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What is a relationship ‘boundary’? And how do I have the boundary conversation with my partner?

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p>Text messages showing actor Jonah Hill asking his ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady to consider a dot point list of relationship “boundaries” have sparked an important conversation.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady accuses him of emotional abuse.</p> <p>🔗: <a href="https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT">https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT</a> <a href="https://t.co/3B6I86uwNV">pic.twitter.com/3B6I86uwNV</a></p> <p>— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) <a href="https://twitter.com/PopCrave/status/1677755077249859586?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 8, 2023</a></p></blockquote> <p>Two different interpretations of these texts are dominating the discussion.</p> <p>Some have understood Hill’s dot points as a reasonable set of relationship expectations or “preferences” for a partner. Others see Hill’s list of relationship deal-breakers as a controlling behaviour.</p> <p>So what is a relationship “boundary” and how do you have this conversation with your partner?</p> <h2>What are relationship boundaries?</h2> <p>Boundaries are personal and influenced by one’s values. They can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and cultural.</p> <p>The purpose of creating, understanding and respecting boundaries is to ensure one’s mental health and well-being are protected. Used well, they can keep relationships healthy and safe.</p> <p>Setting boundaries can also reinforce values and priorities important to you.</p> <h2>Some ‘boundaries’ are controlling and go too far</h2> <p>That said, relationship boundaries can become unsafe for the people involved. Some cross the line into coercive control.</p> <p>For instance, one might be able to justify to themselves they need to know where their partner is at all times, monitor their communications and keep tabs on their partner’s friendships because they just want to keep their partner safe.</p> <p>But these are not boundaries; this is coercive control.</p> <p>If your partner is describing these as their relationship boundaries, you should feel comfortable to say you are not OK with it. You should also feel comfortable explaining what boundaries you need to set for yourself and your relationship to feel safe.</p> <p>In fact, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01639625.2017.1304801">research</a> has found that even cyberstalking offenders might struggle to acknowledge how their behaviour can be perceived as intrusive by their partner. They may also have trouble understanding how it contributed to their break-up.</p> <p>My research on how people can sabotage their own relationships revealed a <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0#Tab1">lack of relationship skills</a> is often a key factor in relationship issues.</p> <p>The same <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/abs/defining-romantic-selfsabotage-a-thematic-analysis-of-interviews-with-practising-psychologists/35531B41927851905281C7D815FE4199">research</a> highlighted how people who fear their relationship is at risk can end up indulging in controlling behaviours such as partner monitoring, tracking how a partner spends their money and emotional manipulation.</p> <p>In other words, people can sometimes employ unhealthy behaviours with the intention of keeping their partner but end up pushing them away.</p> <h2>Understanding partner and relationship expectations</h2> <p>We might have a vision in mind of an “<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.91.4.662">ideal partner</a>”. But it’s highly improbable one person can ever meet such high standards.</p> <p>Rigid partner and relationship standards, just like unreasonable boundaries, can cause distress, hopelessness and resentment.</p> <p>So healthy romantic relationships need clear communication and negotiation. Sometimes, that involves being flexible and open to hearing what the other person has to say about your proposed boundaries.</p> <p>Relationship boundaries are a life skill that needs constant learning, practice and improvement.</p> <h2>Having a conversation about healthy relationship boundaries</h2> <p>Some mistakenly believe having any relationship boundaries at all is unreasonable or a form of abuse. That’s not the case.</p> <p>In my <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">research</a> on relationship sabotage, many people spoke about how being able to clearly communicate and set relationship expectations has helped them maintain their relationships over the long term and dispel <a href="https://scholarworks.uni.edu/facpub/1397/">unrealistic</a> standards.</p> <p>Communicating expectations can also help people deal with common relationship fears, such as getting hurt, being rejected and feeling disrespected.</p> <p>But for an important conversation about boundaries to take place, you first need the environment for an open, honest and trusting discussion.</p> <p>Partners should feel they can talk freely and without fear about what they are comfortable with in a relationship. And, be able to discuss how they feel about a boundary their partner has proposed.</p> <h2>Clarify and discuss</h2> <p>If you’re having the boundary conversation with your partner, clarify what you mean by your boundary request and how it might work in practice. Examples can help. Understanding the nuances can help your partner decide if your boundary request is reasonable or unreasonable for them.</p> <p>Second, negotiate which boundaries are hard and which are soft. This will involve flexibility and care, so you’re not undermining your or your partner’s, freedom, mental health and wellbeing. A hard boundary is non-negotiable and can determine the fate of the relationship. A soft boundary can be modified, as long as all parties agree.</p> <p>What constitutes a healthy boundary is different for each individual and each relationship.</p> <p>Regardless, it is a conversation best had in person, not by text message (which can easily be taken out of context and misunderstood). If you really must have the discussion over text, be specific and clarify.</p> <p>Before setting boundaries, seek insight into what you want for yourself and your relationship and communicate with your partner openly and honestly. If you’re fearful about how they’ll react to the discussion, that’s an issue.</p> <p>An open and honest approach can foster a productive collaboration that can strengthen relationship commitment.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209856/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-relationship-boundary-and-how-do-i-have-the-boundary-conversation-with-my-partner-209856">original article</a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Essential money conversations retirees should have with family

<p>Discussions about funding retirement, aged care and inheritances may be uncomfortable. However, not having them risks your wishes going unmet and family conflicts where details aren’t clear. </p> <p>Hence having discussions about money while you are able to is one of the best (and cheapest!) investments you can make – for both you and your family.</p> <p>Precisely what those discussions entail will depend on your circumstances – and theirs. Yet many points apply almost universally:</p> <p><strong>What matters to you</strong></p> <p>Even the best laid plans mean nothing if those responsible for enacting them don’t know what they are or understand your reasoning behind them.</p> <p>Your will provides a legal overview of who gets what upon your death, while nominated beneficiaries determine how assets are divided from superannuation and some other structures.</p> <p>A separate letter of wishes can informally share your wishes, covering more than just legalities. Sharing this before your death allows family to clarify your wishes and ask questions. </p> <p><em>Go through:</em></p> <ul> <li>How your money should be managed now and longer term (e.g., you may want money set aside for grandchildren’s education, or have instructions for a dependent’s ongoing care).</li> <li>Funeral arrangements; cremation or burial; where you will be laid to rest.</li> <li>Plans for anyone other than direct family, charities etc.</li> <li>Any non-negotiables among your wishes.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Partner protections</strong></p> <p>Ensure your partner knows how they will be looked after if they outlive you. Similarly, your kids should know what if any support they will need to provide – especially important for blended families. </p> <p>Where beneficiaries have divorced/separated, will you exclude their ex from your estate? Are your records updated to reflect this?</p> <p>Ensure everyone knows the difference between joint tenants and tenants in common for property owners – only one automatically leaves your share of the property to your co-owner. </p> <p><strong>Health matters</strong></p> <p>How do you want to be looked after in your final years? Don’t assume your loved ones already know everything.</p> <p>Communicate your wishes, small and large – medications, dietary requirements, retirement living, palliative care, resuscitation.</p> <p>Discuss whether power of attorney and enduring guardianship are needed should you be unable to make decisions over your health and finances (e.g., due to dementia or stroke), and who will assume those responsibilities.</p> <p><strong>Family legacy</strong></p> <p>Consider the legacy you want to leave and whether this aligns with your family’s expectations.</p> <p>Is dividing assets equally among your children really fair if one is well-off while another struggles or has complex needs? </p> <p>Do your plans on inheritance unwittingly create headaches for the recipients – such as leaving property to someone who cannot afford to maintain it, or tax liabilities that eat into any financial gain?</p> <p>Discuss non-financial legacy too: do your offspring know about your (and hence their) heritage? Are there special family mementos/stories to pass on? This knowledge may be lost if you don’t share it now.</p> <p><strong>Place to call home</strong></p> <p>Given their financial, logistical, and emotional implications, living arrangements are crucial to discuss before things need to change (and change can be imposed suddenly, such as by a health emergency). </p> <p><em>Consider:</em></p> <ul> <li>Where would you want to go if you need high-level care?</li> <li>Is your current home suitable in your advanced years? How would any required modifications be paid for?</li> <li>Would you move nearer your kids? Downsize, upsize or sea/treechange?</li> <li>If you move, would you need to sell your current home? Could it be retained somehow?</li> <li>Do you want/expect kids to care for you? Are they capable of doing so? </li> <li>Could/would you live with one of your children? If so – such as paying to build a granny flat on their property – how does this affect your will? Would they be forced to sell so their siblings receive their inheritance?</li> </ul> <p><strong>Team united</strong></p> <p>Having everyone on the same page helps things to run smoothly – especially during difficult times such as a death or serious illness in the family.</p> <p><em>Stay aligned by:</em></p> <ul> <li>Introducing adult children to your financial adviser, lawyer, and accountant.</li> <li>Ensuring everyone knows where to find your will and who is your executor.</li> <li>Disclosing what is and is not up to date.</li> <li>Providing contingency access to passwords, important documents, keys etc.</li> <li>Sharing relevant policy details (e.g., life insurance).</li> </ul> <p>These discussions may be sensitive and difficult to initiate, but are crucial to ensure your wishes are known and enacted. Plus, they may encourage your loved ones to think about their own wishes – and give you all peace of mind for the future!</p> <p><strong><em>Helen Baker is a licensed Australian financial adviser and author of the new book, On Your Own Two Feet: The Essential Guide to Financial Independence for all Women (Ventura Press, $32.99). Helen is among the 1% of financial planners who hold a master’s degree in the field. Proceeds from book sales are donated to charities supporting disadvantaged women and children. Find out more at <a href="http://www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au">www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au</a></em></strong></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images  </em></p>

