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‘We lose ourselves’: carers talk about the lonely, stressful work of looking after loved ones

<a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/fleur-sharafizad-1138251">Fleur Sharafizad</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/esme-franken-947855">Esme Franken</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/uma-jogulu-1278812">Uma Jogulu</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a> An informal personal carer is someone who looks after a family member, neighbour or friend in need of care due to disability, illness or age. In Australia, there are approximately 2.8 million informal personal carers, including 906,000 who are primary carers. Projections suggest the national demand for carers will <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/FINAL-Value-of-Informal-Care-22-May-2020_No-CIC.pdf">rise 23% by 2030</a>. Around one in ten Australians are informal carers: <a href="https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/australias-welfare/informal-carers">most of these unpaid</a>. This group of people support one of society’s most foundational needs and our economy would struggle without them. Yet, little is understood about their experiences. <a href="https://bristoluniversitypressdigital.com/view/journals/ijcc/aop/article-10.1332-239788223X16789866214981/article-10.1332-239788223X16789866214981.xml">Our recent research</a> reveals how this group of carers lack necessary support for their own wellbeing. <h2>Our research</h2> We interviewed 36 informal personal primary carers living across Western Australia and Queensland. Respondents were aged between 34 and 69 years, and had all been the primary carer for a child, parent, partner, or in-law, for between two and 21 years. Data was collected in two waves: one in 2020 and the other in 2021. Respondents were recruited with the help of an Australian carers’ organisation. <h2>‘I’d rather it be someone else’s problem’</h2> Many of the carers we spoke to said they were not caring by choice, but by necessity. They said they feel both unseen and undervalued. A husband who had been caring for his wife who suffers from Alzheimer’s said: "I would rather work. I really don’t like being a carer. I’d rather it be someone else’s problem. Being a carer, you just get forgotten." Carers generally provide care around-the-clock, yet their compensations (such as <a href="https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/carer-payment">carer payments</a>) are far from equivalent to full-time pay. The carer payment, for example, equates to only <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/programs-projects/caring-costs-us/">28% of weekly ordinary time earnings</a> in Australia, and carers can expect to lose <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/carers-are-17700-worse-off-every-year-in-superannuation-payments/#:%7E:text=Caring%20Costs%20Us%3A%20The%20economic%20impact%20on%20lifetime,every%20year%20they%20are%20in%20that%20caring%20role.">approximately $17,700 in superannuation</a> every year they provide care. Few of <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/FINAL-Carers-Australia-2023-24-Jan-2023-Budget-Submission.pdf">Carers Australia’s pre-budget submission items</a> to benefit carers were adopted in the most recent federal budget. Instead, the budget contained items which may indirectly benefit carers through <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/2023-24-Budget-What-it-means-for-carers.pdf">increased support for the cared-for</a>. But these measures do not explicitly recognise and support carers’ wellbeing. Similarly, the recent draft of the <a href="https://www.pmc.gov.au/resources/draft-national-strategy-care-and-support-economy">National Strategy for the Care and Support Economy</a> recognises the contribution informal carers make to Australia’s economy but focuses on paid care and support. Our interviewees spoke about the personal costs of their work, and the stress and loneliness they experience. They shared feelings of being taken for granted as if their role was not work, let alone difficult work. One mum caring for her disabled son shared: "I just want people to see that, [a] carer doesn’t have any leave, paid leave, or recognition. People just think that’s your loved one, that’s your job. But I do want people to understand that I did not choose to be a carer as my career, but I will do it because it is important." This played into a feeling of people losing their sense of self, because caring work was so demanding and time consuming. A mother who had been caring for her daughter for 17 years after she had been involved in an accident said, "People don’t realise how much we put our life on hold to support the people that need that emotional and mental and physical and spiritual support. We put ourselves in the back shed while we’re supporting them, so we lose ourselves." <h2>A mental toll</h2> Many spoke of how they once had individual goals and ambitions, which they now considered unachievable. All of our interviewees had quit jobs and halted careers to take on personal care full-time. One mother caring for her ill child said: "I think if I had a crystal ball, I don’t know that I would perhaps have become a parent, I think I would have just stuck to my corporate life and had a cat and be done with it." The mental health toll experienced by carers in our study was clear throughout all interviews. A mother looking after her child with mental health challenges expressed: "Every carer has mental health impacts from being a carer. They won’t say it’s depression or anxiety, but it’s mental health because when the hierarchy of needs is not being met for you, you can’t provide them for somebody else." As one interviewee explained, the demanding nature of the work had left them exhausted and as though they “can’t do it”. Our interviewees spoke of “falling apart” under the strain of constantly caring for high-needs people in their households. One mother who cared for her children who were both on the autism spectrum recalled: "How many times, if I don’t go to the bathroom and have a shower to cool down myself, I could kill the kids and myself easily. That’s how bad. We are not ever in the category to get help." <h2>Feeling abandoned</h2> Because so much of their work happens in pre-existing relationships and behind closed doors, carers talked about not just feeling unseen but abandoned. A common theme across all interviews was how carers felt abandoned by institutions, health professionals and, in many cases, friends and family members. One husband who had cared for his wife for close to 20 years said: "The government doesn’t even care about the carers […] we’re not really getting anything and then they’re trying to take the crumbs off us." Carers do not have psychological, institutional or social support for themselves as individuals, separate from their role. But these support pillars are necessary so the entire responsibility of care does not fall solely on informal carers. <a href="https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/FINAL-Carers-Australia-2023-24-Jan-2023-Budget-Submission.pdf">Carer-inclusive activities</a> could be a good start. But policy should also be responsive to the unique and unmet needs of carers. These relate to the lack of personal and professional development, feelings of abandonment and social isolation. With an ageing population, a pandemic, and an emerging crisis over the quality of care for older Australians and people with disabilities, the role of informal carers has become increasingly important. The truth is that most of us will likely, at some point, undertake care work or be the person being cared for. Better formalised support for carers will ultimately improve the care for the most vulnerable among us and society as a whole. If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call <a href="http://lifeline.org.au/">Lifeline</a> on 13 11 14. <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/fleur-sharafizad-1138251">Fleur Sharafizad</a>, Lecturer in Management, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a>; <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/esme-franken-947855">Esme Franken</a>, Lecturer in Management, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a>, and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/uma-jogulu-1278812">Uma Jogulu</a>, Senior Lecturer, School of Business and Law, <a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/edith-cowan-university-720">Edith Cowan University</a> Image credits: Getty Images This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/we-lose-ourselves-carers-talk-about-the-lonely-stressful-work-of-looking-after-loved-ones-206409">original article</a>.

