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What is a relationship ‘boundary’? And how do I have the boundary conversation with my partner?

<p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p>Text messages showing actor Jonah Hill asking his ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady to consider a dot point list of relationship “boundaries” have sparked an important conversation.</p> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet"> <p dir="ltr" lang="en">Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady accuses him of emotional abuse.</p> <p>🔗: <a href="https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT">https://t.co/LwSnkpnehT</a> <a href="https://t.co/3B6I86uwNV">pic.twitter.com/3B6I86uwNV</a></p> <p>— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) <a href="https://twitter.com/PopCrave/status/1677755077249859586?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">July 8, 2023</a></p></blockquote> <p>Two different interpretations of these texts are dominating the discussion.</p> <p>Some have understood Hill’s dot points as a reasonable set of relationship expectations or “preferences” for a partner. Others see Hill’s list of relationship deal-breakers as a controlling behaviour.</p> <p>So what is a relationship “boundary” and how do you have this conversation with your partner?</p> <h2>What are relationship boundaries?</h2> <p>Boundaries are personal and influenced by one’s values. They can be emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and cultural.</p> <p>The purpose of creating, understanding and respecting boundaries is to ensure one’s mental health and well-being are protected. Used well, they can keep relationships healthy and safe.</p> <p>Setting boundaries can also reinforce values and priorities important to you.</p> <h2>Some ‘boundaries’ are controlling and go too far</h2> <p>That said, relationship boundaries can become unsafe for the people involved. Some cross the line into coercive control.</p> <p>For instance, one might be able to justify to themselves they need to know where their partner is at all times, monitor their communications and keep tabs on their partner’s friendships because they just want to keep their partner safe.</p> <p>But these are not boundaries; this is coercive control.</p> <p>If your partner is describing these as their relationship boundaries, you should feel comfortable to say you are not OK with it. You should also feel comfortable explaining what boundaries you need to set for yourself and your relationship to feel safe.</p> <p>In fact, <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01639625.2017.1304801">research</a> has found that even cyberstalking offenders might struggle to acknowledge how their behaviour can be perceived as intrusive by their partner. They may also have trouble understanding how it contributed to their break-up.</p> <p>My research on how people can sabotage their own relationships revealed a <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s40359-021-00644-0#Tab1">lack of relationship skills</a> is often a key factor in relationship issues.</p> <p>The same <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-relationships-research/article/abs/defining-romantic-selfsabotage-a-thematic-analysis-of-interviews-with-practising-psychologists/35531B41927851905281C7D815FE4199">research</a> highlighted how people who fear their relationship is at risk can end up indulging in controlling behaviours such as partner monitoring, tracking how a partner spends their money and emotional manipulation.</p> <p>In other words, people can sometimes employ unhealthy behaviours with the intention of keeping their partner but end up pushing them away.</p> <h2>Understanding partner and relationship expectations</h2> <p>We might have a vision in mind of an “<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.91.4.662">ideal partner</a>”. But it’s highly improbable one person can ever meet such high standards.</p> <p>Rigid partner and relationship standards, just like unreasonable boundaries, can cause distress, hopelessness and resentment.</p> <p>So healthy romantic relationships need clear communication and negotiation. Sometimes, that involves being flexible and open to hearing what the other person has to say about your proposed boundaries.</p> <p>Relationship boundaries are a life skill that needs constant learning, practice and improvement.</p> <h2>Having a conversation about healthy relationship boundaries</h2> <p>Some mistakenly believe having any relationship boundaries at all is unreasonable or a form of abuse. That’s not the case.</p> <p>In my <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15332691.2020.1795039">research</a> on relationship sabotage, many people spoke about how being able to clearly communicate and set relationship expectations has helped them maintain their relationships over the long term and dispel <a href="https://scholarworks.uni.edu/facpub/1397/">unrealistic</a> standards.</p> <p>Communicating expectations can also help people deal with common relationship fears, such as getting hurt, being rejected and feeling disrespected.</p> <p>But for an important conversation about boundaries to take place, you first need the environment for an open, honest and trusting discussion.</p> <p>Partners should feel they can talk freely and without fear about what they are comfortable with in a relationship. And, be able to discuss how they feel about a boundary their partner has proposed.</p> <h2>Clarify and discuss</h2> <p>If you’re having the boundary conversation with your partner, clarify what you mean by your boundary request and how it might work in practice. Examples can help. Understanding the nuances can help your partner decide if your boundary request is reasonable or unreasonable for them.</p> <p>Second, negotiate which boundaries are hard and which are soft. This will involve flexibility and care, so you’re not undermining your or your partner’s, freedom, mental health and wellbeing. A hard boundary is non-negotiable and can determine the fate of the relationship. A soft boundary can be modified, as long as all parties agree.</p> <p>What constitutes a healthy boundary is different for each individual and each relationship.</p> <p>Regardless, it is a conversation best had in person, not by text message (which can easily be taken out of context and misunderstood). If you really must have the discussion over text, be specific and clarify.</p> <p>Before setting boundaries, seek insight into what you want for yourself and your relationship and communicate with your partner openly and honestly. If you’re fearful about how they’ll react to the discussion, that’s an issue.</p> <p>An open and honest approach can foster a productive collaboration that can strengthen relationship commitment.<!-- Below is The Conversation's page counter tag. Please DO NOT REMOVE. --><img style="border: none !important; box-shadow: none !important; margin: 0 !important; max-height: 1px !important; max-width: 1px !important; min-height: 1px !important; min-width: 1px !important; opacity: 0 !important; outline: none !important; padding: 0 !important;" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/209856/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation" width="1" height="1" /><!-- End of code. If you don't see any code above, please get new code from the Advanced tab after you click the republish button. The page counter does not collect any personal data. More info: https://theconversation.com/republishing-guidelines --></p> <p><em><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/raquel-peel-368041">Raquel Peel</a>, Adjunct Senior Lecturer, University of Southern Queensland and Senior Lecturer, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/rmit-university-1063">RMIT University</a></em></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-relationship-boundary-and-how-do-i-have-the-boundary-conversation-with-my-partner-209856">original article</a>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Essential money conversations retirees should have with family

<p>Discussions about funding retirement, aged care and inheritances may be uncomfortable. However, not having them risks your wishes going unmet and family conflicts where details aren’t clear. </p> <p>Hence having discussions about money while you are able to is one of the best (and cheapest!) investments you can make – for both you and your family.</p> <p>Precisely what those discussions entail will depend on your circumstances – and theirs. Yet many points apply almost universally:</p> <p><strong>What matters to you</strong></p> <p>Even the best laid plans mean nothing if those responsible for enacting them don’t know what they are or understand your reasoning behind them.</p> <p>Your will provides a legal overview of who gets what upon your death, while nominated beneficiaries determine how assets are divided from superannuation and some other structures.</p> <p>A separate letter of wishes can informally share your wishes, covering more than just legalities. Sharing this before your death allows family to clarify your wishes and ask questions. </p> <p><em>Go through:</em></p> <ul> <li>How your money should be managed now and longer term (e.g., you may want money set aside for grandchildren’s education, or have instructions for a dependent’s ongoing care).</li> <li>Funeral arrangements; cremation or burial; where you will be laid to rest.</li> <li>Plans for anyone other than direct family, charities etc.</li> <li>Any non-negotiables among your wishes.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Partner protections</strong></p> <p>Ensure your partner knows how they will be looked after if they outlive you. Similarly, your kids should know what if any support they will need to provide – especially important for blended families. </p> <p>Where beneficiaries have divorced/separated, will you exclude their ex from your estate? Are your records updated to reflect this?</p> <p>Ensure everyone knows the difference between joint tenants and tenants in common for property owners – only one automatically leaves your share of the property to your co-owner. </p> <p><strong>Health matters</strong></p> <p>How do you want to be looked after in your final years? Don’t assume your loved ones already know everything.</p> <p>Communicate your wishes, small and large – medications, dietary requirements, retirement living, palliative care, resuscitation.</p> <p>Discuss whether power of attorney and enduring guardianship are needed should you be unable to make decisions over your health and finances (e.g., due to dementia or stroke), and who will assume those responsibilities.</p> <p><strong>Family legacy</strong></p> <p>Consider the legacy you want to leave and whether this aligns with your family’s expectations.</p> <p>Is dividing assets equally among your children really fair if one is well-off while another struggles or has complex needs? </p> <p>Do your plans on inheritance unwittingly create headaches for the recipients – such as leaving property to someone who cannot afford to maintain it, or tax liabilities that eat into any financial gain?</p> <p>Discuss non-financial legacy too: do your offspring know about your (and hence their) heritage? Are there special family mementos/stories to pass on? This knowledge may be lost if you don’t share it now.</p> <p><strong>Place to call home</strong></p> <p>Given their financial, logistical, and emotional implications, living arrangements are crucial to discuss before things need to change (and change can be imposed suddenly, such as by a health emergency). </p> <p><em>Consider:</em></p> <ul> <li>Where would you want to go if you need high-level care?</li> <li>Is your current home suitable in your advanced years? How would any required modifications be paid for?</li> <li>Would you move nearer your kids? Downsize, upsize or sea/treechange?</li> <li>If you move, would you need to sell your current home? Could it be retained somehow?</li> <li>Do you want/expect kids to care for you? Are they capable of doing so? </li> <li>Could/would you live with one of your children? If so – such as paying to build a granny flat on their property – how does this affect your will? Would they be forced to sell so their siblings receive their inheritance?</li> </ul> <p><strong>Team united</strong></p> <p>Having everyone on the same page helps things to run smoothly – especially during difficult times such as a death or serious illness in the family.</p> <p><em>Stay aligned by:</em></p> <ul> <li>Introducing adult children to your financial adviser, lawyer, and accountant.</li> <li>Ensuring everyone knows where to find your will and who is your executor.</li> <li>Disclosing what is and is not up to date.</li> <li>Providing contingency access to passwords, important documents, keys etc.</li> <li>Sharing relevant policy details (e.g., life insurance).</li> </ul> <p>These discussions may be sensitive and difficult to initiate, but are crucial to ensure your wishes are known and enacted. Plus, they may encourage your loved ones to think about their own wishes – and give you all peace of mind for the future!</p> <p><strong><em>Helen Baker is a licensed Australian financial adviser and author of the new book, On Your Own Two Feet: The Essential Guide to Financial Independence for all Women (Ventura Press, $32.99). Helen is among the 1% of financial planners who hold a master’s degree in the field. Proceeds from book sales are donated to charities supporting disadvantaged women and children. Find out more at <a href="http://www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au">www.onyourowntwofeet.com.au</a></em></strong></p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images  </em></p>

Retirement Income

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Conversation starters for solo travellers

