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The power of positivity: Starting the year with a positive mindset

<p>As we step into the New Year, many of us are hitting the reset button and focusing enthusiastically on achieving our resolutions. By harnessing this welcome surge in positivity, we can begin to direct our attention towards tackling our goals and embracing a shift in mindset, even after the glitter on New Year’s has settled. But how can we achieve this? Jacqui Manning, the resident psychologist at Connected Women, a female-founded organisation dedicated to cultivating friendships in women in their midlife, shares her tips on how to foster a more positive mindset, year-round. </p> <p>“Developing a positive mindset is all about being intentional, and it begins with a good routine. Carving out time within your week for activities that fill your cup and encourage a more optimistic outlook is key to embracing age with positivity,” Jacqui says. </p> <p>“Set realistic expectations – if you have a New Year’s resolution to make more time for yourself, pencilling time in the diary for self-care is going to be essential. Or, if your goal is to build new connections this year, be sure to set time aside at least once a week for networking. Whether it’s joining a local tennis club, attending a community event, or simply striking up a conversation at your local café, enriching your social circle can bring new perspectives, enhance feelings of optimism, and boost overall well-being,” Jacqui explains. </p> <p><strong>Don’t skimp on self-care!</strong></p> <p>Self-care involves dedicating the time to engage in activities that help to enhance overall well-being. As we age, it becomes increasingly important to develop an adequate self-care routine to support both our mental and physical health.   </p> <p>“Remember that taking time for yourself is essential. Small indulgences such as enjoying a quiet evening at home, book in hand, or heading outside for a leisurely evening stroll can quiet the mind and recharge your emotional batteries.”</p> <p>“As the year progresses, our self-care practices can tend to fall by the wayside. It’s essential to invest in ourselves, which includes prioritising sleep, regular exercise, remaining engaged in hobbies or preferred activities, and maintaining social connections,” Jacqui says. </p> <p>“Dedicating time for yourself helps to create the space necessary to support mental recharge. Goal setting, implementing boundaries to avoid overwhelm, or integrating wellness practices like meditation or mindfulness exercises act as stress-relievers and boost energy levels,” Jacqui explains. </p> <p><strong>Cultivating your crew</strong></p> <p>Research suggests that our social circle holds a meaningful influence over our mood and disposition. Friends have been found to act as a buffer against ageing, positively supporting both our health and overall cognitive function. </p> <p>“The first step to finding friendship is assessing – how supported do you feel within your relationships? Remember, friends exert significant influence over our feelings and behaviours, so finding a tribe that fulfils your emotional needs is essential,” Jacqui explains. </p> <p>“Nurturing successful relationships begins with finding individuals with shared values and interests. Actively engaging in open conversation is a magnet for developing authentic and emotionally fulfilling connections with others.” </p> <p>“Be open-minded – discussing topics like hobbies, future goals, anxieties, and challenges can encourage openness and conceive opportunities to offer support to one another. Openness also lays the foundations for more meaningful friendships to blossom,” Jacqui says. </p> <p>Friendships in adulthood are well worth the investment, and curating your immediate network could be the masterstroke in ageing with positivity (and boosts overall health and cognitive function to boot!). </p> <p>If forming new bonds heads up your list of New Year's resolutions, then joining a vibrant community group like Connected Women could be the ideal place to start. </p> <p><strong>Practice positive self-talk</strong></p> <p>Take a few minutes each day to reflect on the aspects of life that you’re grateful for – whether that be your health, family, friendships, or a stellar career. By focusing on the positive, it encourages a mental shift away from the negative and toward a more optimistic outlook on life (and age for that matter!). </p> <p>“Practicing techniques such as meditation, gentle movement, and journaling regularly can help to cultivate a more relaxed mind, boost serotonin levels in the brain, and decrease feelings of anxiety or depression,” Jacqui says. </p> <p>Jacqui suggests another technique for fostering a mental shift is to incorporate regular gratitude practices.</p> <p>“Reflecting on and recording the things you’re thankful for can be a valuable outlet. Expressing gratitude regularly serves as a reminder of the positive aspects in your current life and can be a useful tool on low days,” Jacqui says. </p> <p>By incorporating these tips, not only will you be working to foster a more optimistic mindset year-round, but you’ll also be laying the groundwork to build and nurture more meaningful relationships with others. </p> <p><em><strong>For more information visit <a href="https://www.connectedwomen.net" target="_blank" rel="noopener">connectedwomen.net</a> </strong></em></p> <p><em><strong>About Connected Women </strong></em></p> <p><em><strong>Jacqui Manning is the resident psychologist at Connected Women, bringing with her over two decades of experience. Founded in 2022, Connected Women facilitates friendships for women over 50 through a range of online and in-person events. With the rising epidemic of loneliness impacting Australians now more than ever - Connected Women aims to provide a community in which women can feel free to be themselves, connect with like-minded women and build life-long friendships. Launched in Perth, Western Australia, Connected Women now also operates in NSW and Victoria, with plans to grow its network to QLD, ACT and SA in the coming year. With a small monthly membership fee, women can join Connected Women events, share and connect over areas of interest, and connect with women in their local areas to arrange meet ups. Whether members prefer big events with lots of action and adventure, or quiet meet ups and walks around the local neighbourhood, Connected Women is committed to providing a safe and inclusive space for women to find their feet and build new friendships in a space that feels most comfortable to them. </strong></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Mind

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Have you found ‘the one’? How mindsets about destiny affect our romantic relationships

