Woman who accidentally killed a young boy receives unexpected reaction
Over 40 years ago, Maryann Gray accidentally killed a young boy on the road and although the event completely changed her life, she had never spoken about it much, until now.
Maryann has given a vulnerable account of the incident in a BBC article titled The day I accidentally killed a little boy and it has surprisingly led many others online to share their devastating accounts behind the wheel.
In 1977, when Maryann was a 22-year-old graduate, she was driving on a rural motorway in the United States travelling at around 80km/h.
“As I passed the houses a little blond boy darted out, moving from the mailbox to his house. I saw him at the last second. I tried to swerve. There was no way to miss him,” Maryann wrote.
“I hit the little boy and he flew up into the air and then landed on the pavement. I pulled over and ran across the street.
“I was so distressed that I don’t really remember those minutes. I was hiding behind a bush and screaming. I heard myself and I thought, ‘What is that? Who’s doing that?’
“And then I realised it was me.”
The boy, named Brian, received first aid on the road by bystanders and police arrived 20 minutes later, taking him away in the back of the car.
The mother of Brian was alerted to the situation and she “came out of her house screaming her son’s name in agony”.
“She wanted to go to him but the neighbours held her back. Then she started to collapse on her front stoop and they had to hold her up,” Maryann wrote.
Heartbroken, Maryann approached the police with her hand up and told them, “I did it, I did it." She was placed in the back of a police car where police took a statement and delivered the news: “I just have to tell you the boy died.”
That incident became the most significant event of Maryann’s life and while she was not arrested, she punished herself over the course of decades.
She viewed herself as a “dangerous person”, stopped driving for two years, began to hallucinate and have flashbacks of the little boy “flying through the air after I hit him, or a puddle of blood on the road”.
She dated men who treated her badly, believing that it was appropriate punishment for what she had done. When she married in her 30s, she never told her husband about the accident that still haunted her.
“I thought about Brian the day I got married. I thought about Brian the day my father died. I thought about Brian the day I defended my dissertation. I thought about Brian the day I started a new job. He lived with me,” she wrote.
“His voice in my mind became this very punitive, angry voice that would say: ‘Don’t get too happy, remember what happened the last time you got happy? You killed a child, you killed me.’”
Days after the accident, she had a vision which told her she could never have a baby.
Despite being “the most in-demand babysitter in the neighbourhood”, she relinquished her right as a mother because she took a “child from its mother”.
“I didn’t think I would be a good mother, so I decided against having children which is a huge regret, but was the right decision for me. I think I would have had a very hard time mothering,” she wrote.
Years later, she decided to write a letter to Brian’s mother so she could apologise.
Brian’s mother had passed away, but the letter made it to Brian’s older brother, who read the letter and contacted her online.
“It was an emotional conversation. He was very angry, he told me how much his family had suffered,” she wrote.
“They had stopped celebrating Christmas because it was too close to Brian’s birthday and all the usual happy family occasions were muted for them forever. They never changed Brian’s room, they kept it the same, so there was a constant reminder of their son.
“When we got off the phone I certainly didn’t feel like we were friends but I felt like we had this amazing bond, because we were still mourning this child, and we will always have that in common.
“I do forgive myself, but I’m terrified that I’ll hurt somebody else. I live in Los Angeles and I drive all the time, but I’m very cautious.”
On Maryann’s website Accidental Impacts, many others have shared similar stories highlighting the devastation of not only victims and families, but drivers as well.
Here are some of the stories posted on her website.
“I HIT AND KILLED A WOMAN TODAY”
My Name is Heather. I was involved in a car accident this early morning at 4 am as I went to pick up my son from his work. While driving down a highway I hit and killed a women who walked out in front of the car in dark clothing on a dark street. I did not see her at all until I felt and heard a thump and saw her body crash into my windshield.
I screamed and stopped the car. The woman was unconscious, crumpled on the ground with blood coming out of her head. I finally got 911 and the dispatch was asking me what the cross street was and I did not know. I kept on screaming, “I hit a women she needs help I don’t know the street!”
I was questioned by the police who were professional and kind. The medics tried to save her but she died at the scene. The officers told me it was not my fault and there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening. This women did not deserve to die and I did not deserve to be the one to cause her death. That is the thought that runs through my brain. The image of her will be seared in my heart and brain for life.
‘‘MY BODY WENT THROUGH THE WINDSCREEN”
When I was 14, I was hit by a car while riding my bike. It was on a major road and the car was travelling nearly 100kms an hour, which was within the speed limit. I was badly injured. The driver and his daughter were also injured as my body went through the windscreen. And the truth of it, it was my fault. I rode straight across the road without looking. The driver and his daughter were distraught. They came to visit me in hospital but I was unconscious. When I had recovered I visited them to apologise. I wanted them to know it was my fault and that I was sorry for the distress I caused.