<p>We all know of stranger danger but when you’re a solo traveller the ability to talk to strangers (safely, though) is one of the most important skills to have under your belt. Chatting with strangers will not only add to your travel experience but it might even lead to life-long friendships. Here are a few conversation starters to keep up your sleeve.</p> <p><em>A note on safety</em>: Don’t be afraid to tell people you are a solo traveller. People are often more keen to chat and talk to those travelling alone, however it’s important to exercise caution. Look for clues to see if the person can be trusted and stay in public places.</p> <p><strong>When eating out, sit at a communal table or at the bar.</strong> Chat to people sitting next to you. If they are a local, you can ask them about the restaurant and any local recommendations. If they are a fellow traveller, ask them where they’re from and how their trip is going.</p> <p><strong>Ask someone to take your photo.</strong> Be mindful of the fact there are some scammers targeting tourist destinations to steal cameras so use your judgement but this is an easy and natural way to strike up a conversation. A family or a group of tourist can usually be trusted and counted on to take your Start with the sight you’re getting photographed.</p> <p><strong>Comment on a tourist destination.</strong> If you’re wandering around a museum/gallery/popular site, keep a look out for other solo travellers. Keep it simple and introduce yourself, following up questions about how their enjoying where you both are. Be aware that not everyone wants to chat but most solo travellers have an open mind and want to meet new people.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Travel Tips

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Don’t let financial shame be your ruin: open conversations can help ease the burden of personal deb

<p>Nearly <a href="https://www.ipsos.com/en-nz/19th-ipsos-new-zealand-issues-monitor">two-thirds of New Zealanders</a> are worried about the cost of living, and a quarter are worried about <a href="https://www.canstar.co.nz/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Consumer-Pulse-Report-NZ-2023-Final-4.pdf">putting food on the table</a>. But the <a href="https://visionwest.org.nz/food-hardship-part-one/">shame</a> that can come with financial stress is preventing some people from seeking help. </p> <p>According to a recent survey, a third of New Zealanders were not completely truthful with their family or partners about the state of their finances, and 12% <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/129477493/financial-infidelity-research-finds-kiwis-hiding-debts-from-their-partners">actively hid their debt</a>. This shame and worry about money can spill over into <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/bay-of-plenty-times/news/concerns-buy-now-pay-later-schemes-could-fuel-addiction-as-kiwis-spend-17b-last-year/VOV3VIDIG2MZBGJEGPMLGWDMJI/">addiction</a>, <a href="https://www.newsroom.co.nz/i-had-serious-concussion-bad-credit-and-15000-debt-abuse-survivor">violence</a> and <a href="https://corporate.dukehealth.org/news/financial-strains-significantly-raise-risk-suicide-attempts">suicide</a>. </p> <p>Considering the effect of financial stress on our wellbeing, it is clear we need to overcome the financial stigma that prevents us from getting help. We also <a href="https://www.apa.org/topics/money/family-financial-strain">owe it to our kids</a> to break the taboo around money by communicating our worries and educating them on how to manage finances better. </p> <h2>The burden of growing debt</h2> <p><a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300817697/mortgage-pain-homeowners-facing-repayment-hikes-of-up-to-900-a-fortnight">Ballooning mortgage repayments</a> are compounding the financial distress of many New Zealanders. At the beginning of 2023, an estimated 11.9% of home owners were behind on loan payments, with more than <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">18,400 mortgagees in arrears</a>. </p> <div data-id="17"> </div> <p>Given the <a href="https://www.treasury.govt.nz/publications/an/an-21-01-html">majority of household wealth</a> in New Zealand is in property, our financial vulnerability is closely linked to the ebbs and flows of the <a href="https://content.knightfrank.com/research/84/documents/en/global-house-price-index-q2-2021-8422.pdf">second most overinflated property market</a> in the world. </p> <p>There are also cultural reasons for growing financial distress. Many households have taken on significant debt to “<a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/7616361/Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses">keep up with the Joneses</a>” and to pursue the quintessential <a href="https://www.interest.co.nz/property/99890/westpac-commissioned-survey-suggests-many-new-zealanders-still-pine-quarter-acre">quarter-acre dream</a>. Social comparison and peer pressure act as powerful levers contributing to problem debt and over-indebtedness. </p> <p>The average household debt in New Zealand is more than <a href="https://tradingeconomics.com/new-zealand/households-debt-to-income">170% of gross household income</a>. That is higher than the United Kingdom (133%), Australia (113%) or Ireland (96%).</p> <h2>The rise of problem debt</h2> <p>And we are digging a deeper hole. Over the past year, <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/business/485045/data-shows-430-000-new-zealanders-behind-in-credit-repayments-in-january">demand for credit cards increased by 21.7%</a>. The use of personal debt such as personal loans and deferred payment schemes <a href="https://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/demand-for-personal-credit-rises-arrears-also-up-as-cost-of-living-bites/YCEM74CII5FQBPJXO3UOG4Y3GY/">is also climbing</a>. There is a real risk this debt could become problem debt. </p> <p>Problem debt can have severe and wide-reaching consequences, including <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">housing insecurity</a>, <a href="http://www.socialinclusion.ie/publications/documents/2011_03_07_FinancialExclusionPublication.pdf">financial exclusion</a> (the inability to access debt at affordable interest rates), <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/07409710.2012.652016?journalCode=gfof20">poor food choices</a> and a plethora of <a href="https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-2458-14-489">health problems</a>. </p> <p>Yet, the hidden <a href="https://spssi.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/sipr.12074">psychological</a> and <a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11205-008-9286-8">social cost of financial distress</a>remains often unspoken, overlooked and underestimated.</p> <p>Even before the pandemic, <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU1909/S00616/research-shows-financial-stress-impacts-mental-wellbeing.htm">69% of New Zealanders were worried</a>about money. The share of people worrying about their financial situation was higher for women (74%), and particularly women aged 18-34 (82%). It is no coincidence that the latter are particularly at risk of problem debt through so-called <a href="https://acfr.aut.ac.nz/__data/assets/pdf_file/0008/691577/Gilbert-and-Scott-Study-2-Draft-v10Sept2022.pdf">“buy now, pay later” schemes</a>. </p> <p>The stigma of financial distress extends beyond the vulnerable and the marginalised in our society. A growing number of <a href="https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/political/467417/middle-income-families-hoping-for-help-in-budget-as-rising-costs-sting">middle-class New Zealanders </a> are quietly suffering financial distress, isolated by financial stigma and the taboos around discussing money. When pressed, one in two New Zealanders would rather <a href="https://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/BU2203/S00384/research-shows-wed-rather-talk-about-politics-than-our-finances.htm">talk politics over money</a>. </p> <h2>Time to talk about money</h2> <p>Navigating financial distress and <a href="https://digitalcommons.law.seattleu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2526&context=sulr">stigma</a> can feel overwhelming. Where money is a taboo subject, it may feel safer to withdraw, maintain false appearances, be secretive or shun social support. </p> <p>This tendency to avoid open discussions and suffer in silence can lead to <a href="https://loneliness.org.nz/lonely/at-home/financially-struggling/">feelings of isolation</a> and contribute to <a href="https://theconversation.com/how-financial-stress-can-affect-your-mental-health-and-5-things-that-can-help-201557">poor mental health</a>, such as depression, anxiety and emotional distress. </p> <p>Sadly, the trauma of living in financial distress can also <a href="http://irep.ntu.ac.uk/id/eprint/39442/1/1307565_Wakefield.pdf">break up families</a>. Losing the symbols of hard-gained success and facing the prospect of a reduced lifestyle can be tough. It often triggers feelings of personal failure and self doubt that deter us from taking proactive steps to talk openly and seek help. </p> <p>But what can families do to alleviate some of this distress?</p> <h2>Seek help</h2> <p>First, understand that <a href="https://www.ft.com/content/86767aac-98e0-4dae-8c5a-d3301b030703">you are not alone</a>. Over 300,000 New Zealanders <a href="https://theconversation.com/over-300-000-new-zealanders-owe-more-than-they-own-is-this-a-problem-173497">owe more than they earn</a>.</p> <p>Second, seek help. There are many services that help people work through their financial situation and formulate a plan. In the case of excessive debts, debt consolidation or <a href="https://goodshepherd.org.nz/debtsolve/">debt solution loans</a> may help reduce the overall burden and simplify your financial situation. </p> <p>For those struggling with increasing interest on their mortgages, reaching out to your bank early is critical. During the 2008 recession, banks in New Zealand <a href="https://www.beehive.govt.nz/release/banks-exchange-letters-crown-support-distressed-mortgage-borrowers">worked with customers</a> to avoid defaulting on mortgages, including reducing servicing costs, capitalising interest and moving households to interest-only loans. It is essential to understand that the <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/homed/real-estate/130677426/are-we-on-the-brink-of-a-wave-of-mortgagee-sales">banks do not want mortgagees to fail</a>, and that options exist.</p> <p>To help future generations avoid debt traps, we need open communication about money – also known as “<a href="https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10834-020-09736-2">financial socialisation</a>”. This includes developing values, sharing knowledge and promoting behaviours that help build <a href="https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1241099.pdf">financial viability and contribute to financial wellbeing</a>. </p> <p>The lessons about handling money from family and friends are crucial for <a href="https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.02162/full">improving our children’s financial capability</a>, helping them be <a href="https://www.fsc.org.nz/it-starts-with-action-theme/growing-financially-resilient-kids">more financially resilient</a> and better able to survive the stresses we are experiencing now – and those <a href="https://www.stuff.co.nz/business/money/300836616/heres-how-much-household-costs-are-expected-to-increase">yet to come</a>.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p> <p><em>This article originally appeared on <a href="https://theconversation.com/dont-let-financial-shame-be-your-ruin-open-conversations-can-help-ease-the-burden-of-personal-debt-202496" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Conversation</a>. </em></p>

Retirement Income

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6 signs you're in love with a narcissist

<p>Narcissists can be toxic to your life and can be devastating to your wellbeing. Here are six signs you’ve fallen in love with one.</p> <p><strong>1. They have problems with jealousy</strong></p> <p>Envy and jealousy are almost synonymous with narcissism. Even though outwardly a narcissist behaves like they are the most important person in the world, this can often mask some genuine insecurities. </p> <p>As such, they will be jealous of anyone else you spend time with like your family and friends to members of the opposite sex. They can even overreact to simple everyday interactions you have with others.</p> <p><strong>2. They have to be in control</strong></p> <p>This applies to just about everything in a relationship, from finances to what to watch on television. This can be because they believe that their way is the best way and so that’s how things must be done. Or it can be that they want to assert their dominance over every situation and don't let anyone else get a look in. </p> <p>Very often, you’ll find that narcissists will avoid putting themselves in situations that they can’t control or where they feel they may be found out.</p> <p><strong>3. They won’t admit when they are wrong</strong></p> <p>Surely, as such a superior person, they could never be wrong, right? This is what goes through the mind of a narcissist. They will often argue until they are blue in the face even when it is quite clear they are in the wrong. </p> <p>This even applies to unimportant things – like who’s turn it was to take out the garbage – and yet they find it impossible to let go.</p> <p><strong>4. They have a constant need for praise</strong></p> <p>Even though it seems like a narcissist has an overly healthy ego, often they are very insecure. As such, they have a constant need for attention, praise and general ego boosts. They may always want to hear how good they look or how smart they are, yet will never return the favour and compliment others. </p> <p>It can quickly become draining to have to prop up someone’s ego 24 hours a day.</p> <p><strong>5. They think everyone else is to blame</strong></p> <p>It must be nice to be a narcissist – nothing is ever your fault. Fights in a relationship, clashes with workmates, bad business decisions; a narcissist can easily write all these things off as the fault of someone else. </p> <p>Be warned – in a relationship you will soon find that everything is your fault and there is no way to extricate yourself from it.</p> <p><strong>6. They lie</strong></p> <p>Blatantly and to your face. Narcissists think they are smarter than everyone, so they believe that their lies will never be found out. </p> <p>They can lie about everything and often trap themselves in an ever-larger web of affairs, debts or crime. Pay attention and you will soon find that they can’t keep track of their own falsehoods.</p> <p><em>Image credits: Getty Images</em></p>