<p>If you listen to any number of love songs, dating “experts”, or plunge head first into a romance novel, you’re likely to think it’s in our destiny to find that special someone – your soul-mate.</p> <p>But how do you know if you’ve found “the one”? Will the birds sing? Will you see fireworks or a shooting star?</p> <p>And for those who are yet to find “the one”, should you keep searching, or is it a misguided quest?</p> <p>Research into the science of relationships spanning the last two decades shows maintaining a “<a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0701_3">destiny</a>” mindset – that we are all <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0701_3">meant to find that ideal person</a> who completes us in every way – can be problematic for our love lives.</p> <p>Destiny mindsets affect how we <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-38975-006">evaluate romantic partners</a>, as well as how we maintain <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1475-6811.09401">lasting relationships</a>.</p> <p>For some, this mindset can even include a mental picture as to what that person should look like.</p> <h2>What are the costs of a mindset?</h2> <p>A destiny mindset may make a person less open to developing a relationship with someone who possesses many excellent qualities, but does not match an individual’s mental picture of “the one”.</p> <p>A person who holds a destiny mindset may be more likely to focus on the potential faults or inadequacies of another, for example, rather than centre on their good qualities.</p> <p>On the other hand, a person may not pursue a potential love interest in the hope that something better comes along that matches their vision of destiny. By maintaining a destiny mindset, they may reject real <a href="https://scholarship.richmond.edu/honors-theses/487/">opportunities at finding love</a>.</p> <p>For those in an existing relationship, maintaining a destiny mindset can be associated with relationship satisfaction, if the current relationship closely (if not perfectly) matches one’s idea.</p> <p>But if the relationship is not in line with one’s vision of destiny, or if the relationship is evaluated as no longer matching one’s destiny, <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167201277004">dissatisfaction can ensue</a>.</p> <p>Research suggests people who hold a destiny mindset don’t work as hard at their <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-32735-009">relationships</a> because they have a very fixed view of their partner and relationship. They tend to accept things the way they are – <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-04109-008">either a relationship is meant to be or it is not</a> – rather than putting in time and effort to make relationships things work and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-32735-009">deal with relationship problems</a>.</p> <h2>Is there a better alternative?</h2> <p>In contrast to a destiny mindset, some people hold a “growth relationship” mindset. This includes beliefs and expectations that a partner and relationship has the capacity to develop and change over time, and that <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0701_3">problems or challenges can be overcome</a>.</p> <p>Research to date suggests a growth mindset is associated with more effective ways of coping with relationship challenges and using more <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-32735-009">problem-solving to deal with relationship difficulties</a>.</p> <p>People with a growth mindset experience various positives such as greater <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1997-38975-006">relationship</a> and <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2016-52940-001.html">sexual satisfaction</a> and have a better, more constructive way of handling <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-32735-009">conflict</a>. A growth mindset has also been found to reduce the risk of <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1475-6811.09401">a relationship ending</a>.</p> <h2>Can you have both?</h2> <p>Some people recount meeting their partner and knowing they were “the one”. But when describing how their relationship has progressed over time, it’s clear they put time and effort into it and work on problems when they arise.</p> <p>These people may hold beliefs about destiny, but overall, hold more of a growth mindset about their relationship.</p> <p>These couples often acknowledge their partner and relationship has changed, for example, and often note that they’ve helped each other develop and grow over time.</p> <p>So if you work hard at your relationship, and you and your partner help one another develop and grow, you may get to know each other so well that you feel as if you share one soul. Maybe that’s what is meant by a true soul-mate.</p> <p><em>Image credit: Shutterstock</em></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/have-you-found-the-one-how-mindsets-about-destiny-affect-our-romantic-relationships-117177" target="_blank" rel="noopener">This article originally appeared on Reader's Digest.</a></em></p>

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3 mindset hacks to reinvigorate your exercise mojo

<p>So, you’ve lost your exercise mojo and you want to get it back? Well, you’re not alone. The Department of Health and Aged Care recently reported that 1 in 2 adults are not meeting the recommended physical activity guidelines for maintaining good health. In case you’re wondering, that’s 2.5 hours of moderate intensity exercise a week. </p> <p>Whilst getting back into a pattern of regular exercise can be challenging, it can be done! In my experience as a psychologist and exercise scientist, I’ve found there are three things that can help …</p> <p><strong>Hack #1: Stop calling it exercise!</strong></p> <p>Exercise is one of those words that comes with a lot of baggage. It’s a word that means different things to different people. For some it means physical discomfort because if there’s no pain, there’s no gain. For others it means drudgery because running on a treadmill is so boring. For others it means embarrassment because everybody else seems more athletic or coordinated.  </p> <p>Strictly speaking, exercise is any structured, planned physical activity that seeks to promote health and fitness. So, there’s nothing objectively wrong with the word! But it tends to get tarnished in our minds, so much so that when we hear the word…our hearts don’t soar, they tend to plummet.</p> <p>Of course, not everyone’s like that. But if it’s true for you, just stop using the word!</p> <p>Try using ‘physical activity’ instead. Why? Because it’s more inclusive – it covers all the things normally considered part of a ‘keep fit’ regime (e.g., swimming, running, gym workouts), PLUS all the things that aren’t…the physical activity that happens as part of daily living (e.g., yard work, using the stairs rather than the lift, carrying bags of groceries).    </p> <p>To hammer home the point, I’ll only use ‘physical activity’ for the rest of this article.</p> <p><strong>Hack #2: Make enjoyment your priority</strong></p> <p>In my experience, too many people give time to physical pursuits they have no real passion for or interest in. They go to the gym because that’s what their friends do. Or they take up swimming because their doctor suggested it.</p> <p>But if you talk to people who really love their chosen physical pursuit, you’ll find lots of mojo! I know because I’ve recently interviewed over two dozen people about the passion and enjoyment they get from pursuits as diverse as fencing, dragonboat racing, judo, surfing, kayaking, and ultimate (frisbee).</p> <p>A common theme was they all regularly found time for their beloved pursuits. That’s not because they have simple, quiet lives. Far from it! They’re as busy as the rest of us. But what they seem to do is shuffle their lives in a way that allows them the time they need. They love what they do, and they make it happen! No struggle for motivation, just lots and lots of mojo.</p> <p>So, make enjoyment your priority. Look around you and if the ‘standard’ options (like tennis, golf, soccer or netball) don’t really appeal, dig a little deeper. Our communities are jam packed with interesting physical pursuit options…you might just need to try a few.       </p> <p><strong>Hack #3: Be social about it</strong></p> <p>Another big theme from these interviews was how important other people were to enjoying a physical pursuit. And that’s not just with team sports. The people involved in individual physical pursuits – like ocean swimming, cross-country running and ice skating – all spoke a lot about how much they valued the camaraderie and support they got from the people they swam, ran or skated with.</p> <p>People with whom they share interests and a similar outlook on life. People who are encouraging, supportive and fun, who celebrate during the highs and commiserate during the lows. People who become cherished friends and can come to feel like an extension of family.</p> <p>This is an important part of a physical activity ecosystem. The more we can gather a network of positive people around us, the more we’re likely to sustain our effort over time, and the more likely we are to reinvigorate our mojo!  </p> <p>So, there are three hacks – stop calling it exercise, make enjoyment your priority, and be social about it. Like anything that’s worth having, it might take a while to develop. But stick with it, we are natural active creatures and physical activity loves us back in a multitude of different ways!</p> <p><em><span lang="EN-US">Dr Gordon Spence, author of Get Moving. Keep Moving, is a highly sought-after speaker, coach, educator and author who helps clients to live well and perform well. A psychologist and exercise scientist, Gordon’s areas of expertise are sustainable performance and healthy ageing, with a particular interest in people returning to exercise in mid-life. For more information visit </span><a href="http://www.healthyageingproject.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><span lang="EN-US">www.healthyageingproject.com</span></a></em></p> <p><em>Image: Getty Images</em></p>