Retirement Income

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Conversation starters for solo travellers

<p>We all know of stranger danger but when you’re a solo traveller the ability to talk to strangers (safely, though) is one of the most important skills to have under your belt. Chatting with strangers will not only add to your travel experience but it might even lead to life-long friendships. Here are a few conversation starters to keep up your sleeve.</p> <p><em>A note on safety</em>: Don’t be afraid to tell people you are a solo traveller. People are often more keen to chat and talk to those travelling alone, however it’s important to exercise caution. Look for clues to see if the person can be trusted and stay in public places.</p> <p><strong>When eating out, sit at a communal table or at the bar.</strong> Chat to people sitting next to you. If they are a local, you can ask them about the restaurant and any local recommendations. If they are a fellow traveller, ask them where they’re from and how their trip is going.</p> <p><strong>Ask someone to take your photo.</strong> Be mindful of the fact there are some scammers targeting tourist destinations to steal cameras so use your judgement but this is an easy and natural way to strike up a conversation. A family or a group of tourist can usually be trusted and counted on to take your Start with the sight you’re getting photographed.</p> <p><strong>Comment on a tourist destination.</strong> If you’re wandering around a museum/gallery/popular site, keep a look out for other solo travellers. Keep it simple and introduce yourself, following up questions about how their enjoying where you both are. Be aware that not everyone wants to chat but most solo travellers have an open mind and want to meet new people.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Travel Tips

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Don’t let financial shame be your ruin: open conversations can help ease the burden of personal deb

<p>Nearly <a href="https://www.ipsos.com/en-nz/19th-ipsos-new-zealand-issues-monitor">two-thirds of New Zealanders</a> are worried about the cost of living, and a quarter are worried about <a href="https://www.canstar.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Consumer-Pulse-Report-NZ-2023-Final-4.pdf">putting food on the table</a>. But the <a href="https://visionwest.org.nz/food-hardship-part-one/">shame</a> that can come with financial stress is preventing some people from seeking help. </p> <p>According to a recent survey, a third of New Zealanders were not completely truthful with their family or partners about the state of their finances, and 12% <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/129477493/financial-infidelity-research-finds-kiwis-hiding-debts-from-their-partners">actively hid their debt</a>. This shame and worry about money can spill over into <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/concerns-buy-now-pay-later-schemes-could-fuel-addiction-as-kiwis-spend-17b-last-year/VOV3VIDIG2MZBGJEGPMLGWDMJI/">addiction</a>, <a href="https://www.newsroom.co.nz/i-had-serious-concussion-bad-credit-and-15000-debt-abuse-survivor">violence</a> and <a href="https://corporate.dukehealth.org/news/financial-strains-significantly-raise-risk-suicide-attempts">suicide</a>. </p> <p>Considering the effect of financial stress on our wellbeing, it is clear we need to overcome the financial stigma that prevents us from getting help. We also <a href="https://www.apa.org/topics/money/family-financial-strain">owe it to our kids</a> to break the taboo around money by communicating our worries and educating them on how to manage finances better. </p> <h2>The burden of growing debt</h2> <p><a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300817697/mortgage-pain-homeowners-facing-repayment-hikes-of-up-to-900-a-fortnight">Ballooning mortgage repayments</a> are compounding the financial distress of many New Zealanders. At the beginning of 2023, an estimated 11.9% of home owners were behind on loan payments, with more than <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">18,400 mortgagees in arrears</a>. </p> <div data-id="17"> </div> <p>Given the <a href="https://www.treasury.govt.nz/publications/an/an-21-01-html">majority of household wealth</a> in New Zealand is in property, our financial vulnerability is closely linked to the ebbs and flows of the <a href="https://content.knightfrank.com/research/84/documents/en/global-house-price-index-q2-2021-8422.pdf">second most overinflated property market</a> in the world. </p> <p>There are also cultural reasons for growing financial distress. Many households have taken on significant debt to “<a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/7616361/Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses">keep up with the Joneses</a>” and to pursue the quintessential <a href="https://www.interest.co.nz/property/99890/westpac-commissioned-survey-suggests-many-new-zealanders-still-pine-quarter-acre">quarter-acre dream</a>. Social comparison and peer pressure act as powerful levers contributing to problem debt and over-indebtedness. </p> <p>The average household debt in New Zealand is more than <a href="https://tradingeconomics.com/new-zealand/households-debt-to-income">170% of gross household income</a>. That is higher than the United Kingdom (133%), Australia (113%) or Ireland (96%).</p> <h2>The rise of problem debt</h2> <p>And we are digging a deeper hole. Over the past year, <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">demand for credit cards increased by 21.7%</a>. The use of personal debt such as personal loans and deferred payment schemes <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/demand-for-personal-credit-rises-arrears-also-up-as-cost-of-living-bites/YCEM74CII5FQBPJXO3UOG4Y3GY/">is also climbing</a>. There is a real risk this debt could become problem debt. </p> <p>Problem debt can have severe and wide-reaching consequences, including <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">housing insecurity</a>, <a href="http://www.socialinclusion.ie/publications/documents/2011_03_07_FinancialExclusionPublication.pdf">financial exclusion</a> (the inability to access debt at affordable interest rates), <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/07409710.2012.652016?journalCode=gfof20">poor food choices</a> and a plethora of <a href="https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-2458-14-489">health problems</a>. </p> <p>Yet, the hidden <a href="https://spssi.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sipr.12074">psychological</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11205-008-9286-8">social cost of financial distress</a>remains often unspoken, overlooked and underestimated.</p> <p>Even before the pandemic, <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU1909/S00616/research-shows-financial-stress-impacts-mental-wellbeing.htm">69% of New Zealanders were worried</a>about money. The share of people worrying about their financial situation was higher for women (74%), and particularly women aged 18-34 (82%). It is no coincidence that the latter are particularly at risk of problem debt through so-called <a href="https://acfr.aut.ac.nz/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/691577/Gilbert-and-Scott-Study-2-Draft-v10Sept2022.pdf">“buy now, pay later” schemes</a>. </p> <p>The stigma of financial distress extends beyond the vulnerable and the marginalised in our society. A growing number of <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/political/467417/middle-income-families-hoping-for-help-in-budget-as-rising-costs-sting">middle-class New Zealanders </a> are quietly suffering financial distress, isolated by financial stigma and the taboos around discussing money. When pressed, one in two New Zealanders would rather <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU2203/S00384/research-shows-wed-rather-talk-about-politics-than-our-finances.htm">talk politics over money</a>. </p> <h2>Time to talk about money</h2> <p>Navigating financial distress and <a href="https://digitalcommons.law.seattleu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2526&context=sulr">stigma</a> can feel overwhelming. Where money is a taboo subject, it may feel safer to withdraw, maintain false appearances, be secretive or shun social support. </p> <p>This tendency to avoid open discussions and suffer in silence can lead to <a href="https://loneliness.org.nz/lonely/at-home/financially-struggling/">feelings of isolation</a> and contribute to <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-financial-stress-can-affect-your-mental-health-and-5-things-that-can-help-201557">poor mental health</a>, such as depression, anxiety and emotional distress. </p> <p>Sadly, the trauma of living in financial distress can also <a href="http://irep.ntu.ac.uk/id/eprint/39442/1/1307565_Wakefield.pdf">break up families</a>. Losing the symbols of hard-gained success and facing the prospect of a reduced lifestyle can be tough. It often triggers feelings of personal failure and self doubt that deter us from taking proactive steps to talk openly and seek help. </p> <p>But what can families do to alleviate some of this distress?</p> <h2>Seek help</h2> <p>First, understand that <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/86767aac-98e0-4dae-8c5a-d3301b030703">you are not alone</a>. Over 300,000 New Zealanders <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">owe more than they earn</a>.</p> <p>Second, seek help. There are many services that help people work through their financial situation and formulate a plan. In the case of excessive debts, debt consolidation or <a href="https://goodshepherd.org.nz/debtsolve/">debt solution loans</a> may help reduce the overall burden and simplify your financial situation. </p> <p>For those struggling with increasing interest on their mortgages, reaching out to your bank early is critical. During the 2008 recession, banks in New Zealand <a href="https://www.beehive.govt.nz/release/banks-exchange-letters-crown-support-distressed-mortgage-borrowers">worked with customers</a> to avoid defaulting on mortgages, including reducing servicing costs, capitalising interest and moving households to interest-only loans. It is essential to understand that the <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/homed/real-estate/130677426/are-we-on-the-brink-of-a-wave-of-mortgagee-sales">banks do not want mortgagees to fail</a>, and that options exist.</p> <p>To help future generations avoid debt traps, we need open communication about money – also known as “<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10834-020-09736-2">financial socialisation</a>”. This includes developing values, sharing knowledge and promoting behaviours that help build <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1241099.pdf">financial viability and contribute to financial wellbeing</a>. </p> <p>The lessons about handling money from family and friends are crucial for <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.02162/full">improving our children’s financial capability</a>, helping them be <a href="https://www.fsc.org.nz/it-starts-with-action-theme/growing-financially-resilient-kids">more financially resilient</a> and better able to survive the stresses we are experiencing now – and those <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300836616/heres-how-much-household-costs-are-expected-to-increase">yet to come</a>.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-let-financial-shame-be-your-ruin-open-conversations-can-help-ease-the-burden-of-personal-debt-202496" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. </em></p>