Caring

5 simple steps to effectively manage carer’s stress

Being a carer for a loved one is a full-time job with plenty of demands – which sometime means you have to make sacrifices, however, carers do what they do because they want to be able to show their love and help out in any way they can. The key to good caring is balance. Health and happiness are necessary otherwise if your mood is constantly low and your energy too, you may end be the one in need of a care. Follow these five tips to help you stay on the healthy and happing side of caring for someone. 1. Putting YOU first Carers can’t afford to burnout, which is why you need to make yourself the best you can possibly be. This can be achieved by regularly eating nutritious meals and making sure you get adequate sleep in order to function at your best. Daily exercise, be it walking the dog or a dance class, will also help to make sure you stay fit and to enhance your energy levels. Also make sure you get health checks with your doctor on a regular basis. 2. Staying social Isolation increases stress so it’s vital to keep active and social with others. Getting together regularly with friends and relatives reminds you that you always have a support network and it’s also a nice way to catch up, chat and vent about issues. 3. Community resources Feel comfortable to look and ask for outside help. There are plenty of service providers that can assist you, including home health aides, carer’s breaks and day trips, training and support, home repair services and plenty of community volunteers. 4. Break time Resting and having time out is crucial in order to be a happy healthy carer. Find a hobby and maintain it regularly. Visit friends and relatives who will take over caring duties on the weekend or some weeknights. Also, start thinking about the future and consider that there might come a point that you need to look at a nursing home for the person you are caring for. 5. Whole self-awareness Remember to stay positive and avoid negativity at all costs. Remember what you are doing and why you are doing it. The benefits of your help and why you were placed on earth. Embrace life and yearn to make a difference to everyone else’s. Talk to relatives, friends and don’t forget to talk to us too. Image: Getty

Caring

How to care for ageing parents: Strategies for the sandwich generation

The burden of the sandwich generationMum hurt her foot. That’s the only detail you can lure out of her over the phone, which right now makes the distance between the two of you feel that much farther. She’s limping and doesn’t want to go to a doctor. Instead, she wants you to look at it, ignoring the fact that you have a full-time job, two kids and, oh yeah, you live three hours away. Sound familiar? Managing the seniors in your life, whether it’s helping them through their health problems or clearing up insurance issues, is the burden of the sandwich generation.So how can you care for ageing parents when you’re far from home and juggling the responsibility of raising your own family? Here are some strategies from professional caregivers that can help you to help them – even if you live on opposite sides of the country.Make a plan for senior care before it becomes an issue“The older generation can be secretive, but the sandwich generation is more open and aware that communication is important,” says Karen Seebach, a nurse advisor with a caregiver support service. “You need to have a conversation in advance about what they would like to do as they age. Do they want to stay in their home? Does someone have power of attorney? These conversations are very important to start early on.”Read between the linesDad says he’s fine on the phone, but you suspect he’s not taking his medications. The litmus test? Look for a change in the way he communicates. “If a parent is usually chatty and has become quieter, that’s something you need to pay attention to,” says Luanne Whitmarsh, chief executive officer at an organisation assisting seniors. Inconsistent communication from your ageing parent is a red flag that warrants deeper investigation.Create a support networkYou might be tempted to take the day off work to check out that sore foot your mum was complaining about – and you’re not alone. Many caregivers who live more than a half day’s travel away from their ill parent are missing full days of work to help provide care. Instead, get to know the people who interact with your ageing parents day to day. “Become familiar with the neighbours or a house cleaner or something like that,” suggests Whitmarsh. “This way, they can give you the real information you may not be getting.”Research senior outreach services“The more isolated a senior becomes, the more risk there is,” says Joanne Toller, senior fund developer with a seniors resource group. She suggests doing homework on behalf of your ageing parents to find outreach services in their area or organisations that can provide referrals to services that can help seniors with day-to-day tasks. These might include driving services, foot care clinics (look for brochures at doctor’s offices and walk-in clinics) and meal delivery services. More support can be found by making inquiries with the local municipal government, service clubs and churches.Speak with your own doctorMum’s sounding much more confused lately and you’re worried about dementia. You could call your mum’s physician to discuss the issue, or, as Whitmarsh suggests, you could express your concerns to your own doctor, with whom you already have a relationship. Explain what you’ve observed and share the contact information for your mother’s doctor. “Doctor to doctor, they have a way better way of communicating and have a given level of trust,” Whitmarsh says.Image credits: Getty ImagesThis article originally appeared on <a href="https://www.readersdigest.co.nz/true-stories-lifestyle/relationships/how-to-care-for-ageing-parents-strategies-for-the-sandwich-generation" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Reader's Digest</a>.

Family & Pets

4 unwanted thoughts every carer has at least once

Looking after a partner, family member or friend as a carer is a demanding, often unappreciated job. Many people who find themselves in a carer’s role do so without much support, meaning that they can find it hard to take time off for themselves. The thing to remember as a carer is that you are not alone. If you are having thoughts like the ones below, you are not a bad person. You are a human. Read through our list and see if you identify with any of these internal monologues. 1. When are they just going to die? Yes, let’s start with that doozy. Watching a loved one suffer through illness can be heartbreaking, and often we feel that death would release both of you from the pain. Wishing that they would ‘let go’ and die does not make you a terrible, morbid person. It’s very normal to think these thoughts. Finding someone to speak with, whether it’s a psychologist or a trusted friend, can really help reduce the stress that being a carer can bring. 2. Nobody appreciates what I do Many people under care don’t even realise that what you are doing is a selfless act of love. They can be caught up in mental health problems, or pain, and lash out at you or be cruel and bossy. The situation you’ve found yourself in has become one where you give and give without getting much back. In this situation it may be time to put your hand up and ask for some extra support so that you can have a well-earned break. This may be other family members stepping in to assist you, a formalised paid carer coming in to offer you a chance to take time off, or just a one off break for a few weeks to go on holiday or do something for yourself. 3. It breaks my heart to see them like this, I don’t know if I can keep going When you are caring for someone, it can be hard to see them in such a fragile state. Especially if you saw them strong and healthy in years past. Being a carer can take its toll on your mental and physical health, and it’s important to check-in with your own GP regularly. Carers are at risk of depression and burnout; so if you need to speak with someone about how you are feeling, don’t put it off. 4. All I do is give and give. What about my needs? Looking after elderly parents can feel like a strange role reversal, and this role often comes with a lot of baggage from past hurts. It can feel as though you are being belittled, or that you can’t do anything right, and the chance of getting a ‘thanks’ for your hard work is minimal. In this situation, if you feel that the carer role is too much for you, it may be time to seek some help on a permanent basis. You can’t keep going and risk your own health. If it feels like there is a problem there probably is, so reach out to carer support networks, other family members, and find suitable care for your loved one to help ease the load for yourself. Are you a carer who has had any thoughts like this? How did you cope? We would love to hear from you in the comments.

Caring

How to prepare yourself for becoming a carer

If you or somebody that you know is a caregiver in a part or full-time capacity, you’ll know just how hard it can be. It often gets more difficult as time goes on, and many carers leave it quite late before they ask for help. A way to prepare for this situation is to plan ahead when the caregiving commences, so that everyone involved is on the same page about their role. Steps can be taken in advance to set up your home and have some house rules so that everyone knows where they stand. 1. Make preparations for the carer to have regular breaks Often it can feel as though the carer has sacrificed everything in terms of their time, social life and privacy for the person they are caring for. It’s very important never to allow someone to become a 24/7 carer as this puts enormous pressure on them. They need regular breaks – both throughout the day/night, as well as time off for a holiday away from the home. This is where third party support services can come in handy, or perhaps another family member can step in. 2. Ensure privacy for everyone Privacy should be a top priority for the carer, the elderly person, as well as anyone else in the home. That means that if you are moving dad into your home, he will need his own space to sleep and relax. This may mean using some of their money to build a granny flat or small extension. Suddenly having a sick or elderly person in the house can be disruptive for other family members, so allowing them to have their own space allows everyone to do their own thing. Try to set them up so that they can (if appropriate) have social outlets away from you, for instance heading out to a men’s shed or club. 3. Set up their space for a good night’s sleep Some elderly people can find their sleep disrupted to do their illness, anxiety or medication. Ensure that their room is set up with a comfortable bed, blackout blinds so that it’s nice and dark, adequate heating and cooling so that they’re comfortable, and appropriate sleepwear so they’re not too hot or cold. 4. Prepare for the future It’s easy to think about what your elderly mum needs right now, but you actually need to be thinking in advance about her needs. For instance, perhaps she is fine to get into a bathtub now to have a shower, but eventually she may find that difficult. Could you budget and plan for a bathroom renovation that may allow for wheelchair access? Thinking ahead gives you time and the mental headspace to get ready for the next stage. For instance, illnesses such as dementia can deteriorate quickly. Speak with the doctor to get a rough idea of the timeline of their condition to help you make plans. 5. Determine your deal-breakers There’s no need to expect to be a carer for the rest of the elderly patient’s life. Sit down and work out exactly how far you are willing to go in terms of care. For instance, if there are issues with bladder or bowel control, that could be a point where a nursing home may be required. Will your elderly father in law eventually need to be lifted in and out of bed, and are you strong enough to do that for the next five years? Safety is another concern – if you are worried that their mental capacity to raise the alarm in case of fire isn’t there, or you’re concerned that they may wander off onto a busy road, this could be a sign that you are in over your head. Have you got any tips or advice for carers based on your own experience? We would love to hear from you in the comments.

