3 key steps to a healthy argument
Conflict is an inevitable part of being in a relationship. Studies have shown that having fights is normal and healthy, even for the happiest couples. “The biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance,” Joseph Grenny, co-author of Crucial Conversations told the Guardian.
“We tend to avoid these conversations because we are conscious of the risks of speaking up, but unconscious of the risks of not speaking up … without considering the longer-term costs to intimacy, trust and connection.”
So, if fights are necessary for a healthy, thriving relationship, how can we best proceed to fight without creating serious rifts? Here are three tips that experts recommend.
1. Avoid labels and accusations
In the heat of the fight, it can be tempting to resort to labels and sweeping statements like “you’re lazy” or “you always do this”. However, these fleeting words can cause lasting damage.
“Usually we say these things because we think we are having no impact,” said Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. “The trouble is, this kind of label wounds your partner. In fact, our brain registers this kind of hostile criticism in the same area as it does physical pain. Your partner also becomes so busy dealing with this pain that he or she cannot listen to you at all.”
When you’re on the receiving end of these unkind retorts, do not react. Recognise them as a bait that is designed to make you angry and tune it out. Clinical psychologist Deborah Grody told TIME that when this occurs, the best thing couples can do is to take a timeout and return to the conversation once both parties have cooled down.
2. Listen and ask for clarification
It’s easier said than done but being curious and listening to your partner well when they voice their concerns can truly help nurture growth and connection.
Grody advises against interrupting your partner mid-sentence – if there is something you don’t quite understand, wait until they finish speaking and then ask for a clarification afterwards.
For example, asking “What makes you feel like I’m not doing my part around the house?” is a more respectful and empathetic thing to do for your partner rather than saying, “Well, I’ve already done my part, so you should acknowledge that.”
Go into the discussion with the intention of understanding the other instead of being right and/or winning the argument.
3. Make requests
There are many ways to air your grievances, but some might be better than the others. Common methods, like complaints (“I’m the only one doing the housework around here”) and sarcastic statements (“That’s okay, I have a lot of time to clean the house anyway”) often only result in pent-up frustration and hostile environment. Meanwhile. threats or ultimatums might get you what you want in the short-term but will chip away the foundation of your relationship.
Be proactive and express what you need from your loved one. Direct requests will give your partner some idea on the ways they can meet your needs.
Do you have any tips on having “healthy” fights in a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments.