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Going home for the holidays? How to navigate conflict and deal with difficult people

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p>The holiday season is upon us and for many that means all the tension that comes with it. This time of year can be a minefield of uncomfortable moments, disagreement and outright conflict. It’s no wonder <a href="https://fortune.com/well/2022/12/03/home-for-holidays-family-gatherings-mental-health/">many young people</a> are apprehensive about returning home for the holidays after living far away.</p> <p>There are many reasons interpersonal difficulties can arise over the holidays. Perhaps your aunt doesn’t like what you did with her pie recipe, or your friend’s new partner has unsettling political beliefs. Maybe you haven’t lived at home in a while, but your family still talks to you like you’re the same person you were in school. Maybe you’re bringing your partner to meet your family for the first time, and aren’t sure whether everyone will get along.</p> <p>People have socialised less with friends and family <a href="https://triple-c.at/index.php/tripleC/article/view/1167">since the pandemic</a>, and may be feeling out of practice. This can be compounded by all the things people can disagree about.</p> <p>Some topics are higher risk for blowups, and best <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/book/10.1002/9781444354119#page=122">avoided</a> in such settings (religion and politics, for starters). Whether it’s <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11109-018-9476-2">true or not</a>, there’s a popular perception that tricky subjects are more numerous and divisive than ever. Dare one bring up anything adjacent to Brexit, vaccinations or the cost of living? Even bringing your mobile phone to the dining table could get you in trouble.</p> <p>So what happens if your uncle has too much mulled wine and something slips out that annoys or even horrifies you? Family arguments are a common theme in holiday films, but their scripted resolutions are rarely realistic and not based on <a href="https://repository.lboro.ac.uk/articles/book/Talk_the_science_of_conversation/9476291">empirical research</a>. By considering how these things work in the context of real interactions, we can move from what sounds good in theory to what we can put into practice.</p> <h2>Think before you speak</h2> <p>In real-world situations, <a href="http://pstorage-loughborough-53465.s3.amazonaws.com/21189843/Thesis2019Joyce.pdf">interactions can escalate</a> before you’re even fully aware that they’re happening. You might be able to anticipate why and how an interaction might become a problem. Does alcohol generally lead to arguments in your family? Are your parents usually hypercritical of your new partners? Consider how to avoid problems before they start.</p> <figure>In the moment, you can often spot “clues” that something is about to go awry. Trouble doesn’t usually emerge solely because of one person, but through <a href="https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9780429058011-13/conflict-interaction-phillip-glenn">the back-and-forth between people</a>. Assuming too much about who might be “the difficult one” and why won’t be helpful on its own.</figure> <p>You have to learn to recognise the conversational moves people are making (including your own) and see how <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780126235500500082">other people respond to them</a>. Some facial expressions can express doubt or distrust, and contemptuous expressions (such as <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2021.1936858">eye-rolling</a>) can signal that a conversation might take a turn toward insult rather than discussion. A response that starts with the word <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216615002465?casa_token=gyu3pjfpGrEAAAAA:VwEe8rVBXvsbF9V_aeYylN42IpKYeZ1BGqp85VoP_rkBQZtEI5AbuqBloiPxgTKfsJjj5VTSvcY">“well”</a> can be warning of incoming disagreement.</p> <p>As you notice what ways of speaking get what kinds of responses, you can be more thoughtful about what you choose to say. Even <a href="https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-319-99094-1_2">changing a single word</a> can shift the direction of a conversation. A common sign that a conversation is starting to escalate unhelpfully is that people begin <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08351813.2020.1826765?casa_token=AIU2DQgEJQUAAAAA%3AGoBBF8SPSXcDmiKBAwaIihjFngE1ck8QiVj0HFZO7VGxi8TtkOf7PB0j5NMV9ufgMN4BwF-dMFA1Gw">commenting on the conversation itself and accusing</a> one another of unreasonable behaviour. Once you learn to be more conscious of that, it can help you reflect on how to respond in ways that might deescalate… if that’s what you want to do.</p> <h2>Why we fight</h2> <p>There is a dilemma here: sometimes backing down from a conflict challenges our values of authenticity and commitment to our beliefs. If someone says something insulting, whether mild or <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216622002120">egregious</a>, it feels disingenuous and morally irresponsible to smooth things over. Some conflict is worth engaging, especially with someone you care about who is willing to listen and think about things. The complication is, that’s not always the case.</p> <p>Often when people argue about something they care about, they end up <a href="https://ttu-ir.tdl.org/handle/2346/16661">misaligned</a> or “talking at cross purposes”, where they’re not really even discussing the same thing anymore. Every conversation has a trajectory, but it’s entirely possible for a conversation to have <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786745#metadata_info_tab_contents">parallel or divergent trajectories</a>. In such cases, it’s unlikely that any amount of <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/08351813.2019.1631044">good-faith discussion</a> is actually going to be <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0378216618304302?casa_token=y7CoCCptr6AAAAAA:LCHuB6-BRaH4HPIothLVX_ENhSPlfshapdyvxzk9LjlQa24WJyRM4sXF2_bFp6oiWAfWnsVIoK8">productive</a>.</p> <p>At the end of the day, it’s also worth considering what makes a person or conversation “difficult”. Assigning that word to someone <a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1468-2885.2001.tb00234.x?casa_token=g5XfR-FKNLEAAAAA:GFvy6M4CY9IHrE51_NTEJDNgf6bdPqJZPX2Q2KZStBesgv8UIJDj7YTBnVMOSpRCDRWbX-DsmkQFaWQ">is not a neutral or objective</a> statement. Maybe you, in fact, are the “difficult person”. Maybe, for some kinds of conflict, you should want to be difficult. And maybe, sometimes, it’s alright to go outside and let off steam with a snowball fight.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/196751/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/jessica-robles-617248">Jessica Robles</a>, Lecturer in Social Psychology, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/loughborough-university-1336">Loughborough University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/going-home-for-the-holidays-how-to-navigate-conflict-and-deal-with-difficult-people-196751">original article</a>.</em></p>

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What exactly is a ceasefire, and why is it so difficult to agree on one in Gaza?