Retirement Income

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John Travolta recalls heartbreaking conversation with son over Kelly Preston

<p>John Travolta has recalled an emotional conversation he had with his son, Ben, after the death of Kelly Preston.</p> <p>While appearing on Kevin Hart’s Peacock talk show series, <em>Hart</em>, the 67-year-old A-lister opened up about the heartbreaking chat he had with his 10-year-old son, after the family lost Preston to breast cancer in 2020.</p> <p>The actress battled the disease for two years out of the public eye.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843357/travolta-family-kelly-preston-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/5370c8c14d914e19a0e01f0ef76dbcc7" /></p> <p>Travolta revealed he and his son were walking through their neighbourhood, when Ben admitted he was afraid to lose his father.</p> <p>"He said to me once, 'Because mum passed away, I'm afraid you're going to,'" the <em>Grease</em> star shared.</p> <p>"I said, 'Well, it's a very different thing.' And I went through the differences about my longevity and her limited life," he continued.</p> <p>"I said, 'But you know, Ben… You always love the truth and I'm going to tell you the truth about life. Nobody knows when they're gonna go or when they're going to stay.'</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843358/travolta-family-kelly-preston-2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/15fe78c4354b40a08661df0779387e27" /></p> <p>"Your brother [Jett] left at 16. Too young. Your mother left at 57. That was too young. But who's to say? I could die tomorrow. You could. Anybody can.</p> <p>“So let's look at it like it's part of life. You don't know exactly. You just do your best at trying to live the longest you can."</p> <p>Travolta and Preston shared three children together, including daughter Ella, 21, Ben, 10, and Jett, who died in 2009 when he was just 16 after suffering a seizure.</p>

Family & Pets

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12 rude conversation habits you need to stop ASAP

<p><strong>Interrupting people</strong></p> <p>It happens to everyone who likes chitchatting. Something pops into your head while your friend is speaking, and you interrupt them to blurt it out. Although this might happen occasionally, it’s definitely more of a rude conversation habit for many people. Emilie Dulles, who has more than 29 years of experience in traditional etiquette, says interrupting people is the most common rude conversation habit she encounters. Interrupting not only expresses a lack of interest or respect for the speaker, but it also stops people from sharing the punchline or pearl of wisdom that might come at the end of their story, according to Dulles. So always let others finish their thoughts completely unless what you have to say is extremely urgent or related to an emergency, adds Bonnie Tsai, the founder and director of Beyond Etiquette.</p> <p><strong>Overusing sarcasm</strong></p> <p>Sarcasm is a hit or miss in most conversations, especially if people don’t already know your sense of humour, according to Tsai. So always be mindful of your audience and determine if it’s the right time or place. “If you have to ask whether or not it’s appropriate, it’s most likely not,” says Tsai.</p> <p><strong>Only talking about yourself</strong></p> <p>Strictly talking about yourself while speaking with others makes you appear narcissistic and inconsiderate of other people and their feelings. “Everyone’s experience and feelings are just as important as yours,” says Tsai. “They want to be able to share their stories just like you want to share yours.” Not only is talking exclusively about yourself pompous but Julia Esteve Boyd, an international etiquette consultant based in Switzerland who travels globally, says that monopolising the conversation is just plain irritating and boring.</p> <p><strong>Scrolling while speaking</strong></p> <p>Being distracted by your phone is one of the rude conversation habits that are more popular than ever before, according to Tsai. “Our phones are great for connecting with those who are far away, however, it takes time away from those who we are with in the moment,” says Tsai. If you use your phone during a conversation, it might signal boredom, that you’d rather be elsewhere, or that whatever is happening on your phone is more essential. “The message won’t go away, but the person we are conversing with might,” says Boyd. Using your phone during a conversation is the “height of rudeness,” according to Boyd.</p> <p><strong>Always needing to be “right”</strong></p> <p>If the conversation takes turns into more of a debate, don’t worry about being “right.” Insisting on winning an argument doesn’t mean you win the fight since this kind of behaviour is rude, says Tsai. “The important thing isn’t about being right or wrong, but understanding where each other is coming from and the ability to empathise with one another without judgment,” says Tsai. “That’s how we can have more productive conversations to help us move forward and learn about one another.”</p> <p><strong>One-upping the other person</strong></p> <p>So your friend just mentioned their first-ever international trip to Italy – and all you want is to chatter away about your semester abroad in Milan. It might be a good idea to hold off. “Someone else sharing their experience with you doesn’t require you to counter with your own,” says Tsai. “They are simply sharing a personal experience with you rather than hear about how you recently had the same experience or something even better.”</p> <p><strong>Prepping your response before the end of a story</strong></p> <p>Too many people these days aren’t actually listening to a conversation intentionally. Instead, “they are waiting for their turn to speak, or in the worst cases, interrupting to get to speak right now,” says Dulles. Instead of preparing what you want to say next, Dulles suggests taking a deep breath and taking in what the other person says. After a few seconds pass, it’s your turn to speak.</p> <p><strong>Turning every conversation into gossip</strong></p> <p>Dulles says that gossip is at a new level in conversation today, thanks to social media. Not only is there less time to process information, but this also leads to comparison and envy – turning spectators into critics and gossipers in no time, according to Dulles. Whether you converse via phone or in person, the old adage holds true: If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.</p> <p><strong>Asking probing questions</strong></p> <p>Some questions are just too personal for casual or group conversations. And Boyd has to correct her clients for asking these questions that are too personal. Instead, keep all conversational topics neutral. “Talk about your culture, another culture, food, travel, wine, hobbies, local news and general family questions,” says Boyd. If other people start in with intrusive questions, you can answer them without making things awkward. For people who ask how much money you make say, “Not enough!” Or if your cousin won’t stop asking when you’re having kids say, “I don’t know, but I may need a babysitter one day, can I count on you?”</p> <p><strong>Making inappropriate comments</strong></p> <p>It’s key to be respectful of other people’s boundaries and sensitivities, regardless of gender or culture. “If you accidentally let an inappropriate comment slip, apologise, take responsibility, and use it as a teaching moment for yourself and others,” says Tsai.</p> <p><strong>Not reading the room</strong></p> <p>If there’s one thing you take away from this list of rude conversation habits, it’s the importance of reading the room. This expression is popular because it speaks to the need for self-awareness as well as the awareness of others, according to Dulles. “Your conversation topics, tone and volume need to be streamlined to the setting and the people around you,” says Dulles.</p> <p><strong>Assuming you’re a good conversationalist</strong></p> <p>There’s always room for improvement, even if you don’t think you’re guilty of these rude conversation habits. “Conversation etiquette ultimately stems from having respect and consideration for others,” says Tsai. If you aren’t sure whether or not you have any conversation habits that come off as rude, ask your close friends and family to help you out. “They can help you be aware of any quirks or habits you have when you’re spending time with others that can be perceived as inappropriate,” says Tsai. More importantly, once you know these things, you can work on them and become an even better conversationalist.</p> <p><em>Written by Emily DiNuzzo</em><em>. This article first appeared on </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/12-rude-conversation-habits-you-need-to-stop-asap?pages=1"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe"><em>here’s our best subscription offer</em></a><em>.</em></p>

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Signs you’re a conversational narcissist