Caring

Why every over-60 should have a pet

Much has been written about the positive impacts pets can have on our health and how they can enrich our lives at any age, but as we grow older, the benefits of owning a cat, dog, or other animal companion only become better and more important – they could even keep you out of an aged care home. Here’s why. As we enter our 70s, 80s and beyond, our lifestyles tend to become much more sedentary. No longer are we running around from work to the supermarket to dinner then to drinks, meaning a lot of the incidental exercise we do throughout the day (that is, the exercise we do without even realising it – think climbing stairs and walking to and from the train station) doesn’t happen. For pet owners, it’s a whole different story. Owning a dog, for instance, comes with the responsibility of keeping them active. “People walk because they want their dog to get exercise, and without realising it, they get theirs,” Rebecca Johnson, nurse gerontologist and director at the Research Centre for Human/Animal Interaction, tells <a href="http://www.nextavenue.org/health-benefits-pets-older-adults/" target="_blank">Next Avenue</a>. A <a href="https://academic.oup.com/gerontologist/article/doi/10.1093/geront/gnw051/2632039/Dog-Walking-the-Human-Animal-Bond-and-Older-Adults" target="_blank">recent study</a> also found other welcome benefits of taking your pooch around the block. “Dog walking was associated with lower body mass index, fewer activities of daily living limitations, fewer doctor visits and more frequent moderate and vigorous exercise,” researchers concluded. Spending time with dogs also makes us less likely to get sick, more resistant to allergies, lowers heart rate and blood pressure. But it’s not just our physical health that can benefit from a fluffy friend. The longer we live, the more hard times we inevitably live through, and the deaths of loved ones, illness and other bad news can be shattering for even the most mentally strong person. A pet is a wonderful companion during these rough patches, as they provide quiet, calming and completely non-judgemental support. And dogs aren’t the only ones. 64-year-old registered nurse Beverly Roberts and husband George believe their Maine Coon mix Anthony and tabby cat Boots are equally as good as dogs when it comes to emotional support. “Cats are very independent, and sometimes you feel they’re the boss of the house,” she tells Next Avenue. “But they can sense feelings. They can be very aloof, but not to us. If we’re sick and in bed, they watch over us. And when they sit on your lap, you feel like your stress is being released.” How has your pet enriched your life over 60? Share your experience with us in the comments below.

Caring

I’m a carer in a society that doesn’t value us

Jenny Stewart, 59, believes caregiving is one of the most difficult jobs around. So why aren’t carers getting the support they need? I have to ask myself who would be looking at being a home support worker as a career option? I have to work two jobs to be able to survive. Also known as carers, we have to be resilient and have a lot of common sense. It gets pretty frustrating that it is so undervalued by society, largely because this is considered "women's work". That's why the issue of equal pay is so important to us. There is a great deal of stress and anxiety with not being able to budget. The insecure hours and the kind of work can be punishing. I work twelve days on, two days off – I have to work a lot of hours to get enough to get by. I'm 59 years old and I get paid $15.20 an hour. That's the minimum wage. I started doing this work as I used to work at the local high school as a teacher's aide but I got completely burnt out in the role. I took up being a home support worker as a fill in, but quickly realised it was what I wanted to do. One of the most difficult parts of this job, is the lack of guaranteed hours. You have very little idea of whether you will get paid the same amount from one week to the next. I now juggle two jobs, I went back to aide work as I wasn't making enough as a carer. My hours dropped down to 14-per-week so now I juggle both. I have heard of people who are in a similar position who find it very difficult to get a loan as the income isn't looked on as reliable. That's tough for a lot of people. The major reward of this kind of work is that you get to make such a difference in people's lives and for their families. It is hard work though. At the moment, I go into people's homes. I shower them, monitoring all the time for bed sores and any differences with their skin. Care workers are often the first people to notice any differences after a fall and make sure the elderly get to a doctor when they need to. We are able to step in and prevent worse injuries. I cover the whole range of personal care as well as cleaning the toilet, the floors and enabling these people to stay in their homes. I clean the catheter site of one of the women I visit. I have to keep that area clean and dress it daily, empty her bag so we deal with faeces and urine. We're intimately involved with people's personal hygiene, their clothing, their medication. I also have several very high needs clients. There are people who've had strokes with mobility issues. I make meals for people and am responsible for their levels of nutrition. It's a varied job and I am the eyes and ears for all sorts of intangible things you wouldn't even think about. I have a dementia patient who is still able to stay in her home because of the care I provide. I have to be very calm and patient and there is no one else there to help me if anything goes wrong. I really feel like we are very vulnerable workers looking after very vulnerable members of our community. We all care about our clients but I see other women like me working into their 70s, caring for the elderly. Many of us just don't have the extra oomph after working to go in to battle for fair and equal wages. This profession needs to be better paid because it's a growing industry and it's much cheaper for government if people stay in their home for as long as possible. Tell us in the comments below, are you a carer? Do you agree with Jenny’s perspective? Written by Jenny Stewart. First appeared on <a href="http://www.stuff.co.nz/" target="_blank">Stuff.co.nz</a>.