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marika-sosnowski-1415833">Marika Sosnowski</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-melbourne-722">The University of Melbourne</a></em></p> <p>Barely a week after Hamas’ attack on Israeli soldiers and civilians on October 7 and the subsequent airstrikes by the Israeli Defence Force on the Gaza Strip, talk of a ceasefire had already begun.</p> <p>More than five weeks into the war, calls for a ceasefire have only grown louder. Visiting the White House this week, Indonesian President Joko Widodo <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2023/11/14/indonesian-president-joko-widodo-urges-biden-to-help-end-gaza-atrocities">said</a>, a “ceasefire is a must for the sake of humanity.”</p> <p>Israel has thus far <a href="https://apnews.com/article/israel-hamas-war-news-11-11-2023-d4d272416107c02e63dabd9548395026">refused</a> to discuss a ceasefire without the release of the 240 hostages being held by Hamas.</p> <p>But what exactly is a ceasefire, and how do they work? And what sort of arrangement would be most effective in Gaza?</p> <h2>Different terms, different meanings</h2> <p>Virtually as old as conflict itself, a ceasefire is an ancient way of formalising a halt to armed violence between warring parties for a certain period of time. Historically, the terms truce and armistice were used as synonyms.</p> <p>Perhaps surprisingly, international humanitarian law has <a href="https://www.chathamhouse.org/2023/11/humanitarian-pauses-and-ceasefires-what-are-differences">no provisions</a> relating specifically to when ceasefires should be negotiated, what they need to contain or how they need to be applied.</p> <p>It is only in the last 50 years or so that a range of new terminology has become commonplace to describe the phenomenon of a “<a href="https://beyondintractability.org/essay/cease-fire">ceasefire</a>”. These include:</p> <ul> <li> <p><a href="https://ru.usembassy.gov/joint-statement-russian-federation-united-states-syria/">cessation of hostilities</a></p> </li> <li> <p><a href="https://www.thenewhumanitarian.org/news/2017/12/04/un-calls-humanitarian-pause-yemen-conditions-capital-deteriorate">humanitarian pauses</a></p> </li> <li> <p><a href="https://www.peaceagreements.org/viewmasterdocument/2093">de-escalation areas</a></p> </li> <li> <p><a href="https://reliefweb.int/report/sudan/un-call-days-tranquility-bears-fruit-more-five-million-children-have-been-vaccinated">days of tranquility</a> (pauses in fighting to allow for immunisation of children)</p> </li> <li> <p><a href="https://kaldorcentre.unsw.edu.au/sites/kaldorcentre.unsw.edu.au/files/Policy_brief_Creating_safe_zones_and_safe_corridors.pdf">safe zones</a> and safe corridors</p> </li> <li> <p><a href="https://osce.org/stories/osce-mirror-patrols-windows-of-hope-eastern-ukraine">windows of silence</a> (one name given to the 2014 ceasefire in Ukraine).</p> </li> </ul> <p>Many of these terms have been used in the Gaza conflict. For instance, in late October, the UN General Assembly <a href="https://press.un.org/en/2023/ga12548.doc.htm">adopted</a> a resolution calling for an “immediate, durable and sustained humanitarian truce leading to cessation of hostilities”.</p> <p>In the Security Council, the US has <a href="https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-67320520">called</a> for “humanitarian pauses”, but not a “ceasefire”. Russia, meanwhile, has <a href="https://news.un.org/en/story/2023/10/1142427">demanded</a> a “humanitarian ceasefire”, but is unhappy with a “truce” or “pauses”.</p> <p>This week, Hamas said it is willing to <a href="https://www.france24.com/en/middle-east/20231113-%F0%9F%94%B4-live-more-gaza-hospitals-halt-operations-as-israeli-assault-continues">release</a> 70 hostages in exchange for a five-day “truce”.</p> <p>Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has previously <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/nov/04/gaza-ceasefire-talks-ongoing-despite-israeli-pm-rejecting-pause-says-us">rejected</a> a “temporary truce”, but under pressure from the US, has agreed this week to <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2023/11/10/will-israels-humanitarian-pauses-mean-much-for-gaza-no-say-experts">implement</a> daily four-hour “humanitarian pauses”.</p> <p>While there have been <a href="https://ukraine.un.org/en/174777-glossary-humanitarian-terms-pauses-during-conflict">attempts</a> to differentiate between these terms, states continue to place different emphasis or apply different meanings to them in ad hoc ways. This makes finding common ground difficult.</p> <h2>What could be achieved in Gaza instead</h2> <p>So, if we have no common definitions as a starting point, how do parties come to any useful or enforceable agreement on a ceasefire?</p> <p>Thus far in Gaza, the answer has mostly been they don’t. It may be simplistic to say that words are what we use as humans to make sense of and order the world, but in this context, specifics matter.</p> <p>Arguably, in focusing so squarely on getting to a halt in fighting (whatever we want to call that), we lose sight of many other important factors and actions that may or may not fall under the broad and open-to-interpretation umbrella term of “ceasefire”.</p> <p>For example, Israel and Hamas might find agreement if negotiators focused on more specific details or issues, such as:</p> <ul> <li> <p>the amount of ordnance being used by both sides on a daily basis, and what kind of ordnance</p> </li> <li> <p>where or what is targeted by both sides</p> </li> <li> <p>the number of aid convoys allowed into Gaza, where they would come from, where they would go and what they would be carrying</p> </li> <li> <p>the number and/or nationality of hostages to be released and at what regularity.</p> </li> </ul> <p>I am not a negotiator and this is not an exhaustive list. What it hopes to illustrate is that efforts for a grand-bargain-type ceasefire should not be prioritised over more nuanced, and perhaps tangible, efforts for other types of lulls in fighting.</p> <h2>How ceasefires can be problematic</h2> <p>At the same time, it should not be forgotten that ceasefires can have unintended consequences. Often these consequences are far from beneficial, positive or humanitarian – the kinds of things we expect from a ceasefire.</p> <p>For example, in Syria, local <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2021/06/18/do-ceasefires-syria-work-we-checked-data/">ceasefires</a> and reconciliation agreements have been used during the civil war to allow for the evacuation of citizens from their homes in places like <a href="https://paxforpeace.nl/publications/no-return-to-homs/#:%7E:text=The%2520report%2520'No%2520Return%2520to,cities%2520and%2520neighbourhoods%2520in%2520Syria.">Old Homs</a> and <a href="https://www.middleeasteye.net/opinion/besiege-bombard-retake-reconciliation-agreements-syria">Daraya</a>.</p> <p>Subsequently, a raft of presidential decrees were enacted that enabled the Syrian regime to permanently reappropriate their properties. State-backed <a href="https://www.brookings.edu/articles/beyond-fragility-syria-and-the-challenges-of-reconstruction-in-fierce-states/">reconstruction</a> and development projects such as Basila City (which ironically means “Peace City” in old Aramaic), Marouta and Homs Dream were then built on the land acquired via the ceasefire agreements.</p> <p>Likewise, during the Russian invasion of Ukraine, <a href="https://www.newsweek.com/evacuation-route-offered-fleeing-ukrainians-mined-1685418">humanitarian corridors</a> were implemented that allowed people from the besieged city of Mariupol to evacuate. Shortly afterwards, however, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky <a href="https://www.novinite.com/articles/214156/Zelensky+accused+Russia+of+Mining+Humanitarian+Corridors">accused</a> Russia of laying landmines within the corridors to thwart civilians’ ability to flee.</p> <p>In another example, humanitarian corridors that Russia <a href="https://www.reuters.com/markets/asia/top-wrap-1-ukrainians-trapped-besieged-city-fighting-blocks-evacuation-efforts-2022-03-07/">proposed</a> setting up would not lead civilians to safety, but rather into Russia or its close ally Belarus.</p> <p>Israel has similarly announced “<a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-10-16/israel-announces-another-safe-passage-for-gazans-to-move-south">safe corridors</a>” enabling <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2023/11/10/will-israels-humanitarian-pauses-mean-much-for-gaza-no-say-experts">mass displacement</a> of civilians from the north to the south of the country. The relocation is <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/oct/13/israel-hamas-war-latest-gaza-residents-told-move-ground-assault">supposedly</a> for civilians’ own safety, despite the fact airstrikes are killing civilians there, too. Many also <a href="https://www.newarab.com/news/egypt-israeli-safe-zones-gaza-prelude-displacement">fear</a> the supposed “safe corridors” could lead to a permanent displacement of Gazans.</p> <p>Israel has reportedly also canvassed support for a <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/05/world/middleeast/israel-egypt-gaza.html#:%7E:text=Israeli%2520leaders%2520and%2520diplomats%2520have,the%2520border%2520in%2520neighboring%2520Egypt.">humanitarian corridor</a> that would direct Palestinians towards the Sinai peninsula in Egypt, in effect making them an Egyptian problem with little possibility of return. The idea has unsurprisingly been rejected by both the Palestinians and Egypt.</p> <h2>A ceasefire is only the beginning</h2> <p>Despite all this, ceasefires are perhaps the best-formalised tools humans have so far devised to halt the violence of armed conflict for a time.</p> <p>Therefore, given the suffering of civilians on both sides in the Israel-Hamas conflict, it is imperative some form of ceasefire happens. However, we should not be blinded by calls for a ceasefire (whatever terms are used), but stay alert to the hazards that ceasefires can themselves create.</p> <p>In any case, a ceasefire that stops violence for four hours, four days or four months will only be the beginning of the more challenging work that needs to be done to bring meaningful and long-term security and stablity to both Palestinians and Israelis.<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/217683/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marika-sosnowski-1415833"><em>Marika Sosnowski</em></a><em>, Postdoctoral research fellow, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/the-university-of-melbourne-722">The University of Melbourne</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-exactly-is-a-ceasefire-and-why-is-it-so-difficult-to-agree-on-one-in-gaza-217683">original article</a>.</em></p>

