Lost loves, money frittered and opportunities missed: What people most regret in life
Regrets, we've had a few… The things we've said, the things we haven't said. The people we have let walk out of our lives, the ones we've stuck with for too long. The opportunities we should have grabbed. The money we've frittered.
If you are trying to avoid regret, you might heed a study which found that negative feelings around what we won't do (inaction) last longer than those associated with what we do (action). Also, romantic regrets were the most common, ahead of work or financial ones.
Psychologists say that regret achieves nothing, unless we use it to inspire us to act differently. If it becomes a subject of obsession, it is not serving us and we need to let it go. Sometimes the best way to do that is by confessing and moving on. In that spirit, Stuff readers and writers share their biggest regrets.
We got married too young
It seemed like a good idea at the time because our friends and work colleagues were embracing the next phase in life, that of getting married, buying a house and having children, though not always in that order. We were all in our early 20s.
My wife, three years older than me, was very happy and satisfied. I wasn't and it took me 10 years to fully accept my unhappiness and end the marriage. We had two young daughters and although I had them join me at every opportunity and never defaulted on child support, it wasn't the same as having a live-in dad and they bore some of the scars of my decision.
My advice to young people considering marriage is to think it through very, very carefully with mentors and people they trust to be honest with them as individuals and as a couple.
I didn't really know my dad
I wish I'd got to know my father better when he was alive.
A mechanical engineer, he was a quiet, unassuming collector, inventor and master of his own shed-universe; a good-natured introvert comfortable in his own skin. [His] frustrating controlled-release of potentially interesting information was in stark contrast to the unsolicited chapter and verse that often emanated from my mother, usually about things we already knew or never wanted to know.
But it was my father's tightly-ravelled brain I wanted to probe, not hers. I knew there must be a lot more to this quiet dry-witted man but he somehow managed to choke the life out of a cross-examination even before it started.
I didn't protect my friend from bullying
I watched my best friend in high school get bullied about her weight. I remember to this day the moment she came to me and said "you know what, I will show them". Six months to a year later she went from around 80kgs to under 40kgs. She developed an eating disorder, something that she will now deal with for her entire life. It got to a point that after she had eaten my friends and I would drive her around in a car and not let her out to make her keep the food down.
This all came from bullying, some nasty words from "friends" who thought it was funny. I feel guilt, I could have done more to stop them.
Why did I spend $30 a pop on cocktails?
I wish I hadn't spent so much money on stuff I really didn't need, including $30-39 cocktails at high-end bars. I wish I'd started therapy way, way sooner. I wish I'd followed my gut and dumped jerks a lot earlier instead of trying to 'fix them'. I wish I'd actually gone to Berlin for a weekend when I lived in London because it's freaking shameful I didn't even step foot in Germany.
I almost met Carrie Fisher
Once when I was living in London I found out that Carrie Fisher was doing a book signing at a bookstore near my work. I wasn't at a very good place at the time, struggling with depression and my health, so I chose to go home and drown my sorrows rather than wait in line for an hour to meet someone who had been first a beloved childhood hero and later an inspiration to me as a writer and feminist.
When she died in at the very tail end of December 2016, I was gutted. Writing now, I can't believe I made such a stupid decision not going to meet her. Sure, it was just a book signing, and she was "just" a celebrity, but I regret it tremendously. On the positive side, it made me make a promise to myself never to let depression get the better of me again and to push myself to do things I know I love, even when they seem too much of a "hassle".
He could have been the one
I am just back from a weekend away with an old boyfriend. We were last together when I was 21 and I had not yet come not out. We had a wonderful weekend and he said I was the most compatible person he's ever been with but perhaps here's not the same spark between us now. I will always wonder how life might have turned out if it had worked out the first time around.
I should never have dieted
Once you realise it's possible to lose a kilo a day by eating only steamed fish and vegetables, you're f...ed for life, and can never eat normally again. And any weight you do manage to lose, you have to eat so many fewer calories to maintain that than someone who was that weight naturally. Now I'll always be overweight and there's nothing I can do about it apart from further dieting, ultimately making problem worse. If I'd just learned that I was fine the way I was, and didn't need to diet from about 13 onwards, I would ironically be much lighter now, I think.
I went back to work too soon
I regret not spending more time with my girls when they were very young. I was back at work within a few months with each of them. We needed the money, but we could have made it work. I'll never get that time back.
But I don't really believe in regret as you do what you think is best at the time.
Maybe I should have had the baby
My biggest regret is terminating a pregnancy in my 20s because my boyfriend didn't want to go ahead and I didn't want to trap him. It's hard to reach my late 40s and know now that it's not going to happen. I always had hope and knew that next time round I would be so happy to go ahead whatever the situation.
I have always thought that actually it might have been the making of us as a couple and he would have made a great father. There is so much attached to this one decision.
I could have been a vet
I regret not working harder at school, particularly in maths and the sciences so that I could get into vet school.
I could have worked with Kylie Minogue
I wanted to be a backup dancer with Kylie Minogue but I didn't even try.
Why didn't I appreciate how good I looked?
I wish I had been kinder to myself about how I looked. Every time I see a current photo of myself I absolutely hate it and yet years later when I look back at old photos I think I look great in the photos. I still do it. Looking at photos from last year I'm thinking why did I hate that so much? I look MUCH better than I do now.
And I really wish I'd bought those red leather shoes in Milan.
I should have done a university exchange
It would have been so easy, I'm not sure why I didn't go. There are people at uni whose whole job it is to arrange these for people. I can't tell you what I missed out with because I didn't go, but a friend of mine met his American girlfriend in Hungary five years ago, now she lives in New Zealand and they're still together.
I should have taken that job
When working for Hamilton City Council I was offered the opportunity to job exchange for a year in Bermuda, for tax-free income – in American dollars.
I missed out on love
I regret not pursuing a relationship with someone I feel loved me and vice versa but there were problems with timing, exes, and living in different cities.
Written by Eleanor Black. Republished with permission of Stuff.co.nz.