pot left on the stove but never discarded. Not always through my long life did I have friends close at hand, but that happens when you have eight children. My children are everything to me and I love you all dearly. I devoted my married life to giving you the family values that are so important to me. Pat and I were so very poor after the War but so very rich in many other ways. The family is the heart and soul of everyone and if that is right, then all will be well. The centre of my big family when you were growing up was the kitchen where I cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, as well as all the cakes, jams and pickles that were eaten before they could get cold. The kitchen is a wonderful place to get everyone involved and interacting even if there had been a little spat or two between people. I remember when the Christmas dining extended through two rooms and the laughter and chatting was just marvellous. I always insisted on my family sitting at the table to eat so we could talk and listen to each other. Communication is a gift in a family and if there is just one thing I would like you to promise me, it is that you will always come together and enjoy each other’s company and support – even after I am gone. Support is so important within families. It needs to be unconditional and filled with love and not questions and gossip. Trust comes from within and is associated with understanding and honesty. If you are honest even if things aren’t as they should be, people will respect and support you. If there was one thing I would say to the community, it is to support young mothers. Being a mother is a hard physical job and thankless at times. When I was a young mother, I remember how everyone thought I could cope when I wasn’t feeling that way at all. The isolation and the expectation that all was well were heavy crosses to bear. Mothers need to speak up and tell those close to them how to help, how they are feeling and what is not working well. I am just an ordinary person who has been blessed with such a wonderful family. I love the way you all spoil me and I wish I could have given you more when you were children. I gave you what I could and a stable family home to grow up in. Now it is your turn to provide those things to your children, my grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and let them enrich your life as you have enriched mine. Things are harder for the young ones these days. They have more than we had – more temptations, more challenges, more elusive dreams and confusing realities. Love is a very rich emotion and needs to have its flood gates open to flow and irrigate so the soil stays fertile. “A family is a circle of strength of love and with every new addition; the family circle grows and becomes stronger.” Author Unknown Rose has a special offer for Over60 readers. The first 20 applicants will receive their Personal Letter of Life Celebration to the value of 1000 words for $500 (instead of $800). Please mention Over60 when getting in touch. To find more information about writing a Personal Letter of Life Celebration, visit <a href="http://www.writemyjourney.com" target="_blank">Write My Journey here.</a> Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/06/poem-highlights-the-beauty-of-ageing/">Poem highlights the beauty of ageing</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/10-beautiful-quotes-about-grieving/">10 beautiful quotes about grieving</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-prioritising-yourself/">Why you shouldn’t feel guilty for prioritising yourself</a>