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How a ‘growth mindset’ helps us learn

<p>One of the most influential phenomena in education over the last two decades has been that of the “<a href="https://www.theguardian.com/teacher-network/2018/jan/04/research-every-teacher-should-know-growth-mindset">growth mindset</a>”. This refers to the beliefs a student has about various capacities such as their intelligence, their ability in areas such as maths, their personality and creative ability.</p> <p>Proponents of the growth mindset believe these capacities can be developed or “grown” through learning and effort. The alternative perspective is the “fixed mindset”. This assumes these capacities are fixed and unable to be changed.</p> <p>The theory of the growth versus fixed mindset was <a href="http://155.0.32.9:8080/jspui/bitstream/123456789/55/1/Mindset_%20The%20New%20Psychology%20of%20Success.pdf">first proposed</a> in 1998 by American psychologist Carol Dweck and paediatric surgeon Claudia Mueller. It <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9686450">grew out of studies</a> they led, in which primary school children were engaged in a task, and then praised either for their existing capacities, such as intelligence, or the effort they invested in the task.</p> <p>Researchers monitored how the students felt, thought and behaved in subsequent more difficult tasks.</p> <p>The students who were praised for their effort were more likely to persist with finding a solution to the task. They were also more likely to seek feedback about how to improve. Those praised for their intelligence were less likely to persist with the more difficult tasks and to seek feedback on how their peers did on the task.</p> <p>These findings led to the inference that a fixed mindset was less conducive to learning than a growth mindset. This notion has a lot of support in cognitive and behavioural science.</p> <p><strong>What’s the evidence?</strong></p> <p>Psychologists <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Peter_Gollwitzer2/publication/312340264_Mindset_Theory/links/59e77e3baca272e940e0b309/Mindset-Theory.pdf">have been researching</a> the notion of a mindset – a set of assumptions or methods people have, and how these influence motivations or behaviour – for over a century.</p> <p>The growth mindset has its roots in Stanford University psychologist Alan Bandura’s 1970s social learning theory of a <a href="https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Self-efficacy%3A-toward-a-unifying-theory-of-change.-Bandura/953070a862df2824b46e7b1057e97badfb31b8c2">positive self-efficacy</a>. This is a person’s belief in their ability to succeed in specific situations or to accomplish a task.</p> <p>The growth mindset is also a re-branding of the 1980-90s study of <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-0663.80.3.260">achievement orientation</a>. Here, people can adopt either a “mastery orientation” (with the goal of learning more) or a “performance orientation” (with the goal of showing what they know) to achieve an outcome.</p> <p>The idea of the growth mindset is consistent with theories of <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2896818/">brain plasiticity</a> (the brain’s ability to change due to experience) and <a href="https://scottbarrykaufman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Basten-et-al.-2013.pdf">task-positive and task-negative</a> brain network activity (brain networks that are activated during goal-orientated tasks).</p> <p>The growth versus fixed mindset theory is supported by evidence too – both for its predictions of outcomes and its impact in interventions. Studies show students’ <a href="http://www.growthmindsetmaths.com/uploads/2/3/7/7/23776169/mindset_and_math_science_achievement_-_nov_2013.pdf">mindsets influence</a> their maths and science outcomes, their <a href="https://eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ1111638">academic ability</a> and their <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1348/978185409X402580?casa_token=h8ioC3A2hkAAAAA%3Ac9rJPcLSWmi4NX8_U5wKBn1BKVsc4MQqbid4cQk1CMD4dEaPXC_5L1vKI2QHsn7NbUbbhwO1-8vFYlkb-Q">ability to cope</a> with exams.</p> <p>People with growth mindsets <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735820300040">are more likely to cope emotionally</a>, while those who don’t view themselves as having the ability to learn and grow are more prone to psychological distress.</p> <p>But the theory has not received universal support. A <a href="http://bahniks.com/files/mindset.pdf">2016 study showed</a> academic achievements of university students were not associated with their growth mindset. This could, in part be due to the way it is understood.</p> <p>People can show different mindsets at different times – a growth or fixed – towards a specific subject or task. <a href="https://hbr.org/2016/01/what-having-a-growth-mindset-actually-means">According to Dweck</a></p> <blockquote> <p>Everyone is actually a mixture of fixed and growth mindsets, and that mixture continually evolves with experience.</p> </blockquote> <p>This suggests the fixed and growth mindsets distinction <a href="https://hbr.org/2016/01/what-having-a-growth-mindset-actually-means">lies on on a continuum</a>. It also suggests the mindset a person adopts at any one time is dynamic and depends on the context.</p> <p><strong>What about teaching a growth mindset?</strong></p> <p>The theory has been evaluated in a range of teaching programs. A <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/323565554_To_What_Extent_and_Under_Which_Circumstances_Are_Growth_Mind-Sets_Important_to_Academic_Achievement_Two_Meta-Analyses">2018 analysis</a> reviewed a number of studies that explored whether interventions that enhanced students’ growth mindsets affected their academic achievements. It found teaching a growth mindset had minimal influence on student outcomes.</p> <p>But in some cases, teaching a growth mindset was effective for students from low socioeconomic backgrounds or those academically at risk.</p> <p>A <a href="https://osf.io/preprints/socarxiv/tsdwy">2017 study</a> found teaching a growth mindset had no effect on student outcomes. In fact, the study found students with a fixed mindset showed higher outcomes. Given the complexity of human understanding and learning processes, the negative findings are not surprising. Dweck and colleagues <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41586-019-1466-y?fbclid=IwAR3eSTiOiVc3v8LARTfGwxTzlSDz4AiAFpLK-jK4VcJr57wI0eO8zyvwkEc">have noted that a school’s context</a> and culture can be responsible for whether the gains made from a growth mindset intervention are sustained.</p> <p>Studies show the <a href="https://www.scirp.org/html/8-6902186_77784.htm#ref37">mindsets of both teachers and parents</a> influence students’ outcomes too. Secondary science students whose teachers had a growth mindset <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1045824.pdf">showed higher outcomes</a> than those whose teachers who had a fixed mindset.</p> <p>And a 2010 study showed the <a href="https://rd.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11218-010-9126-y">perceptions primary students</a> had of their potential for improvement were associated with what their teachers’ thought of the children’s academic ability. In another study, children whose parents were <a href="https://www.pnas.org/content/113/43/12111.short">taught to have a growth mindset</a> about their children’s literacy skills, and to act accordingly, had improved outcomes.</p> <p><strong>It exists on a spectrum</strong></p> <p>Mindset theory seems to conflate two separate phenomena, both of which need to be considered in teaching: a person’s actual capacity such as intelligence, and how they think about it.</p> <p>Students should be aware of what they know at any time and value it. They also need to know this may be insufficient, that it can be extended and how to do that. Educators and parents need to ensure their dialogue with their children does not imply the capacity is fixed. The focus of the talk should be on: what you will know more about in five minutes?</p> <p>When I teach, in both schools and university, I encourage students at the end of a teaching session to identify what they know now that they didn’t know earlier. I ask them to explain how their knowledge has changed and the questions they can answer now.</p> <p>In the early stages of a teaching session, I encourage them to infer questions they might expect to be able to answer having learnt the content. These types of activities encourage students to see their knowledge as dynamic and able to be enhanced.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important; text-shadow: none !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/127710/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><span><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/john-munro-13237"><em>John Munro</em></a><em>, Professor, Faculty of Education and Arts, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/australian-catholic-university-747">Australian Catholic University</a></em></span></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="http://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/you-can-do-it-a-growth-mindset-helps-us-learn-127710">original article</a>.</em></p>

Mind

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8 ways to test your stress mindset