Caring

4 ways carers can unwind at the end of the day

Devoting your time to the care of a loved one is one of the most selfless acts a person can do, and although it can be incredibly rewarding, it can also be emotionally and physically taxing. One of the most common problems carers encounter is spending so much time looking after someone else that they have no time to look after themselves. So, if you’re a caregiver, it’s time to pat yourself on the back and celebrate the wonderful things you do for others with a little bit of “me” time. Here are a few ideas to inspire your next self-care session. 1. Get the blood pumping Caregiving can stir up a range of unwanted emotions, from anger and resentment to guilt and pity. Sometimes, the best thing to do is let out your frustrations physically. Anything that gets the heart rate up (running, hiking, skipping) will do, but if you’re feeling particularly tense, there’s nothing better picking up some boxing gloves and releasing your negative energy on a punching bag. 2. Treat yourself When was the last time you visited your favourite restaurant or café? Take the next spare opportunity you have to do so. Or, if culinary delights aren’t your thing, why not book a spa day? A facial, pedicure or massage always does the trick, or even a bubble bath at home (complete with a glass of wine and some chocolate!) if you’d rather save the money. 3. Lose yourself If exercise, your favourite food or relaxing at the spa aren’t enough to calm those caregiving woes, let yourself be absorbed into a gripping book, movie or TV show. It’s only a temporary escape, but an escape nonetheless. 4. Breathe Rarely in our busy lives do we take the time to just breathe. You don’t need to be a meditation pro to perfect a relaxing breathing technique – anyone can do it. A popular breath exercise that reduces stress and even helps insomniacs fall asleep is the 4-7-8 technique. Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold your breath for seven, then exhale through your mouth (making a “whoosh” sound) for eight. Repeat the cycle until you begin to feel it working its magic. Are you a caregiver? What advice do you have for others to help relax at the end of the day? Share your tips with us in the comments below.

Caring

Is it ever ok to lie as a caregiver?

No matter how honest and truthful you may believe yourself to be, the fact is, everyone has told at least one lie in their life. Whether it’s something small like, “I don’t remember you asking me to take the bins out,” or a much more serious betrayal like cheating on a partner, we’re all guilty of being dishonest from time to time. When it comes to caregiving, however, is it ever ok to tell a lie? According to a survey of more than 700 carers by <a href="https://www.agingcare.com/articles/why-caregivers-lie-157559.htm" target="_blank">AgingCare.com</a>, 73 per cent of people taking care of ageing family members have lied to them – and 43 per cent admit they fib at least once a week. So, what are they lying about? For many, it’s all about concealing how they really feel. “65 percent of frequent fibbers say that they tell untruths in order to hide their real emotions from the ones they're taking care of,” the survey found. And, given the vast array of emotions (both <a href="http://www.oversixty.com.au/health/caring/2016/05/the-4-negative-feelings-every-caregiver-experiences/" target="_blank">negative</a> and positive) that caregiving can evoke, it’s not exactly surprising. However, it turns out lying to the person being cared for isn’t necessarily always a bad thing. Researchers have found that “therapeutic lying,” <a href="http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/forensic-psychiatry/therapeutic-lying-contradiction-terms" target="_blank">defined</a> as “the practice of deliberately deceiving patients for reasons considered in their best interest,” may be beneficial when communicating with sufferers of neurodegenerative conditions like dementia. “While therapeutic fibbing isn’t appropriate for every circumstance, when used correctly, it offers a much kinder, practical way to stop troubling behaviour and reduce emotional distress,” Dr Amy D’Aprix writes in a column for <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-amy-d/white-lies-when-fibbing-is-therapeutic_b_3381458.html" target="_blank">The Huffington Post</a>. That being said, however, Dr D’Aprix admits there are some situations in which you should avoid lying – even it if it’ll make your loved one feel better. “It’s not appropriate to tell a therapeutic fib because “the truth will hurt.” In these instances, it denies someone their full human experience. So, when a woman with dementia loses her husband, she’s entitled to know. It may cause significant emotional pain, but grieving is part of the human experience. On the other hand, when therapeutic fibbing positively impacts health and well-being, it’s very useful.” Are you a caregiver? Have you ever used “therapeutic lying” as a method of calming your loved one down? Share you experiences with us in the comments below.