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Why it’s so difficult to figure out what to do with your life – and three steps to take

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marina-milosheva-1337343">Marina Milosheva</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edinburgh-napier-university-696">Edinburgh Napier University</a></em></p> <p>What do you want to be when you grow up?</p> <p>Practically from the moment you start talking, you’re asked this question. As a child, you’re encouraged to make decisions about school subjects, activities and higher education, all in pursuit of a future career.</p> <p>These decisions, which have major repercussions for how the rest of your life will unfold, <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/careers/young-people-take-career-decisions-too-early">are often hastily made</a>.</p> <p>Careers advice can be challenging to navigate and tends to focus on <a href="https://www.bi.team/blogs/moments-of-choice-how-young-people-make-career-decisions/">“moments of choice”</a>: those crucial transition points at which you need to make career decisions, such as when leaving secondary school.</p> <p>However, <a href="https://www.careersandenterprise.co.uk/media/m31lm1qo/moments_of_choice_report.pdf">“moments of inspiration”</a> are equally important. These are the times in which you are free to reflect on what you would really like to do, free of pressure or external influence.</p> <p>Many young professionals in their 20s and 30s find themselves trapped in the wrong job. Some feel unfulfilled, while others feel that they are overeducated and that <a href="https://news.sky.com/story/millions-stuck-in-the-wrong-job-study-finds-10968708">their talents are underutilised</a>.</p> <p>According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics, one in three graduates are <a href="https://www.ons.gov.uk/news/news/oneinthreegraduatesovereducatedfortheircurrentrole">overeducated for their current role</a>. By 2030, things are expected to tip in the other direction: the rapidly changing work landscape might cause millions of UK workers to become <a href="https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/future-of-work/the-future-of-work-rethinking-skills-to-tackle-the-uks-looming-talent-shortage">underskilled</a> in digital, decision-making, communication and leadership skills.</p> <h2>Why is it so hard to figure out what to do with your life?</h2> <p>Career decisions are a balancing act. You have to align your interests and aptitudes with the current demands of the labour market, neither of which are static entities.</p> <p>Your skills and interests (<a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781118970843.ch53">and to some extent, even your personality</a>) change over time, and the labour market is in a constant state of flux. The pandemic-related increases in vacancies in <a href="https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/how-has-the-pandemic-affected-industries-and-labour-in-the-uk/">certain sectors</a> and the potential effect of automation on the <a href="https://www.pwc.co.uk/economic-services/assets/international-impact-of-automation-feb-2018.pdf">displacement of jobs in others</a> are just two examples of labour market trends that you may need to consider.</p> <p>Here are three ways to figure out what you want to do with your life.</p> <h2>1. Set a career goal</h2> <p>While many people conflate the terms <a href="https://napier-repository.worktribe.com/output/2747064/new-information-literacy-horizons-making-the-case-for-career-information-literacy">“work” and “career”</a>, I take care in my research to distinguish between them. While work refers to employment, career is something different. It is a continuing personal development project.</p> <p>It begins not on the first day of a new job, but by setting career goals. These goals depend on your strengths and interests and, above all, on your values.</p> <p>There are many ways to approach the task of goal-setting, either on your own or with the help of others. As a starting point, you could complete a career quiz (such as this fun one called <a href="https://animalme.myworldofwork.co.uk/">Animal Me</a>) or reflect on where you see yourself in five or ten years.</p> <p>Consider what you most enjoy doing and what you excel at. What tasks and experiences do you find most fulfilling and rewarding?</p> <p>If you don’t know your strengths or what you might enjoy doing, talk to others who know you well. Family members, friends and coworkers may be able to help you see yourself and what you bring to the table through their eyes.</p> <h2>2. Make a plan</h2> <p>The next step is to gather information on how you can achieve your vision, and set milestones along the way.</p> <p>If you’re looking to change career direction, you would first need to find out if you need training, work experience or further education. You would then need to identify specific companies or institutions in your area that match the criteria you have set out in your plan.</p> <p>If you’re after a more minor career adjustment, you might have fewer steps to go through. You could consider different roles that you are already qualified to do, or look through the job openings at your current company.</p> <p>If you feel stuck, you can get in touch with your local career service for free and impartial career information, advice and guidance. In the UK, these are the <a href="https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/">National Careers Service</a> (England), <a href="https://www.skillsdevelopmentscotland.co.uk/what-we-do/scotlands-careers-services/our-centres/">Skills Development Scotland</a> and <a href="https://careerswales.gov.wales/">Careers Wales</a>.</p> <p>And if you’re feeling bold, you could also contact people who are in your dream job and ask them how they got there.</p> <h2>3. Find decent and meaningful work</h2> <p>Until you figure out that dream role, you should try to look for what careers scholars such as <a href="https://careerguidancesocialjustice.wordpress.com/2021/08/24/everyone-has-a-right-to-a-decent-and-dignified-life-that-includes-a-meaningful-career-an-interview-with-david-blustein/">David Blustein</a> and <a href="https://iep.utm.edu/sen-cap/">Amartya Sen</a> have described as decent and meaningful work.</p> <p><a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00407/full">Decent work</a> upholds the basic principles of social justice and human rights. You will know that you are in a decent job when you are fairly compensated, your role is not precarious, and work does not make you chronically stressed or ill.</p> <p>Meaningful work is aligned with your values and lets you achieve the kind of life that you value. Any work can be meaningful work, as long as it is compatible with what you consider to be important.</p> <p>A meaningful job can be one that allows you to have a good work-life balance, or one that comes with high pay. It could be a job that helps others, or one that lets you express yourself creatively. It could also be a job that facilitates your personal growth or a job that contributes to the greater good.</p> <p>Career planning takes time, but so does being stuck in the wrong job. British people spend an average of <a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/british-people-work-days-lifetime-overtime-quit-job-survey-study-a8556146.html">3,507 days at work</a> over their lives. Why not spend that time doing something you love?<img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209266/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /></p> <p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/marina-milosheva-1337343"><em>Marina Milosheva</em></a><em>, PhD Candidate, Social Informatics, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edinburgh-napier-university-696">Edinburgh Napier University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/why-its-so-difficult-to-figure-out-what-to-do-with-your-life-and-three-steps-to-take-209266">original article</a>.</em></p>