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>You’ve got a hugely pressured day ahead of you, with errands you’ve absolutely got to run along with getting ready for your partner’s upcoming birthday party. All of this has to happen on top of the actual work you need to do at your job. Before leaving the house, you decide to check your email in case your boss has tried to get a hold of you. As you start to log in, the Internet goes down. This is going to delay you by at least half an hour while you try to figure out the cause of the snafu.</p> <p>In the midst of this turmoil, you might ask yourself how you’re feeling. Is it possible that you actually <em>enjoy</em> all of this stress? Might you really thrive on pressure? It’s automatically assumed that the kind of hassles involved in these daily pressures and mishaps are harmful and cause wear and tear on your mind and body. However, for some people, stress is the fuel that keeps them going, and without it, they are miserable.</p> <p>The concept of a “stress mindset” helps to explain these alternative ways of approaching life’s pressures. Tel Aviv University’s Nili Ben-Avi and colleagues (2018) recently investigated the stress mindset, which they define as “the extent to which individuals hold the mindset that stress has enhancing versus debilitating consequences." Since it’s impossible to avoid stress, it would seem more adaptive to take the stress-as-enhancing mindset, unless of course your life is extremely boring and uneventful. It seems safe to assume that most people are in fact under more rather than less pressure, and therefore the stress-as-enhancing mindset would seem to be the better approach if your goal is to be able to overcome the left curves that life can send your way.</p> <p>The Israeli researchers took the unique approach of asking people not to rate their own stress mindset and then observe their levels of negative outcomes, but to use ratings of stress mindset as predictors of outcomes among other individuals. The idea behind the study was that your stress mindset will affect how much strain and unhappiness someone else is experiencing. Consider, for example, whether you think stress is debilitating. You would then think your partner shares your views about stress and would, therefore, be as unhappy as you would be under that same stress level.</p> <p>To measure your own stress mindset, rate yourself from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree) on the following eight stress mindset items:</p> <ol> <li>The effects of stress are negative and should be avoided.</li> <li>Experiencing stress facilitates my learning and growth.</li> <li>Experiencing stress depletes my <span>health </span>and vitality.</li> <li>Experiencing stress enhances my performance and productivity.</li> <li>Experiencing stress inhibits my learning and growth.</li> <li>Experiencing stress improves my health and vitality.</li> <li>Experiencing stress debilitates my performance and productivity.</li> <li>The effects of stress are positive and should be utilized.</li> </ol> <ul> <li><em>A stress-enhancing mindset is indicated by your agreement with items 2, 4, 6, and 8.</em></li> <li><em>If you agree with items 1,3,5, and 7, you hold a stress-debilitating mindset.</em></li> </ul> <p>The average participant in the Ben-Avi et al. study received an average at about the middle of the 7-item scale (3.22 per item), and most people scored just between about 2 and 4. If you have a stress-enhancing mindset, you should, therefore, score at 4 or above per item on the even-numbered items, and 2 or below on the odd-numbered items.  </p> <p>Participants also rated their levels of optimism and their mood. To measure optimism, the Tel Aviv University researchers used a standard optimism scale containing the following items:</p> <ol> <li>In uncertain times, I usually expect the best.</li> <li>I'm always optimistic<strong> </strong>about my future.</li> <li>Overall, I expect more good things to happen to me than bad.</li> </ol> <p>The mood scale simply asked participants to rate their levels of happiness on a straightforward 9-point rating scale.</p> <p>Turning now to the outcome of having a stress-enhancing mindset, the findings clearly support the idea that your life will be better if you can put a positive spin on having a life that’s full of pressure. Although mood wasn’t related to stress mindset, optimism levels did show a positive correlation, with people who have more of a “can-do” spirit enjoying a life full of constant demands.</p> <p>As it turns out, your stress mindset levels also predict the way you judge other people. The Israeli team asked participants to judge the levels of stress experienced by a male employee (“Ben”) described in a scenario as experiencing a great deal of work-related stress, such as being in a managerial position, working long hours, and having to multi-task. Participants did perceive this male employee as being highly stressed, but people who held a stress-as-enhancing mindset saw him as having a lower workload than did people who believed that stress is debilitating. Furthermore, the more participants believed that stress is enhancing, the lower they rated Ben on the burnout scale.</p> <p>Thus, having a stress-as-enhancing mindset affects the amount of stress you perceive other people to have. If you think stress is enhancing, you will project this attitude onto the way you perceive other people. These findings suggest that, unfortunately, if you and your partner have a stress-mindset mismatch, you’ll be less understanding toward your partner.</p> <p>Turning then to the ways that you can use stress to your advantage, look again at those 8 items on the stress mindset scale. If you’ve scored on the “agree” side of those odd-numbered items, maybe it’s time to see where your ideas about stress come from in the first place. Ben-Avi and her collaborators note that the mass media tends to emphasise the harmful and debilitative effects of stress over and beyond any of its benefits. It is true that unabated chronic stress has a negative impact on health and can even shorten your life; however, because stress is also a subjective state, if you could somehow be convinced to turn around your views of stress, you might not be quite so damaged by its presence in your life. People can, the Israeli researchers note, be helped to change their mindset, and in turn, their health and work performance can benefit.</p> <p>To sum up, assuming that all stress is bad can create its own self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, see stress as the product of your own perceptions, and you may well be on your way to a more positive outlook on life.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <span><a href="https://www.wyza.com.au/articles/health/wellbeing/8-ways-to-test-your-stress-mindset.aspx">Wyza.com.au</a></span>. </em></p>