Caring

Barry Du Bois reflects on five year anniversary of cancer battle

Barry Du Bois, the popular design and home rennovation expert on Australian lifestyle show, The Living Room , took to Facebook on March 11 to reflect on the five year anniversary of his courageous cancer battle. Here he shares the incredible lessons he learnt from the life-changing experience. Today is my five year anniversary and I wanted to say thank you. It was around Christmas 2010. One of those perfect summer days. I was down the south coast with my brother and nephew surfing one morning when I went under a right-hander and heard a terrific crack in my neck. Hearing the sound, especially under water, was surreal. I felt my neck freeze right up, pins and needles set in and I thought ‘Ah bugger, that’ll be a trip to the physio’. For the next three months I had an incredible headache I just couldn’t shake. March approached, and I was about to head off overseas, to India on our fifth attempt to have a child through surrogacy. My wife Leonie and I had been through a lot over the previous years, but at that stage we had our sights firmly set on the future. Despite my protests, my physio insisted I have an MRI before I left, to try and pinpoint why my neck was still so stiff and why that headache just wouldn’t go away despite treatment. While I was in India the headache became unbearable, and I was quite literally tearing my hair out. So on the day of my return to Sydney I went straight to get the results of the MRI, thinking I’d try and get in to see the physio straight afterwards to finally get this neck right. I was your typical bloke – I’d never really been one for doctors, pain and injury had always been more inconveniences than anything I worried too much about. I was strong, weighed about 115 kg and there wasn’t much I was scared of in this world. So on that morning of 11 March 2011, I headed into Bondi Junction to pick up the MRI images without much thought about it. After a long wait, I eventually saw a doctor I’d not met before, and she asked what the trouble was. I explained there wasn’t anything really wrong with me: I just had a headache and a stiff neck, my physio was all over it, I simply needed those MRI scans to work out how to free up my neck. Of course the doctor took my assurances with a grain of salt and said she would take a quick look anyway. She pulled an A4 sheet of paper out of an envelope. It seemed an uncomfortable amount of time before she looked up, and even then she looked me in the eye for just a second before staring back at the sheet. In hindsight, I think I was being a bit rude, huffing and puffing about the time she seemed to be taking with all of this. Another pause. She took a deep breath, slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine and leaned in towards me, putting her hand on my knee. She then asked me something I will never forget: ‘Barry, do you have family?’ I forced a laugh – this must be a joke. ‘Sure I have, but what’s that got to do with anything – I just have a stiff neck and a headache?’ ‘Barry’, she continued, ‘It’s not good. I’m afraid it’s a lot worse than a headache: you have a very aggressive tumour at the base of your skull. It’s huge and it has basically eaten the top of your spine.’ I remember every second of every hour of every day for weeks after that moment, in incredible detail. Not just what I did or said, but also the reactions and emotions of those around me. Holding my wife and trying to control her trembling when one specialist advised not to bother with surgery, the tumour was simply too aggressive. Feeling that I was going to let so many people down if I were to go now. It was as if I stepped outside my body that day, and watched everything going on from a distance. It was like a film in slow-motion, and I noticed the detail of absolutely everything. The fabric of the cushion on a chair I was sitting in while telling a friend, the exact time of day things happened … every hug, every conversation with mates and loved ones … It was hard for me to compute what was going on, and it was even harder still to watch people trying to contain themselves and to be brave in front of me, I still get upset when I think about that. A lot has happened since then. Titanium now holds my head on, and radiation and drugs help fight the disease that lives on in my body. My angels, Bennet and Arabella, where born after two more attempts at surrogacy, and raising these beautiful kids with Leonie is now my life’s greatest fulfilment; I am involved in a TV show where, along with three amazing friends, I get to bring fun and know-how to many people every week; to say I am happy is the understatement of the century and my gratitude knows no end. I see things so much more clearly these days. I see what’s important, what really makes a difference during our time on earth. And I hope I get to share that with as many people as possible so that they might experience the love and gratitude I am lucky to experience every day. Many people have given me a lot of love and help over these past five years – especially my family and loved ones. And for this I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart. You can’t control everything in this world but there are things you can do to give yourself the best chance of happiness. Taking care of yourself and others, and always doing the best you can, are important. If you are down in the dumps, or feel you have seen better days, always remember that you are not alone; we all have a story and for most of us this story includes ups and downs, dark times as well as beautiful ones … you are the sum of every day and of all the experiences in your life, and if you invest in the people and things that make you happy it will pay incredible dividends. Every day as I stop to kiss my wife and babies goodbye I take a moment to reflect on just how good my sum is. To get more updates from Barry, visit his <a href="https://www.facebook.com/BarryDuBois/" target="_blank">Facebook page here.</a> Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2015/12/exercises-to-strengthen-your-willpower/">Simple exercises to strengthen your willpower</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/things-you-need-to-know-about-fear/">7 things you need to know about fear</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/mind/2016/01/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty/">How to stop feeling guilty</a>

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Christchurch attack victims' families reflect on tragedy five years on

"I still don't know what I did wrong": Susan Sarandon reflects on breaking royal protocol

Do emoji reflect our emotions, or are we just putting on a brave face?

Kate Bush reflects on hit song revival

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