Caring

“Bigger Hearts” film tackles the difficulties of living with dementia

If you’re currently a caregiver for someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease, you’ll know just how difficult, heartbreaking and painful it can be at times. On the other hand, it can also be incredibly rewarding, and it’s so important to remember that no two dementia sufferers are the same – and we, as a community, should be doing more to support them. That’s what Ballarat-based project, <a href="http://www.celebrateageing.com/bigger-hearts.html" target="_blank">Bigger Hearts</a>, is trying to accomplish. By speaking to dementia patients and their carers and learning what kind of support they need, they’re helping to build a more dementia-friendly community. In October last year, the project released the film above, which candidly discusses the challenges of living (and caring for someone) with dementia, and what can be done to improve their quality of life. Watch it for yourself and tell us in the comments below, what do you think communities can do to create more dementia-friendly environments? Source: <a href="http://www.celebrateageing.com/bigger-hearts.html" target="_blank">Bigger Hearts / Celebrate Ageing</a>

Caring

3 things every carer needs

Caregiving for a loved one is one of the most selfless and challenging journeys a person can embark on, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. However, with <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/the-4-negative-feelings-every-caregiver-experiences/" target="_blank">so many carers</a> experiencing stress, anxiety and even resentment, it’s vital to ensure the caregiver themselves is cared for. Here are three essentials every carer should have. Time Anyone who’s had to dedicate their lives to the care of another will know just how time- and energy-consuming it can be – especially if you’re going it alone. Finding the time to look after yourself isn’t always easy, but it’s absolutely necessary in order to maintain your physical and mental health. After all, your loved is relying on you. Each day, take just ten minutes of meditation time. Ten minutes of quietly sitting and clearing your mind of all thoughts is all it takes to drastically improve your sleeping habits, lower stress levels and heart disease risk, relieve pain, boost your productivity and improve relationships, <a href="http://www.mydomainehome.com.au/health-benefits-of-ten-minute-meditation/" target="_blank">studies show</a>. You should also give yourself at least one day a month that’s <a href="/health/mind/2016/07/what-over60s-get-up-to-in-their-spare-time/" target="_blank">all about you</a> – pampering, indulging and relaxing. If getting even one day is difficult, ask a loved one to take over for just a few hours or consider hiring a part-time carer. You may be surprised to learn how easy and affordable<a href="/health/caring/2016/04/tips-to-for-finding-short-term-carer-help/" target="_blank"></a> it can be. Support You devote days, weeks, months and even years to looking after your loved one, but who looks after you? It can be all too easy to get so deeply invested in being a carer that you forget that you yourself need care, too. We all need someone to vent to, to cry and laugh with. And, as important as it is to maintain relationships with friends and family, it might be useful to connect with others who can truly understand what you’re going through – because they’re going through it as well. Contacting your local carer’s support group could be exactly what you need. Carers New Zealand have groups located all over the country, offering confidential and constructive support. <a href="http://www.carers.net.nz/services-support" target="_blank">Click here</a> to learn more about the groups available near you. Distraction When it all gets too much, we need something to take our minds off caregiving and focus on something completely fun and mindless. Whether it’s watching your favourite TV show, kicking back with a book, playing a game on your phone or going for a nice long walk, distraction is often the best solution – at least in the short-term. Make the most of your free time by exploring <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/04/5-new-hobbies-to-try-now/" target="_blank">new hobbies</a>, <a href="/lifestyle/retirement-life/2016/05/free-online-resources-for-education/" target="_blank">learning a new skill</a>, <a href="/lifestyle/relationships/2016/03/websites-to-help-you-make-friends/" target="_blank">meeting new people</a> or just spending some <a href="/health/caring/2016/05/you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-prioritising-yourself/" target="_blank">quality time alone</a>. Tell us in the comments below, are you a carer? What do you like to do in your “me” time after a long day of caregiving? Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/how-to-get-the-best-hospital-care/">How to get the best hospital care</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/8-surprising-things-that-increase-life-expectancy/">8 surprising things that increase life expectancy</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/09/tips-to-cope-with-losing-independence-with-age/">Tips to cope with losing independence with age</a>

Caring

Western Australian family become carers for baby joey

A mother whose intuition told her to turn her car around and check on a kangaroo hit on the side of the road has unexpectedly become a carer to a tiny joey found hidden in the animal's pouch. In a Facebook post, Chloe Enright said she was driving along the road in Dunsborough, Western Australia, with her children on Monday when she spotted the dead kangaroo on the side of the road. "Something told me I needed to go back," she said. "Inside the kangaroo's pouch was a baby joey. "Her mum was still warm but she was gone." Enright pulled the joey out of the pouch, wrapped it in blankets and took her to the vet, where she bought some milk powder and a bottle. She then went to wildlife rescue organisation, FAWNA, to pick up a heated pouch and "other things baby joeys need" so she could care for the tiny survivor. "Here's hoping she makes it," Enright said. "Please always stop and check if you ever hit a kangaroo as there could be a precious baby joey that won't survive without care." The joey will need to be kept constantly warm, and be fed up to four times a day until it is weaned at 18 months. Related links: <a href="/travel/international/2016/09/meet-roger-the-buffest-kangaroo-in-the-world/">Meet Roger, the world’s buffest kangaroo</a> <a href="/news/news/2016/08/man-saves-kangaroo-from-sticky-situation/">Kind stranger saves kangaroo from sticky situation</a> <a href="/travel/international/2016/07/clever-invention-lets-carer-feed-multiple-joeys-at-once/">Clever invention lets carer feed multiple joeys at once</a>