<p>Showing conversational narcissism doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. (To learn more about that, watch out for these 12 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.) The term was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the tendency to turn a conversation back to yourself. A balanced dialogue should involve both sides, but conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves, so you’re getting attention but not giving any away, says licenced marriage and family therapist Kate Campbell, PhD. “It invalidates the other person and what they’re trying to share,” she says. The problem is, talking about ourselves is natural, so it’s hard to notice when you’re overdoing it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You don’t ask many questions</strong></p> <p>Asking questions gives the other person a chance to elaborate more – so conversational narcissists won’t ask them, says Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter. “If they do ask questions, they’re questions that lead back to themselves,” she says. “Things like ‘Do you know what I mean?’ ‘Did I tell you about this?’ ‘Did we see this movie?’” To be a better listener, ask follow-up questions to show interest in what the other person is saying.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You use a lot of filler phrases</strong></p> <p>Even when listening to another person, a conversational narcissist will respond mostly with fillers like “hmm” or “interesting” instead of showing any true curiosity, says Headlee. “It’s passive conversational narcissism, which is withholding attention until the attention goes back to ourselves,” she says. Make sure you’re fully engaged in a conversation, even if you can’t personally relate – your relationship will be stronger for it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’ve been talking for ages</strong></p> <p>The amount of time you’ve been talking is a major red flag that you’re showing conversational narcissism. “It becomes more of a monologue versus a dialogue,” says Dr Campbell. “You need to have a back-and-forth flow.” Make a point of being more self-aware of how long you’ve been talking. If no one else can get a word in edgewise, it’s time for you to step aside for the next speaker.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>The listeners’ eyes are glazing over</strong></p> <p>Because you care so much about what you’re talking about, sometimes it can be hard to realise that you’ve been dominating the conversation. The trick, then, is to notice subtle cues in the people you’re with. “Their body language might look uncomfortable, or they could be crossing their arms or not paying attention,” says Dr Campbell. Some might even be scrolling through their phones to avoid engaging. At that point, try to bring one of them into the conversation by mentioning something he or she would want a say in.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You wait until you’re done to ask questions</strong></p> <p>You’ve noticed you’ve been doing most of the talking in the conversation – great! That’s the first step to shutting down your own conversational narcissism. But it won’t mean much if you only say “enough about me!” at the end of your chat when everyone is getting ready to leave, you aren’t giving the other person much chance to talk. “It’s a nod to politeness … when really it’s just surface and not an honest invitation,” says Headlee. Give the others a chance to get a word in early on so you can have a balanced two-way conversation.</p> <p>One phrase Headlee says you shouldn’t let out of your mouth when someone else is dealing with a tragedy: “I know how you feel.” You might think you’re showing support, but that phrase is actually turning the conversation away from the other person’s pain and over to your own. “It shuts down that conversation,” says Headlee. “You’re saying ‘you don’t need to tell me anymore – I know how you feel.’” What that person really needs is a listening ear, she says, so encourage your friend to tell you more. No need to pretend you can’t relate, but after you share a story, bring the focus back to the other person. Try something like “I lost a parent last year too and can’t imagine what you’re going through. Is there any way I can help?”</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re constantly thinking of your next line</strong></p> <p>In contrast to a conversational narcissist, a good listener “would be listening to understand versus listening to respond or share a story,” says Dr Campbell. Instead of wracking your brain for a similar story you can add to the conversation, put the focus on the speaker. Once there’s a pause, show you genuinely want to understand by confirming what you’ve heard and allowing the person to elaborate, or ask for extra details.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re feeling awkward</strong></p> <p>Some people try to ask questions to divert focus away from themselves when they’re feeling shy, says Headlee. On the other hand, others might default to conversational narcissism, says Dr Campbell. “Especially if they’re nervous or uncomfortable socially, they go back to what they know – and that’s their own personal experiences,” she says. Try these science-backed tips for boosting self-confidence to get over your nerves.</p> <p> </p> <p><em>Written by Marissa Laliberte</em><em>. This article first appeared on </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/8-signs-youre-a-conversational-narcissist"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe"><em>here’s our best subscription offer</em></a><em>.</em></p>

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10 conversation starters that make you instantly interesting

<p><strong>1.Perfect conversation starters</strong></p> <p>Whether you’re working up the courage to talk to an attractive stranger of feeling awkward at a social or business event, the conversation topics will get you off to a winning start</p> <p><strong>2.Conversation Topic: Ask for a helping hand</strong></p> <p> “Helping questions are great conversation starters because when a person helps you it forms natural bonds. When you help another person to figure what an item is on the buffet or locate the bathroom, it lowers your defences. For example, if you’re at the supermarket, ask ‘Do you know how to tell if this fruit is ripe?’ It makes you look open to learning more and will help the conversation flow naturally.” – Dawn Maslar, MS, author of <em>Men Chase, Women Choose: The Neuroscience of Meeting, Dating, Losing Your Mind, and Finding True Love</em>.</p> <p><strong>3.Conversation Topic: Compliment something other than someone’s looks</strong></p> <p> “Instead of complimenting something generic like their eyes, highlight something that shows their personality, like their purse or a book. This is simple, elegant and great if you are interested in someone or anytime you want to boost their likeability toward you for business or social reasons.” – Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP, psychologist</p> <p><strong>4.Conversation Topic: Bring up a shared interest</strong></p> <p> “Many people think they have nothing in common with a stranger but if someone is at a supermarket, restaurant or bar they are there for a reason – one which is likely similar to yours. You’re both there so you both share a common interest. Ask questions to find out what that interest is. For instance, ask about what their experience at that venue has been like or why they chose it.” – Shannon Battle, licensed professional counsellor</p> <p><strong>5.Conversation Topic: Go simple… yet bold</strong></p> <p> “Give a genuine smile and say, ‘Hi.’ It sounds too simple but people are so used to other people staring at their phones that a simple smile and hello can be a very bold move. It shows the other person that you’ve noticed them and you’re interested in getting to know them better. And you’ll almost always get a hello back. (If you don’t, let it go. You don’t want to date a rude person anyway.)” – Suzanne Casamento, dating expert and the creator of Fantasy Dating</p> <p><strong>6.Conversation Topic: Ask for their honest opinion</strong></p> <p> “Asking ‘I’ve been really thinking deeply about something and wondering if I can share it, and get your feedback?’ shows your interest in the other person and solicits new and interesting information that is fun to discuss. Pretty much anyone will want to share their opinions with an interested party and they will think you are nice and fun to be with, as well.” – Melissa Orlov, therapist and author of <em>The Couple’s Guide to Thriving With ADHD</em>.</p> <p><strong>7.Conversation Topic: Tell a bonding joke</strong></p> <p> “Jokes work well because they are disarming and work on a biological level. If a woman laughs at a man’s joke, he feels assured that she has a level of comfort with him. For her, laughing releases oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone.’ These two things together create an opening for more conversation.” – Dawn Maslar</p> <p><strong>8.Conversation Topic: Give an out-of-the-blue compliment</strong></p> <p> “I always tell my clients to try out a compliment. It breaks the ice and these days it’s completely unexpected! You can test out doing this by just giving people walking down the street a compliment and see their reaction, most times people will give you a smile and possibly engage in more conversation. After all, who doesn’t like to be complimented?” – Stef Safran, a matchmaking and dating expert in Chicago and owner of Stef and the City.</p> <p><strong>9.Conversation Topic: Get (pop) cultured</strong></p> <p> “Make a comment or joke about something big in pop culture that most people would be familiar with – something light, NOT political. If you need ideas look at what’s trending or are hot topics on Twitter or Facebook.” – Stef Safran.</p> <p><strong>10.Conversation Topic: Ask a fake favour</strong></p> <p> “People love to help so asking for a small favour is a great conversation starter. If you don’t have a favour to ask for, just make one up. Ask the person you find attractive to help you reach something on a high shelf or hold something while you look through your wallet. At the very least you’ll end up with a fun story to tell your friends.” – Suzanne Casamento</p> <p><em>Written </em>by <em>Charlotte Hilton Andersen.</em> This<em> article first appeared in </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/37-conversation-starters-that-make-you-instantly-interesting/"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN93V"><em>here’s our best subscription offer.</em></a></p> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

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US tourist in shock after being charged more than $4215 for a single kebab platter

<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">A US tourist got the shock of her life after realising she was charged more than $4215 for a single plate of shawarma meat at a restaurant in Jerusalem.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The restaurant owners maintain that it was an honest mistake, but according to reports from </span><em><a href="https://www.thesun.co.uk/travel/9870941/tourist-charged-2000-kebab-jerusalem/"><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Sun</span></a></em><span style="font-weight: 400;">, a former employee has said it’s happened before.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Laura Ziff first brought the incident to light via a Facebook post asking if anyone knew the address of the restaurant.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“I need help please. Can someone provide the address for a restaurant right by the Jaffa gate called “Old City Shawarma (sic)”. That is the name on the receipt that I received. Also if the restaurant possibly has a different name in Hebrew.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Laura continued her story, saying that the owners had made a mistake by charging her $USD 2,900 for a single plate.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">A receipt of the transaction shows that she was charged 10,100 Israeli shekel.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Laura said that she had been in contact with the owners, who were promising a refund to her credit card since August 12</span><span style="font-weight: 400;">th</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> but hadn’t received anything so far.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The incident went viral and was covered by local media in Egypt.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">On Keshet 12’s </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Morning News</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> program, someone who claimed to work for the restaurant said it wasn’t the first time it had happened to tourists, according to </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">The Jerusalem Post</span><span style="font-weight: 400;">.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“It works like this: They don’t have a menu. They ask tourists for NIS 80 ($A33) for a shawarma platter and charge them in euros or dollars,” the former worker explained.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“Sometimes the person notices and catches it, but sometimes he gives you the credit card and then signs. He sees 80; sometimes the word ‘dollar’ doesn’t show up. It’s crazy.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">As the story unfolded, Laura continued to update and said that she had been in contact with the owners.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“I have received phone calls and texts from the business owner Hasan and his brother Adam,” Laura wrote on Facebook.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“They both apologised that the refund had not been completed and had been trying to work with their bank. I contacted my credit card company and they provided some additional information that should assist Adam in making the refund happen very quickly.”</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">On September 3</span><span style="font-weight: 400;">rd</span><span style="font-weight: 400;">, Laura had another update.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“As of this morning we spoke and he provided proof that the owners of the restaurant have contacted the bank and are in the process of refunding the money.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“I absolutely believe him. I am assuming that my next post will say that the funds are in my account and the matter is closed.”</span></p>

