How my past shapes who I am today
Margaret Cunningham, 61, is “semi-retired” from her role in digital communications. She is a hobby writer who particularly enjoys writing articles with a reflective viewpoint. A lifelong passion of health and fitness means she is known in her community as “that lady who runs”.
When I first started In Hindsight I never considered the unravelling effect the series would have on my own life. The first eight chapters are glimpses of my life as an adult – moments of hindsight discovered through my adult experiences. To delve back any further seemed rather pointless. It never occurred to me I would need to fossick back into “the past”. But our past, even though it is no longer real, does influence who we are today. It cannot be ignored because it most definitely has impact on the present. Our reactions and emotions, our relationships with others and, more importantly, the relationship we have with ourselves are all shaped from the tendrils of our past.
Circumstances can sometimes be a determining influence on relationships. They were for me. Sadly, I’ve never been “in love”. And I do feel poorer because of this. The fizz-pop flutters in the stomach, the sweet murmurs that caress each breath, and when nothing else matters – you love your love, as much as love itself, has eluded me. What a wonderful precursor, albeit brief in the context of love, to herald in loves journey. So just as I was about to write an article on relationships and staying true to yourself things started to unravel, and I invited the past to visit my present.
The truth is, I have always struggled with intimate relationships. I find them quite claustrophobic. Panic, discontentment, low self-esteem and guilt have always resided with me in my relationships. This is my norm, so it doesn’t feel abnormal. I have survived 61 years like this. But writing this series has caught me out. Is ‘surviving’ being true to myself? And so, the unravelling began.
Understanding the past and dwelling on the past are not the same. Understanding is liberating. Dwelling is debilitating. If you deny or ignore the importance the past has on the present you will always dwell there, especially in the areas of self-esteem, communication and conflict. My parents truly did their best for us. Always a warm bed, three meals a day and they worked hard. What I have ignored though is that there were some significant events that have deeply affected me. It astounds me to think I never considered the influence these events and moments would have on any future relationships.
Understanding is truly liberating. In understanding there is no blame, no excuses and no regrets. It’s accepting and acknowledging that certain positive or negative events in the past did occur and have contributed to who you are today. Once you connect your past with the present, the intensity or control the past has on your life drops away. It is much easier to change the negative aspects of your behavior when you understand them.
Sometimes you must undo the past to heal the present. In one of my previous articles, Love in three minutes I wrote of the great paradox between love and commitment and explained that while commitment has everything to do with togetherness, love is about letting one another other go. One a journey of togetherness, the doing part, the other a journey of self, the being part. Thinking my past didn’t matter, or telling myself my past isn’t who I am now, set the scene for decades of ignorance towards my own journey of self. It has affected every relationship I have experienced. Your past does shape who you are and it is an important part of your life story.
The shackles of guilt, discontentment, confusion and low self-esteem no longer govern my present and future. But the past is as much my story, as is my story of today. I love my parents, and the events that have shaped me, more than ever. And I am beginning to love me, the journey of self, the being part, of which I think I shall always be a perpetual student. William P Young, author of the bestselling novel, The Shack, says, “…the world has no meaning apart from relationships. Some are messier, some are seasonal, others different, a few are easy, but every one of them are important.”
We alone are responsible for having the relationship we want. And I believe the relationship you have with yourself to be the most important.
If you are struggling with relationship issues, don’t settle for “that’s just how I am, I can’t do anything about it”, take a trip down memory lane. Dig deep and understand the experiences that have shaped you... the good and bad. Joy and fulfillment can only be experienced in the present – don’t let the past deny you of this.
Read Margaret’s past articles here, here, and here.