Relationships

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John Travolta recalls heartbreaking conversation with son over Kelly Preston

<p>John Travolta has recalled an emotional conversation he had with his son, Ben, after the death of Kelly Preston.</p> <p>While appearing on Kevin Hart’s Peacock talk show series, <em>Hart</em>, the 67-year-old A-lister opened up about the heartbreaking chat he had with his 10-year-old son, after the family lost Preston to breast cancer in 2020.</p> <p>The actress battled the disease for two years out of the public eye.</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843357/travolta-family-kelly-preston-1.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/5370c8c14d914e19a0e01f0ef76dbcc7" /></p> <p>Travolta revealed he and his son were walking through their neighbourhood, when Ben admitted he was afraid to lose his father.</p> <p>"He said to me once, 'Because mum passed away, I'm afraid you're going to,'" the <em>Grease</em> star shared.</p> <p>"I said, 'Well, it's a very different thing.' And I went through the differences about my longevity and her limited life," he continued.</p> <p>"I said, 'But you know, Ben… You always love the truth and I'm going to tell you the truth about life. Nobody knows when they're gonna go or when they're going to stay.'</p> <p><img style="width: 500px; height: 281.25px;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7843358/travolta-family-kelly-preston-2.jpg" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/15fe78c4354b40a08661df0779387e27" /></p> <p>"Your brother [Jett] left at 16. Too young. Your mother left at 57. That was too young. But who's to say? I could die tomorrow. You could. Anybody can.</p> <p>“So let's look at it like it's part of life. You don't know exactly. You just do your best at trying to live the longest you can."</p> <p>Travolta and Preston shared three children together, including daughter Ella, 21, Ben, 10, and Jett, who died in 2009 when he was just 16 after suffering a seizure.</p>

Family & Pets

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12 rude conversation habits you need to stop ASAP

<p><strong>Interrupting people</strong></p> <p>It happens to everyone who likes chitchatting. Something pops into your head while your friend is speaking, and you interrupt them to blurt it out. Although this might happen occasionally, it’s definitely more of a rude conversation habit for many people. Emilie Dulles, who has more than 29 years of experience in traditional etiquette, says interrupting people is the most common rude conversation habit she encounters. Interrupting not only expresses a lack of interest or respect for the speaker, but it also stops people from sharing the punchline or pearl of wisdom that might come at the end of their story, according to Dulles. So always let others finish their thoughts completely unless what you have to say is extremely urgent or related to an emergency, adds Bonnie Tsai, the founder and director of Beyond Etiquette.</p> <p><strong>Overusing sarcasm</strong></p> <p>Sarcasm is a hit or miss in most conversations, especially if people don’t already know your sense of humour, according to Tsai. So always be mindful of your audience and determine if it’s the right time or place. “If you have to ask whether or not it’s appropriate, it’s most likely not,” says Tsai.</p> <p><strong>Only talking about yourself</strong></p> <p>Strictly talking about yourself while speaking with others makes you appear narcissistic and inconsiderate of other people and their feelings. “Everyone’s experience and feelings are just as important as yours,” says Tsai. “They want to be able to share their stories just like you want to share yours.” Not only is talking exclusively about yourself pompous but Julia Esteve Boyd, an international etiquette consultant based in Switzerland who travels globally, says that monopolising the conversation is just plain irritating and boring.</p> <p><strong>Scrolling while speaking</strong></p> <p>Being distracted by your phone is one of the rude conversation habits that are more popular than ever before, according to Tsai. “Our phones are great for connecting with those who are far away, however, it takes time away from those who we are with in the moment,” says Tsai. If you use your phone during a conversation, it might signal boredom, that you’d rather be elsewhere, or that whatever is happening on your phone is more essential. “The message won’t go away, but the person we are conversing with might,” says Boyd. Using your phone during a conversation is the “height of rudeness,” according to Boyd.</p> <p><strong>Always needing to be “right”</strong></p> <p>If the conversation takes turns into more of a debate, don’t worry about being “right.” Insisting on winning an argument doesn’t mean you win the fight since this kind of behaviour is rude, says Tsai. “The important thing isn’t about being right or wrong, but understanding where each other is coming from and the ability to empathise with one another without judgment,” says Tsai. “That’s how we can have more productive conversations to help us move forward and learn about one another.”</p> <p><strong>One-upping the other person</strong></p> <p>So your friend just mentioned their first-ever international trip to Italy – and all you want is to chatter away about your semester abroad in Milan. It might be a good idea to hold off. “Someone else sharing their experience with you doesn’t require you to counter with your own,” says Tsai. “They are simply sharing a personal experience with you rather than hear about how you recently had the same experience or something even better.”</p> <p><strong>Prepping your response before the end of a story</strong></p> <p>Too many people these days aren’t actually listening to a conversation intentionally. Instead, “they are waiting for their turn to speak, or in the worst cases, interrupting to get to speak right now,” says Dulles. Instead of preparing what you want to say next, Dulles suggests taking a deep breath and taking in what the other person says. After a few seconds pass, it’s your turn to speak.</p> <p><strong>Turning every conversation into gossip</strong></p> <p>Dulles says that gossip is at a new level in conversation today, thanks to social media. Not only is there less time to process information, but this also leads to comparison and envy – turning spectators into critics and gossipers in no time, according to Dulles. Whether you converse via phone or in person, the old adage holds true: If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.</p> <p><strong>Asking probing questions</strong></p> <p>Some questions are just too personal for casual or group conversations. And Boyd has to correct her clients for asking these questions that are too personal. Instead, keep all conversational topics neutral. “Talk about your culture, another culture, food, travel, wine, hobbies, local news and general family questions,” says Boyd. If other people start in with intrusive questions, you can answer them without making things awkward. For people who ask how much money you make say, “Not enough!” Or if your cousin won’t stop asking when you’re having kids say, “I don’t know, but I may need a babysitter one day, can I count on you?”</p> <p><strong>Making inappropriate comments</strong></p> <p>It’s key to be respectful of other people’s boundaries and sensitivities, regardless of gender or culture. “If you accidentally let an inappropriate comment slip, apologise, take responsibility, and use it as a teaching moment for yourself and others,” says Tsai.</p> <p><strong>Not reading the room</strong></p> <p>If there’s one thing you take away from this list of rude conversation habits, it’s the importance of reading the room. This expression is popular because it speaks to the need for self-awareness as well as the awareness of others, according to Dulles. “Your conversation topics, tone and volume need to be streamlined to the setting and the people around you,” says Dulles.</p> <p><strong>Assuming you’re a good conversationalist</strong></p> <p>There’s always room for improvement, even if you don’t think you’re guilty of these rude conversation habits. “Conversation etiquette ultimately stems from having respect and consideration for others,” says Tsai. If you aren’t sure whether or not you have any conversation habits that come off as rude, ask your close friends and family to help you out. “They can help you be aware of any quirks or habits you have when you’re spending time with others that can be perceived as inappropriate,” says Tsai. More importantly, once you know these things, you can work on them and become an even better conversationalist.</p> <p><em>Written by Emily DiNuzzo</em><em>. This article first appeared on </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/12-rude-conversation-habits-you-need-to-stop-asap?pages=1"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe"><em>here’s our best subscription offer</em></a><em>.</em></p>

Relationships

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Signs you’re a conversational narcissist

<p>Showing conversational narcissism doesn’t mean you have a personality disorder. (To learn more about that, watch out for these 12 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.) The term was coined by sociologist Charles Derber and describes the tendency to turn a conversation back to yourself. A balanced dialogue should involve both sides, but conversational narcissists tend to keep the focus on themselves, so you’re getting attention but not giving any away, says licenced marriage and family therapist Kate Campbell, PhD. “It invalidates the other person and what they’re trying to share,” she says. The problem is, talking about ourselves is natural, so it’s hard to notice when you’re overdoing it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You don’t ask many questions</strong></p> <p>Asking questions gives the other person a chance to elaborate more – so conversational narcissists won’t ask them, says Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations that Matter. “If they do ask questions, they’re questions that lead back to themselves,” she says. “Things like ‘Do you know what I mean?’ ‘Did I tell you about this?’ ‘Did we see this movie?’” To be a better listener, ask follow-up questions to show interest in what the other person is saying.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You use a lot of filler phrases</strong></p> <p>Even when listening to another person, a conversational narcissist will respond mostly with fillers like “hmm” or “interesting” instead of showing any true curiosity, says Headlee. “It’s passive conversational narcissism, which is withholding attention until the attention goes back to ourselves,” she says. Make sure you’re fully engaged in a conversation, even if you can’t personally relate – your relationship will be stronger for it.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’ve been talking for ages</strong></p> <p>The amount of time you’ve been talking is a major red flag that you’re showing conversational narcissism. “It becomes more of a monologue versus a dialogue,” says Dr Campbell. “You need to have a back-and-forth flow.” Make a point of being more self-aware of how long you’ve been talking. If no one else can get a word in edgewise, it’s time for you to step aside for the next speaker.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>The listeners’ eyes are glazing over</strong></p> <p>Because you care so much about what you’re talking about, sometimes it can be hard to realise that you’ve been dominating the conversation. The trick, then, is to notice subtle cues in the people you’re with. “Their body language might look uncomfortable, or they could be crossing their arms or not paying attention,” says Dr Campbell. Some might even be scrolling through their phones to avoid engaging. At that point, try to bring one of them into the conversation by mentioning something he or she would want a say in.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You wait until you’re done to ask questions</strong></p> <p>You’ve noticed you’ve been doing most of the talking in the conversation – great! That’s the first step to shutting down your own conversational narcissism. But it won’t mean much if you only say “enough about me!” at the end of your chat when everyone is getting ready to leave, you aren’t giving the other person much chance to talk. “It’s a nod to politeness … when really it’s just surface and not an honest invitation,” says Headlee. Give the others a chance to get a word in early on so you can have a balanced two-way conversation.</p> <p>One phrase Headlee says you shouldn’t let out of your mouth when someone else is dealing with a tragedy: “I know how you feel.” You might think you’re showing support, but that phrase is actually turning the conversation away from the other person’s pain and over to your own. “It shuts down that conversation,” says Headlee. “You’re saying ‘you don’t need to tell me anymore – I know how you feel.’” What that person really needs is a listening ear, she says, so encourage your friend to tell you more. No need to pretend you can’t relate, but after you share a story, bring the focus back to the other person. Try something like “I lost a parent last year too and can’t imagine what you’re going through. Is there any way I can help?”</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re constantly thinking of your next line</strong></p> <p>In contrast to a conversational narcissist, a good listener “would be listening to understand versus listening to respond or share a story,” says Dr Campbell. Instead of wracking your brain for a similar story you can add to the conversation, put the focus on the speaker. Once there’s a pause, show you genuinely want to understand by confirming what you’ve heard and allowing the person to elaborate, or ask for extra details.</p> <p> </p> <p><strong>You’re feeling awkward</strong></p> <p>Some people try to ask questions to divert focus away from themselves when they’re feeling shy, says Headlee. On the other hand, others might default to conversational narcissism, says Dr Campbell. “Especially if they’re nervous or uncomfortable socially, they go back to what they know – and that’s their own personal experiences,” she says. Try these science-backed tips for boosting self-confidence to get over your nerves.</p> <p> </p> <p><em>Written by Marissa Laliberte</em><em>. This article first appeared on </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/8-signs-youre-a-conversational-narcissist"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.co.nz/subscribe"><em>here’s our best subscription offer</em></a><em>.</em></p>

Relationships

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10 conversation starters that make you instantly interesting

<p><strong>1.Perfect conversation starters</strong></p> <p>Whether you’re working up the courage to talk to an attractive stranger of feeling awkward at a social or business event, the conversation topics will get you off to a winning start</p> <p><strong>2.Conversation Topic: Ask for a helping hand</strong></p> <p> “Helping questions are great conversation starters because when a person helps you it forms natural bonds. When you help another person to figure what an item is on the buffet or locate the bathroom, it lowers your defences. For example, if you’re at the supermarket, ask ‘Do you know how to tell if this fruit is ripe?’ It makes you look open to learning more and will help the conversation flow naturally.” – Dawn Maslar, MS, author of <em>Men Chase, Women Choose: The Neuroscience of Meeting, Dating, Losing Your Mind, and Finding True Love</em>.</p> <p><strong>3.Conversation Topic: Compliment something other than someone’s looks</strong></p> <p> “Instead of complimenting something generic like their eyes, highlight something that shows their personality, like their purse or a book. This is simple, elegant and great if you are interested in someone or anytime you want to boost their likeability toward you for business or social reasons.” – Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP, psychologist</p> <p><strong>4.Conversation Topic: Bring up a shared interest</strong></p> <p> “Many people think they have nothing in common with a stranger but if someone is at a supermarket, restaurant or bar they are there for a reason – one which is likely similar to yours. You’re both there so you both share a common interest. Ask questions to find out what that interest is. For instance, ask about what their experience at that venue has been like or why they chose it.” – Shannon Battle, licensed professional counsellor</p> <p><strong>5.Conversation Topic: Go simple… yet bold</strong></p> <p> “Give a genuine smile and say, ‘Hi.’ It sounds too simple but people are so used to other people staring at their phones that a simple smile and hello can be a very bold move. It shows the other person that you’ve noticed them and you’re interested in getting to know them better. And you’ll almost always get a hello back. (If you don’t, let it go. You don’t want to date a rude person anyway.)” – Suzanne Casamento, dating expert and the creator of Fantasy Dating</p> <p><strong>6.Conversation Topic: Ask for their honest opinion</strong></p> <p> “Asking ‘I’ve been really thinking deeply about something and wondering if I can share it, and get your feedback?’ shows your interest in the other person and solicits new and interesting information that is fun to discuss. Pretty much anyone will want to share their opinions with an interested party and they will think you are nice and fun to be with, as well.” – Melissa Orlov, therapist and author of <em>The Couple’s Guide to Thriving With ADHD</em>.</p> <p><strong>7.Conversation Topic: Tell a bonding joke</strong></p> <p> “Jokes work well because they are disarming and work on a biological level. If a woman laughs at a man’s joke, he feels assured that she has a level of comfort with him. For her, laughing releases oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone.’ These two things together create an opening for more conversation.” – Dawn Maslar</p> <p><strong>8.Conversation Topic: Give an out-of-the-blue compliment</strong></p> <p> “I always tell my clients to try out a compliment. It breaks the ice and these days it’s completely unexpected! You can test out doing this by just giving people walking down the street a compliment and see their reaction, most times people will give you a smile and possibly engage in more conversation. After all, who doesn’t like to be complimented?” – Stef Safran, a matchmaking and dating expert in Chicago and owner of Stef and the City.</p> <p><strong>9.Conversation Topic: Get (pop) cultured</strong></p> <p> “Make a comment or joke about something big in pop culture that most people would be familiar with – something light, NOT political. If you need ideas look at what’s trending or are hot topics on Twitter or Facebook.” – Stef Safran.</p> <p><strong>10.Conversation Topic: Ask a fake favour</strong></p> <p> “People love to help so asking for a small favour is a great conversation starter. If you don’t have a favour to ask for, just make one up. Ask the person you find attractive to help you reach something on a high shelf or hold something while you look through your wallet. At the very least you’ll end up with a fun story to tell your friends.” – Suzanne Casamento</p> <p><em>Written </em>by <em>Charlotte Hilton Andersen.</em> This<em> article first appeared in </em><a href="https://www.readersdigest.com.au/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/37-conversation-starters-that-make-you-instantly-interesting/"><em>Reader’s Digest</em></a><em>. For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN93V"><em>here’s our best subscription offer.</em></a></p> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

Caring

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There is now proof that your smart speaker is eavesdropping on your conversations

<p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Amazon has confirmed that its smart speaker, the Amazon Echo – also known as “Alexa” – listens to your personal and private conversations.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The company employs thousands of workers to listen to voice recordings that are captured by the company’s Echo “smart” speakers, according to a </span><a href="https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2019-04-10/is-anyone-listening-to-you-on-alexa-a-global-team-reviews-audio"><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span></a><span style="font-weight: 400;"> report.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Millions across the world have been reluctant to use the device for this very reason, and it turns out that someone IS listening to their conversations.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">However, Amazon doesn’t refer to the process as eavesdropping. The company refers to it as the “Alexa voice review process” and uses it to highlight the role that humans play in training software algorithms.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">“This information helps us train our speech recognition and natural language understanding systems, so Alexa can better understand your requests, and ensure the service works well for everyone,” an Amazon spokesperson said in a statement.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The audio transcribers, who are comprised of full-time employees at Amazon as well as contractors, told </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> that they reviewed “as many as 1,000 audio clips per shift”. </span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Although some of the employees might find the work mundane, the listeners occasionally pick up on things that the person on the other end would like to remain private, such as a woman singing in her shower off-key and loudly.</span></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">The report from </span><span style="font-weight: 400;">Bloomberg</span><span style="font-weight: 400;"> also revealed that the more amusing (or harder to understand) voice clips get shared amongst the employees via internal chat rooms.</span></p> <p><strong>How to disable this feature</strong></p> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">However, disabling this feature is easy. As it’s switched on by default in the Alexa app, this is also the way you turn it off.</span></p> <ol> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Open the Alexa app on your phone.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Tap the “Menu” button on the top left of the screen.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Select “Alexa Account”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Choose “Alexa Privacy”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Select “Manage how your data improves Alexa”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Turn off the button next to “Help Develop New Features”.</span></li> <li><span style="font-weight: 400;"> Turn off the button next to your name under “Use Messages to Improve Transcriptions”.</span></li> </ol> <p><span style="font-weight: 400;">Despite turning off the recording function for Alexa, the company told Bloomberg that its voice recordings may still be analysed as a part of Amazon’s review process.</span></p>

Technology

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6 magic phrases that can save an awkward conversation

<p><strong>1. Pay a compliment</strong></p> <p>Why is it so easy to forget someone’s name within seconds of meeting them? Because, you weren’t really listening—you were too busy thinking about what to say next. One easy way to skirt that natural selfishness and propel any conversation forward is to open with flattery. When you meet someone for the first time, 'Pay that person a compliment when repeating their name, thus helping to anchor and embed it even deeper into your memory,' says professional mentalist Oz Pearlman, who sometimes has to remember the names of hundreds of people he just met for his act. If you compliment Alyssa on her necklace, you instantly prime your brain to recall her name the next time you see that necklace, Pearlman says. 'As a bonus, everyone enjoys flattery, so that compliment can go a long way toward you being remembered as well.''</p> <p><strong>2. Ask lots of questions – good questions</strong></p> <p>Research shows that in conversations with unfamiliar people, we tend to rate the experience based on our own performance, not theirs. What’s more: the experience of talking about ourselves can be more pleasurable than food or money. So, how do you give your conversation partner the pleasure of a good conversation? Ask them questions—a lot of questions, and ones that call for more than vague one-word answers (a good rule is, if your question can be answered with “fine,” don’t ask it). Avoid work if you can; instead, ask about play—”What keeps you busy outside of work?” is a good place to start. According to Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, one question pretty much guaranteed to put someone in a positive mindset and open doors to their personality: “What has the highlight of your year been so far?” This allows the person to show you her best self and, if her highlight includes a topic you’re interested in too, may lay the groundwork for a true friendship.</p> <p><strong>3. Try to make their day better</strong></p> <p>If your conversation partner still isn’t biting, make things even easier for them by asking games researcher Jane McGonigal’s favourite question: “On a scale of one to ten, how was your day?” Anyone can think of a number between one and ten, McGonigal says, and they’re likely to elaborate on their answer as they go. But it gets even better. After they respond, ask them this: “Is there anything I can do to move you from a six to a seven (or a three to a four, etc.)?” You’d be surprised how happy this little gesture will make someone.</p> <p><strong>4. Play the sympathy card</strong></p> <p>Ready for a cheater’s way to advance a conversation? Memorize three magic words: 'that sounds hard.'  'Nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult,' entrepreneur Paul Ford wrote in his viral essay, 'How to Be Polite.' 'I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry,' Ford wrote. 'I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson.'</p> <p><strong>5. Seek their opinion</strong></p> <p>This tip has been tested by tactful US founding father, Benjamin Franklin. In his memoir, Franklin describes an 'old maxim' that helped him along in his political career: 'He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.'  In other words, if you ask someone for advice or a favour and they oblige you, they will be psychologically primed to like you and help you again (today this phenomenon is know as The Ben Franklin effect). So, if you truly want to endear yourself to a stranger and show them you value their mind, ask for their advice on something. If they give it to you, they get to feel important and valued—and you might just learn something in the process.</p> <p><strong>6. Exit gracefully</strong></p> <p>When your conversation reaches a natural conclusion, pull the trigger by saying 'I won’t keep you' or 'Give my regards to [mutual acquaintance]' before making your escape. Adam Dachis, coauthor of The Awkward Human Survival Guide, adds that context can provide you the perfect exit strategy. 'If you’re at a party, excuse yourself to get a drink; if you’re at work, you can leave to get some coffee. You can also say, ‘It’s nice talking to you, but I have to talk to someone before they leave.’'</p> <p><em>Written by Brandon Spektor. This article first appeared in </em><a href="http://www.readersdigest.com.au/healthsmart/tips/6-magic-phrases-can-save-awkward-conversation?items_per_page=All"><em>Reader’s Digest</em>.</a><em> For more of what you love from the world’s best-loved magazine, </em><a href="http://readersdigest.innovations.co.nz/c/readersdigestemailsubscribe?utm_source=over60&amp;utm_medium=articles&amp;utm_campaign=RDSUB&amp;keycode=WRN93V"><em>here’s out subscription offer.</em></a></p> <p><img style="width: 100px !important; height: 100px !important;" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/7820640/1.png" alt="" data-udi="umb://media/f30947086c8e47b89cb076eb5bb9b3e2" /></p>

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5 brilliant conversation hacks that you wish you knew sooner

<p>Believe it or not, conversing is hard work. You never want to say the wrong thing, and you need to come across as confident without seeming <em>too </em>confident. For many, the idea of engaging in small talk is terrifying, but thanks to a thread on <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">Reddit</a></span>, users shared their best psychological tricks they use when having to engage in a conversation.</p> <p>Here are five useful hacks:</p> <p><strong>1. If you want to accept an apology</strong></p> <p>“Don’t say, 'It's OK,' when someone apologises. Say something like, 'Thank you for apologising.'</p> <p>“If someone needs to apologise to you, then it was for something that wasn't OK. My mom teaches this to her kindergarteners, and it really does make a difference. It opens the door for growth and conversation, too. 'Thank you for apologising, I don’t like it when you hit me.'"</p> <p>– <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a">katiebugdisney</a></span></p> <p><strong>2. How to win any argument</strong></p> <p>"In an argument, find something to agree on then push your main point."</p> <p> – <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">bobvella</a></span></p> <p><strong>3. If you want to get the truth out</strong></p> <p>"Listening to someone without giving advice or pushing for more information typically gets me more information than being pushy for it."</p> <p>– <span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeray4a/">Drewby5</a></span></p> <p><strong>4. The secret behind a successful marriage</strong></p> <p>"When I do something annoying or bothersome to my husband and he goes quiet, I wait a few minutes and then I ask him a seemingly innocent question, usually on the subject of how certain parts of a car works, or something mechanical. This gets him talking about the car thing and he rambles for like 5 minutes and then bam! He’s happy again and not quietly brooding."</p> <p>– <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eer5pzn">alskdjfhgtk</a> </p> <p><strong>5. How to deal with a distressing situation</strong></p> <p>"If you need to deescalate someone and get them to communicate, try asking questions about numbers/personal information (I work in emergency services). If someone is totally distraught and shut down, asking their phone number/address/birthdate can pull them out of the emotional place and bring them back to a headspace where they can talk about what happened more easily. I often ask these questions even after I have the information, just to deescalate."</p> <p>– <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/aiv6l6/what_is_the_most_effective_psychological_trick/eeqvaeh">Orpheus91</a></p> <p>Will you be using any of these conversation hacks? Or maybe you have some of your own? Let us know in the comments below.</p>

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The 12 ways narcissists make you think they’re important

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>Have you ever noticed that some people you work with or interact with socially underplay their chances of succeeding? Perhaps they go into a situation in which their abilities will be put to the test, such as a entering a contest to get the most sales in the upcoming month or putting together a meal for an important family gathering. Maybe they announce they have a first date with a match made through an <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/social-networking">online dating</a></span> site. Rather than predict a positive outcome in these situations, they put on a show of looking ill-prepared or incompetent. They claim that they're doomed to fail because they lack the necessary skills, people or otherwise, to achieve a positive outcome. Yet, you also have suspected for a while that these individuals seem to be quite self-centred and <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/relationships">love</a></span> to grab the limelight. Why, then, would they go out of their way to seem ill-equipped to handle a challenge?</p> <p>New research by University of North Texas psychologist Michael Barnett and colleagues (2018) suggests that people high in narcissism engage in this self-handicapping presentation strategy as a twisted way of getting you to think that they truly are terrific. Their study, which was conducted on a college student sample of 818 participants, was based on the idea that self-handicapping, or what they call “sandbagging” is just one more way that people high in narcissism manipulate the way others regard them. Although testing this concept on a college student sample might seem to limit its applicability to the broader population, it is consistent with some of the earliest theories of <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality">personality</a></span>. By underplaying their strengths, according to theorists such as Alfred Adler and Karen Horney, narcissists can’t possibly fail. If they don’t win at a situation, they can show that they didn’t expect to anyhow. If they do win, then they look all that much more amazing to those who witness their glory.</p> <p>The concept of sandbagging as a psychological self-presentation strategy was tested by Central Michigan University’s Brian Gibson and Minnesota State University (Mankato)’s Daniel Sachau in a 2000 study that described and validated a 12-item measure. Gibson and Sachau define sandbagging as “a self-presentational strategy involving the false claim or feigned demonstration of inability used to create artificially low expectations for the sandbagger’s performance” (p. 56). Although the origins of the term are unclear (possibly related to building dams, horse-racing, or acts of physical aggression), it’s a concept familiar in the world of “coaches and card-players.” In a press conference prior to a big game, a head coach will talk down, instead of up, the <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a></span>'s chances of victory. Like the coach playing mind games on the opponent, by pretending to be less competent than you are you can lull those who might oppose you into complacency.</p> <p>However, as Gibson and Sachau note, sandbagging can be used in situations involving evaluation rather than <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/sport-and-competition">competition</a></span>. A student who’s actually studied hard tells a professor not to expect much out of the upcoming exam performance. By reducing expectations, the individual either looks better after succeeding at the task or has a reason to explain low performance, should that be the outcome. People can also reduce the pressure on them if they predict poor performance to others because they’ve now got nothing to lose should this occur.</p> <p>Barnett et al., examining the relationship between narcissism and sandbagging, used the 12-item Sandbagging Scale developed in that 2000 study by Gibson and Sachau. The North Texas researchers note that people use this strategy primarily as a way of protecting their <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/self-esteem">self-esteem</a></span>, as shown in previous research establishing a relationship between low self-esteem and sandbagging. People high in narcissism, the researchers maintain, are attempting to protect a fragile self-esteem reflected in feelings of vulnerability that they may cover up with grandiosity. As they note, “the high explicit self-esteem observed in narcissists is an attempt to cover up underlying low self-esteem and vulnerability” (p. 2). Not all psychologists agree that vulnerability and grandiosity are two sides of the same <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/narcissism">narcissistic </a></span>coin, but for the purpose of studying sandbagging, such an assumption seems warranted. Going back to the theories of Adler and Horney, downplaying their abilities is a tactic that narcissists use to guarantee that they can’t fail, suggesting that their self-esteem indeed has a precarious basis.</p> <p>The Barnett et al. findings supported the roles of both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism in explaining scores on the sandbagging measure above and beyond the effects of self-esteem. Thus, people high in narcissism attempt to look good by predicting bad. They use sandbagging, the authors conclude, “to resolve the dissonance that stems from viewing themselves as superior yet potentially being negatively evaluated” (p. 5). This helps them manage their self-esteem by pretending that nothing’s at stake should they either succeed or fail.</p> <p>Before examining the implications of these findings, let’s turn next to the Sandbagging Scale. If Barnett and his collaborators are correct, the items on this scale should provide a novel way to test people’s levels of narcissism because those high in narcissism should score high on this measure.</p> <p>To test yourself, indicate your agreement with these items on a 6-point scale from disagree very much to agree very much:</p> <ol> <li>It’s better for people to expect less of you even if you know you can perform well.</li> <li>The less others expect of me, the better I like it.</li> <li>If I tell others my true ability, I feel added pressure to perform well.</li> <li>The less others expect of me the more comfortable I feel.</li> <li>I may understate my abilities to take some of the pressure off.</li> <li>When someone has high expectations of me I feel uncomfortable.</li> <li>I try to perform above others’ expectations.</li> <li>It’s important that I surpass people’s expectations for my performance.</li> <li>I like others to be surprised by my performance.</li> <li>I enjoy seeing others surprised by my abilities.</li> <li>I will understate my abilities in front of my opponent(s).</li> <li>I understate my skills, ability, or knowledge.</li> </ol> <p>In looking at your responses, flip your ratings of 7 and 8, which are the opposite of sandbagging. The 12 items divide into 3 subscales: Pressure (1-6), Exceeding Expectations (7-10), and Behaviour (11 and 12). The average scores were in the higher end of the 6-point scale, with most people scoring between about 3 and 5, but the highest scores were in items 7-10, the Exceeding Expectations scale. It appears, then, that most people engage in some <span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/leadership">management</a></span> of their self-esteem through sandbagging. As indicated by Barnett and his co-authors, people highest in narcissism should be particularly likely to do so.</p> <p>Hearing an individual expressing false modesty about an upcoming evaluation, as the Sandbagging scale would seem to reflect, can provide you with cues that the individual is trying to protect a fragile sense of self. Rather than project an outward show of bravado, then, people high in narcissism can use the reverse strategy. The audience might be fooled by all of this down-regulation of expectations and not recognise that they are actually watching the self-preservation tactics of the narcissist.</p> <p><strong>To sum up,</strong> be on the lookout for sandbagging when you suspect that you’re witnessing false modesty. Fulfillment in life comes from being able to engage in situations involving competition or evaluation with a reasonable sense of inner self-<span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/confidence">confidence</a></span>. People high in narcissism view every evaluative situation as a threat to their own fallibility and as a result, cannot experience this sense of fulfillment.  </p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201809/the-12-ways-narcissists-make-you-think-they-re-important"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today.</span></strong> </a></em></p>

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How to stop narcissists from talking about themselves

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>Having a conversation with people high in narcissism can be a true test of your social adroitness. With their steady stream of highly self-referenced observations, they challenge you to maintain attention on what else is going on around you, much less get a word in edgewise. Perhaps your coworker refuses to stop talking while at her desk, and also manages to twist every sentence of yours around until it applies only to her. It’s even dawned on you to sneak a set of earplugs into your cubicle but you’re not sure if you’d get away with it. Not only that, you actually do have to keep your ears open to be able to do your job. Or imagine that you’re traveling with a highly <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/narcissism">narcissistic </a>companion throughout the beautiful countryside on a sunny day. You’d like to be able to enjoy the scenery and have at least a few moments of peace and quiet, but his endless babbling just doesn’t stop. Even if he’s not talking about himself specifically, the fact that he keeps talking ensures that he grabs the centre of attention.</p> <p>You might expect that people high in narcissism would be motivated to keep the spotlight on themselves, but also that they might recognize, if only slightly, that they occasionally have to give other people their turn to talk. Having some modicum of social graces would work to their advantage, you might argue, to ensure that they’re liked. They can’t monopolize every conversation. Or can they? A new study by University of Potsdam (Germany)’s Ramzi Fatfouta &amp; Michaela Schröder-Abé (2018) asked the question of whether people high in narcissism are “agentic to the core?” In other words, does the outer self-esteem and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/confidence">self-assurance</a> penetrate to their innermost selves? The “mask” model of narcissism, as they note, suggests that the grandiosity they project is a cover for their inner self-doubts and feelings of weakness.</p> <p>Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé’s study was conducted within the tradition of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality">personality</a> research that regards narcissism as a trait rather than as a categorical disorder which you have or you don’t. They also note that they were interested in the “grandiose” but not the “vulnerable” form of narcissism, or the tendency to present a particularly favourable self-assessment to the outside world. With this background in mind, they tested the idea that people high in narcissism would feel, on the inside, that they lack a sense of agency even though a secure sense of self-confidence would be part of the image they like to project. The paper that sparked the research by the Potsdam authors, published by University of Georgia’s W. Keith Campbell and colleagues (2007), made the case that narcissists lack an inner sense of agency and do feel inferior to the core, but the sample for that study was relatively small (117). The German authors decided to test this proposition on a larger, more representative, online sample (650 individuals with an average age of 24) using what they regarded as better measures of implicit self-esteem with regard to agency.</p> <p>To measure implicit self-esteem, the research <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork">team</a> used a variation of a <a href="https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/user/pimh/index.jsp">standard experimental approach</a> that taps people’s unconscious associations to adjectives describing themselves. Participants saw words such as “active” and “passive" on a computer screen, and were instructed to respond as quickly as possible to the words "active" and "me," and "passive" and "not-me." In the comparison condition, they responded to the words "active" and "not-me," and "passive and me." People with high inner self-esteem struggle to pair the words they reject as not true of them with "me," or those they see as true of them with "not-me." To contrast implicit with explicit self-esteem, participants simply rated how strongly active and passive terms applied to them. and they also filled out a general self-esteem self-report measure.</p> <p>In this replication of the Georgia study, the German authors found no outward-inward discrepancy in agency for people high in narcissism. Those high in narcissism stated that they saw themselves as agentic, but they did not score low on their implicit sense of agency. Concluding that narcissists don’t seem to dislike themselves, “deep down inside,” (p. 81), Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé propose instead that people high in the need to see themselves as important and above everyone else have no particular inner need to see themselves as in charge. Even as they project this strongly agentic image to others, they remain neutral at best in seeing agency as important to their inner sense of self.</p> <p>The Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé study suggests, then, that the people you know who seem narcissistically self-entitled and grandiose enjoy being seen as in control, if only for the impact their strong need to take charge has on others. Their core <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/identity">self-concept</a> doesn’t rely on being in control or not, though. When they take over centre stage in a group, they’re not trying to cover up their feelings of inadequacy, but instead seem to do so out of the sheer pleasure it provides them while others bow to their will.</p> <p>It would appear, then, that you don’t have to walk on eggshells when you’re dealing with a conversation-grabber out of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/fear">fear</a> of creating an outburst of narcissistic <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/anger">rage</a>. Fulfillment in relationships depends on a healthy degree of give-and-take. If the person you're with continually grabs the conversational reins, you can rely on the Fatfouta and Schröder-Abé study’s findings to go ahead and make the monologue a dialogue.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today.</span></strong> </a></em></p>

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The reason why narcissists need to outdo everyone else

<p><em><strong>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</strong></em></p> <p>Grandiosity and an elevated self-focus are key components of narcissism. The way in which narcissists view themselves, however, also reflects the way they view other people. In order to see themselves as superior they, by definition, must see everyone else as beneath them. Consider a situation in which a co-worker of yours talks constantly about herself and her family, seems uninterested in your own life, and spends an inordinate amount of time preening in front of the mirror she keeps in her desk drawer. These narcissistic behaviours seem reinforced by the way she maintains her office space. Overflowing with photos showing her in flattering situations, such as the time she won an important award at work, she’s placed the awards themselves in prominent locations in her shelves so that you can’t help but notice them when you walk by her desk. An extension of her personal tendencies to turn attention toward herself, her office space is clearly intended to reinforce this view of herself as superior to others. </p> <p>The view of people high in narcissism as preoccupied with <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/identity" title="Psychology Today looks at self-image">self-image</a></strong></span> doesn’t necessarily take into account this idea that such individuals seem driven to elevate their social status. According to a new study by University of Roehampton’s (U.K.) Nikhila Mahadevan and colleagues (2018), the narcissist's need for status goes beyond an ordinary need for positive regard from others. Most people, the British <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/teamwork" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at team">team</a></strong></span> argue, behave in ways consistent with “sociometer theory,” in which they are driven by a need for social inclusion. People high in narcissism, however, operate according to “hierometer theory,” or a need to navigate social hierarchies. It's status the narcissist seeks, not approval. As defined by the authors, status refers to “being respected and admired” (p. 2); inclusion refers to “being liked and admired” (p. 2). Thus, status involves a need to stand above others, while inclusion involves a need to be a part of a group. </p> <p>In distinguishing between <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/self-esteem" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at self-esteem">self-esteem</a></strong></span> and narcissism, the British researchers note that both refer to a form of self-regard. Self-esteem is defined as a positive or negative attitude toward the self. People high in self-esteem feel that they have worth, but don’t need to see themselves as better than others. People high in narcissism, though, have a more grandiose set of needs that include a sense of entitlement, a tendency to exploit others, and unusual sensitivity to criticism. The authors studied narcissism as a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/basics/personality" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at trait">trait</a></strong></span> that varies in everyone rather than the clinical form of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic personality disorder">narcissistic personality disorder</a></strong></span>. The highly narcissistic in their model should be acutely concerned, they predict, with social status, needing less to be liked than to be admired.</p> <p>The hierometer model of narcissism, as suggested by Mahadevan and her fellow researchers, uniquely proposes that “self-regard serves a status-regulating function, tracking social status, and motivating status-optimizing behavior” (p. 4). Consider people who feel they must wear the brand labels of expensive designers. They don't care whether the items with the fancy logos are particularly beautiful or even worth the money in an objective sense. Instead, the narcissistic individuals trying to assert their status want others to notice their wealth. </p> <p>In a series of investigations, the British researchers began with two online samples of adults who completed questionnaires designed to assess the needs for inclusion and status. Questions used to measure status and inclusion asked people to rate items that began with the following prompt: “Most of the time I feel that people…”  Sample status items included “… respect my achievements,” “think highly of my abilities and talents,” “admire me,” and “consider me a success.” Sample inclusion items began with the opening prompt of “most of the time,” followed by statements such as “feel warmly toward me,” “include me in their social activities,” “see me as fitting in,” and “would be willing to be friends with me.” The researchers then correlated scores on these two scales with standard measures of narcissism and self-esteem.</p> <p>As the authors predicted, scores on both the status and inclusion measures predicted ordinary (non-narcissistic) self-esteem, but narcissism was related only to scores on the status scale. Narcissism, then, appeared to operate according to the hierometer model. As these were correlational findings, Mahadevan and her collaborators then went on to test the two alternative models using an experimental design for which they recruited samples of undergraduate participants.  </p> <p>In the two experimental studies that followed, participants completed questionnaires measuring status and inclusion and were given false feedback about their scores, leading them to think either that they had scored high or low on the measure associated with the experimental condition (i.e. either high/low status or high/low inclusion). In the high status condition, the participants read feedback that included such praise as “People will tend to admire you, and think highly of your abilities and talents.” In the high inclusion feedback condition, participants were told “Statistically, you are much more likely than your peers to be liked, to feel you belong, and to come across as one of the group.” The researchers provided the opposite feedback to participants assigned to one of the low conditions. Following these manipulations, participants completed measures of narcissism and self-esteem.</p> <p>In these two experimental studies, the status manipulation predicted both self-esteem and narcissism, but the inclusion feedback had an effect only on self-esteem. Thus, narcissism acted as a hierometer meaning, again, that it is highly attuned to status rather than social acceptance in general. Being liked, as indicated by the inclusion measure, did nothing for the self-esteem of people high in narcissism, and when given positive inclusion feedback, people’s levels of narcissism didn’t respond. As the authors concluded, “Indeed, when it comes to narcissistic self-regard, social inclusion may be irrelevant, or even antithetical to it. As long as one receives respect and admiration, this type of self-regard may not “care” about levels of social inclusion” (p. 15).</p> <p>Returning to the question of your apparently status-conscious co-worker, the British findings suggest that she’s using these symbols of success in a narcissistic manner to remind her (and those around her) of her high social standing. Further, she may not particularly care whether you like her or not, as long as you admire her for her accomplishments. If the sense of entitlement that went with her narcissistic tendencies weren’t so off-putting, you might be tempted to think “Sad!” when you go by her desk.</p> <p>To sum up, the Mahadevan et al. findings show that narcissism may indeed operate on a plane independent of the need to be liked that we associate with its constant clamouring for attention. The need for inclusion is a far more socially adaptive approach that, in the long run, can prove far more important for fulfillment.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss. Republished with permission of</em> <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com" target="_blank"><em><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today.</span></strong></em></a></p>

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Your ultimate guide to identifying a narcissist

<p><strong><em>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</em></strong></p> <p>With all that is written about identifying narcissism in others, you might think that everything’s been said that could be said about the subject. However, in reality, previous guides to evaluating narcissism have involved making the logical leap from <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at personality">personality</a></strong></span> tests that people answer themselves to the type of assessment that others would make of them. As you can imagine, self-report tests of personality have the potentially fatal flaw, especially for people high in narcissism, of being subject to distortion. Who wants to admit to being grandiose, self-centered, and exploitative? The best personality inventories have built-in controls that detect such distortions, yet they still rely on people reporting on their own qualities, and therefore don’t completely eliminate the lie factor.</p> <p>The main limitation of extrapolating from self-statements to guides that others can use to detect narcissism, then, is that you’re using assessment methods that weren’t designed for that purpose. In their new publication, University of Kentucky <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality-disorders" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at personality disorder">personality disorder</a></strong></span> researchers Josh Oltmanns and colleagues (2018) note that “Fundamental to narcissism is an exaggerated <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/identity" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at self-image">self-image</a></strong></span> that may sorely complicate its assessment.” As a result, of all the scales measuring personality disorders, “Agreement between self and informants is typically the lowest for <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic personality disorder">narcissistic personality disorder</a></strong></span>,” and the less extreme form, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at narcissistic "><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>narcissistic</strong></span> </a>traits. On the flip side, agreement between informants about other people’s narcissistic traits is the highest of all personality disorder-related qualities. Although it is possible to measure narcissism from self-reports, the Oltmanns et al. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/teamwork" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at team">team</a></strong></span> believe that using such methods alone to assess narcissism “may be problematic or incomplete."</p> <p>Across two studies, the University of Kentucky researchers developed and refined their new measure, the Informant Five-Factor Narcissism Inventory (IFFNI). They were particularly interested in being able to identify and distinguish <em>grandiose</em> from <em>vulnerable</em> narcissistic traits. The grandiose traits include the self-aggrandizement that you may associate with narcissism. These traits are the easiest to detect, but in self-report research are the most difficult to quantify, because they are the most difficult for people to admit to having. The vulnerable traits are less easily detectable, because they reflect inner feelings of weakness and inadequacy. The two sets of qualities are clearly related, especially if you believe that all narcissists are attempting to cover up their inner feelings of weakness. Yet they should show a distinction, both in the way that people report about themselves and in the way that others view them.</p> <p>Oltmanns and colleagues first developed the IFFNI on an undergraduate sample in which self-reports by participants were compared with those of informants such as friends, family, and romantic partners. In this initial study, consistent with the grandiose-vulnerable distinction, informant-self discrepancies were higher for vulnerable than for grandiose. In other words, those high in grandiose narcissism weren’t that reluctant to admit to having these self-promoting and ego-enhancing tendencies, but their weak inner core remained elusive to informants.</p> <p>The second investigation involved an online sample of adults who the researchers placed in either the grandiose or narcissist condition for completing the IFFNI. In other words, participants were instructed to respond for a person who they felt met the criteria for being one or the other forms of narcissist. This was a procedure the researchers devised for a previous study in which they established its validity. If participants couldn’t identify someone they knew who fit the description, they didn’t complete the study. The remaining participants were equally divided into the two conditions, for a total of 211 in the sample averaging 38 years old and including a range of racial and ethnic groups. Interestingly, two-thirds of the male targets fit the grandiose condition, and two-thirds fit the vulnerable.</p> <p>Looking across the two studies, the authors concluded that the IFFNI provided scores on narcissism by informants that met the methodological tests for a good assessment instrument. Additionally, in the first study, the authors were able to gain insight into the perceived adaptation of people high in narcissism as rated by others vs. themselves. A well-known fact about people high in narcissism is that they’re highly likable and attractive — unless you know them well, at which point they start to wear out their welcome. Oltmanns et al. therefore included a measure of social dysfunction that included items such as “I am difficult to get along with,” which participants in the first study used to rate themselves and their targets. Even though the targets in that study were people that participants generally liked, the participants believed the targets to be less socially adept than the target did themselves.</p> <p>Along these lines, one final result based on ratings by informants in the second study bears mentioning, and this concerns scores on an additional measure — that of pathological narcissism. The scale measuring this quality looks for such maladaptive features as “entitlement rage,” or being incensed at feeling slighted. Theoretically, vulnerable narcissists should be the ones to receive high scores on this measure. However, with informants providing the ratings instead of the targets themselves, the findings suggest that “there may be a good deal of vulnerability” in grandiose narcissism.</p> <p>These findings make clear that informants can do as good a job, if not better, at characterizing the narcissists in their own social worlds. With this in mind, let’s look at the 15 informant indicators from the IFFNI that you could use to evaluate the narcissists in yours (the <strong>G</strong> and <strong>V</strong> indicate grandiose and vulnerable, respectively):</p> <p><strong>1. Reactive <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anger" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at anger">anger</a></span> (V):</strong> Becoming enraged when they perceive a personal slight.</p> <p><strong>2. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/embarrassment" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Shame">Shame</a></span> (V):</strong> Made easily to feel bad about a real or imagined wrongdoing.</p> <p><strong>3. Indifference (G):</strong> Not caring about how other people feel.</p> <p><strong>4. Need for admiration (V):</strong><strong> </strong>Being in need of positive affirmation.</p> <p><strong>5. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/exhibitionism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Exhibitionism">Exhibitionism</a></span> (G):</strong> Showing off the qualities they perceive as being positive.</p> <p><strong>6. Authoritativeness (G):</strong> Seeming to be the expert on everything.</p> <p><strong>7. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sensation-seeking" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Thrill-seeking">Thrill-seeking</a></span> (G):</strong> Deriving pleasure from taking risks.</p> <p><strong>8. Grandiose <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fantasies" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at fantasies">fantasies</a></span> (G):</strong> Seeing themselves as excelling at everything they do.</p> <p><strong>9. <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/pessimism" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at Cynicism">Cynicism</a></span>/distrust (V):</strong> Being unable to show <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/religion" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at faith">faith</a></strong></span> in others.</p> <p><strong>10. Manipulativeness (G):</strong> Trying to get others to follow their wishes.</p> <p><strong>11. Exploitativeness (G):</strong> Using people for their own purposes.</p> <p><strong>12. Entitlement (G):</strong> Feeling that others owe them something, and being unable to give in return.</p> <p><strong>13. Arrogance (G):</strong> Not believing they should be held accountable for their actions.</p> <p><strong>14. Lack of <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/empathy" target="_blank" title="Psychology Today looks at empathy">empathy</a></span></strong> <strong>(G):</strong> Not caring, or being able to care, about other people’s feelings.</p> <p><strong>15. Acclaim-seeking (G):</strong> Wanting to be recognized by others for their accomplishments.</p> <p>Now that you can see the breakdown of the two subsets of narcissism, you can see how easy it might be to miss people whose narcissism is slightly hidden and perhaps more painful than the narcissism of the grandiose. Even though the grandiose suffer from some illusions about their social success, or perhaps <em>because</em> they do, their difficulties will create fewer personal struggles. You might still like these individuals, but not without some cost to you, especially if you don’t go along with their entitled demands and fantasies of greatness.</p> <p>Oltmanns et. al's findings can provide you with helpful insights as you attempt to navigate the difficult waters of relating to people high in narcissism. If nothing else, these are concrete warning signs you can use to decide whether they’re worth the emotional costs of a relationship.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com" target="_blank">Psychology Today.</a></span></strong></em></p>

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10 essential tips for making better conversation

<p><em><strong>Susan Krauss Whitbourne is a professor of Psychology and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. She writes the Fulfilment at Any Age blog for Psychology Today.</strong></em></p> <p>You and your partner are having a quiet dinner at home, but perhaps you are finding it a bit too quiet. Although you don't feel that communication has ever been an issue for you, it seems that lately you’ve run out of fresh things to say. Or perhaps you’re sharing a commute with your carpool buddy, and the minutes seem to be dragging on without any new topics to cover. The ride goes much faster when you can enjoy a good chat, but now you just can’t wait to arrive at your destination. Not knowing what to talk about can also affect you in social situations, such as an office party or a neighbourhood get-together. You’re in the corner with a co-worker or person from down the street, and just keep coming up short when the conversation switches to you.</p> <p>In a new study published by Joshy Jacob Vazhappilly and Marc Reyes (2017) of the University of Santo Tomas (Manila), the efficacy of an intervention designed to help distressed marital partners learn to communicate better was evaluated. Although applied in a treatment situation, their “Emotion-Focused Couples Communication Program (ECCP)” could have broader applicability to any situation in which you find yourself unable to communicate in ways consistent with your wishes. In couples, as they point out, “healthy communication nurtures human relationship."</p> <p>ECCP trains couples over the course of a nine-module series. Some modules include training partners to listen with empathy (“with giraffe’s ears”), meaning to listen without judgment and to take criticism “jovially.” Other modules train couples to be genuine and truthful in turn, and to avoid “should-talks.” As they get further into the training, couples “use a new language of loving relationship of understanding and accepting.” Vazhappilly and Reyes evaluated the intervention’s efficacy on the marital satisfaction and communication scores of 32 Indian couples. There was no control group, but over the course of the five-week training, couples showed significant improvement on these two outcome measures.</p> <p>You may not feel you need such an intervention to get along better with your carpool partner, but the basic principles of ECCP could prove translatable to a variety of situations involving communication, particularly when you feel stuck. With these findings in mind, let’s take a look at 10 ways that you can become a better communicator when your conversations hit a bump in the road.</p> <p><strong>1. Listen to what the other person is saying</strong></p> <p>If you’re <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201712/easy-ways-tell-whether-you-re-inadvertent-narcissist" target="_blank">too focused on what you should say next,</a></strong></span> you’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of you. These could be areas of similarity between you and a person you’ve just met (such as having the same birthday), or lead-ins that your spouse provides which give you an opportunity to find out more. Either way, you’ll seem like someone who really has an interest in the other person, and you’ll also come up with further conversation topics.</p> <p><strong>2. Express yourself openly and honestly</strong></p> <p>People can sniff out insincerity pretty well, and if you’re covering up, they’ll feel less like confiding in you.</p> <p><strong>3. Avoid making judgments</strong></p> <p>No matter whether the person you’re talking to is your romantic partner or a relative stranger, if you come across as judgmental, the other person will feel less like confiding in you.</p> <p><strong>4. Look for obvious cues as conversation jumping-off points</strong></p> <p>People you don’t know that well may reveal features about their interests or background just by what they’re wearing. Someone wearing clothes with sport team logos gives you the opportunity to ask about their fan allegiance, which can make for interesting conversation if the team is from another city or country. Unusual or particularly artistic jewellery is another conversation-starter.</p> <p><strong>5. Stay on top of the news, and store some of it away so that you can chat about it later</strong></p> <p>You might not want to get into a serious political discussion with someone you hardly know, but some events from the national or local news can present interesting titbits. There certainly is plenty going on to provide rich fodder for conversation, as long as you steer clear of particularly sensitive topics.</p> <p><strong>6. Come up with an agenda</strong></p> <p>Just as meetings run more smoothly with a predetermined set of topics, your social conversations could benefit by similar planning. If you know you’ll be in the car with your carpool partner for an hour, think of three or four things you think would be fun to kick around. Similarly, with your romantic partner, planning a list of items you can cover at dinner could also keep the conversation alive.</p> <p><strong>7. Don’t be scared by silence</strong></p> <p>A quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed, or that you’ve become uninteresting. Sometimes a little break can give each of you a chance to refocus.</p> <p><strong>8. Note whether the other person would like to break off the conversation</strong></p> <p>To be a better conversation partner, you sometimes need to know when to close as well as to open. If people sense that you don’t know when to stop talking, whether it’s saying goodbye at the door or letting your partner get on to other tasks around the house, they’ll tend to stay away from getting entangled in what they’ll perceive as a tedious interaction.</p> <p><strong>9. Be careful about making jokes that will be perceived as insensitive</strong></p> <p>You and your partner likely have a somewhat broader range of potentially offensive topics that you can openly discuss than would you would with someone you hardly know. It’s much harder to back off from an unfortunate comment with people who aren't your closest friends or family members.</p> <p><strong>10. Use conversations with new people as practice for improving your skills</strong></p> <p>The ECCP intervention was focused on married couples, but its principles can be translated to a variety of less intense situations. Let’s say you’re seated next to someone you’ve never met at a dinner for supporters of a local cause. The chances are good that you already have things in common, so make it your goal to find out what they are, and let the conversation evolve around these solid talking points. Honing your abilities in this way will give you greater confidence to help other conversations flow in the future.</p> <p>Being able to keep the conversation going can certainly build the bonds between you and the people you care about the most. And if you’re trying to have an enjoyable evening with someone you’ve just met, these primers may lead to surprising outcomes that can broaden your fulfillment in unexpected ways.</p> <p><em>Written by Susan Krauss Whitbourne. Republished with permission of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Psychology Today</span></strong></a>.</em></p>

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Conversations I have with my palliative care patients

<p><em><strong>Dr Matthew Grant is a Palliative Medicine Physician and Research Fellow at Monash University.</strong></em></p> <p>When I introduce myself to a patient as a palliative care doctor, the question that often follows is: “Am I dying?”</p> <p>I guess in one sense we’re all dying. In this case, though, the question implies an immediacy. Yet working in palliative care involves surprisingly little immediate dying.</p> <p>Yes we work with people who have incurable illnesses, but their prognoses vary between weeks, months and even years. And we see other patients potentially being cured but who experience significant side effects from treatment.</p> <p>Our team works in clinics, in the hospital, out in the community, at the chemotherapy centre, and in our palliative care or hospice units.</p> <p>Here is a snapshot of the conversations I have in a working day, and they involve discussions of life far more than they do death.</p> <p><strong>Keith</strong></p> <p>Keith visits the clinic every two months. “Hey Doc, I ain’t carked it yet. Bloody cancer is lazy.”</p> <p>“The cancer must be waiting for the Tigers to win the premiership,” I reply.</p> <p>Keith is in his late 70s and describes himself as having “a good and slightly mischievous life”. He has colon cancer, which has spread to his liver and lungs.</p> <p>Initially, he had chemotherapy but experienced significant side effects requiring two hospitalisations. He then decided the most important thing was enjoying time with friends, family and his two dogs, so he opted to cease chemotherapy.</p> <p>Our palliative care team saw him on his second visit to hospital to address his pain. Keith visits the clinic every two months to manage his appetite and fatigue, and discuss progress and his choices for the future.</p> <p>“While I feel good, let me be. When I’m not, let me go,” he’s said to me.</p> <p>As a doctor, knowing what people want is of vital importance. And these discussions are valuable for us to gather the kind of information we need to know exactly what treatments to provide for that person.</p> <p>Family members <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://www.bmj.com/content/340/bmj.c1345" target="_blank">report less distress</a></strong></span> when they know what kinds of treatments their loved one wants – as they aren’t shouldered with the burden of making difficult decisions at emotional times.</p> <p>Advance care plans, which set out the patient’s preferences, are invaluable in this instance for both family members and doctors. Their value is in allowing that person the agency of control, especially when their life is not being dictated on their own terms.</p> <p>Keith will die, maybe in two months, maybe in ten. The conversation today is not about that though. Right now, Keith struggles with fatigue and poor appetite, which we discuss in detail. “I feel OK at the moment and can deal with feeling a bit crappy at times, especially with having all the family around.”</p> <p>Keith discusses his love for his children and Richmond’s forward line. We talk about some ideas for his appetite and organise prescriptions for an upcoming holiday with his wife.</p> <p><strong>Christos</strong></p> <p>Christos breathes deeply on his way to the chair. Greetings wait until he has had time to catch his breath.</p> <p>“How are you, Chris?” I ask.</p> <p>“Well, I ain’t done much since I saw you last month. But no visits to hospital, so not all bad. Still feel crap though.”</p> <p>Chris has been a heavy smoker since the age of 14. He is now 58 and struggles to walk 20 metres or dress himself. He lives alone in a nearby council flat, which he rarely leaves. Life is a constant struggle.</p> <p>He has end-stage lung disease from smoking and is a frequent visitor to the emergency department during infections. He visits our clinic monthly to manage his breathing and anxiety and to organise home nursing support, all of which <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://erj.ersjournals.com/content/32/3/796" target="_blank">can improve his quality of life</a></strong></span>.</p> <p>Chris is not dying. We expect he will have further lung infections in the near future, which he may survive, or he may die from.</p> <p>“My sister keeps giving me grief about smoking. I have told her my lungs are already stuffed, so what’s it going to matter? Do you reckon I should quit?” Chris asks.</p> <p>“It depends on what you want,” I answer. “Quitting might slow down the process of your lungs deteriorating, but it probably isn’t going to make your breathing much better.”</p> <p>“So I will live longer?”</p> <p>“Yeah, it might make you live longer, but you will be living like you are now.”</p> <p>“Bugger that!” Chris exclaims. “I can barely look after myself now. Why would I want to extend that?”</p> <p>“Do you enjoy smoking?” I ask. Smoking is Chris’s choice, and it may give him pleasure in the short time he may have left.</p> <p>“Well, yeah, I do. I know it’s going to kill me, but at least it’s my choice to do it.”</p> <p><strong>Sharon</strong></p> <p>Sharon is in her late 40s and has spent much of the last few months in and out of hospital. For most of the last decade she has been “fighting” metastatic breast cancer, which continues to progress despite trying every available treatment.</p> <p>As a consequence of chemotherapy she suffers from severe heart failure, causing her to be profoundly fatigued.</p> <p>“I am feeling so much better today; definitely will be going home tomorrow,” she states as I enter the hospital room. “If I keep getting stronger we can hopefully look at another chemo or a trial in a few weeks.”</p> <p>“Great to hear you are feeling better, Sharon. How are the family?” I ask.</p> <p>I have met Sharon’s husband and two teenage children a number of times. They are struggling to keep their lives together while having a wife and mum who is deteriorating. They know she is dying, but feel unable to talk to her about it.</p> <p>I have talked to Sharon’s oncologist, who has discussed with her there are not any more treatment options for her cancer. Right now, Sharon struggles to get out of bed. Further chemotherapy is likely to make her very unwell or even cause her death.</p> <p>Balancing these hopes with realities is immensely difficult. It would be cruel to destroy hope, but it would be equally cruel to pretend everything would be just fine.</p> <p>“What are your thoughts if there aren’t any more chemo options?” I ask.</p> <p>“I’m going to keep fighting. That is who I am. I’m going to keep getting stronger and beat this thing for my kids,” she replies.</p> <p>“Good on you, Sharon, let’s focus on that. Some people might want to also discuss their plans if things don’t go so well. Is that something you might want to chat about?”</p> <p>“No thanks, not for today. Today is a good day.”</p> <p><strong>Reflections</strong></p> <p>These are interactions dealing with the most difficult of topics, our own mortality. The most important aspect of these conversations is understanding what that person wants, now and in the future. And, to be honest, I wouldn’t know what I would want were I in their shoes.</p> <p>I can’t presume to know for them, nor should we as health professionals try. I don’t know what it is to struggle constantly for each breath, or to want another hour with my children.</p> <p>We may be able to answer conclusively that further chemotherapy or cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/article-abstract/2301381" target="_blank">will not help Sharon</a></strong></span>. But in her situation she might cling to any chance that would mean spending more time with her family. “Fighting” may be a <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong><a href="https://search.proquest.com/openview/58173787e55bb1afd558ac63e7ec0ab7/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&amp;cbl=38461" target="_blank">coping mechanism</a></strong></span> for many, especially when they may see no way out.</p> <p>Not everyone will feel comfortable talking about their future treatment plans like Keith. It’s important I allow Sharon to decide whether or not she wants to talk about a future where she dies, just as I shouldn’t necessarily dissuade Christos from smoking if it gives him pleasure.</p> <p>Engaging in these conversations is the most important part of my job. Some people do not want to discuss what might be impending, while others may make decisions we might consider foolhardy. That is their choice.</p> <p><em>Written by Matthew Grant. Republished with permission of <a href="http://theconversation.com/" target="_blank"><strong><span style="text-decoration: underline;">The Conversation</span></strong></a>. </em><img width="1" height="1" src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/82247/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-advanced" alt="The Conversation"/></p>

Caring

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How to navigate difficult conversations at Christmas lunch

<p>Christmas is often a time when family comes together that may not see each other all that often. For this reason it’s often a time for having difficult conversations to flare up (or need to be brought up).</p> <p>Whether it’s differing political views, financial woes or needing to arrange care for an elderly relative – these difficult conversations can be just plain hard.</p> <p>How do you bring up the issues without offending or upsetting everybody? Follow our tips to navigate the waters safely.</p> <p>There tend to be three types of conversations that can come up over the festive season when family comes together. There are those that are best avoided (‘So I hope everybody voted in the same way as me in the same sex marriage plebiscite?’); those that you need to have but find it tricky to bring up; and then those that arise naturally in the course of the season that need to be dealt with.</p> <p><strong>1. Conversations to avoid</strong></p> <p>Politics, religion, war – whatever sets your family members’ temperature on fire is best left away from the Christmas meal. If you’re the host, let people know upfront that you have a few ‘house rules’ and that these topics are off limits. Then you can quickly interject with a ‘not at my table!’ if any discussions start up that you know could end badly. If you’re not the host, you can always steer the conversation away by saying ‘I think this conversation is not suitable for the table, let’s shelve it for now.’</p> <p><strong>2. Conversations to plan for</strong></p> <p>Sometimes there are things that need to be discussed, such as making medical or care-based decisions for a sick or elderly relative. In this instance, it’s best arranged for a specific time post Christmas where the relevant parties (not the whole extended family) can get together in a calm space to talk. These are not the chats to have while carving the turkey, they are private and should be planned for in that manner. Again it’s a matter of interjecting if the topic comes up in the wrong space. Grandkids don’t need to be present while great aunt Josephine’s nursing home options are discussed, or when someone takes issue with their long-lost cousin’s will.</p> <p><strong>3. Conversations to deal with</strong></p> <p>Often the heightened emotion of an extended family coming together (and more often than not, alcohol) can bring up new or old issues that need to be dealt with. For instance a relative may feel comfortable enough to share with the group that they have been battling with depression or financial stress. In this instance, if appropriate, suggest taking the conversation somewhere private or arrange a time to have a proper discussion without any distractions. People often just want to feel as though someone is willing to listen to them, so they will most likely appreciate the fact that you care enough to discuss it while respecting their privacy.</p> <p>Have you had to deal with some tough conversations across the Christmas table? We would love to hear how you resolved the issues with your family. Please share in the comments.</p>

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The Queen's secret weapon for getting out of conversations

<p><span>The Queen has a schedule that is jampacked with social engagements that even the best chatterbox could feel a little tired sometimes.</span></p> <p><span>To help her out when the conversation gets awkward when she is hosting guests, the Queen has a trick that she is reported to use time and time again.</span></p> <p><span>According to </span><em><span>The Express</span></em><span>, the Queen’s method is known as the “dog mechanism” to members of her family and involves Her Majesty ducking her head under the table to feed her dogs.</span></p> <p><span>If the Queen needs an escape from the dinner conversation, she ducks her head under the table and no one thinks anything of it because she is known to love her corgis.</span></p> <p><span>The Queen’s corgis are known to be treated to a very lavish life at Buckingham Palace and they are reportedly served fish, steak, rabbit or chicken for dinner.</span></p> <p><span>In an interview with </span><em><span>Town &amp; Country</span></em><span> magazine, Dr Roger Mugford revealed how dinner is served to the Queen’s dogs.</span></p> <p><span>“At feeding times, each dog had an individually designed menu, including an array of homeopathic and herbal remedies.</span></p> <p><span>“Their food was served by a butler in an eclectic collection of battered silver and porcelain dishes.</span></p> <p><span>“As I watched, the Queen got the corgis to sit in a semi-circle around her, and then fed them one by one, in order of seniority. The others just sat and patiently waited their turn.”</span></p>

Mind