Travel Trouble

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There is now proof that your smart speaker is eavesdropping on your conversations

<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Amazon has confirmed that its smart speaker, the Amazon Echo – also known as “Alexa” – listens to your personal and private conversations.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The company employs thousands of workers to listen to voice recordings that are captured by the company’s Echo “smart” speakers, according to a </span><a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-04-10/is-anyone-listening-to-you-on-alexa-a-global-team-reviews-audio"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> report.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Millions across the world have been reluctant to use the device for this very reason, and it turns out that someone IS listening to their conversations.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">However, Amazon doesn’t refer to the process as eavesdropping. The company refers to it as the “Alexa voice review process” and uses it to highlight the role that humans play in training software algorithms.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“This information helps us train our speech recognition and natural language understanding systems, so Alexa can better understand your requests, and ensure the service works well for everyone,” an Amazon spokesperson said in a statement.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The audio transcribers, who are comprised of full-time employees at Amazon as well as contractors, told </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> that they reviewed “as many as 1,000 audio clips per shift”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Although some of the employees might find the work mundane, the listeners occasionally pick up on things that the person on the other end would like to remain private, such as a woman singing in her shower off-key and loudly.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The report from </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> also revealed that the more amusing (or harder to understand) voice clips get shared amongst the employees via internal chat rooms.</span></p> <p><strong>How to disable this feature</strong></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">However, disabling this feature is easy. As it’s switched on by default in the Alexa app, this is also the way you turn it off.</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Open the Alexa app on your phone.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Tap the “Menu” button on the top left of the screen.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Select “Alexa Account”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Choose “Alexa Privacy”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Select “Manage how your data improves Alexa”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Turn off the button next to “Help Develop New Features”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Turn off the button next to your name under “Use Messages to Improve Transcriptions”.</span></li> </ol> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Despite turning off the recording function for Alexa, the company told Bloomberg that its voice recordings may still be analysed as a part of Amazon’s review process.</span></p>

Technology

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6 magic phrases that can save an awkward conversation

<p><strong>1. Pay a compliment</strong></p> <p>Why is it so easy to forget someone’s name within seconds of meeting them? Because, you weren’t really listening—you were too busy thinking about what to say next. One easy way to skirt that natural selfishness and propel any conversation forward is to open with flattery. When you meet someone for the first time, 'Pay that person a compliment when repeating their name, thus helping to anchor and embed it even deeper into your memory,' says professional mentalist Oz Pearlman, who sometimes has to remember the names of hundreds of people he just met for his act. If you compliment Alyssa on her necklace, you instantly prime your brain to recall her name the next time you see that necklace, Pearlman says. 'As a bonus, everyone enjoys flattery, so that compliment can go a long way toward you being remembered as well.''</p> <p><strong>2. Ask lots of questions – good questions</strong></p> <p>Research shows that in conversations with unfamiliar people, we tend to rate the experience based on our own performance, not theirs. What’s more: the experience of talking about ourselves can be more pleasurable than food or money. So, how do you give your conversation partner the pleasure of a good conversation? Ask them questions—a lot of questions, and ones that call for more than vague one-word answers (a good rule is, if your question can be answered with “fine,” don’t ask it). Avoid work if you can; instead, ask about play—”What keeps you busy outside of work?” is a good place to start. According to Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, one question pretty much guaranteed to put someone in a positive mindset and open doors to their personality: “What has the highlight of your year been so far?” This allows the person to show you her best self and, if her highlight includes a topic you’re interested in too, may lay the groundwork for a true friendship.</p> <p><strong>3. Try to make their day better</strong></p> <p>If your conversation partner still isn’t biting, make things even easier for them by asking games researcher Jane McGonigal’s favourite question: “On a scale of one to ten, how was your day?” Anyone can think of a number between one and ten, McGonigal says, and they’re likely to elaborate on their answer as they go. But it gets even better. After they respond, ask them this: “Is there anything I can do to move you from a six to a seven (or a three to a four, etc.)?” You’d be surprised how happy this little gesture will make someone.</p> <p><strong>4. Play the sympathy card</strong></p> <p>Ready for a cheater’s way to advance a conversation? Memorize three magic words: 'that sounds hard.'  'Nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult,' entrepreneur Paul Ford wrote in his viral essay, 'How to Be Polite.' 'I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry,' Ford wrote. 'I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson.'</p> <p><strong>5. Seek their opinion</strong></p> <p>This tip has been tested by tactful US founding father, Benjamin Franklin. In his memoir, Franklin describes an 'old maxim' that helped him along in his political career: 'He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.'  In other words, if you ask someone for advice or a favour and they oblige you, they will be psychologically primed to like you and help you again (today this phenomenon is know as The Ben Franklin effect). So, if you truly want to endear yourself to a stranger and show them you value their mind, ask for their advice on something. If they give it to you, they get to feel important and valued—and you might just learn something in the process.</p> <p><strong>6. Exit gracefully</strong></p> <p>When your conversation reaches a natural conclusion, pull the trigger by saying 'I won’t keep you' or 'Give my regards to [mutual acquaintance]' before making your escape. Adam Dachis, coauthor of The Awkward Human Survival Guide, adds that context can provide you the perfect exit strategy. 'If you’re at a party, excuse yourself to get a drink; if you’re at work, you can leave to get some coffee. You can also say, ‘It’s nice talking to you, but I have to talk to someone before they leave.’'</p> <p><em>Written by Brandon Spektor. This article first appeared in </em><a href="http://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/tips/6-magic-phrases-can-save-awkward-conversation?items_per_page=All"><em>Reader’s Digest</em>.</a><em> For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN93V"><em>here’s out subscription offer.</em></a></p> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

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5 brilliant conversation hacks that you wish you knew sooner

<p>Believe it or not, conversing is hard work. You never want to say the wrong thing, and you need to come across as confident without seeming <em>too </em>confident. For many, the idea of engaging in small talk is terrifying, but thanks to a thread on <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">Reddit</a></span>, users shared their best psychological tricks they use when having to engage in a conversation.</p> <p>Here are five useful hacks:</p> <p><strong>1. If you want to accept an apology</strong></p> <p>“Don’t say, 'It's OK,' when someone apologises. Say something like, 'Thank you for apologising.'</p> <p>“If someone needs to apologise to you, then it was for something that wasn't OK. My mom teaches this to her kindergarteners, and it really does make a difference. It opens the door for growth and conversation, too. 'Thank you for apologising, I don’t like it when you hit me.'"</p> <p>– <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a">katiebugdisney</a></span></p> <p><strong>2. How to win any argument</strong></p> <p>"In an argument, find something to agree on then push your main point."</p> <p> – <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">bobvella</a></span></p> <p><strong>3. If you want to get the truth out</strong></p> <p>"Listening to someone without giving advice or pushing for more information typically gets me more information than being pushy for it."</p> <p>– <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">Drewby5</a></span></p> <p><strong>4. The secret behind a successful marriage</strong></p> <p>"When I do something annoying or bothersome to my husband and he goes quiet, I wait a few minutes and then I ask him a seemingly innocent question, usually on the subject of how certain parts of a car works, or something mechanical. This gets him talking about the car thing and he rambles for like 5 minutes and then bam! He’s happy again and not quietly brooding."</p> <p>– <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eer5pzn">alskdjfhgtk</a> </p> <p><strong>5. How to deal with a distressing situation</strong></p> <p>"If you need to deescalate someone and get them to communicate, try asking questions about numbers/personal information (I work in emergency services). If someone is totally distraught and shut down, asking their phone number/address/birthdate can pull them out of the emotional place and bring them back to a headspace where they can talk about what happened more easily. I often ask these questions even after I have the information, just to deescalate."</p> <p>– <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeqvaeh">Orpheus91</a></p> <p>Will you be using any of these conversation hacks? Or maybe you have some of your own? Let us know in the comments below.</p>

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Inside the farm shed converted into a luxury rural retreat