Mind

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Mind games: How to silence your inner critic

<p>We all have an ‘inner critic’ who second-guesses our choices, and lobs insults about our perceived shortcomings.<br /><br />The good news is the more we recognise this internal enemy, the easier it will be to shut him or her up, so we can be our best selves.<br /><br />To become more aware of your negative thoughts or critical inner voice, follow these steps.</p> <div id="section"></div> <div class="view view-article-slider view-id-article_slider view-display-id-article_slider_block view-dom-id-5df8456ff79250452678b5618a27cad2"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Pay attention next time a bad mood hits</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Ask yourself what you were thinking about yourself at the time your mood shifted. </p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Recognise situations that set off your negative thinking</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Such as a phone call from your dad or a friend sharing good news.</p> <p>Become aware that you have turned against yourself.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Notice the occasions when your mind takes over</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Pay attention to when you are thinking people don’t like you and examine the thoughts you imagine they’re having about you.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Be alert to any cynical thoughts towards other people</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>They may be valuable clues as to how you attack yourself.</p> <p>Once you become aware of these specific thoughts, consider what prompted them in the first place.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Think about what or whom these voices sound like</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>To understand where your negative thoughts come from.</p> <p>People tend to find important connections between their voice and someone significant from their past.</p> <p>Once you have done this, you can begin to identify where your voice started and separate it from your own point of view.</p> <p>The next step is to change your thoughts with the following actions.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Challenge your critical inner voice</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>The most important step to silencing it is to respond to it from a realistic and compassionate perspective. Say aloud or write down a more congenial, honest response to each of your put downs. </p> <p>Use 'I' statements.</p> <p>“I am a worthy person with many good qualities and have a lot to offer."</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Connect your voice to your actions</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Your critical inner voice has plenty of bad advice.</p> <p>"Don't say anything. No-one wants to ear what you have to say."</p> <p>As you learn to recognise your critical inner voice, you can start to catch on when it's starting to influence your behaviour. </p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Change your behaviour</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Once you see how the critical inner voice influences your behaviour, start to consciously act against it.</p> <p>The process of ‘not listening’ to your inner critic and strengthening your own point of view can be uplifting, but it can also cause anxiety.</p> <p>The more you oppose the voice, the weaker it will become.</p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div class="views-field views-field-field-slides"> <div class="field-content"> <div class="field-collection-view clearfix view-mode-full field-collection-view-final"> <div class="entity entity-field-collection-item field-collection-item-field-slides clearfix"> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-title field-type-text field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"><strong>Reflect on your negative thoughts</strong></div> </div> </div> <div class="field field-name-field-slide-content field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item even"> <p>Determine if there is any truth to them. It's important to recognise that even though there may be a kernel of truth to them.</p> <p>It's important to recognise that even though there may be a kernel of truth in a specific critical voice , nothing can be gained by attacking yourself.</p> <p>This not only fails to change a behaviour you may dislike in yourself, it also makes you feel bad, which increases the likelihood that the behaviour will recur.</p> <p>The best strategy is to take an objective and compassionate look at any negative behaviour or traits you have and work at changing them.</p> <p>To a large extent, you have the power to re-create yourself to become a person you like and admire. </p> <p>There is always anxiety as people grow, but it is worthwhile to struggle through it to come out the other end.</p> <p><em>Written by <span>Dr Robert W. Firestone</span>. This article first appeared in </em><span><em><a href="http://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/conditions/mental-health/mind-games-how-silence-your-inner-critic">Reader’s Digest</a></em></span><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><span><em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN87V">here’s our best subscription offer.</a></em></span></p> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

