Why you shouldn’t live out of obligation
Megan Giles, Retirement Transition Consultant, supports those approaching retirement to successfully transition and create a retirement they will love to live!
All too often we worry about what others expect of us in retirement, i.e. the ‘shoulds’. For example we start to volunteer because we feel obliged. Perhaps your neighbour invites you along and with more free time on your hands you can’t find a justifiable reason to say no. Your neighbour is thrilled and you go through the motions on a weekly basis because you don’t want to let her down. But the reality is that you find this particular work mind-numbing and you start to dread your weekly shifts.
If not volunteering, it might be that you feel compelled take up golf because that’s what all of your friends are doing or there might be the expectation that simply because you have reached the retirement age you will be retiring. This is despite that fact that you really enjoy your role. You describe your colleagues as your second family, and love the challenging work that you do.
The downside of keeping others happy
Unfortunately all too often people get caught up in retirement activities which keep them busy and others happy, but that do not bring any joy or fulfilment to them. It’s not that you’re selfish and that you don’t want to volunteer or play golf, it’s just that this is not the right ‘gig’ for you.
There is much evidence to show that staying connected to the community around you and participation in meaningful ‘work’ is a strong predictor of wellbeing in retirement. Sure, getting out and moving your body to participate in these activities you can reduce your blood pressure and slow cognitive decline (Sneed & Cohen, 2013). But unfortunately this is not the complete picture. What about your psychological health?
New research shows that simply going through the motions of volunteering (for example) is not enough to starve off depression and loneliness in retirement. To reap the psychological benefits of volunteering, you need to be truly engaged in what you do. It needs to be something that you actually enjoy doing, that brings you a sense of satisfaction, and that you connect with the people you do it with. Without this, is becomes a burden that weighs you down.
So what you can do to get rid of the ‘shoulds’ in retirement and pursue the things that motivate you, make you happy and provide a sense of fulfilment?
1. Get comfortable saying no.
Recognise that you don’t have to say yes to everything, but when you do decline frame it positively. Let the other person know promptly (don’t leave them hanging), explain briefly why not (e.g. ‘I’m still testing the waters of retirement – I don’t want to commit to anything yet’), and remember that ‘no’ can be a complete sentence.
2. Give yourself permission to pursue what lights you up (and not anyone else)
The challenge is that so many people, and in particular women, feel guilty about pursuing their own interests. Juggling a busy career, raising a family and perhaps caring for elderly parents means that they have spent decades putting the needs of others before their own. Often they’ve forgotten the things that they value and enjoy. However, with the kids having left home and with greater financial security, retirement is a wonderful opportunity to finally focus on the things that give meaning to you.
3. Do give to others, and do it in a way that is meaningful to you
Retirement is a wonderful opportunity to give back to your community and it can provide an enormous amount of satisfaction. There are so many ways to volunteer, such as a joining the board of a not-for-profit, contributing specific expertise such as HR or marketing skills, building schools overseas, or supporting one-off events. The best match may not be with the first not-for-profit you approach and so don’t be afraid to contact multiple causes, explore the volunteering opportunities available, and find the right fit for you.
Create a retirement that it fulfilling and meaningful to you (and only you) and try not to worry about what you feel you should be doing. The baby boomers have always been the ones to break the rules and challenge social norms, so why stop now!