<p>At a glance this farm machinery shed might not look like the most comfortable type of accommodation for a holiday in the Kangaroo Valley in NSW, Australia.</p> <p>But a glance at the interior in the gallery above will show you otherwise.</p> <p>Set in a picturesque region, this <a href="https://www.airbnb.com.au/rooms/2479538/?af=61160407&amp;c=apac_au_over60_shed" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">beautiful, eco-accredited property</span></strong></a> is the perfect venue for a getaway with family and friends, or even larger celebrations.</p> <p>Using recycled and reclaimed materials, this farm machinery shed has been creatively transformed into the perfect B&amp;B with three luxurious bedrooms. The owners have also installed a wood fire, dining space, fully equipped kitchen, outdoor entertaining/dining space, pizza oven and BBQ to cater for all your entertaining needs.</p> <p>Set amongst permaculture gardens, this <a href="https://www.airbnb.com.au/rooms/2479538/?af=61160407&amp;c=apac_au_over60_shed" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">farm shed offers seclusion and privacy</span></strong></a> in the Kangaroo Valley, but it’s just 10 minutes from the town centre so you won’t feel isolated.</p> <p>Kangaroo Valley is one of the most picturesque regions of Australia and you will love exploring the area for accommodation that is truly unique.</p> <p>To find out more or book the converted shed, <a href="https://www.airbnb.com.au/rooms/2479538/?af=61160407&amp;c=apac_au_over60_shed" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">click here</span></strong></a>.</p> <p>Even if you’re not headed to the Kangaroo Valley any time soon, make sure you scroll through the gallery above to see just how incredible these properties are.</p> <p>Have you ever visited the Kangaroo Valley before? Do you have a holiday on the cards, and if so where are you planning to go?</p> <p>Please share your story in the comments.</p> <p><a href="https://www.airbnb.com/?af=61160407&amp;c=apac_au_over60" target="_blank"><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Whether you want to make money by renting your place or to find affordable accommodation options and stretch your travel budget further, head over to Airbnb now and have a look around.</span></em></strong></a></p> <p><strong>Related links:</strong></p> <p><a href="/travel/accommodation/2016/07/cosiest-winter-retreats-in-the-blue-mountains/"><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Cosiest winter retreats in the Blue Mountains</span></em></strong></a></p> <p><a href="/travel/accommodation/2016/07/converted-bakery-in-kangaroo-valley/"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em><strong>Stay in a converted bakery in the heart of Kangaroo Valley</strong></em></span></a></p> <p><a href="/travel/accommodation/2016/06/french-gypsy-wagon-transformed-into-luxury-cottage/"><strong><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">French gypsy wagon transformed into luxury cottage</span></em></strong></a></p>

International Travel

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10 essential tips for making better conversation

<p><em><strong>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</strong></em></p> <p>You and your partner are having a quiet dinner at home, but perhaps you are finding it a bit too quiet. Although you don't feel that communication has ever been an issue for you, it seems that lately you’ve run out of fresh things to say. Or perhaps you’re sharing a commute with your carpool buddy, and the minutes seem to be dragging on without any new topics to cover. The ride goes much faster when you can enjoy a good chat, but now you just can’t wait to arrive at your destination. Not knowing what to talk about can also affect you in social situations, such as an office party or a neighbourhood get-together. You’re in the corner with a co-worker or person from down the street, and just keep coming up short when the conversation switches to you.</p> <p>In a new study published by Joshy Jacob Vazhappilly and Marc Reyes (2017) of the University of Santo Tomas (Manila), the efficacy of an intervention designed to help distressed marital partners learn to communicate better was evaluated. Although applied in a treatment situation, their “Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program (ECCP)” could have broader applicability to any situation in which you find yourself unable to communicate in ways consistent with your wishes. In couples, as they point out, “healthy communication nurtures human relationship."</p> <p>ECCP trains couples over the course of a nine-module series. Some modules include training partners to listen with empathy (“with giraffe’s ears”), meaning to listen without judgment and to take criticism “jovially.” Other modules train couples to be genuine and truthful in turn, and to avoid “should-talks.” As they get further into the training, couples “use a new language of loving relationship of understanding and accepting.” Vazhappilly and Reyes evaluated the intervention’s efficacy on the marital satisfaction and communication scores of 32 Indian couples. There was no control group, but over the course of the five-week training, couples showed significant improvement on these two outcome measures.</p> <p>You may not feel you need such an intervention to get along better with your carpool partner, but the basic principles of ECCP could prove translatable to a variety of situations involving communication, particularly when you feel stuck. With these findings in mind, let’s take a look at 10 ways that you can become a better communicator when your conversations hit a bump in the road.</p> <p><strong>1. Listen to what the other person is saying</strong></p> <p>If you’re <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201712/easy-ways-tell-whether-you-re-inadvertent-narcissist" target="_blank">too focused on what you should say next,</a></strong></span> you’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of you. These could be areas of similarity between you and a person you’ve just met (such as having the same birthday), or lead-ins that your spouse provides which give you an opportunity to find out more. Either way, you’ll seem like someone who really has an interest in the other person, and you’ll also come up with further conversation topics.</p> <p><strong>2. Express yourself openly and honestly</strong></p> <p>People can sniff out insincerity pretty well, and if you’re covering up, they’ll feel less like confiding in you.</p> <p><strong>3. Avoid making judgments</strong></p> <p>No matter whether the person you’re talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like confiding in you.</p> <p><strong>4. Look for obvious cues as conversation jumping-off points</strong></p> <p>People you don’t know that well may reveal features about their interests or background just by what they’re wearing. Someone wearing clothes with sport team logos gives you the opportunity to ask about their fan allegiance, which can make for interesting conversation if the team is from another city or country. Unusual or particularly artistic jewellery is another conversation-starter.</p> <p><strong>5. Stay on top of the news, and store some of it away so that you can chat about it later</strong></p> <p>You might not want to get into a serious political discussion with someone you hardly know, but some events from the national or local news can present interesting titbits. There certainly is plenty going on to provide rich fodder for conversation, as long as you steer clear of particularly sensitive topics.</p> <p><strong>6. Come up with an agenda</strong></p> <p>Just as meetings run more smoothly with a predetermined set of topics, your social conversations could benefit by similar planning. If you know you’ll be in the car with your carpool partner for an hour, think of three or four things you think would be fun to kick around. Similarly, with your romantic partner, planning a list of items you can cover at dinner could also keep the conversation alive.</p> <p><strong>7. Don’t be scared by silence</strong></p> <p>A quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’ve become uninteresting. Sometimes a little break can give each of you a chance to refocus.</p> <p><strong>8. Note whether the other person would like to break off the conversation</strong></p> <p>To be a better conversation partner, you sometimes need to know when to close as well as to open. If people sense that you don’t know when to stop talking, whether it’s saying goodbye at the door or letting your partner get on to other tasks around the house, they’ll tend to stay away from getting entangled in what they’ll perceive as a tedious interaction.</p> <p><strong>9. Be careful about making jokes that will be perceived as insensitive</strong></p> <p>You and your partner likely have a somewhat broader range of potentially offensive topics that you can openly discuss than would you would with someone you hardly know. It’s much harder to back off from an unfortunate comment with people who aren't your closest friends or family members.</p> <p><strong>10. Use conversations with new people as practice for improving your skills</strong></p> <p>The ECCP intervention was focused on married couples, but its principles can be translated to a variety of less intense situations. Let’s say you’re seated next to someone you’ve never met at a dinner for supporters of a local cause. The chances are good that you already have things in common, so make it your goal to find out what they are, and let the conversation evolve around these solid talking points. Honing your abilities in this way will give you greater confidence to help other conversations flow in the future.</p> <p>Being able to keep the conversation going can certainly build the bonds between you and the people you care about the most. And if you’re trying to have an enjoyable evening with someone you’ve just met, these primers may lead to surprising outcomes that can broaden your fulfillment in unexpected ways.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today</span></strong></a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Conversations I have with my palliative care patients

