Number-one reason people divorce (and how to prevent it)
Why do some relationships survive while others bite the dust? It’s been a question that’s plagued society for decades, especially as the divorce rate has soared. With one in two couples now filing for divorce, understanding why has never been so critical. While what constitutes a happy, successful relationship is highly subjective and the recipe for longevity complicated, research has identified a clear pattern amongst couples that don’t stay together. Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s foremost marriage therapists is calling it the number-one predictor of divorce. So what it is? It’s contempt.
It’s normal to feel annoyed and disagree with your partner. You may feel frustrated and angry by some of their words or actions but these emotions are quite different to contempt. All relationships involve ongoing ups and downs but how you handle them – either with kindness or contempt – can make or break you as a couple. Over the years there will be plenty of “hot button” issues that crop up in your relationship. Approaching these issues with anger, resentment and finger pointing dramatically increases the risk of eventual divorce.
The good news? Arguing and anger isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It means, at least in theory, that you’re still communicating and still care. Couples who eventually file for divorce report a period of complete shut down before the eventual decision to end things. Discussions stop occurring, compromise becomes impossible and ultimately both parties disengage emotionally.
How to prevent contempt from invading your relationship? The first step is actively monitoring yourself for reactions that could be deemed to express contempt. Rolling your eyes or sneering are two key ways we express disgust with someone. Other ways to safeguard your relationship include:
- Giving your expectations a reality check.
- Turn the issue around. If something is continuously bothering you, it’s wise to ask yourself why?
- Instead of feeling anger when your partner expresses himself or herself, try to listen to what they’re saying and actually engage with what they’re saying.
- When you do need to point out something that may trigger an argument try “complaining gently” without dragging blame into the discussion.
Related links:
3 “bad” relationship traits that are actually healthy
Secret to couple’s 60-year marriage