Caring

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Why difficult childhood experiences could make you age prematurely

<p>We know that comparatively disadvantaged people, even in rich countries, have worse health and <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/2017/01/31/low-socioeconomic-status-affects-life-expectancy-more-than-obesi_a_21704449/">shorter life expectancy</a> than others. But what is it exactly about socioeconomic disadvantage and other environmental difficulties that affects our biology? And at what age are we most vulnerable to these effects?</p> <p>While it is unclear exactly how the social environment influences a person’s biology at the molecular level, processes related to ageing are likely to be involved. One such process is DNA methylation, a mechanism used by cells to control gene expression. Specifically, it determines whether and when a gene is turned on, turned off or dialled up or down. Now a new study, <a href="https://academic.oup.com/aje/advance-article/doi/10.1093/aje/kwy155/5060528?guestAccessKey=df5d8e87-4e2d-4bff-b0fb-72ad5319f825#119252619">published in the American Journal of Epidemiology</a>, suggests that this process may be affected by circumstances in our youth – ultimately affecting how we age.</p> <p>All cells in the human body – from blood and skin cells to neurons – share the same genetic code. So how are they so different? The answer lies in gene expression: which of the many thousands of genes in each human cell are switched on, to what extent, and at which stage in the cell’s development.</p> <p>This varies not just between cell types but between people, helping to explain why identical twins can be visibly different. Physically, DNA methylation involves modification of “letters” of the genetic code by addition or removal of a <a href="https://www.britannica.com/science/methyl-group">methyl group</a> – affecting how much the gene is expressed. Because the distribution of methyl groups along the genome changes in systematic ways with ageing, you can estimate a person’s age from DNA methylation patterns in cells from a blood sample by applying an algorithm.</p> <p>This <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-epigenetics-may-help-us-slow-down-the-ageing-clock-76878">measure of “biological age”</a> is relevant to longevity – individuals with an “older” DNA methylation age are at greater risk of age-related disease and mortality. Meanwhile, it seems environmental influences may alter or “accelerate” age-related changes in methylation: associations have been shown between DNA methylation age and stress, dietary factors and pollution. This suggests DNA methylation age may be one pathway by which the social environment can affect health.</p> <p><strong>New data</strong></p> <p>Data was used from 1099 adults in the UK to look at whether different dimensions of socioeconomic disadvantage were linked to elevated DNA methylation age, calculated in two ways. When blood samples were collected, the survey had already collected annual information on the same people’s socioeconomic circumstances for 12 years. This meant the study was able to consider current and longer-term measures of things like income, employment status and educational qualifications. Crucially, this data also included information about the occupational social class of an individual’s parents when they were 14.</p> <p>The research discovered that only the last measure showed a clear link with DNA methylation age. Individuals whose parents worked in semi routine or routine occupations were about one year “older” than individuals whose parents worked in managerial or professional roles. Individuals who did not have working parents, or had parents who had died, fared still worse: they were 2.4 or 1.85 years older depending on the algorithm used. The calculations did take account of other relevant factors including smoking, body mass index and the actual age of the study participants.</p> <p>These results suggest DNA methylation age is an aspect of a person’s biology which is vulnerable to influences early in life, but surprisingly robust when it comes to difficulties experienced in adulthood. The next question is which aspects of the childhood socioeconomic environment are most relevant. Is it financial strain, housing quality or diet? Equally important will be to figure out which factors could provide resilience to these effects, potentially buffering children from a lasting impact of disadvantage on DNA methylation age.</p> <p>Of course, the results will need to be replicated, and since DNA methylation age was only measured once, the survey could not definitively prove cause and effect. But the results <a href="https://jech.bmj.com/content/62/5/387">add to extensive evidence</a> that early life circumstances can cast a long shadow on adult health. Perhaps most importantly, this strengthens the case for making sure all children are fully supported.</p> <p><em>Written by Amanda Hughes and Meena Kumari. Republished with permission of <a href="https://theconversation.com/difficult-childhood-experiences-could-make-us-age-prematurely-new-research-102807">theconversation.com</a>.</em></p> <p><em>Image credit: Shutterstock</em></p>

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“I can finally see a new me”: Bindi Irwin shares update on difficult diagnosis

<p dir="ltr">Bindi Irwin has taken to social media to assure her supporters that she is on a journey to “better health” one week after revealing her endometriosis diagnosis. </p> <p dir="ltr">The Australian sweetheart shared a picture of herself sitting up in bed, smiling, with a beautiful bouquet of red roses in her arms. For her caption, Bindi stated that she was in the process of healing, and then took the opportunity to thank her followers for their “kind words and stories of strength” from their own endometriosis experiences. </p> <p dir="ltr">“I can finally see a new me on the journey towards better health,” she said. “I can’t wait to be able to focus all my energy on our family.”</p> <p dir="ltr">In true Irwin fashion, Bindi mentioned “the conservation work we are so passionate about”, and sent her “love and light” out to everyone reading. </p> <p dir="ltr">Seven days prior, <a href="https://www.oversixty.com.au/health/caring/how-did-you-live-with-this-much-pain-bindi-irwin-hospitalised">Bindi had thanked friends, family, and fans alike</a> for “for encouraging me to find answers when I thought I’d never climb out. Thank you to the doctors &amp; nurses who believed my pain. I’m on the road to recovery &amp; the gratitude I feel is overwhelming.”</p> <p dir="ltr">And now, the wildlife warrior - and ‘endo warrior’ - received a fresh flood of encouragement and support for this next phase of her health journey, with many delighted to hear that the 24-year-old was taking the time to focus on her recovery. </p> <blockquote class="instagram-media" style="background: #FFF; border: 0; border-radius: 3px; box-shadow: 0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width: 540px; min-width: 326px; padding: 0; width: calc(100% - 2px);" data-instgrm-captioned="" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpxpeh1OrOg/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14"> <div style="padding: 16px;"> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="padding: 19% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: block; height: 50px; margin: 0 auto 12px; width: 50px;"> </div> <div style="padding-top: 8px;"> <div style="color: #3897f0; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: 550; line-height: 18px;">View this post on Instagram</div> </div> <div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"> <div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: 8px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg);"> </div> </div> <div style="margin-left: auto;"> <div style="width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"> </div> <div style="width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"> </div> </div> </div> <div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"> </div> <div style="background-color: #f4f4f4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"> </div> </div> <p style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px; margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 8px; overflow: hidden; padding: 8px 0 7px; text-align: center; text-overflow: ellipsis; white-space: nowrap;"><a style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpxpeh1OrOg/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A post shared by Bindi Irwin (@bindisueirwin)</a></p> </div> </blockquote> <p dir="ltr">“Good, get plenty of rest and feel better soon. Thank you so much for spreading so much awareness for us endo warriors,” wrote one fan. </p> <p dir="ltr">“Take all the time and healing you need, you’re such a strong person Bindi and so many people like myself look up to you and love the things you do in life,” said one. “You just keep focussing on yourself and your little family of yours and take each day at a time.”</p> <p dir="ltr">“So glad you're using this time for physical and emotional healing. You are [a] true light in this world,” wrote another. </p> <p dir="ltr">“Continue to rest up and think of yourself and your healing, which can be hard as a mum right?” said English TV personality Jo Frost, before adding “the hubby and the family got the little one, all good. Speedy recovery you darling.” </p> <p dir="ltr">“Bindi you are an inspiration to every woman who follows you,” one follower told her. “Your Dad and Mum had the joy of seeing you grow strong and courageous. I believe you are a beautiful treasure for your fans. God bless you honey and your family.”</p> <p dir="ltr">Meanwhile, one fan struggled to understand how it had taken so long for Bindi - who had shared how she’d been struggling for a decade - to be diagnosed with the condition, writing “Not sure what Dr's are thinking today or doing today...it shouldn't take this long for a diagnosis....”</p> <p dir="ltr">“These last 10yrs have included many tests, doctors visits, scans, etc.,” Bindi wrote in her original post. “A doctor told me it was simply something you deal with as a woman &amp; I gave up entirely, trying to function through the pain.”</p> <p dir="ltr">Doctors often struggle to offer a formal diagnosis as symptoms can be varied, reflect other underlying health issues, and come with great periods of time between symptoms starting - or being noticed - and reaching out for help. </p> <p dir="ltr">But for many in the comments, Bindi sharing her story is a reminder and encouragement for people to continue to advocate for their bodies, and to always fight to get the help they need.</p> <p dir="ltr">As one follower said, referencing the endo journeys of those close to her, “ it’s not a nice disease! It’s crazy how prevalent it is yet still not well understood. Thank you for sharing your experience with us! Wishing you love and healing, Bindi!!”</p> <p dir="ltr"><em>Images: Instagram</em></p>