<p><em><strong>Dr Matthew Grant is a Palliative Medicine Physician and Research Fellow at Monash University.</strong></em></p> <p>When I introduce myself to a patient as a palliative care doctor, the question that often follows is: “Am I dying?”</p> <p>I guess in one sense we’re all dying. In this case, though, the question implies an immediacy. Yet working in palliative care involves surprisingly little immediate dying.</p> <p>Yes we work with people who have incurable illnesses, but their prognoses vary between weeks, months and even years. And we see other patients potentially being cured but who experience significant side effects from treatment.</p> <p>Our team works in clinics, in the hospital, out in the community, at the chemotherapy centre, and in our palliative care or hospice units.</p> <p>Here is a snapshot of the conversations I have in a working day, and they involve discussions of life far more than they do death.</p> <p><strong>Keith</strong></p> <p>Keith visits the clinic every two months. “Hey Doc, I ain’t carked it yet. Bloody cancer is lazy.”</p> <p>“The cancer must be waiting for the Tigers to win the premiership,” I reply.</p> <p>Keith is in his late 70s and describes himself as having “a good and slightly mischievous life”. He has colon cancer, which has spread to his liver and lungs.</p> <p>Initially, he had chemotherapy but experienced significant side effects requiring two hospitalisations. He then decided the most important thing was enjoying time with friends, family and his two dogs, so he opted to cease chemotherapy.</p> <p>Our palliative care team saw him on his second visit to hospital to address his pain. Keith visits the clinic every two months to manage his appetite and fatigue, and discuss progress and his choices for the future.</p> <p>“While I feel good, let me be. When I’m not, let me go,” he’s said to me.</p> <p>As a doctor, knowing what people want is of vital importance. And these discussions are valuable for us to gather the kind of information we need to know exactly what treatments to provide for that person.</p> <p>Family members <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.bmj.com/content/340/bmj.c1345" target="_blank">report less distress</a></strong></span> when they know what kinds of treatments their loved one wants – as they aren’t shouldered with the burden of making difficult decisions at emotional times.</p> <p>Advance care plans, which set out the patient’s preferences, are invaluable in this instance for both family members and doctors. Their value is in allowing that person the agency of control, especially when their life is not being dictated on their own terms.</p> <p>Keith will die, maybe in two months, maybe in ten. The conversation today is not about that though. Right now, Keith struggles with fatigue and poor appetite, which we discuss in detail. “I feel OK at the moment and can deal with feeling a bit crappy at times, especially with having all the family around.”</p> <p>Keith discusses his love for his children and Richmond’s forward line. We talk about some ideas for his appetite and organise prescriptions for an upcoming holiday with his wife.</p> <p><strong>Christos</strong></p> <p>Christos breathes deeply on his way to the chair. Greetings wait until he has had time to catch his breath.</p> <p>“How are you, Chris?” I ask.</p> <p>“Well, I ain’t done much since I saw you last month. But no visits to hospital, so not all bad. Still feel crap though.”</p> <p>Chris has been a heavy smoker since the age of 14. He is now 58 and struggles to walk 20 metres or dress himself. He lives alone in a nearby council flat, which he rarely leaves. Life is a constant struggle.</p> <p>He has end-stage lung disease from smoking and is a frequent visitor to the emergency department during infections. He visits our clinic monthly to manage his breathing and anxiety and to organise home nursing support, all of which <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://erj.ersjournals.com/content/32/3/796" target="_blank">can improve his quality of life</a></strong></span>.</p> <p>Chris is not dying. We expect he will have further lung infections in the near future, which he may survive, or he may die from.</p> <p>“My sister keeps giving me grief about smoking. I have told her my lungs are already stuffed, so what’s it going to matter? Do you reckon I should quit?” Chris asks.</p> <p>“It depends on what you want,” I answer. “Quitting might slow down the process of your lungs deteriorating, but it probably isn’t going to make your breathing much better.”</p> <p>“So I will live longer?”</p> <p>“Yeah, it might make you live longer, but you will be living like you are now.”</p> <p>“Bugger that!” Chris exclaims. “I can barely look after myself now. Why would I want to extend that?”</p> <p>“Do you enjoy smoking?” I ask. Smoking is Chris’s choice, and it may give him pleasure in the short time he may have left.</p> <p>“Well, yeah, I do. I know it’s going to kill me, but at least it’s my choice to do it.”</p> <p><strong>Sharon</strong></p> <p>Sharon is in her late 40s and has spent much of the last few months in and out of hospital. For most of the last decade she has been “fighting” metastatic breast cancer, which continues to progress despite trying every available treatment.</p> <p>As a consequence of chemotherapy she suffers from severe heart failure, causing her to be profoundly fatigued.</p> <p>“I am feeling so much better today; definitely will be going home tomorrow,” she states as I enter the hospital room. “If I keep getting stronger we can hopefully look at another chemo or a trial in a few weeks.”</p> <p>“Great to hear you are feeling better, Sharon. How are the family?” I ask.</p> <p>I have met Sharon’s husband and two teenage children a number of times. They are struggling to keep their lives together while having a wife and mum who is deteriorating. They know she is dying, but feel unable to talk to her about it.</p> <p>I have talked to Sharon’s oncologist, who has discussed with her there are not any more treatment options for her cancer. Right now, Sharon struggles to get out of bed. Further chemotherapy is likely to make her very unwell or even cause her death.</p> <p>Balancing these hopes with realities is immensely difficult. It would be cruel to destroy hope, but it would be equally cruel to pretend everything would be just fine.</p> <p>“What are your thoughts if there aren’t any more chemo options?” I ask.</p> <p>“I’m going to keep fighting. That is who I am. I’m going to keep getting stronger and beat this thing for my kids,” she replies.</p> <p>“Good on you, Sharon, let’s focus on that. Some people might want to also discuss their plans if things don’t go so well. Is that something you might want to chat about?”</p> <p>“No thanks, not for today. Today is a good day.”</p> <p><strong>Reflections</strong></p> <p>These are interactions dealing with the most difficult of topics, our own mortality. The most important aspect of these conversations is understanding what that person wants, now and in the future. And, to be honest, I wouldn’t know what I would want were I in their shoes.</p> <p>I can’t presume to know for them, nor should we as health professionals try. I don’t know what it is to struggle constantly for each breath, or to want another hour with my children.</p> <p>We may be able to answer conclusively that further chemotherapy or cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/article-abstract/2301381" target="_blank">will not help Sharon</a></strong></span>. But in her situation she might cling to any chance that would mean spending more time with her family. “Fighting” may be a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://search.proquest.com/openview/58173787e55bb1afd558ac63e7ec0ab7/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&amp;cbl=38461" target="_blank">coping mechanism</a></strong></span> for many, especially when they may see no way out.</p> <p>Not everyone will feel comfortable talking about their future treatment plans like Keith. It’s important I allow Sharon to decide whether or not she wants to talk about a future where she dies, just as I shouldn’t necessarily dissuade Christos from smoking if it gives him pleasure.</p> <p>Engaging in these conversations is the most important part of my job. Some people do not want to discuss what might be impending, while others may make decisions we might consider foolhardy. That is their choice.</p> <p><em>Written by Matthew Grant. Republished with permission of <a href="http://theconversation.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">The Conversation</span></strong></a>. </em><img width="1" height="1" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/82247/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-advanced" alt="The Conversation"/></p>

Caring

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How to navigate difficult conversations at Christmas lunch

<p>Christmas is often a time when family comes together that may not see each other all that often. For this reason it’s often a time for having difficult conversations to flare up (or need to be brought up).</p> <p>Whether it’s differing political views, financial woes or needing to arrange care for an elderly relative – these difficult conversations can be just plain hard.</p> <p>How do you bring up the issues without offending or upsetting everybody? Follow our tips to navigate the waters safely.</p> <p>There tend to be three types of conversations that can come up over the festive season when family comes together. There are those that are best avoided (‘So I hope everybody voted in the same way as me in the same sex marriage plebiscite?’); those that you need to have but find it tricky to bring up; and then those that arise naturally in the course of the season that need to be dealt with.</p> <p><strong>1. Conversations to avoid</strong></p> <p>Politics, religion, war – whatever sets your family members’ temperature on fire is best left away from the Christmas meal. If you’re the host, let people know upfront that you have a few ‘house rules’ and that these topics are off limits. Then you can quickly interject with a ‘not at my table!’ if any discussions start up that you know could end badly. If you’re not the host, you can always steer the conversation away by saying ‘I think this conversation is not suitable for the table, let’s shelve it for now.’</p> <p><strong>2. Conversations to plan for</strong></p> <p>Sometimes there are things that need to be discussed, such as making medical or care-based decisions for a sick or elderly relative. In this instance, it’s best arranged for a specific time post Christmas where the relevant parties (not the whole extended family) can get together in a calm space to talk. These are not the chats to have while carving the turkey, they are private and should be planned for in that manner. Again it’s a matter of interjecting if the topic comes up in the wrong space. Grandkids don’t need to be present while great aunt Josephine’s nursing home options are discussed, or when someone takes issue with their long-lost cousin’s will.</p> <p><strong>3. Conversations to deal with</strong></p> <p>Often the heightened emotion of an extended family coming together (and more often than not, alcohol) can bring up new or old issues that need to be dealt with. For instance a relative may feel comfortable enough to share with the group that they have been battling with depression or financial stress. In this instance, if appropriate, suggest taking the conversation somewhere private or arrange a time to have a proper discussion without any distractions. People often just want to feel as though someone is willing to listen to them, so they will most likely appreciate the fact that you care enough to discuss it while respecting their privacy.</p> <p>Have you had to deal with some tough conversations across the Christmas table? We would love to hear how you resolved the issues with your family. Please share in the comments.</p>

Relationships

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The Queen's secret weapon for getting out of conversations