International Travel

What I learnt from my mother’s long journey to death

Maggie Wildblood, 75, has been writing for years and has just completed a memoir. She has won a number of short story competitions, and meets regularly with a group of fellow writers to discuss and critique each others’ work. I say hello, though I can’t tell if you’re awake or asleep. You’re lying on your side in the bed, eyes tightly closed. You’re my mother, 88-years-old, and you’re curled up like a tiny child, hugging yourself. Your once-beautiful hands are like claws; your knees are bent. Is this ultimate withdrawal? Perhaps you’ve retreated to far from the world you’re at your own beginning, or as close as you can get to it. I say hello again. Looking down at you I wonder if I will become like this, like you. Am I looking at my own ending? My mother was 84 when she had a stroke, 88 when she died. A woman who loved to talk, the stroke left her speechless, her greatest fear. Oh, she could speak, but what she said made no sense, and she knew it. She knew the words coming out of her mouth were gibberish. She used to beat the arms of her chair in frustration. One day a friend, matron of a small hospital, asked if I intended visiting my mother daily for the rest of her life. “You know, Maggie, you’re setting up expectations – for your mother, for the staff wherever she ends up. You should think about that. When she moves out of the big hospital, that’s the time you could start afresh. Begin the way you can continue for as long as needed.” Food for thought indeed! <img width="507" height="336" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/25782/maggie-mum_507x336.jpg" alt="Maggie -mum" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"/> Left: Born in 1907, my mother would have been two or three years old in this picture. Right: My mother around the age of 13. When my mother was transferred to a rehabilitation facility I decided I would visit her less frequently. That’s why I didn’t know about her hunger strike, though I don’t know why the staff didn’t tell me about it. On one visit I walked into her room to find her in bed, grey and drawn, not acknowledging me. Staff told me she was refusing to eat or drink. Attempts to insert a naso-gastric tube had gone horribly wrong, the tube going down her trachea. She was taken back to hospital where the tube was successfully inserted into her oesophagus, under x-ray. Back at rehab she was ‘fed’ through that tube. It reminded me of the force-feeding of suffragettes… So on this particular sunny Sunday, after I’d been told about the hunger strike and the force-feeding, I found her dressed and in a wheelchair in her room. We went outside into the gardens and I pushed her around, chattering wildly about the birds, the flowers, the weather. Suddenly frustration overwhelmed me. I put on the brake. “How can you do this? How can you be so silly? Don’t you realise they’ll never let you kill yourself? If you thought the naso-gastric tube was terrible, it was nothing, nothing at all compared to the next trick they have up their sleeve! They say you’re depressed and of course you are. Who wouldn’t be when they can’t talk or walk? But they want me to give my permission for you to have electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatment! Is that what you want? They say depression like yours responds very well to ECT and you wouldn’t need more than eight or twelve sessions!” I was almost shouting at her. I knew she wouldn’t speak. I knew she wanted to die because she’d told me often there would be nothing worse than being unable to talk. All I wanted from her was an acknowledgement: a shrug, a head movement, anything to show she understood what I was saying, that she realised what a terrifying prospect lay ahead. I felt so helpless, faced with her small, frail self sitting in that wheelchair while she looked away from me, towards the garden but, I suspected, not really seeing it. “Mother, for heaven’s sake – wake up to yourself! I’ve refused permission of course, but they say they’ll override me, apply to the Guardianship Board. You must start trying to eat and drink properly, to walk, to talk. You must!” I had moved in front of her, blocking her view of the garden. She just sat and looked at me. Releasing the brake, I grabbed the handles of the chair and took her back to her room. I was ashamed of my outburst and angry with myself because of it; angry with her for giving up; angry with the medical and nursing staff who treated her, my mother, as a ’case’, a problem to be fixed and then sent off; angry with the world. I left her in the middle of the room, drove home, and wept. <img width="428" height="476" src="https://oversixtydev.blob.core.windows.net/media/25784/this-is-my-mother-in-1965-signing-the-register-for-her-3rd-marriage-_428x476.jpg" alt="This Is My Mother In 1965 Signing The Register For Her 3rd Marriage !!! (1)" style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"/> This is my mother in 1965 signing the register for her third marriage! Perhaps my tirade had some effect. Eventually my mother walked again, well enough to try several times to run away from the nursing home where she spent the last four years of her life. Despite the efforts of speech therapists, she was never able to have conversations again, only to repeat meaningless phrases over and over. Her frustration at being unable to communicate became so intense she stopped talking altogether. I watched her as my mother shrank, physically and I suppose mentally, though it’s difficult to tell with someone who doesn’t speak. Following multiple admissions to hospital for pneumonia, I was told I could write to her GP saying I wanted ‘no more active treatment’ for my mother. I wrote the letter, feeling both relief and horror. And resentment. My mother had a long journey to her death. I don’t want a death like my mother’s. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through what I did. I want to be able to choose the time and place of my dying. Is that too much to ask? If you have a story to share please get in touch at <a href="mailto:melody@oversixty.com.au">melody@oversixty.com.au</a> Related links: <a href="/health/caring/2016/07/poem-illustrates-acceptance-of-death/">Heartbreaking poem illustrates the pain of accepting death</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/07/why-we-need-to-talk-about-death/">Why we need to talk about death</a> <a href="/health/caring/2016/08/rachael-wonderlin-memory-care-blue-harbour-senior-living-on-dementia/">16 things I would want, if I get dementia</a>

