Crucial dating mistakes to avoid
Ever feel like you make a lot of mistakes when it comes to dating? I know I sure did.
Dating mistakes happen all the time - even when we're older and wiser. The good thing is, once you know what these mistakes are you can, of course, correct and take a different path that works.
I'm going to share with you the three most common dating mistakes I see clients make every day that keeps them alone and single.
Mistake number 1: Falling in love with someone's potential
Ever meet someone you thought might be a pretty good catch if only you could get your hands on them to fix them up a little bit? Know what I'm talking about?
Chances are you do if you're a woman because women are designed to look for the potential in people. But falling in love with a man's potential sets you up to fail at finding the relationship you want because men don't want to be your fixer-up project.
A male friend told me this story about a woman he'd started dating. He invited her to his home. She walked in and immediately began assessing the potential of his kitchen. She told him why he should remove the wallpaper, where to place each appliance so the kitchen would be more efficient and how to paint the cabinets a new colour so they would be in style.
What she did with his kitchen is exactly what women do all the time to men. They try to make a man a better version of himself. To get the true love relationship you want this year, you want to fall for the real person, not their potential.
Mistake number 2: Looking for Mr/Ms Perfect
Divorce is hard on the soul and the idea of making another relationship mistake can be terrifying. To protect yourself, you unconsciously start looking for the "perfect" mate.
Over time, your list of qualities grows longer and longer and if the person is missing even one "must have quality", they don't stand a chance with you.
Looking for Mr/Ms Perfect means you're playing it safe. You're guarding your heart so you won't get hurt again.
Here is a dating mantra I share with my private clients that is perfect for you too: You will experience practice relationships. Yes, you might get hurt along the way, but you'll also have moments of pure joy and bliss you'll never get to experience hiding behind the hunt for the perfect partner.
Mistake number 3 (and probably the biggest one): Immediate chemistry
Ever experience hot chemistry with a date? It feels mighty good, as it should because you're releasing oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
The problem with this type of chemistry is you move swiftly into the bedroom and end up turning a blind eye to a man's faults. You might move in together or you find yourself engaged within months of meeting without really knowing much about this person other than the sex is hot.
Often second marriages are based on this type of chemistry and the reason they are over in the blink of an eye is because a friendship was left out of the equation.
The best chemistry is one that's slow burning because it's sustainable. Sometimes it might not appear until the third or fourth date.
I remember going on three dates with a man. I felt nothing, not even a little spark. On the fourth date, he reached across the table to touch my face and suddenly the chemistry and attraction kicked in.
Maybe we were smarter in our youth than we thought. We weren't looking for immediate chemistry. We just had fun hanging out together laughing, playing and getting to know each other. Could be worth trying again at this time in your life.
You might find a slow burn turns into a hot sizzle based on the total connection you create versus just a connection based on chemistry.
Written by Lisa Copeland. First appeared on Stuff.co.nz.