Caring

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Why Hugh Jackman wanted to "shield" his kids from his difficult upbringing

<p>Hugh Jackman has always known the day would come when he would have to explain his difficult history with his parents to his own kids. </p> <p>The 54-year-old actor, who has long spoken about his challenging childhood, is now wrestling with these awkward conversations, as his role in the the new film <em>The Son</em> has brought up past memories. </p> <p>Hugh has previously said that his mother abandoned him as a child, which he later understood was because she suffered a mental-health crisis at the time, and <a href="https://www.oversixty.co.nz/lifestyle/family-pets/hugh-jackman-speaks-candidly-about-losing-his-father" target="_blank" rel="noopener">his dad recently died</a> after a long battle with Alzheimer's disease.</p> <p>"Hugh has seen the best and worst of the human condition, and for a long time, he wanted to shield his kids from that," a source told <a href="https://www.nowtolove.com.au/celebrity/celeb-news/hugh-jackman-childhood-75488" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Woman's Day</a>. </p> <p>But now, their adopted children Oscar, 22, and Ava, 17, are learning the truth, even if Hugh's wife Deborra-Lee Furness has her own reservations. </p> <p>Speaking to the media ahead of the premiere of <em>The Son</em>, Hugh says he felt compelled to prepare Oscar and Ava for the film's plot, which tells the story of a complicated family that tries to piece itself back together after falling apart – a story eerily similar to Hugh's own.</p> <p>"It was very important that I talk to them about what it was about, what it meant to me, and why I was doing it," he says.</p> <p>"I took them with me to see it and we had a long conversation. What I find amazing is the generation of 22 to 17-year-olds are totally fine having these conversations. It's more my generation that is a little more sheepish and shy around it."</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Family & Pets

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Simon Baker discusses his "difficult" relationship with his father

<p>Simon Baker has shared emotional family secrets and details of the strained relationship with his father on the SBS hit series <em>Who Do You Think You Are?</em></p> <p>The Aussie actor agreed to do the show after being approached for many years, “despite my mum, sister and kids saying ‘you should do it’.” </p> <p>Eventually he decided to take part in the show, saying “I thought, I’ll just see what kind of adventure it is and where it will all take me.”</p> <p>He discussed the early days of his life after he was born in Launceston in 1969 to his father Barry Baker and mother Elizabeth. </p> <p>“And soon after, my parents moved to the highlands of New Guinea, with two kids, to a remote area,” he says. </p> <p>In the show he summarises the family’s brief time there, saying “They went on this incredible adventure – and they didn’t come back together.” </p> <p>He explains how his young mother went on to remarry, but his father remained in his life under a different persona. </p> <p>“I didn’t know he was my dad. He was a family friend, Uncle Barry. I’ve struggled with that.”</p> <p>A reunion between the two finally took place when Baker was 18 years old, but in the meantime, the family moved to the northern NSW beach community of Lennox Head.</p> <p>“It was a small community and back then it was an idyllic place to live,” Baker says. “I felt a really strong sense of belonging in that place and still do. It was a phenomenal childhood in that regard – but the personal family life was difficult.”</p> <p>Before he appeared on <em>Who Do You Think You Are?,</em> Baker “looked back at my immediate family as this sort of mess,” he says. </p> <p>“But the truth is, families have many different forms and I think if you can look at your own past and the past of your ancestors with compassion, you can carry that forward with you with a little bit more wisdom.”</p> <p>He admitted that revealing the story of his parents was "challenging", and likened his difficult childhood to why he became an actor. </p> <p>“I’m pretty shy … But there is a kind of psychological reason in why I became an actor. The initial desire when I was young was about connecting with people, the idea of seeing someone in a story on a screen that you could identify with, and it could help you understand feelings inside you that you didn’t necessarily know how to articulate. When I watched certain episodes of <em>Who Do You Think You Are?</em>, I felt a connection to that person – and with that, you don’t feel as alone.”</p> <p><em>Image credits: SBS</em></p>

Family & Pets

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"World's most difficult shipwreck search" comes to an end

<p>The wreck of Sir Ernest Shackleton’s ship Endurance has been found off the coast of Antarctica 107 years after it sank. The lost ship of the Anglo-Irish explorer had not been seen since it was crushed by ice and sank in the Weddell Sea on the 21st of November, 1915.</p> <p>Last month, the Endurance22 Expedition set off from Cape Town in South Africa on a mission to find the vessel, one month after the 100th anniversary of Sir Ernest’s death.</p> <p>Endurance was finally spotted at a depth of 3008 metres and some six kilometres south of the position recorded by the ship’s Captain Frank Worsley, according to the Falklands Maritime Heritage Trust.</p> <p>Even though the wreck has been sitting in water for more than a century, the expedition’s director of exploration said Endurance was “by far the finest wooden shipwreck” he has ever seen.</p> <p>Mensun Bound, who has now fulfilled a dream ambition in his near 50-year career, said: “We are overwhelmed by our good fortune in having located and captured images of Endurance.</p> <p>“This is a milestone in polar history.”</p> <p>The ship is said to look much the same as when it was photographed for the final time by Shackleton’s filmmaker, Frank Hurley, in 1915. The team even spotted some boots and crockery on board.</p> <p>Mr Bound told the BBC: “Beside the companion way, you can see a porthole that is Shackleton’s cabin.</p> <p>“We found the wreck a hundred years to the day after Shackleton’s funeral. I don’t usually go with this sort of stuff at all, but this one I found a bit spooky.”</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">Huge congratulations to <a href="https://twitter.com/Endurance_22?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@Endurance_22</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/NatGeo?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">@NatGeo</a> for finding the wreck of <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Shackleton?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Shackleton</a>’s <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Endurance?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Endurance</a>. The wreck is amazing but can we also talk about some of the <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/Antarctic?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#Antarctic</a> sea floor creatures that now call it home! Add any others you spot to the thread! (1) <a href="https://t.co/QULEJkoiW4">pic.twitter.com/QULEJkoiW4</a></p> <p>— Huw Griffiths (@griffiths_huw) <a href="https://twitter.com/griffiths_huw/status/1501492716517171201?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 9, 2022</a></p></blockquote> <p>Dr John Shears, the expedition leader, described the moment cameras landed on the ship’s name as “jaw-dropping”.</p> <p>He said: “The discovery of the wreck is an incredible achievement.</p> <p>“We have successfully completed the world’s most difficult shipwreck search, battling constantly shifting sea-ice, blizzards, and temperatures dropping down to -18C.</p> <p>“We have achieved what many people said was impossible.”</p> <p>He added: “In addition, we have undertaken important scientific research in a part of the world that directly affects the global climate and environment.”</p> <p>Sir Ernest had set out to make the first land crossing of Antarctica - but he had to abandon the quest when Endurance was trapped and holed by sea-ice.</p> <p>The mission to find the lost ship was launched by the Falklands Maritime Heritage Trust using a South African icebreaker, Agulhas II - equipped with remotely operated submersibles.</p> <p>The shipwreck is a designated monument under the international Antarctic Treaty and must not be disturbed in any way.</p> <p>Deep-sea polar biologist Dr Michelle Taylor from Essex University said: “It would appear that there is little wood deterioration, inferring that the wood-munching animals found in other areas of our ocean are, perhaps unsurprisingly, not in the forest-free Antarctic region.</p> <p>The icebreaker is now on its way back to Cape Town. The team plan is to make a stop at the British Overseas Territory of South Georgia where Shackleton is buried to pay their respects.</p> <p><em>Image: Twitter</em></p>