Caring

Clever invention lets carer feed multiple joeys at once

Some people in this world are just born problem solvers, and when you see their simple (yet oh-so-effective) solutions you simply have to sit back and appreciate! In this video we meet a senior working at a shelter for orphaned Eastern Grey Kangaroo joeys, whose clever invention lets her feed multiple joeys at once. The stick, consisting of a piece of wood fitted the old bicycle inner tubes, allows her to attach multiple bottles of milk for the hungry joeys to enjoy at the same time. This invention is incredibly simple, but an undeniably effective and executed to perfection. These orphaned Eastern Grey Kangaroo joey are currently being looked after at the wildlife shelter. But if this video’s anything to go by, they’re in good hands. Don’t you just love kangaroos? Have you ever encountered a kangaroo in the wild or at a zoo, and how did you find the experience to be? Let us know in the comments. Video credit: YouTube / Megabattie Related links: <a href="/travel/international/2016/05/6-incredible-places-to-spot-kangaroos-in-australia/">6 incredible places to spot kangaroos in Australia</a> <a href="/news/news/2016/05/flying-kangaroo-strikes-a-jogger-in-bendigo/">Flying kangaroo strikes a jogger in Bendigo</a> <a href="/travel/international/2016/03/kids-meet-kangaroos-for-the-first-time/">Kids meet kangaroos for the first time</a>

International Travel

5 questions to ask before becoming a carer

Thinking about becoming a caregiver? Deciding to step up and provide care for a loved one is a huge responsibility. Make sure you’re prepared and ask these five vital questions first. Do I need to hire help? Just because you’re taking on caregiving duties doesn’t mean you have to be super human. It’s perfectly okay to ask for help, whether it’s in the form of a cleaner or someone to take on tasks that you would prefer to outsource. According to Health.com, 40 per cent of caregivers say dealing with incontinence is one of their most difficult task, while 30 per cent say helping relatives bathe is hard as well. What is my Plan B? If something should happen to you and your schedule or demands change, it’s important to discuss a back-up plan. As the primary carer, a lot of responsibility will rest on you so make sure you have a Plan B before you need one. Should I be compensated? A survey found that 60 per cent of careers adjust their work schedule to look after others, which means either cutting back hours or taking a leave of absence. While you might not want to accept money to care for loved ones, it’s a good idea to have an open discussion with close friends and family about how the responsibilities might impact your life and earning capacity, so that all parties agree on a fair solution. What is Power of Attorney? If you are looking after someone with memory loss, you may need to look into a legal document called power of attorney. Talk to family about who should have this responsibilities, and how you will navigate legal issues that could arise. Who is my support group? Roughly one in three carers don’t receive any help. Having a strong support network of people you can turn to, even just for a chat, can make a huge difference. You might be surprised by how many people you know are also caregivers. Related links: <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/brain-boosting-apps/">Top 10 brain-boosting apps</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2016/01/steps-to-fall-proof-your-home/">5 steps to fall-proof your home</a> <a href="http://www.oversixty.co.nz/health/caring/2015/12/tips-for-long-term-care/">10 tips for caring for a loved one in long-term care</a>

Caring

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‘We lose ourselves’: carers talk about the lonely, stressful work of looking after loved ones

5 simple steps to effectively manage carer’s stress

How to care for ageing parents: Strategies for the sandwich generation

4 unwanted thoughts every carer has at least once

How to prepare yourself for becoming a carer

Why every over-60 should have a pet

I’m a carer in a society that doesn’t value us

4 ways carers can unwind at the end of the day

Is it ever ok to lie as a caregiver?

“Bigger Hearts” film tackles the difficulties of living with dementia

3 things every carer needs

Western Australian family become carers for baby joey

What I learnt from my mother’s long journey to death

Clever invention lets carer feed multiple joeys at once

5 questions to ask before becoming a carer

News

Shop

Catalogues

Travel

Health

Lifestyle

Finance

Entertainment

Property

Information

Keep up to date

Search

‘We lose ourselves’: carers talk about the lonely, stressful work of looking after loved ones

5 simple steps to effectively manage carer’s stress

How to care for ageing parents: Strategies for the sandwich generation

4 unwanted thoughts every carer has at least once

How to prepare yourself for becoming a carer

Why every over-60 should have a pet

I’m a carer in a society that doesn’t value us

4 ways carers can unwind at the end of the day

Is it ever ok to lie as a caregiver?

“Bigger Hearts” film tackles the difficulties of living with dementia

3 things every carer needs

Western Australian family become carers for baby joey

What I learnt from my mother’s long journey to death

Clever invention lets carer feed multiple joeys at once

5 questions to ask before becoming a carer

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