Mind

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8 ways to test your stress mindset

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>You’ve got a hugely pressured day ahead of you, with errands you’ve absolutely got to run along with getting ready for your partner’s upcoming birthday party. All of this has to happen on top of the actual work you need to do at your job. Before leaving the house, you decide to check your email in case your boss has tried to get a hold of you. As you start to log in, the Internet goes down. This is going to delay you by at least half an hour while you try to figure out the cause of the snafu.</p> <p>In the midst of this turmoil, you might ask yourself how you’re feeling. Is it possible that you actually <em>enjoy</em> all of this <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/stress">stress</a></strong></span>? Might you really thrive on pressure? It’s automatically assumed that the kind of hassles involved in these daily pressures and mishaps are harmful and cause wear and tear on your mind and body. However, for some people, stress is the fuel that keeps them going, and without it, they are miserable.</p> <p>The concept of a “stress mindset” helps to explain these alternative ways of approaching life’s pressures. Tel Aviv University’s Nili Ben-Avi and colleagues (2018) recently investigated the stress mindset, which they define as “the extent to which individuals hold the mindset that stress has enhancing versus debilitating consequences." Since it’s impossible to avoid stress, it would seem more adaptive to take the stress-as-enhancing mindset, unless of course your life is extremely boring and uneventful. It seems safe to assume that most people are in fact under more rather than less pressure, and therefore the stress-as-enhancing mindset would seem to be the better approach if your goal is to be able to overcome the left curves that life can send your way.</p> <p>The Israeli researchers took the unique approach of asking people not to rate their own stress mindset and then observe their levels of negative outcomes, but to use ratings of stress mindset as predictors of outcomes among other individuals. The idea behind the study was that your stress mindset will affect how much strain and unhappiness someone else is experiencing. Consider, for example, whether you think stress is debilitating. You would then think your partner shares your views about stress and would, therefore, be as unhappy as you would be under that same stress level.</p> <p>To measure your own stress mindset, rate yourself from 1 (strongly disagree) to 7 (strongly agree) on the following eight stress mindset items:</p> <ol> <li>The effects of stress are negative and should be avoided.</li> <li>Experiencing stress facilitates my learning and growth.</li> <li>Experiencing stress depletes my <span><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a rel="noopener" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/health" target="_blank">health</a></strong></span> </span>and vitality.</li> <li>Experiencing stress enhances my performance and <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/productivity">productivity</a></strong></span>.</li> <li>Experiencing stress inhibits my learning and growth.</li> <li>Experiencing stress improves my health and vitality.</li> <li>Experiencing stress debilitates my performance and productivity.</li> <li>The effects of stress are positive and should be utilized.</li> </ol> <ul> <li><em>A stress-enhancing mindset is indicated by your agreement with items 2, 4, 6, and 8.</em></li> <li><em>If you agree with items 1,3,5, and 7, you hold a stress-debilitating mindset.</em></li> </ul> <p>The average participant in the Ben-Avi et al. study received an average at about the middle of the 7-item scale (3.22 per item), and most people scored just between about 2 and 4. If you have a stress-enhancing mindset, you should, therefore, score at 4 or above per item on the even-numbered items, and 2 or below on the odd-numbered items.  </p> <p>Participants also rated their levels of <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/therapy-types/positive-psychology">optimism</a></span></strong> and their mood. To measure optimism, the Tel Aviv University researchers used a standard optimism scale containing the following items:</p> <ol> <li>In uncertain times, I usually expect the best.</li> <li>I'm always <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/optimism">optimistic</a></strong></span><strong> </strong>about my future.</li> <li>Overall, I expect more good things to happen to me than bad.</li> </ol> <p>The mood scale simply asked participants to rate their levels of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/happiness">happiness</a></strong></span> on a straightforward 9-point rating scale.</p> <p>Turning now to the outcome of having a stress-enhancing mindset, the findings clearly support the idea that your life will be better if you can put a positive spin on having a life that’s full of pressure. Although mood wasn’t related to stress mindset, optimism levels did show a positive correlation, with people who have more of a “can-do” spirit enjoying a life full of constant demands.</p> <p>As it turns out, your stress mindset levels also predict the way you judge other people. The Israeli <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a></span></strong> asked participants to judge the levels of stress experienced by a male employee (“Ben”) described in a scenario as experiencing a great deal of work-related stress, such as being in a managerial position, working long hours, and having to multi-task. Participants did perceive this male employee as being highly stressed, but people who held a stress-as-enhancing mindset saw him as having a lower workload than did people who believed that stress is debilitating. Furthermore, the more participants believed that stress is enhancing, the lower they rated Ben on the <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/burnout">burnout</a></span></strong> scale.</p> <p>Thus, having a stress-as-enhancing mindset affects the amount of stress you perceive other people to have. If you think stress is enhancing, you will project this attitude onto the way you perceive other people. These findings suggest that, unfortunately, if you and your partner have a stress-mindset mismatch, you’ll be less <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/empathy">understanding</a></span></strong> toward your partner.</p> <p>Turning then to the ways that you can use stress to your advantage, look again at those 8 items on the stress mindset scale. If you’ve scored on the “agree” side of those odd-numbered items, maybe it’s time to see where your ideas about stress come from in the first place. Ben-Avi and her collaborators note that the mass media tends to emphasize the harmful and debilitative effects of stress over and beyond any of its benefits. It is true that unabated chronic stress has a negative impact on health and can even shorten your life; however, because stress is also a subjective state, if you could somehow be convinced to turn around your views of stress, you might not be quite so damaged by its presence in your life. People can, the Israeli researchers note, be helped to change their mindset, and in turn, their health and work performance can benefit.</p> <p>To sum up, assuming that all stress is bad can create its own self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, see stress as the product of your own perceptions, and you may well be on your way to a more positive outlook on life.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a rel="noopener" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Psychology Today</strong></span></a>. </em></p>