International Travel

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Olivia Newton-John opens up about Kelly Preston’s death: “An incredibly difficult thing”

<p>Olivia Newton-John has given a statement on the loss of the late Kelly Preston who passed away from breast cancer at 57.  </p> <p>The <em>Grease</em> star has remained open about her own battle with breast cancer, and told <em>ET</em> that Preston was a "beautiful person, inside and out, and was beautiful to look at."</p> <p>Newton-John and Preston’s husband John Travolta, have been close friends for almost 29 years, and claimed the family are "coping as well as you can imagine."</p> <p>"She had a gentle spirit and I just feel so, so much for John and the children. It's hard to put into words," Newton-John said.</p> <p>"Loss is loss, and to lose your mother and your wife is an incredibly difficult thing, and it takes a long time. But ultimately it's a private journey and I respect that for them."</p> <p>Newton-John was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1992.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.0760667903525px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7838211/princess-mary-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/0b2148f9ccb24a98b9a0f38b50061702" /></p> <p>She only decided to go public with her battle after false reports and rumours.</p> <p>"There was going to be an article released in one of the gossip papers that I was dying of cancer," the 72-year-old said.</p> <p>"When I heard that, I decided that rather than frighten my family and my friends, it would be better to just come out with it."</p> <p>"Being a cancer thriver of 28 years and having gone through surgery and chemotherapy and radiation I always had this dream that we could find kinder ways of treating cancer," she added.</p> <p>Preston however had been battling her diagnosis for two years in silence, which shocked fans across the globe when they learnt of her death.</p> <p>"It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that my beautiful wife Kelly has lost her two-year battle with breast cancer," Travolta wrote on Instagram on July 13.</p> <p>"She fought a courageous fight with the love and support of so many. Kelly's love and life will always be remembered."</p> <p>Preston is survived by Travolta and their children: daughter Ella, 20, and nine-year-old son Benjamin.</p>

Caring

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When should you quit difficult relationships?

<p><span>No relationship is perfect. Disagreements, fights and rough patches can occur with anyone, be it family members, friends, partners, neighbours or colleagues. However, these concerns may also lead to greater grievances and leave us feeling drained, insecure or unhappy.</span></p> <p><span>Before you decide whether to work on making amends or cut off contacts, it can be helpful to learn more about what makes for a difficult relationship.</span></p> <p><strong><span>What are the signs of difficult relationships?</span></strong></p> <p><span>According to Lyn Worsley, clinical psychologist and director of the Resilience Centre, power imbalance and the resulting dysfunctional communication pattern are some of the major indicators of a difficult relationship.</span></p> <p><span>“There are times when a relationship allows control over the other,” Worsley told <em>Over60</em>. “Often both people are unaware of this pattern, which may have evolved over time.”</span></p> <p><span>Some of the signs people can spot in this kind of relationship include passive aggressive and manipulative behaviours, said Mary Bonich, principal psychologist at The Feel Good Clinic. These behaviours can manifest in many different ways – for example, constantly bringing up past grievances, making threats to end the relationship during disagreements, or controlling where the other person goes or who they see.</span></p> <p><span>“Relationships rely on open and honest communication to grow and evolve,” said Bonich. </span></p> <p><span>“A [person] who is uncomfortable or unwilling to be open and honest … often uses passive aggressive behaviour to shut down communication or opportunities to resolve disputes.</span></p> <p><span>“It fosters a relationship of mistrust and blame, and often leaves one feeling nervous and anxious about every decision they make.”</span></p> <p><strong><span>What you can do to improve the relationship</span></strong></p> <p><span>Worsley and Bonich agree that building on healthy communication is key.</span></p> <p><span>“Creating space to allow each person to be open and honest about their feelings without being penalised for sharing their feelings is imperative,” Bonich said.</span></p> <p><span>“Avoid communication pitfalls such as being critical, judgemental, condescending, defensive or stonewalling as these are toxic communication styles. Instead we want to practice sharing our feelings and taking responsibility, even if it means we are uncomfortable doing so.”</span></p> <p><span>It is important to remember the common ground we have with the other person. “If we keep in mind that the goal is to care and connect with others, we can find ourselves more willing to adjust, adapt and even let things go,” Worsley said. </span></p> <p><span>However, self-work should not be forgotten, Bonich said. “Both need to work on themselves in order to grow the relationship. We can’t ‘fix’ the other person, nor can we blame everything on the other person,” she said.</span></p> <p><strong><span>How to know when you should leave the relationship</span></strong></p> <p><span>Bonich said while we cannot expect every single interaction to be positive or nurturing, it can be helpful to reflect on the big picture.</span></p> <p><span>“If after every interaction with your partner you are left feeling smaller, less confident or more insecure than you were prior to that encounter, then this is a bad sign,” Bonich said.</span></p> <p><span>“We need to look at all interactions on balance to see whether this relationship is building you up, or slowly destroying you.”</span></p> <p><span>Worsley said anyone in a relationship with “clearly abusive pattern” should exit immediately.</span></p> <p><span>In many cases, the less powerful party could feel discouraged to leave the relationship. “The person with the power, has the power and often the other doesn’t feel they can leave the relationship or that they are not good enough,” Worsley said.</span></p> <p><span>Worsley noted that many people in this situation may feel guilt over leaving the relationship. “If the goal is to care and connect [with the other person], then leaving is often a way of caring for your partner and [helping] stop an unhealthy pattern of behaviour,” she said. </span></p> <p><span>Prolonged toxic relationship may undermine a person’s mental health and wellbeing and undermine their sense of self-worth and independence, <a href="https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-emotional-abuse">ReachOut</a> reported.</span></p> <p><span>She urged anyone experiencing verbal, sexual, emotional or physical abuse to seek professional help as they leave the relationship. “Leaving to get help is important because many people leave and find another partner to repeat the behaviour with,” she said. “Seeing a counsellor who can help you understand the abusive and controlling behaviour can help you to find new ways of relating.”</span></p> <p><em><span>If you or someone you know is experiencing violence or abuse, you can contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732.</span></em></p>

