What to do when you don’t approve of your child’s partner
Sometimes, families are extremely lucky, and are able to welcome new members in the form of our children’s romantic partners enthusiastically and joyfully. At other times, our children can introduce their partners, and it turns out that they’re less than ideal – in the eyes of us, the parents, that is. So what do you do when your child makes their choice, and you don’t approve?
First thing’s first
It’s important to figure out what is at the root of your disapproval. If, for example, your disapproval is to do with your child’s sexual orientation rather than the individual they love, then the issue runs deeper than one article can explore. It’s important for you to communicate with your child that you love them, but that you’re having a difficult time processing their sexuality. If it’s an issue you can’t adequately handle on your own, or by talking with your family, then perhaps seeking professional counselling is a good idea.
Swallow your prejudices
If you don’t approve of your child’s partner because of their ethnicity, religion, gender, occupation, or political beliefs, this is an issue, like the above, that you will need to confront on your own terms. It can be difficult to admit these kinds of prejudices – especially when they’re unconsciously held. But when you realise that they’re there, take heart that you’ve found a flaw, and take steps to enlighten your worldview. Once you do so, you should be able to embrace your new family member with open arms.
Have a calm conversation
If you have other concerns about your child’s partner (perhaps the partner doesn’t treat them well, or has a drinking problem), then it’s a good idea to have a calm, private conversation with your child. Yelling will achieve nothing other than a sore throat and hurt feelings. Tell them about your feelings and concerns, and try to engage with them in a discussion to find out what future they see for their current relationship. Simply speaking with your child about their relationship may help you accept it; it can be confusing to understand what makes other people happy, and why, but if you can manage it, this is a great way forward.
Try not to draw a line in the sand. This will not end well for anyone. If, for whatever reason, you are unable to get on board with your daughter’s partner, giving her an ultimatum will get you nowhere. You may think your familial love is strong, but romantic love has been consuming humanity through time immemorial, so your trump card may not be as powerful as you thought.
Get to know the partner
It may be a frustrating thing for you to do, but you should at least make some kind of effort to know your child’s partner better. You might just discover that the things you disapprove of are simply their own shyness obscuring their better qualities. Meeting parents can be intimidating – especially if your child admires you – so helping the partner relax around you could soothe a lot of your concerns.
At the end of the day
This is a problem that you have – not your child. They’ve made their choice, and interfering could result in you being cut out of their life. You may have to make peace with the relationship, and see where it takes them. Then again, your child may one day change their mind – but don’t hold your breath.
How do you react when your child brings home someone of whom you do not approve?