Relationships

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Changing your mindset could be the key to changing your life

<p><em><strong>Sophie Scott is the national medical reporter for the ABC, in addition to being a prominent public speaker. Sophie has won numerous awards for excellence in journalism and is the author of two books, Live a Longer Life and Roadtesting Happiness.</strong></em></p> <p><em>"Better is possible. It does not take genius. It takes diligence. It takes moral clarity. It takes ingenuity. And above all, it takes a willingness to try." – Atul Gawande</em>, Better: A Surgeon's notes on Performance.</p> <p>At the start of this year, did you do what many of us did (myself included)?We make great plans and set out an impressive agenda for the year, with key goals, important achievements and projects to undertake.</p> <p>There's a sense of optimism and renewal that comes at the start of each year. "This year I'm going to [fill in the blanks]."</p> <p>But are you like me — that so often the busyness of life interferes with your plans and hopes for a happier, healthier life? We get into a rut and run on auto-pilot.</p> <p>I spoke about this recently to a lovely group of people. One woman who came up to me after my talk said it summed up her life completely. "I have so many important goals but I feel stuck by the day-to-day responsibilities that over-run my plans," she said.</p> <p>But what if changing your mindset was the key to changing your life? And the key to transformation could be accepting that, yes, you can be busy but you can also make important steps towards reaching your goals and dreams.</p> <p>Dr Alia Crum, a psychologist from Stanford University, believes our mindset has a dramatic impact on our health and can even play a part in determining our wellbeing. And she has the scientific data to prove it.</p> <p>In a <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17666008" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">study</span></strong></a> by Fabrizio Benedetti, a professor of physiology and neuroscience at the University of Turin, patients were either openly given medication by a doctor or given medication through an intravenous line.</p> <p>What they found in the patient's response to treatment was remarkable and consistent, Dr Crum said. "When patients were aware of the treatment and expected to receive a benefit, the treatment was highly effective," she said.</p> <p>In fact, patients with anxiety reported a 25 per cent improvement, while those with Parkinson's disease and high blood pressure achieved 15 per cent improvement.</p> <p>Dr Crum set up her own fascinating study to test the power of mindset, or, "the lens or the view in which we see the world," as she calls it.</p> <p>She tracked a group of female hotel housekeepers, all of whom were highly active and spent most of their time at work on their feet. "We asked them: 'Do you exercise regularly?' And two thirds said 'no'," Dr Crum said.</p> <p>She wanted to see what would happen if she could change their mindset to help them recognise they were active. "We took measurements like weight, body fat and how satisfied they were with their jobs, then split them into two groups," Dr Crum said.</p> <p>Half were given a presentation about how their work was good exercise and detailing how many calories they were burning.</p> <p>When they retook their measurements four weeks later, the women who didn't receive the presentation hadn't changed in weight or body fat. But the women who had received the information dropped weight, reduced blood pressure, and dropped body fat.</p> <p>"It was fascinating, that just as a result of a simple 15-minute presentation, the whole game changed, producing a cascade of effects on their health and wellbeing," Dr Crum said.</p> <p><strong>It's all in the mind, researchers find</strong></p> <p>A further study reinforced this effect. University students were told they were drinking either a luxury, decadent milkshake or a fat-free diet milk shake.</p> <p>In the students who thought they were drinking a decadent shake, the hormone that tells the brain you feel full increased significantly. But for the students who were given the fat-free, diet version, their hunger satisfaction hormone increased just slightly.</p> <p>But as you may have guessed, all the participants were given the same drink. The first group believed they were getting a filling, luxury drink and felt fuller, while the diet shake group thought theirs was a slimmer drink, so they felt less full.</p> <p>In other words, it was their mindset, not the reality and facts, which was key to how their bodies reacted in both studies. So that means telling yourself you have time in your life, and the ability to achieve whatever you want, really is the first step to making it happen.</p> <p>What if you shifted your mindset to accept it's OK to be busy and that it won't stop you reaching your goals?</p> <p>In fact, being busy and having a full life could actually move you closer to ticking off your to-do list and projects. That's what I decided to do.</p> <p>Instead of seeing business and potential stress as a negative, I resolved to see it as enhancing, invigorating and essential towards drive and performance.</p> <p>So from now on, as we hit the middle of the year, I'm focusing on my mindset and accepting that, yes, I can be busy and still move towards my goals.</p> <p>How have you made changes to your mindset to transform your health and happiness? Let us know in the comments.</p> <p><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.sophiescott.com.au/" target="_blank">Click here</a></strong></span> to subscribe to Sophie Scott’s popular blog on health and happiness.</em></p>