Mind

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Prince William chokes up as he reveals “very difficult” moment related to his children

<p>Prince William has opened up about his personal struggle with mental health, referring to one particular experience as one he thought he would never “ever get over”.</p> <p>The Duke of Cambridge revealed that during a certain tumultuous period in his life, it was the help of his colleagues who he reached out to that made him lift his spirits.</p> <p>He says that if he had not shared his problems to those that care about him, he would have “gone down a slippery slope” mentally.</p> <p>While the 36-year-old did not share details, he said it was “very difficult to talk about” because it was “related very closely to my children” – Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis.</p> <p>But despite not giving away the nature of the incident, the father-of-three was referencing his time as a search and rescue pilot for the air ambulance, a responsibility he walked away from in 2017 in order to give attention to his royal duties.</p> <p>William has previously touched upon the trauma he witnessed during the intense job, many incidents which involved children.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-lang="en-gb"> <p dir="ltr">"I still find it very difficult to talk about it." — The Duke of Cambridge on the importance of talking <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/MentalHealth?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#MentalHealth</a>, and his own experience working as an Air Ambulance Pilot <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/WEF19?src=hash&amp;ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">#WEF19</a> <a href="https://t.co/2nimIAqwiQ">pic.twitter.com/2nimIAqwiQ</a></p> — Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) <a href="https://twitter.com/KensingtonRoyal/status/1088145327704735745?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">23 January 2019</a></blockquote> <p>Speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos, the royal said feelings of sadness were “only human”.</p> <p>“Yes, you put a suit of armour on … but one day something comes along closely related to your own personal life and it really takes you over the line.”</p> <p>The Duke was accompanied by Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, a country which has a predominantly high suicide rate.</p> <p>She commended him for his openness towards the issue of mental health, saying his words will help break the stigma surrounding the illness.</p> <p>Ms Ardern said that her government has mental illness in the top list of priorities, as the disorder doesn’t discriminate.</p> <p>“I have lost friends, and I wouldn’t have to look far in my cabinet to find other people who have too,” Ms Ardern added.</p> <p>“One of the sad facts for New Zealand is that everyone knows someone who has taken their own life.”</p> <p><em>If you are troubled by this article, experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call the Depression Helpline at 0800 111 757 or visit depression.org.nz.</em></p>

Mind

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“I’m difficult to buy for”: Queen reveals the one gift people always get her

<p>In a promotional clip from ITV for <em>The Queen’s Green Planet</em>, Her Majesty and Sir David Attenborough share a joke as they walk around the royal gardens.</p> <p>Speaking about how people never know what to buy her, she tells Sir David: “I’ve been quite difficult to give presents to, so they’ve said, ‘Oh, let’s give her a plant.’”</p> <p>The pair are filmed wandering around the Buckingham Palace gardens while speaking about the Queen’s new initiative to protect the Commonwealth’s climate by creating a global network of forests.</p> <p>The goal, she says, is to create conservation initiatives across all 53 Commonwealth countries to mark her own lifetime’s service to the Commonwealth.</p> <p>The Queen says she hopes to “change the climate again”, which Sir David replies would be a “wonderful legacy”.</p> <p>The Queen’s famed sense of humour is once again on show as the pair laugh at an unfortunate-looking tree that has gone over, looking very at odds with the rest of the impeccably kept gardens.</p> <p>The Queen jokes: “That one we won’t look at. Someone sat on it, I think.”</p> <p><iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zYs3blLyyu0?rel=0" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></p> <p>The show will also feature Prince Harry planting trees in the Caribbean, and Prince William in Canada’s Great Bear Rainforest.</p> <p>Prince Harry pays tribute to his grandmother’s commitment to environmental causes, saying: “I think I’m closing in on my half century of trees planted, but I reckon the Queen is up in the thousands.”</p> <p>A spokeswoman for British network ITV said: “In a rare opportunity to see the Queen talking informally to Sir David, the conversation ranges from climate change, to conkers and birthday gifts.</p> <p>“In the often humorous exchange, the Queen reveals her passion for nature and how the garden’s history is intertwined with that of her family, charting the lives of her children but also delving into the past of her great-great-grandparents Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.”</p>

Home & Garden

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Katherine Heigl opens up about difficult birth of son

<p>Hollywood actress Katherine Heigl welcomed her son Joshua on December 20, 2016.</p> <p>And on Wednesday, the Grey's Anatomy star took to Instagram to wish him a happy first birthday and shared several never-seen-before photos during her pregnancy and birth, as well as an adorable new image of her son today.</p> <p>Sharing a nude pregnancy photo, the actress wrote: “At 9am one year ago today I had @joshbkelley take this photo of me so I could remember how incredibly pregnant I was right before we left for the hospital and my 12pm scheduled cesarean.”</p> <p><img width="421" height="503" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB7DD00000578-5199555-image-a-39_1513797461211.jpg" alt="Rare: Katherine Heigl shared a photo from when she was pregnant with baby Josh on her Instagram account on Tuesday" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-93a171821c5c7b1e"/></p> <p>Heigl also opened up about how she didn’t have the easiest birth as her son wasn’t breathing when he was delivered by C-section. Other images show son in hospital with tubes but the last image is a little Joshua, healthy and smiling in his mother’s arms.</p> <p>She wrote: “Joshua Jr had been in the breech position for over a month and had still not moved an inch a week before his due date so I made the decision to have a cesarean and was incredibly nervous and a little scared this time last year.'</p> <p><img width="401" height="478" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB93D00000578-5199555-image-a-41_1513797483743.jpg" alt="Hard start: 'My doctor struggled to get him out because he was really wedged in there and not quite ready to leave the womb,' she revealed" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-c44725fc9f6b61bb"/></p> <p>“I had never been hospitalized or had ever had any kind of surgery and had no idea what to expect. The second photo is right before I went in for surgery. Trying to look cool, calm and collected! They numbed me up, gave me some morphine and opened me up. </p> <p>“My doctor struggled to get him out because he was really wedged in there and not quite ready to leave the womb.</p> <p><img width="424" height="514" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB81100000578-5199555-image-a-43_1513797511464.jpg" alt="Still in the hospital: This is her third child, but her first bio baby; she has already two adopted daughters" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-ad98ef3a7b17782c"/></p> <p>“When she finally pulled him out at exactly 12:33pm he didn’t start breathing and they worked quickly to get oxygen in him and start his tiny lungs. @joshbkelley was standing with them when he finally took his first breath. That day, as I slowly came out of the morphine haze and clutched my tiny man to me.</p> <p><img width="453" height="546" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB86900000578-5199555-image-a-42_1513797500108.jpg" alt="Struggle: 'When she finally pulled him out at exactly 12:33pm he didn¿t start breathing and they worked quickly to get oxygen in him and start his tiny lungs. @joshbkelley was standing with them when he finally took his first breath" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-1a58bee1005853c3"/></p> <p>“I thanked the heavens for his breath, his life and for making me a mother three times over. As evening settled in Josh and I got cozy in my hospital room, found one of my all time favorites #SweetHomeAlabama on the tv and just relished in our perfect newborn son. </p> <p>“He was so tiny and new, so fragile and tender. As I lay him down to sleep that first night in his very appropriate “welcome to the world” sleep sack I thought the moment would last forever.</p> <p>“Yet here we are, a whole year later and it’s only the photos that remind me my brute of a boy was ever so new and small! Now he’s 26 ponds of rolling, tumbling, grasping, giggling, shouting, curious, jolly energy!</p> <p><img width="405" height="490" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB99500000578-5199555-image-a-44_1513797515875.jpg" alt="The little guy: 'He is everything and more than I could have hoped for and he has brought our family even more joy, love, laughter, abundance, bliss and yes, exhaustion and exasperation too!' she said" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-25e0064a2aa38cf5"/></p> <p>“He is everything and more than I could have hoped for and he has brought our family even more joy, love, laughter, abundance, bliss and yes, exhaustion and exasperation too! It’s been a hell of a year and I could not be more grateful for it or him! Happy Birthday to my little man! Maybe I can make this next year go a little slower!”</p> <p><img width="431" height="523" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/12/20/19/477BB9A500000578-5199555-image-a-47_1513797535114.jpg" alt="The real deal about being a new mom: She also shared that there have been some highs and lows. 'One minute you¿re weirdly obsessed with this baby, like &quot;Don¿t take him out of my sight,&quot; and the next you¿re kind of blue, you¿re a little sad and a little freaked out,' she said" class="blkBorder img-share b-loaded" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" id="i-ec5c8427bb164122"/></p> <p>Heigl also has two adopted daughters Naleigh, aged eight, and Adalaide, aged four, with husband Josh Kelley, a singer.</p> <p> </p>

TV

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How to navigate difficult conversations at Christmas lunch

<p>Christmas is often a time when family comes together that may not see each other all that often. For this reason it’s often a time for having difficult conversations to flare up (or need to be brought up).</p> <p>Whether it’s differing political views, financial woes or needing to arrange care for an elderly relative – these difficult conversations can be just plain hard.</p> <p>How do you bring up the issues without offending or upsetting everybody? Follow our tips to navigate the waters safely.</p> <p>There tend to be three types of conversations that can come up over the festive season when family comes together. There are those that are best avoided (‘So I hope everybody voted in the same way as me in the same sex marriage plebiscite?’); those that you need to have but find it tricky to bring up; and then those that arise naturally in the course of the season that need to be dealt with.</p> <p><strong>1. Conversations to avoid</strong></p> <p>Politics, religion, war – whatever sets your family members’ temperature on fire is best left away from the Christmas meal. If you’re the host, let people know upfront that you have a few ‘house rules’ and that these topics are off limits. Then you can quickly interject with a ‘not at my table!’ if any discussions start up that you know could end badly. If you’re not the host, you can always steer the conversation away by saying ‘I think this conversation is not suitable for the table, let’s shelve it for now.’</p> <p><strong>2. Conversations to plan for</strong></p> <p>Sometimes there are things that need to be discussed, such as making medical or care-based decisions for a sick or elderly relative. In this instance, it’s best arranged for a specific time post Christmas where the relevant parties (not the whole extended family) can get together in a calm space to talk. These are not the chats to have while carving the turkey, they are private and should be planned for in that manner. Again it’s a matter of interjecting if the topic comes up in the wrong space. Grandkids don’t need to be present while great aunt Josephine’s nursing home options are discussed, or when someone takes issue with their long-lost cousin’s will.</p> <p><strong>3. Conversations to deal with</strong></p> <p>Often the heightened emotion of an extended family coming together (and more often than not, alcohol) can bring up new or old issues that need to be dealt with. For instance a relative may feel comfortable enough to share with the group that they have been battling with depression or financial stress. In this instance, if appropriate, suggest taking the conversation somewhere private or arrange a time to have a proper discussion without any distractions. People often just want to feel as though someone is willing to listen to them, so they will most likely appreciate the fact that you care enough to discuss it while respecting their privacy.</p> <p>Have you had to deal with some tough conversations across the Christmas table? We would love to hear how you resolved the issues with your family. Please share in the comments.</p>

Relationships

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Royal photographer reveals the “most difficult royal” to photograph

<p>A royal photographer is spilling the beans on what some of the world’s most famous royals are like away from the camera.</p> <p>In his new book, <a href="http://aax-us-east.amazon-adsystem.com/x/c/Qo8YZ4CAPaW219c-ZUzkHk4AAAFc5qcxRQEAAAFKAbPNtCU/https:/assoc-redirect.amazon.com/g/r/https:/www.amazon.com/My-Life-Photographing-Royalty-Famous-ebook/dp/B0723GTFG3/ref=as_at/?creativeASIN=B0723GTFG3&amp;linkCode=g12&amp;tag=people0d0-20&amp;imprToken=FZ8Lj41uzIs0cF1XPmJQnQ&amp;slotNum=0&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1498495717&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=My+Life+Photographing+Royalty+And+The+Famous" target="_blank"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>My Life Photographing Royalty And The Famou</strong></span>s</a>, Reginald Davis, who worked as a royal photographer for 40 years, reveals some intimate behind-the-scene details of last century’s most popular princesses.</p> <p>He called Princess Grace of Monaco as “the most difficult royal I ever photographed.”</p> <p><img width="500" height="375" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/38691/princess-grace1_500x375.jpg" alt="Princess -grace1"/></p> <p>“She only agreed to a private audience because I had previously had a private audience with the Queen,” he continued, according to the <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/815381/Daily-Express-photographer-pictures-Reginald-Davis" target="_blank">Daily Express</a>.</strong></span></p> <p>“Everyone wanted to shoot Grace,” he said. “She was such an attractive woman, why be so haughty, arrogant and awkward?</p> <p>“Of course, you’d never know that from looking at her face” he said. “(In the photo) she seems every inch the relaxed, happy mother.”</p> <p>Davis’ favourite person to shoot was none other than Queen Elizabeth’s younger sister, Princess Margaret.</p> <p>“She was just so vibrant — and had these beautiful azure eyes,” he said. “She really was the Diana of her day. Everything I took of her was in demand.”</p> <p><img width="302" height="393" src="http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/05/04/00/004C81AC00000258-3066726-image-a-3_1430697529293.jpg" alt="Image result for princess margaret young" class="irc_mi" style="margin-top: 0px; display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"/></p> <p>After training as a photographer with the Royal Navy during WWII, Davis joined the Daily Express in 1949.</p> <p>He first photographed the Queen in 1959 and during the next four decades, he became a royal photographer accompanying the family on state visits and royal tours around the world. </p> <p><img width="499" height="345" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/38692/queen-elizabeth-7_499x345.jpg" alt="Queen -elizabeth -7"/></p> <p class="p1">“I’d been invited to Windsor Castle to photograph the family in the gardens. I had this idea of sitting them all on the grass," he recalled. </p> <p class="p1">“But the ground was so wet I had to get something for them to sit on,” Davis said. “All I could find was a Persian rug.</p> <p class="p1">“When Prince Philip saw it he wanted to know: ‘Whatever is a Persian carpet doing in the middle of Windsor?’</p> <p class="p1">“Thankfully the Queen eased the situation, saying to the two younger boys [Princes Andrew and Edward]: ‘Come along children, let’s sit on the magic carpet and fly away.;"</p>

Art