<p><span>The Queen has a schedule that is jampacked with social engagements that even the best chatterbox could feel a little tired sometimes.</span></p> <p><span>To help her out when the conversation gets awkward when she is hosting guests, the Queen has a trick that she is reported to use time and time again.</span></p> <p><span>According to </span><em><span>The Express</span></em><span>, the Queen’s method is known as the “dog mechanism” to members of her family and involves Her Majesty ducking her head under the table to feed her dogs.</span></p> <p><span>If the Queen needs an escape from the dinner conversation, she ducks her head under the table and no one thinks anything of it because she is known to love her corgis.</span></p> <p><span>The Queen’s corgis are known to be treated to a very lavish life at Buckingham Palace and they are reportedly served fish, steak, rabbit or chicken for dinner.</span></p> <p><span>In an interview with </span><em><span>Town &amp; Country</span></em><span> magazine, Dr Roger Mugford revealed how dinner is served to the Queen’s dogs.</span></p> <p><span>“At feeding times, each dog had an individually designed menu, including an array of homeopathic and herbal remedies.</span></p> <p><span>“Their food was served by a butler in an eclectic collection of battered silver and porcelain dishes.</span></p> <p><span>“As I watched, the Queen got the corgis to sit in a semi-circle around her, and then fed them one by one, in order of seniority. The others just sat and patiently waited their turn.”</span></p>

Mind

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Travellers warned about currency conversion swindle

<p>A travel trend has descended on Europe. It's worse than selfie sticks. It's worse than drone photography. Like a pickpocket at a train station it pretends to be your helpful travel guide before leaving you a few euros short.</p> <p>It's called Dynamic Currency Conversion (DCC), and despite its off-putting name it can butter up unsuspecting tourists when they come to pay their bills.</p> <p>You've probably been one of them.</p> <p>Picture this: you're finishing up dinner at a Parisian brasserie or pizza parlour in Naples, you hand over your debit or credit card and the friendly waiter asks if you'd like to pay in your home currency used on the card – dollars – or euros (or whatever the local currency is). So helpful, right?</p> <p>Travel budgets are hard enough to manage (especially after a few drinks at dinner) and then along comes this offer to convert your meal bill into simple New Zealand dollars at the point of sale to help you track you spending. Do not do it.</p> <p>This is Dynamic Currency Conversion. The exchange rate applied to convert your dinner bill (or new shoes, or souvenirs) is the worst currency conversion rate going and the merchant is offering you the "convenience" at the point of sale not from the good of their heart, but because they earn a small commission for on-selling this service.</p> <p>Offering a conversion rate of €0.58 to the dollar instead of your bank's €0.63 may not sound like much of a margin, but over a month-long jaunt to Europe that could see you losing out hundreds while the merchants cream it.</p> <p>You wouldn't be  alone in opting for this cheeky convenience - one in five travellers fall victim to this pushy trick, according to currency company FairFX.</p> <p>Although now common throughout Europe and elsewhere, the mark-up charged varies a lot depending on the shop or restaurant, your credit card firm, the DCC operator and the payment gateway being used. Since the merchant is getting a slice of the action, suddenly it makes sense why they are suddenly worried about your convenience and ability to track your holiday spending. Yeah, right.</p> <p>Several shop assistants and restaurant staff have been rather too forward in offering this service, making the assumption that I, the customer, would much rather pay in my home currency and present the bill already converted when handing me the card payment terminal.</p> <p>Like an over-cooked steak, send it back. Do the same if asked when using a foreign ATM to withdraw cash, because to choose   the convenience for knowing exactly how many dollars will come out of your home bank account will only mean that more will be deducted.</p> <p>And in case you're feeling smug because you think your pre-paid, pre-loaded travel debit card protects you – that's not always the case. You will still be offered the service and if you accept (or don't decline the converted rate that appears before you on the terminal) it will still deduct the agreed dollar equivalent from your pre-paid account, even if you have pre-loaded local currencies. Sound complex? It's meant to.</p> <p>To win the war on confusing currencies: just say no.</p> <p><em>Written by Josh Martin. First appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Stuff.co.nz</span></strong></a>. </em></p>

Travel Tips

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Use this easy trick to avoid awkward conversations

<p>Let’s face it, meeting new people isn’t always easy. Making a good first impression is crucial, but if you struggle to connect to the person, chances are you won’t. So, if you want to save yourself from awkward situations at your next dinner party, there’s a simple trick you can try – the three question rule.</p> <p>Leadership and management advisor Justin Greis came up with the rule after one too many frustrating conversations that seemed to go nowhere – that is, where person A asks the person B a question just so person A can then talk about themselves – something that usually proves completely uninteresting for person B.</p> <p>For example, Robert and Kate have just met at a mutual friend’s dinner party on a Friday night. Here’s how their conversation is going.</p> <ul> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> What are your plans this weekend?</li> <li><strong>Kate:</strong> I’m hosting a barbecue on Sunday, so I’ll be getting everything prepared tomorrow.</li> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> That sounds fun. I’m meeting up with my old work friends tomorrow and we’re going to see our favourite band. I haven’t seen them in years. One of them, Mark, lives in Melbourne now. He flew up yesterday with his wife. Then there’s James… [etc., etc.]</li> </ul> <p>The three question rule prevents this type of one-sided conversation from happening, forcing the asker to really listen to the person they’re talking to. “The rule states that you must ask the person with whom you are engaging in a conversation at least three questions before you think about turning the topic of conversation to yourself,” Greis <a href="https://theartofadvice.com/2014/03/12/the-rule-of-three-questions/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">explains</span></strong></a>. “In doing so, you really let the person know you are interested, you care and – most importantly – you are listening.”</p> <p>So, with this in mind, let’s go back to Robert and Kate and see how much easier the conversation would flow using the three-question rule.</p> <ul> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> What are your plans this weekend? [QUESTION 1]</li> <li><strong>Kate:</strong> I’m hosting a barbecue on Sunday, so I’ll be getting everything prepared tomorrow.</li> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> That’ll be good, I hear it’s going to be great weather. What’s the occasion? [QUESTION 2]</li> <li><strong>Kate:</strong> My birthday. It’s a big one… but I’ll keep the number to myself. I’ve got lots of friends and family coming from back home, it’ll be great to see them.</li> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> I bet! Where are you originally from? [QUESTION 3]</li> <li><strong>Kate:</strong> New Zealand, so most of them are making quite a bit of effort to come. I’ll have to make it up to them with lots of expensive wine, I think…</li> <li><strong>Robert:</strong> I’m sure they wouldn’t object! I’ve got some old mates flying up this weekend, too. We’re going to see our favourite band…</li> </ul> <p>You’ll notice the second conversation is a lot less one-sided. The rule takes a bit of practice, but once you’ve mastered it, you’ll become a much better listener and find it easier to connect with people.</p> <p>Tell us in the comments below, what tips do you have for making a good first impression?</p>

Relationships

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5 tips to make difficult conversations easier

<p>There are moments in each of our lives when we must confront a sticky issue head-on by sitting down with someone and having a difficult conversation. Having to bring up uncomfortable topics can be awkward at best, and downright unpleasant – especially depending upon the way you approach the talk. Whether the other person is a colleague, a friend, a partner, or a family member, the difficulty of these moments can be scaled back by being prepared in advance. You might not be able to control the other person, but the way you behave can help ease tension and set the tone for a productive conversation. Here are some tips to help you.</p> <p><strong>1. Preparation helps</strong></p> <p>When you’re getting ready for a difficult conversation, proper preparation is vital to ensure things go as smoothly as possible. Take at least a few minutes to jot down your thoughts and feelings. By going over your own feelings and forcing yourself to write them down, you’ll have a better understanding of your own point of view during the conversation, and will be better equipped to keep emotions at arm’s length.</p> <p><strong>2. Set a goal</strong></p> <p>There’s no point asking someone to join you for a difficult conversation if you don’t know what you expect to happen when all is said and done. While you’re preparing, it’s a good idea to think about what a perfect outcome from your perspective would be. Is it an apology from the other person? Is it an agreement to work better together in the future? Is it them returning the money they owe you? Having a firm idea of what you want will help you steer the conversation if things get out-of-hand.</p> <p><strong>3. Stay open</strong></p> <p>Remember when you approach the conversation that it will involve another person who will come to the table with their own set of ideas, emotions, and goals. You must be open to hearing that person and doing your best to empathise with them. If you’re not willing to be open to this person, then you’re not ready for a difficult conversation. Allow yourself some flexibility in your arguments and your goals – a compromise might be the best solution for everyone.</p> <p><strong>4. Let your emotions out</strong></p> <p>Do not bottle up your emotions. When you’re having a difficult conversation, it can be tempting to allow anger or frustration to bubble away under the surface until it bursts forth in our words or actions. If, during your talk, you feel a strong emotion, vocalise it to the other person. Saying, “I’m feeling angry”, or, “hearing that makes me sad” can be a powerful way to show honesty and vulnerability, which can help create a safe environment.</p> <p><strong>5. Follow up</strong></p> <p>Don’t let a difficult conversation be the last time you speak with a person for weeks. In the days after the talk, reach out to check in and see how they’re feeling about what was said and/or agreed upon. Perhaps they’ve had time to consider things and would like to continue the conversation, or perhaps they’ve got a better handle on their feelings now. Whatever the case, it won’t hurt to check in and say hello.</p> <p>What’s your best tip for having a difficult conversation? Share it with us in the comments below.</p>

Relationships