Mind

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4 truths to change your mindset about dating

<p><strong><em>Monica Parikh is a lawyer, writer and dating coach. Deeply interested in love and relationships, she recently started <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.schooloflovenyc.com/" target="_blank">School of Love NYC</a></span> to help men and women develop happier and healthier relationships.  </em></strong></p> <p>Last week, I made an unexpected trip to the hospital with my father. In the midst of the heaviness, I happened upon Barry – a 70-year-old diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer. In the four years since his diagnosis, he had undergone various types of treatments and was currently participating in a clinical trial. Despite the gravity of his illness, he radiated happiness.</p> <p>I asked him his secret. He laughed and replied, "I hear that all the time! When I first got diagnosed, a friend who had beaten colon cancer came to visit me. He said, 'Whatever you do, fight this with a great attitude. Find the silver lining.' So, that's what I've done." He then cataloged his regular activities, including outings with his three grandkids and trips to California with his wife — all while sipping on a barium cocktail.</p> <p>As a writer interested in love and relationships, I wondered what this poignant experience had to do with the more minor (yet far more common) challenges of dating. I realised that the answer was simple: everything.</p> <p>Every day I, meet singles who are sick from loneliness and heartbreak. They complain about poor quality candidates, lack of available suitors and the betrayal of past loves. Many give up, convincing themselves that a healthy relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. How does one find the "silver lining" in a seemingly intolerable situation?</p> <p>"Change your thoughts and you change your world," said Norman Vincent Peale, who authored <em>The Power of Positive Thinking</em>.</p> <p>To that end, I offer four simple truths which will dramatically change your mindset about dating and probability of success:</p> <p><strong>1. Stop looking for "The One" ASAP!</strong></p> <p>Instead, look at dating as a learning process, a fun way to get to know yourself and others. Of course, most of us have heard the belief that when you stop looking for love, you will usually find it. As cliché as this piece of advice can sound, it's true. So instead of feeling frustrated when each date doesn't end in a marriage proposal, slow way down.</p> <p>Part of the benefit of slowing down is that you tune into your experiences with more presence. So find ways that you can enjoy the process. Perhaps you realize that dating is a great opportunity to become a better conversationalist and feel less awkward with people you don't know super well. Maybe you find it's your chance to become a more engaged listener and a social anthropologist.</p> <p>Have fun learning about other people. Figure out what turns you on (and off) in a potential mate. Get curious and realise that the experimentation is part of the fun!</p> <p>Can you find something interesting about everyone that you meet? Can you develop a personality so engaging and uplifting that others cannot help but enjoy your company? Are you looking for valuable lessons that bring you one step closer to finding true love?</p> <p><strong>2. Keep an open mind and heart.</strong></p> <p>"I don't date short men." "I only am attracted to blondes." "I must marry a Catholic."</p> <p>Any of these declarations sound familiar? It's easy to make decisions preemptively about who you want to avoid or seek out when it comes to dating. But this kind of behavior can be self-sabotaging. If you limit your dating pool, you stymie your chances of finding happiness. Dating, by its very nature, is about trying things out. So, expand your consciousness and date outside your "type."</p> <p>Most people in happy relationships are intrigued by the differences, not the similarities, of their partner. Further, most people are surprised by their ultimate choice in companion. Take, for example, my parents who have been married for 47 years. My mother is Spanish (and Catholic) and my father is Indian (and Hindu). My mother often jokes that she could barely find India on a map, let alone imagine a lifetime with a man from across the globe!</p> <p><strong>3. Diligently nip negativity in the bud.</strong></p> <p>Commit to surrounding yourself with people who make you feel positive about dating. Keep in mind that there will be no shortage of "friends" to commiserate with you on the pains of single life and the lack of available candidates. And sure, it's good to make light of life's foibles, but be wary of engaging in negative talk about your love life for too long. Words have power. We often speak our reality into existence.</p> <p>Instead, make sure to surround yourself with encouraging and optimistic people. Plan outings where you're having fun and are open to possibilities. Look for inspirational couples and love stories around you. Ask supportive people in your network to set you up with quality singles they may know.</p> <p><strong>4. If you find yourself repeatedly unsuccessful, use it as an opportunity to grow.</strong></p> <p>You may find yourself in one of two camps: perpetually single or repeatedly in unsatisfying relationships. Whatever your story, take a step back to evaluate your part and make concerted efforts to change the narrative.</p> <p>Ask for help and support as you grow in new ways. Consider hiring a dating coach. If your finances are limited, ask a friend who has a successful love life if they will give you advice and constructive feedback. Read books on dating, relationships and personal development (most are free at the public library) and learn successful dating and interpersonal behaviours.</p> <p>You may also find that your lack of success in the dating realm leads you to pursue a passion or two in other areas of life. Even if this starts out as a desire for distraction, it can lead to meeting interesting people who you may not have met otherwise. Expand your horizons, and realize that every experience, even the difficult ones, are all opportunities.</p> <p>So open your eyes and see the opportunities, everywhere, all around you. And whatever you do, don't give up on love.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/09/what-not-to-do-after-a-break-up/"><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">5 things not to do after a break-up</span></em></strong></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/10/10-date-conversation-no-nos/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>10 date conversation no-nos</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/08/how-do-you-cope-when-you-lose-your-life-partner/"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">How do you cope when you lose your life partner?</span></strong></em></a></p>

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